35. Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Five
Carter
I ’ve been on the go for as long as I can remember. With my grandmother’s passing, I have no reason to stay in Phoenix. But why do I feel unsettled about accepting this position that requires me to relocate? A complete contradiction to everything I’ve come to count on my entire life. The thought of not seeing Lina every day cuts me deeply, but where do we go from here?
Most partners who paired up for the Children’s Hospital Charity Run only worked out together maybe once or twice before the event and just clocked bullshit hours into the app. Lina and I saw each other multiple times a week. I made excuses to see her every opportunity I could get. I’m not misreading her signals and confident she was doing the same. There is no doubt in my mind that she feels the same way as I do—the question is, what are both of us going to do about it? And will she admit to it?
I stand in front of the double blue doors to her townhouse with a heavy weight pressing down on my shoulders. I can fucking do this. I’m a man who is madly in love with a beautiful woman. A woman I’d burn down the entire world to have. Not only do I want her body, but I also want her heart. I want her present, and I need her goddamn future.
What are we doing together? There is no more time to wait. I’m done. I’m thirty-nine years old and ready to devote my life to Lina. We need to talk about how we’re going to move forward.
“Hi, Carter.” Her face lights up. I love seeing what I do to her. I bet her panties are fucking soaked too.
“Hi,” I say. My eyes water at the sight of her as she moves to the side, gesturing for me to come in. She’s wearing tight-fitting white workout pants and an oversized cut-off sweater that falls below one shoulder. It would come off easily.
The door is barely shut behind me before Lina swings both arms around my neck, capturing my mouth in hers. Her lips are sweet. They taste like home. I comb my fingers through her long, dirty blonde hair, then clasp them around the back of her neck.
“I’m happy to see you,” she whispers into my lips.
I slowly pull away, tilting her head to maintain eye contact. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Her eyebrows pull to the right as her expression changes. “Is everything okay?”
“Let’s sit down,” I say, lightly kissing her forehead. I try to mask the worry spread across my face. It’s difficult not to know how she’ll take the news.
I’m internally conflicted about whether I want her to take it well because that would mean we could simply say goodbye. A clean break. Chalking up the last couple of months to being only about having fun.
That’s a lie. It would devastate me.
Lina slowly lowers onto the couch. I take the space beside her but maintain some distance between us .
“What’s going on?” she asks, her hands balled in her lap.
Sucking in a heavy breath, I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “I’ve been offered a flight instructor position at a Florida naval academy.” I pause after my words, holding her eyes with mine.
Lina visibly swallows hard and rubs her lips together. “Okay. What does that mean?”
She’s going to make me say it. “If I take this position, I will be moving to Florida at the end of the month.”
Her eyes, still locked on mine, fill with moisture. “Are you going to take it?”
I knew she was going to make me answer this question too. I’ve thought about it nonstop since I got the call two days ago. Sadly, I don’t have the answer to give her. But I should take the position. It’s what I’ve wanted. The plan was never to stay in Phoenix permanently.
I shake my head, staring at the tiny fibers on the carpet at my feet. “I don’t know.”
Lina quickly rises and starts pacing. “You should take it.”
Even though I prepared myself for this response, it didn’t stop the feeling of being punched in the gut. She’s protecting herself like she always does.
I’m breathless. “Is that what you want?”
“What I want? This is your career. Your life,” she corrects me, a little out of breath.
I clasp my hands under my chin in a praying position. “I haven’t made a decision yet.”
“It seems like you already have.” Her bottom lip quivers.
Have I made my decision? Would I stay if she was in love with me? I would, without a doubt. But it has to be her decision. I’ve expressed my feelings for her many times over the course of our friendship, only falling short of saying those three life-changing words.
I lift and walk toward her, but she steps back. “Lina, I’m here because you’ve become an important part of my life.”
“We’re not going to be together.” She blinks a few times and quickly wipes a single tear that’s fallen from under her eyelids. “I’m more realistic than that. It’s not like we’re going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.”
“Obviously, we wouldn’t be riding—we’d be flying, ” I say, attempting to show her that I’m in this with her.
“You know what I mean. You need to live your life however you want to.” She sniffles, quickly swiping a tear from her cheek. “I’m familiar with that life—with guys like you. My dad said goodbye to my mom and me for it.”
That’s the first time I’ve heard her acknowledge that she actually wants to be with me, even if it wasn’t a full confession. My heart is in a death grip.
I shake my head. “No, baby, I’m not leaving you. But I’m not going to stay here unless it’s to be with you.”
“It’s not that simple.”
