Chapter 22 #2
No, she had fucked up and hurt Cassie, in ways she hadn’t even known at the time.
There was no coming back from that. No matter how much she felt for her, she had to let it go.
They’d go back to being coworkers and that had to be enough.
She could build a life that made her happy, even without Cassie in it.
And maybe if she kept telling herself that, one day she might believe it.
“Merry Christmas, Miss Cassie,” Earl said from his station in the lobby. Even in the short time Cassie had known him, she had developed an affection for him, and seemingly most of the people who lived in the building felt the same way.
“Merry Christmas, Earl. I was hoping to talk to Drea.”
Earl rubbed at the gray stubble on his chin. “I’m sorry, but she’s not in right now.”
“Oh.” She’d come straight here from Janay’s, intent on finally having a conversation.
A real conversation. She had been so focused on what she would say and how Drea might react that it hadn’t occurred to her that Drea might not be home.
Of course she wouldn’t. She had a life and it was Christmas Eve night.
She was probably with family—or not family. She felt deflated at the idea.
“Do you want me to tell her you stopped by?”
She contemplated the question for a moment, then smiled at him. “No, that’s all right. Thank you. Merry Christmas.” A blast of cold air slammed into her as she pushed the door open, and she tightened her scarf as she rushed to get out of there. She felt so stupid. What had she been thinking?
“Cassie?”
The sound of that voice saying her name stopped her, as memories of better times flooded her brain.
She turned around to see Drea shrouded in a dark coat with a white scarf around her neck, a streetlamp illuminating her wild hair against the night sky.
Cassie watched as Drea closed the gap between them.
“What are you doing here?” White puffs of cold air trailed Drea’s breath as she spoke. The sight of her up close, so exquisitely beautiful, hit Cassie in the chest and she resisted the urge to place her hand on Drea’s cheek to make sure she was real.
Suddenly the words seemed silly and she feared she had miscalculated the situation, but something in Drea’s eyes gave her the courage to press on. “Can we talk?”
The inside of Drea’s apartment brought a rush of memories, mostly good, except that last one. She wondered where this one would fall. Drea gestured to the sofa and grabbed two waters as Cassie sat.
Her eyes were earnest when she joined Cassie. “How are you?”
A small laugh slipped out at the question. She tilted her head from side to side. “I’ve been better. What about you?”
“Same.”
She glanced around the room. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”
Drea’s brow furrowed.
“I mean, I hope I’m not keeping you from anyone.” She quickly added, “Or anything.”
A twinkle entered Drea’s eyes. “I’m not seeing anyone if that’s what you’re referring to.”
She shrugged. “I wasn’t sure after the other night.”
“The other night?”
“Yeah, the blonde on the dance floor.” Cassie felt dumb even bringing it up. This wasn’t how the conversation was supposed to go. She wasn’t here to check up on Drea.
Drea’s eyes fell to the sofa as she seemed to think through something. “I’ve gone out a few times, but that’s all.”
Cassie nodded, realizing this might be futile if Drea wasn’t going to be honest.
Drea seemed to notice her dissatisfaction with the response. “What is it?”
“This is awkward, but I saw you out one night and then you were wearing the same thing at work the next morning, so yeah.”
“I didn’t sleep with her, Cassie.” Drea rubbed her forehead and blew out a breath. “We danced, but then I went out alone to another bar . . . to drink.” She stared at the sofa. “It was starting to become an issue, but I’ve got it under control now.”
“I’m sorry.”
Drea raised her eyes. “Why?”
“That you went through that.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t know about your past and Janay said you saw me drunk.” Drea shook her head as her voice cracked. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know.” Cassie wanted to reach out and comfort Drea, but she needed to focus on saying what she came here to say, and she knew if she touched Drea, it would jumble her senses the way it always did.
“I wish you had told me that stuff. That you had trusted me enough to tell me, but I know I didn’t give you much reason to.”
“That’s not true.” Cassie sighed. “I think we both could have done a better job of communicating.”
Drea nodded.
“That’s why I came here tonight. There’s so much I should have told you and I have questions too. So I was wondering, would you be up for having an honest conversation?”
Drea’s eyes brightened. “Okay.”
And they did. They talked about all of it.
Their childhoods and Cassie’s journey to sobriety.
Drea’s nightmares, issues with depression, and use of alcohol and one-night stands to avoid rejection.
Why Drea had ended things and how she decided to turn things around and start working with kids at the art center.
The more they talked, the more they discovered in common and the deeper Cassie’s feelings grew.
She had never been so fully open with anyone in her life, but Drea had no judgment of anything she shared, only acceptance and understanding.
As dawn broke through the sky, Cassie felt a lightness she had never felt before, a massive weight having lifted from her soul, and she knew that she had never loved anyone more than she loved Drea, in all her imperfections and beautiful flaws.
“I never wanted anything other than for you to be yourself,” Cassie said.
“And I wanted you to love me for who I am, but you also made me want to be a better person, not just for you, but for me too.”
“What if we didn’t have to be this or that?” Cassie asked. “What if we focused on the and—sober and happy, depressed and creative?”
“Sexy and hot?” Drea added with a sly grin.
“Kinda.” Cassie laughed. “We’re all so many things. It seems so incredibly reductive to feel shame and guilt about some parts and good about others. We’re so much more complicated than that.”
“Beautiful disasters,” Drea said.
“Exactly.”
They sat in the quiet of the early morning for a few moments before Cassie spoke again. “I guess we should have said all of that a while ago.”
Drea nodded. “Probably, but better late than never?”
“For sure. And just so you know, I didn’t keep any of that from you because I didn’t trust you before.” Anxiety started to grip Cassie’s chest. She held her wrist, took a deep breath, and blew it out, steadying herself.
Drea put her hand on Cassie’s knee, trying to comfort her. “It’s okay.”
Cassie nodded and took another breath, needing to say what was in her heart. “I was in love with you and afraid that I’d lose you.”
Drea held her gaze. “Was as in past tense?”
She bit her lip for a moment. “Am . . . head over heels.”
Drea closed the distance between them, an ocean of emotions in those blue eyes, and ran her hand along Cassie’s cheek. “I’m in love with you too.” And when Drea kissed her, Cassie felt all of the passion from before, but this time it was so much deeper than she ever imagined.
When Drea woke a few hours later, she smiled at the woman sleeping peacefully beside her. She leaned over, kissing along her back and up to her neck as Cassie squirmed and let out a happy sound.
“Merry Christmas,” Drea whispered.
Cassie turned over to face her. “Merry Christmas,” she said with a satisfied grin.
Drea propped herself on her elbow. “What would you like to do today? I was thinking—”
Cassie interrupted her with a kiss that lingered for several long moments until Drea had forgotten what she was saying.
“This.” Cassie motioned between them. “This is what I want. To be here with you and do everything and nothing together, forever.”
Drea looked at the easy smile on her face and those brown eyes that had captured her heart what felt like ages ago.
She had never felt so happy and at peace before.
There was nothing to hide or be ashamed of or make excuses for.
She was herself and Cassie loved her all the more for it. And she did too.