Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“That’s it, just breathe,” I told Emery as I rubbed his back. His head was between his knees, his body trembling, the bucket at his feet.
He breathed in and out, his shoulders rising slowly. It had been the longest so far he had kept himself from getting sick, and I distracted him as best I could.
I usually waited closer to the end of our sessions to give him the meds, but this time, he said he wanted to try to get through it right away, determined now to fight through his reaction. Besides his slow breaths there was only the patter of rain on the window and the occasional voices from outside the room.
After several minutes of comforting Emery while he tried to rise through the panic attack, eventually he straightened, his hair damp with sweat.
“Fuck, that was terrible,” he groaned. “But I think I got it down this time, Evee.”
I smiled. “I think you did too.”
“Could use some water though; feels like someone poured dirt down my throat.”
I patted his shoulder. “I’ll get you some.” I took the empty cup and started for the door, then froze, frowning. Ethan was there, smiling at me.
“Go on, I’ll watch him,” he said from the door.
I hesitated, wanting to protest. I didn’t trust him being alone with Emery for one second.
“It’s cool,” he assured me. “I won’t move from this spot. He won’t talk to me anyway, right?”
He had a point. But that didn’t mean Emery wouldn’t listen. “I’ll be right back,” I said.
I went down past the nurse’s office to the kitchen and filled up the cup, noticing my hands shaking.
I was both excited and nervous. Emery was really trying; this was such a fast improvement. If he could keep the medication down after this, it would hopefully only get easier.
And when Dr. Hannah learned he was trying, she would have to let him stay.
I took the cup of water back to the room and was relieved to see Ethan hadn’t left his spot by the doorway.
I felt his eyes on me as I passed through the door and returned to Emery. I lifted the mask a little more and put the cup to his lips, letting him drink.
He was starting to calm down, and I wanted to keep him that way. I opened my laptop and let him watch some of the videos I saved to distract him. I stayed by his side even then because he asked me to.
“Maybe I won’t see her tonight,” he said quietly beside me.
I knew he was talking about the smiling woman.
“Maybe…” I said after a pause. “But the medicine takes time.”
I looked over and noticed him watching me. “You’ve got me in a chokehold, you know that?” he said softly.
I didn’t understand what he meant. Then I thought of the dream. I started to feel warm at the memory and from his eyes on me. I didn’t know what to say at first. As I reached over to skip to the next video, I asked, “What do you mean?”
He mumbled something, and at first, I didn’t know if I heard him right. But I thought I heard… “Yours.”
My throat tightened as my heart skipped. It would be stupid of me to not notice the way he looked at me, like I was some angel. Or to ignore the things he said and pretend they didn’t mean anything. That he was just playing with me. But I knew he wasn’t. And I knew then what obsession looked like. Something I once thought I felt too, but it was nothing like this…nothing like it at all.
The only thing I refused to see was my own feelings. I was still too afraid to take the plunge into the deep water. Too afraid to drown. Too afraid to be broken more than I already was.
I couldn’t answer him. No matter what I knew now, no matter how confusing my feelings, the past still hurt more than anything, an open wound that wouldn’t heal. And in a way, he was putting salt on that wound without even knowing.
If only I could hear him say he was sorry. Now more than ever, I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to tell him what he did to me and see his utter devastation. Then maybe…maybe I could forgive him…I could let myself jump.
I wanted to.
And I hated that I did. I hated how he made me feel.
“Eve…”
The lump settled in my throat. Tears stung my eyes, and I refused to look at him. “Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
I froze, my face burning, but the rest of me went cold. I looked over at him, wide-eyed.
“I’m sorry I can’t be better,” he said.
I stared at him, almost too shocked to move. Then I cleared my throat and turned my head to blink the tears away. I didn’t say anything at first, just watched the screen and laughed a little when a cat did a somersault off a chair. “You’ll be better,” I said after a moment. “You’ll see.”
We didn’t talk much for the rest of the session, but in my head, I was already going over tomorrow's meeting. Where we would need to go from here. If he kept on the right path to recovery, he would gain more privileges, he would clear his mind and maybe find peace with his past. And maybe then I could too.
As I shut my laptop, I heard footsteps behind me.
“Bedtime,” Ethan said.
Emery was unchained and transferred to the wheelchair. I still thought it was unnecessary, but Ethan insisted. As I put my laptop back in my bag and turned to say goodbye to Emery before leaving, Ethan was there, standing a foot away, catching me off guard.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to surprise you.” He grinned. “I just wanted to catch you before you ran off. My shift is ending early today, and I’m going to meet a few guys in town for a beer or two. I thought maybe you’d join us and we could talk.”
