32. Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Two
Carter
M y grandmother was too weak to make it down for games last Sunday, so I spent the afternoon in her room streaming “I Love Lucy” episodes. I sensed something was off, but I never expected her to pass later that evening. She left this earth during sleep, as peaceful as she could be. It was difficult to receive that news, but I’m grateful for the time I’ve had with her. She was the most important person in my life, and there will forever be a hole in my heart.
Lina slept at my place that night. We made dinner together and then snuggled on my couch while I told her stories from my childhood. It was hard when she had to fly out the next morning, but knowing she was coming back home to me made it bearable.
I’ve spent the entire week organizing a celebration of life services. The formal service will take place on the memorial property in the morning, and then the wake a building over. My beloved grandmother will be laid to rest in a plot on top of the hill, underneath an oak tree, and, more importantly, next to my grandfather.
Lina and I have spoken on the phone every night since she’s been gone. Her constant presence has comforted me during this time. Each night from her hotel room, we discussed flower arrangements and food for the guests, among the little things that have come up during the planning process. And the most meaningful of all, she talked me through the eulogy.
With her traveling all week, last night was the first time I’d seen her since early last Monday morning when she left my place. Waking up to her on this somber Saturday morning, I have many mixed emotions. Growing closer to one person while losing another is an emotion I struggle to put into words.
It’s the day of the services, and I’ve done everything I can to make sure it’s as perfect as she was. Her favorite flowers were white roses—the same as Lina’s—so I bought as many as I could to fill the chapel.
While buckling my belt, I catch Lina stepping out of my bedroom wearing a tight, long-sleeved black dress and a set of small pearls around her neck.
“A fan of pearl necklaces, are you?” I smile, trying to lighten my mood.
She scrunches her nose in my direction. “Always got jokes, don’t you?”
“You didn’t have to buy that. I could have given you one for free.”
“I’m sure you already have,” she quips.
I let out a light laugh.
“How are you holding up?” Her tone softens. She bends to slip on one of her high heels.
“The world feels emptier now. I hope I did everything right for her.” It’s been a rough week, but I’m relieved she’s finally at peace .
“I’m sure you did.” Lina’s heels click on the hardwood floors as she walks toward me. Sliding her arms around my neck, she smiles warmly. “Iris was lucky to have you.”
I press a light kiss on her forehead. “Thank you for being here and for everything you’ve helped me with this week.”
“No need to thank me, Carter.” Lina meets my eyes. “I wanted to be here for you.”
I wish I could tell her how much she truly means to me—that I’m falling in love with her, but it’s not the right time now. I fear the timing will never be. As of today, she is mine—and I am hers. How long can this last?
My head hangs low between us. I let my palms glide over the curves of her sides, appreciating every dip. Following the soft fabric of her dress, my fingers reach the hem and slip under. They caress her smooth skin as I trace all the way up her legs and to the hills of her ass.
Lina softly whimpers, curling into my touch. “Oh, Carter, we can’t do this now.”
“I know. I need to feel you,” I beg, clutching her with desperation. I’m even more afraid of losing her.
“Okay,” she says softly, letting me use her for strength.
I continue to roam my hands along her entire body. My face is in the crook of her neck, and I breathe her scent.
“We should go, baby.” My voice grows hoarse. I kiss her collarbone again and peel myself away.
Lina’s chest is flushed. She swallows hard, then inches her dress back down.
“Yeah, we should get there before everyone arrives,” she adds, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. “You’ll need to touch base with the coordinator too.”
I nod. “Are you ready?”
Lina grabs her coat from the back of the chair. “We have to drive separately.”
My eyelids clamp shut. Frustration whips at my back. Fuck. I almost forgot that Brian and our friends and coworkers would be there. Piper, Avery, and Bailey already know about us. Mine don’t—with the exception of Ashley and Abby.
“I know.” Defeat feels like it is written across my face.
Lina gives me a weak smile as she heads to the door. “Come on.”
She’s right behind me in her pink jeep the whole way to the memorial park, driving along the narrow-paved street through the low hills covered in scattered gravestones. My grandparents purchased their plots in the 1950s when this small cemetery was simply that— small . Now, it’s one of the most sought-after properties on the West Coast.
I shiver with the eerie thought of it.
We both pull up to the front office at the same time. I grab my coat, aviators, and bag with notes and personal mementos before stepping outside of the car. Turning around, I see Lina’s long leg and black high heel step out first. A gust of wind whips through her hair as she tilts her head to put on her matching sunglasses.
Fuck. I’m so obsessed with her.
And on a day like today, I’d love nothing more than to have her by my side during the service, but I know we’ll have to maintain some distance.
I walk around to the driver’s side of Lina’s car but stay at least an arm’s length away .
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
I stare at my reflection through her glasses, wondering how bad it would be if I pulled her into my arms in the middle of a parking lot that will soon be filled with people we know. Would it be so bad?