I draw in a deep breath and blow it out.
“I can’t ask you to give up on something for me.”
My jaw clenches.
She continues, “And my dad, I think he’ll get over it eventually, but you guys go back twenty years.”
Rubbing the back of my neck, I’m frustrated with everything she’s saying, even though she’s right. Brian will get over it if he knows there are no feelings involved. If there’s no way for either of us to hurt the other, and if he’s guaranteed not to have to choose sides, then maybe.
At that point, I know for certain I’d lose my longest friend.
Lina starts pacing again. “And my mom is marrying a man twice her age. My dad is dating a woman younger than me. I can’t be like them.”
No fucking way.
My eyebrows snap together. “Is this about age too?”
“Not the whole thing, but it does make it more complicated. I’ve never wanted to be like my parents with anything.” She blows out a puff of air and angles her head upward, capturing my eyes with her puffy ones. “The emotions I feel when we’re together scare the shit out of me, and my first instinct is to always harden—protect myself.” She runs a shaky hand through her hair. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you, but I also know these things don’t happen to women like me, Carter.”
I clamp my eyelids shut, forming my thoughts. “What do you mean, women like you ?”
“I’m not the wife kind. I’m the one men have affairs with, the one that’s just a one-night stand or hookup. I’ve come to accept it, and I can’t let my mind fantasize about things that won’t happen.”
“This is ridiculous, you know that?”
“I’m fucking terrified!” she yells. “This is what self-preservation looks like.”
“You can’t help who you fall in love with,” I slip out, not thinking about my words before letting them hit the air.
But she fails to catch the entirety of what I’ve said. “My mom doesn’t love Elijah, and my dad definitely doesn’t love Bristol—” She stills, her eyes darting up to mine.
I smile, sensing her catching up with what I’ve alluded to. “Do you want to know if I love you?”
Silence.
I quickly step into her. “Fuck, Lina. I love you more than I’ve ever loved another person.” She doesn’t move away this time. Sliding my arms around her waist, I dip my head into the crook of her neck and breathe in her familiar euphoric scent. “Yes, I love you, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”
Her delicate arms wrap around my back. She nuzzles her face into my shoulder. “I love you too,” she says.
When those three words land on my ears, my posture falls in relief. This is it. She’s going to give herself to me. Images of our future together flash through my mind. Us flying around the world together. Waking up to her wrapped around my torso every morning for the rest of my fucking life. I don’t even care if we ever get married, and I’d love kids, but if she didn’t, I’d be completely content with spending my entire life with her by my side. My thoughts trail on.
“It feels so good hearing you say that.” I kiss the side of her head, burying my nose in her hair.
She’s a little stiff. Something is not right.
Lina’s hands fly up to her face. “And that is what is going to make this fucking gut-wrenching.”
My eyes sting as tears start to form. What the fuck? I drop my arms. “What?”
Her eyes are swollen, and mascara is smudged across her cheek. “We can’t be together. ”
My jaw twitches. It takes me a second to process. “I can’t believe you’re saying this.”
“I’m not going to be the reason you give up on what you want to do. I can’t be the reason you lose your best friend, and I can’t give up on my career either,” she says, her throat bobs with a hard swallow.
“I would be making that choice. And how would you be giving up on yours?” My fingertips circle my temples.
“I can’t go to Florida with you.”
“I’d never ask you to do that. I’d stay here.”
“I can’t ask you to do that either.” Tears stream down her face.
“Are you saying all of this because it’s what you want, or are you still trying to protect yourself from getting hurt?” I challenge in a clipped tone. I’m losing my patience. This is so fucked. I can hardly form a complete thought.
“I don’t know.” Pain fills her voice. “Both.”
“That’s bullshit, Lina, and you know it.” I shake my head, rolling up my sleeves. “Did all this mean nothing to you?”
“It did! I told you I love you, Carter!” Her voice cracks. “What more do you want?”
My mouth tightens, and my eyes blaze with anger. “You! I want you!”
“What if I can’t give that to you? What if it’s not that simple?”
Lina is my future. I don’t have one without her, but I can’t force her to choose me. She carries past trauma that I can’t fix. The only thing I can do is wait for her. Wait for her to come to terms with the fact that she isn’t her parents, and I’m not going to ever hurt or leave her. She’s in love with a man significantly older than she is, and I can’t force her to accept that either .
“I’m not going to convince you to be with me. You know where I stand, and you know where to find me.” I keep my voice low and emotionless before I turn to leave, slamming the door behind me.
Brian is like a brother to me, but this woman is my future.