I stared at him, not daring to glance behind him where Emery was clearly watching and listening. “I can’t tonight,” I said firmly. “I’ve got more work I need to finish.”
“Ah, your thesis, right?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Well, how about tomorrow then?”
“No.”
His eyes darkened, though his smile remained. “Come on, Eve. The weekend then. Any time.” I glared at him, and he moved a little closer. “Otherwise, I only have you here, and I don’t think you want me asking questions around you know who. I just wanna talk.”
I clenched my jaw and made the mistake of looking over at Emery whose smiling skull face was made only more sinister by the shadows. The other guards didn’t seem to notice or care as they chained him back to the wheelchair.
Would Ethan seriously dare to say anything just because I wouldn’t go out with him? What a prick.
“Fine. Tomorrow night.” I wasn’t ready to deal with this shit right now. But if he just had to know, then I’d tell him. Then maybe he’d leave me alone.
His smile widened. “Great. Awesome. I’ll call you.”
Heat stirred in my chest. “How do you know my number?”
“Oh, Dr. Langley gave it to us in case you were to call the front desk so we’d recognize the number. It’s in the employee contacts now.” He moved behind Emery and started to steer him to the door. The silence from Emery only heightened my anxiety. I could hardly guess what he was thinking, but I could imagine it wasn’t anything pleasant. Something about busting kneecaps.
I shook my head at him in warning as Ethan wheeled him away.
“Good night, Emery,” I called out.
“See you tomorrow, Eve,” Ethan called back.
Dr. Hannah’s blue Mustang was sitting nearby. She was back again for her now weekly check-up.
I turned my gaze up to the building and took a deep breath. The sky was gray with the threat of rain again.
I got out of my car and dusted off my gray dress pants and pink blouse with the crumbs from my sad dinner. I hadn’t slept last night at all, mostly working on my paper but also researching. Early morning, I watched a couple true crime docs Jamie told me to check out. I didn’t know if it was just my usual restlessness keeping me up or the need for a break from my dreams. I got winded in the morning and went to the cafe to attempt to work some more, but ended up distracted online instead. By late afternoon, I was starting to lose energy and would have taken a nap if I had time. Instead, I grabbed a wrap and a large coffee to go before heading for St. Agnes.
When I entered the facility, I was overjoyed to see Ethan wasn’t there. Maybe, if I was lucky, he called in sick and I wouldn’t have to see him tonight either.
Kyle took me to the upper level, leaving me at the security point. But instead of turning for Emery’s room, he walked down the hall to a pair talking some ways ahead. I noticed Ethan as he turned his head, and when he stepped aside, I then saw Dr. Hannah.
My heart flipped. Kyle now talked to them both and they each turned their heads my way. Ethan nodded, said something to Dr. Hannah, then disappeared with Kyle down the end. Dr. Hannah walked toward me.
“Hello, Eve,” she greeted with a tight smile, her icy glare flickering down my figure. “I just saw Emery. He seems to be doing alright despite his usual attitude. And Dr. Langley told me you’ve convinced him to take his medication.”
“Yes,” I said.
She nodded. “Well, maybe there’s hope for him yet then. We’ve scheduled a meeting for Monday to discuss it in more detail. Then we can send these reports to the judge on Emery’s case. Assuming he sticks to it…this would be a step for him.”
I agreed. Dr. Hannah passed by me to the security booth. “See you then, Eve. Oh—” She turned back to me. “You should know, the judge is looking to want Emery out of here. He’d be happier to see him in prison. But if Emery doesn’t lapse on his medication from now on, doesn’t have a violent episode, and changes his attitude…he has a better chance to stay. Understand?”
I tried not to bite my lip as I said, “I understand.”
“Good.” She waved at me as she slipped out of the security room. “Nice job, Eve. If this all pans out, maybe Emery will talk to a licensed professional. I hope it works out for his sake.”
Me too, you bitch . I was tired and more than a little cranky. And seeing Ethan and her talking put me on edge.
I waited as usual, watching the monitor as Ethan and a few other guards got Emery out of his room. I tensed when I saw Ethan put his back to Emery more than once. A perfect chance for Emery to do more than just break a leg. Despite the opportunity, he didn’t take the chance. And I was relieved when they transferred him safely to the room.
“All ready for you,” Ethan said when he came to get me. I followed him down, noticing how chipper and alert he was. When we got to the door of the meeting room, he put out an arm to stop me. “Still on for tonight, right?”