“I’m doing alright. It’s a beautiful day.” I glance up at the clear blue sky. “Like her.”
Lina reaches her hand out, slipping it into mine. “You made it this way.”
Just then, a car pulls up into one of the spots behind ours.“That’s Avery,” she assures me, keeping her hand in mine. “I asked her to come early in case you needed help with anything.”
“Then it’s safe to kiss you?” I ask, cupping the side of her face.
She exhales heavily. “Yes.”
I come closer and bring my lips to hers, sucking in a deep breath.
“Okay, you two.” Avery’s voice is light behind us.
Lina pulls away to greet her friend. “Hi, babe. Thanks for coming early.”
“Of course,” she says, extending an arm around me. “I’m so sorry, Carter. Please let me know where and what I can help with today.”
I give her a quick hug. “ Thank you.”
The service was beautiful and exactly how my grandmother would have wanted it. I stand at the bottom of the hill where she was laid to rest just fifteen minutes ago and say my final goodbyes to everyone who came to pay their respects.
I see Lina’s sister Zoe standing with Mason, Bailey, Avery, Brian, and Bristol, chatting at the top of the hill. The sun is shining, but a light wind moves through us. My eyebrows pinch together, and my eyes bounce around, looking for Lina across the bright green lawn and through the large oak trees.
“I’m right here.” I hear a sweet voice behind me.
Smiling, I fight the urge to touch her. “How did you know I was looking for you?”
She lowers her glasses, squinting in the bright afternoon sunlight. “Because I know you.”
My body warms, but my heart aches. “You do, don’t you?”
“Do you want me to stay the night tonight, or would you prefer to be alone?” she whispers, even though the group is more than an earshot away.
“I will always want you to stay with me, baby,” I reply, reaching out to lightly run my knuckles over the smooth skin of her cheek.
Lina’s eyes fall closed. “I was hoping you’d say that because I was going to come over anyway.”
I smile, appreciating her cheeky comment. But my thoughts are elsewhere. “Thank you for being here today.”
“You don’t have to keep thanking me. There is no place I’d rather be than here supporting you,” she says.
From the corner of my eye, I see movement—immediately, I drop my hand and turn my head to the side. The group, all in sunglasses and black formalwear, has started to walk down the grassy hill toward Lina and me. They’re all talking amongst themselves, oblivious to what’s going on.
“What are you doing after this?” I rush out, sensing our time growing short.
She subtly takes a step away. “I’m doing whatever you’re doing.”
I’m falling so hard, so fucking hard.
“After I finish everything up here, I’m going to head home.” I’m exhausted and would like to get away from everyone except for her. This week has been emotionally draining, and today was the peak of it all. It was overwhelming seeing the love and support from people in the community come out today. I’ve been away for so many years I had forgotten how involved she was in local clubs and with her friends.
While writing her eulogy this past week, I reached out to people from the organizations she was a part of, the boards she sat on, as well as some of the doctors who were part of her care team to learn more about the impact she had on them. A nurse from her memory care facility live-streamed the services for her friends who were unable to attend, including Betty and Warren.
“How are you holding up, Jag?” Brian asks, patting my shoulder.
“I’m okay. Glad it’s done, and she can finally rest. ”
“It was a beautiful service. Thank you for allowing us to come,” Bailey says.
“Yeah, man. Seeing all the people here today, she was a well-loved woman,” Mason adds.
I shove my hands into the pockets of my slacks. “Thank you all. I appreciate the support.”
“Well, we’re going to head out,” Brian announces to the group, hooking his arm around his girlfriend.
I sense Lina’s body stiffen.
I nod. “Okay, thanks again for coming.”
“Bye, Dad.” Lina hugs him before he turns to walk toward the parking lot. Then she turns to Zoe. “You can come home with me. I need to stop by and pick up a few things.”
“Are you going to Carter’s again tonight?” Zoe taunts in a clipped voice.
“Seriously? Why are you like this?” Lina snaps.
Zoe opens her arms, gesturing inside the group. “This is the circle of trust, my lovely sister. We all know your dirty laundry.”
Avery crinkles her nose. “She’s got a point.”
Lina blushes. “Fine.”
Bailey giggles in Lina’s direction before turning back to me. “I’m going to take my sister home, then I can stop by later if you need anything.”
“I will need a lot of things, trust me,” I say, licking my bottom lip.
“Oh my god.” Zoe rolls her eyes.
“That’s right,” Mason compliments, nodding his head.
“I’m friends with children. You’re all ridiculous, do you know that? ”
A chuckle bubbles in my chest from Lina’s reaction. I needed that little bit of laughter.
As we all go our separate ways, I head toward the front office to take care of any loose ends before I leave. After signing a few last forms and thanking the staff for everything they did today, I’m on my way to my car.
And it’s done. My grandmother is with my grandfather, and the rest of the world will keep on going even though I’ve lost such a force in my life.