I glared at him. I wanted to say no, that I changed my mind. But seeing him talking to Dr. Hannah…
“Yes,” I said. I drew away from the door so Emery couldn't hear. Ethan arched a brow, pretending like it was no big deal if we talked near him. He moved closer down the hall where I stood as I put my back to one wall. “I’ll answer your questions,” I said in a low voice. “You wanna know so bad, I’ll tell you. But only if you don’t say anything to anyone about why I’m here. Can you do that?”
He looked toward the guards by the hallway entrance, then turned back to me. “I’m kinda risking my job already not saying anything, you know.”
“How so?”
He looked at me like I should know. “You have beef with the patient and your unstable past—”
“Give me a break!” I hissed.
He sighed. “Tell me I’m wrong, Eve. I don’t know your motives. But I’m here to protect you from him as well as him from you.”
I gave him a yeah, right look. “Are you going to tell or not?” I asked.
He smiled. “Come to the bar tonight and tell me all about it and I’m sure you’ll convince me.”
I growled and slid off the wall, stepping towards the door. Ethan caught my arm. “I can’t guarantee anything, but if you are nice and come out…your chances are better.”
I wrenched my arm away. “I guess I’ll see you later then.” I didn’t give him a chance to reply. I slipped into the meeting room, marching over to Emery.
I turned to him and saw the murderous glint in his eyes that he was irritated too, Dr. Hannah using her charms to ruin his day yet again.
We stared at each other, then Emery broke the silence. “This is a first.”
“What is?”
“You being more pissed off than me. And I gotta say, I love the look. It’s at least cute on you.”
I glared at him then started to laugh. He laughed too.
“Dr. Hannah?” I asked.
“Always on time as usual, the insufferable bitch.” He tilted his head at me, his eyes darkening. “And let me guess…”
I took a seat. “It’s nothing.”
“Eve…”
I sighed and looked at him. “I’ve got it figured out.”
He shook his head slowly. “I hate this.”
I frowned, surprised at how hurt I felt. “This…”
“Not being able to be there for you.”
“Oh.” I thought he meant our sessions. I knew now he meant dealing with Ethan.
“Hearing and seeing him affect you like that…” Emery whispered, a sort of venom in his voice. “I know you don’t want to go out with him. You wouldn’t be this pissed at the idea. Unless I’m totally out of touch and somehow…”
“No, you’ve got it right,” I said. “It’s nothing. It’s just a problem from my past.”
He nodded, understanding. “I know you can take care of yourself. You don’t need to hear me say it, but I can’t help it… I hate being locked up and helpless to watch you go. And even if you don’t need my protection, I would give it to you completely.”
“Emery—”
“And if not that,” he continued, “then my support.” His hands clenched into fists. “I’m sorry…it’s like my sister all over again. I couldn’t help her. I was locked away and could do nothing, I could only listen to her cries and her screams, her pleas. I know this is nothing like that. But it feels the same anyway. I see it in your eyes, in your face. I see the anger, but I see the fear too. And I want to break him for it.”
I blinked at him, stunned. “You had the chance to. I saw…on the monitor.”
He bent his head and then…chuckled. “Yeah, what a fucking moron. But…I knew it would upset you. And I might not see you. It was an easy decision even if I was tempted.”
I swallowed. “I’m sorry you couldn’t save your sister.”
“She tried to save me in the end…” I was afraid, wondering if he might have another episode, remembering Dr. Hannah’s words. I lifted from my seat, ready to go to him if he were to slip away. Instead, I froze when he looked at me.
“She was so close, but luck wasn’t on her side. Funny, sometime after her escape attempt, she did get free in the end. They beat her bad enough they had to take her away. I never saw her after that, and they said she died. I was alone for a long time before I was let go and told my use was through.
“If only she could have found her way out,” he continued, “maybe she could have at least survived. After they locked her back up, she told me through the wall that she got lost and tried to hide, but she got scared when someone found her. She was so scared she could hardly speak. That was the last time we talked before they hurt her.”
My throat tightened, a small chill going up my arms, imagining what she felt.
“And I’m scared too, Evee. I fucking hate having to see you afraid. That I’m fucking helpless again.”
I leaned forward and assured him, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’m not scared of that guy.”
“It’s not just him,” he said. “It’s just the thought of him and everything else.”
The helplessness. I understood now.
“But I can’t do anything about it, especially when I’m sick in the head, can I?” he said. “So give me the meds, Eve, and let’s get this over with.”