36. Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Six
Lina
I hear a soft knock on the door to my bedroom. Rolling over underneath my heavy down comforter, I peel my sticky skin from the silk bed sheets.
“Go away,” I call out, my voice raspy.
“It’s been almost two days. If you don’t voluntarily let me in.” Zoe pauses. “I’m going to do the unthinkable.”
She wouldn’t, would she?
“I’m going to call our mother, Lina Delany Eastbrook,” she threatens. “And I know that’s the last thing you want, but I’m not above calling in reinforcements.”
“Fuck you.”
A harder, longer knock. “I’m barging in in five … four … three …”
My sister’s impatience with me over the last few days has done nothing but make me realize how embarrassing this situation is. I don’t act like this over a man. I never have. But then, why does my heart hurt so bad? Why does it feel like I can no longer breathe properly? The world has suddenly become dull and lifeless. I can’t even stand hearing my own thoughts. Fuck my life.
“Two … one.” She practically falls through the door. “Okay. This is ridiculous.”
“How dare you threaten to call her.” I bury my face under a pillow.
“Okay, that was a low blow.” I feel the side of the bed dip, assuming she’s sat down. “Can I call the girls?”
“No—well, Avery,” I say. “She’s the only one left who will understand my self-loathing.”
Zoe breathes out an exaggerated sigh, making sure I hear her annoyance. “Fine. But you have to talk to me first.”
“What can I do for you, Zoe?” I raise my voice impatiently.
She jerks the pillow away, exposing my bloodshot eyes and swollen face.
“I really hate you right now.”
“I don’t give a shit.” Her lips set in a hard line. “This is ludicrous. Why can’t you be with him?”
Twisting, I pull the blanket over to cover myself again. “You don’t get it.”
Zoe pops off the bed. “Let’s get some light in here, babe.”
I hear her footsteps head toward the window, followed by the aggressive sound of the shutters tilting open. “And what don’t I get? You two are obsessed with each other. He even said he’d stay here for you.”
Anger courses through my veins. I sit straight up, my hair fanning around my shoulders. “What if he eventually resents me for it? Carter isn’t like most men. He’s never been grounded. He’s spent his entire life traveling, being on the go, and airborne.” I wipe a tear that has fallen from under my eyes. “I can’t deny him of that. I love him, Zoe, and I know what makes him happy. I know what makes him feel alive. That’s one of the reasons why I understand he’s never been married or had a serious girlfriend. Guys like him and my dad aren’t made for the simple life.”
“These are just poor excuses for you being scared,” she bites back, her hand planted on her hip.
I glare at my sister, hating her pushing me like this. “It’s reality.”
She crosses her arms at her chest. “Reality is what you make it.”
I hear a key in the lock downstairs as someone opens the front door.
“We’re in her room.” Zoe raises her voice, keeping her eyes on me.
My mouth drops. Unbelievable. My sister actually called our mother. She’s about to get her little ass kicked out. “You did call her, didn’t you?”
Zoe doesn’t answer me, but the smile on her face tells me it isn’t my mom. I whip my head to see Avery standing at my bedroom door, frowning. She drops her purse, kicks off her shoes, and walks over to the bed with her arms extended. My heart sinks, and suddenly, the tears spill from under my eyelids and roll down my cheeks.
“Babe, I’m so sorry.” She crawls underneath my covers and wraps her arms around me.
Resting my head on Avery’s shoulder, I look at Zoe apologetically.
“I called her a half hour ago and told her I was going to barge into your room because it had been two days.” My sister slips her hand over mine and gently squeezes it .
“Thanks.” I smile.
“You love him, Lina. Everyone knows that. It’s okay to admit it. You want to be together, and that’s okay too,” Avery says, wiping a tear from my cheek.
“There are so many reasons why we can’t be together.” I back away, running a hand through my tangled hair.
“Because you think you’re holding him back?” Avery asks.
I nod. “Yeah. I love him too much to see him try to change himself for me.”
Zoe leans forward, placing a hand on the comforter over my knee. “Your dad too, huh? Because if that’s the case, why should it fucking matter? You’ve lived the majority of your life without Brian. Why should he have a say in anything now that you’re a grown-ass woman?”
Avery pulls her mouth to the side. “True.”
I shake my head, my eyebrows knit together. “You both are forgetting the age gap between us. And Carter and my dad served together—”
Avery’s finger comes up in front of us, silencing my rambles. “That alone tells you how much you mean to him. The fact that he’d risk all of that for you. That’s love.”
I want to believe everything. I want to think that Carter and I could fly off together into the distance, living in our little bubble, but there are so many layers to it. And I’m a realist. I don’t believe in happily ever afters for everyone. It doesn’t work out for some people.
“Look, I know you both mean well, and you’re saying all of this because a part of you actually believes this could happen, but that’s exactly why I didn’t want to get Bailey or Piper involved. They’ve found their people, and I’m so happy for them, I am. I also know that they’re not the rule—they’re the exception. I’m the rule. I’m not the type of woman men marry. I’m the one they fuck around with. And this is proof of that.” I scoot back under my covers.
“You have no idea how incredible you are, Lina. For someone who exudes such confidence, you don’t have it inside.” My friend respectfully reminds me. “And what about me?”
“You’ll get your happily ever after, babe. It’s probably not your time yet,” I whisper with a smile. Avery is kind, gentle, and caring—and she’s already met her true love. She just hasn’t realized it yet.
“But what if this is yours?” she counters.
A bolt of irritation shoots up my spine. I’m tired of defending myself, and it’s too painful to keep talking about him. “I don’t need a fucking man to give me a future. I’m fine by myself.”
“Goddamnit, Lina, you are so fucking stubborn!” Zoe shouts. “He loves you, and you love him. Fuck everyone else!”
I ignore my sister’s reaction and continue to wallow in self-pity.
After sleeping another twelve hours, I finally decided it was time to get up. Tomorrow, I have to report to work for a three-day trip. I have a lot to do today before traveling for the next couple of days. I’m hopeful getting away will let me clear my head. Being grounded for too long makes me feel claustrophobic. That is why I understand the type of person Carter is—because we’re one and the same.
I need to talk to him, though. I’m unhappy with the way we left it last week, and my heart bleeds for him. I still don’t know where my mind is, but at this moment, the only person who can comfort me is him. This is a stark contrast to how I was feeling speaking with my sister and Avery. God, I’m a mess. My emotions are completely unhinged.
I take a quick shower, throw my hair up in a baseball cap, and pull on one of the hoodies he left at my house. I don’t dare take the one that I’ve been sleeping with. I can’t risk getting rid of his scent. I drive straight to his place, unsure if he’d even see me after how we left our last conversation. I go anyway.
On the drive over here, I replayed what I was going to say to him. More importantly, I didn’t get the chance to tell him how I truly feel. I admitted that I’m in love with him, but those simple words come with so much more.
When Carter uttered those words describing how much he was in love with me, it broke me. My heart had been his for some time, but there were still parts that I could control—parts that I could protect. But fear turned it to ice in defense.
I wanted him to know how much I ache for him and how it feels unbearable not to be with him anymore. The thought of him moving away makes me sick to my stomach and bile creeps up my throat. Is he worth getting hurt over? Because the way I see it now, is that I’m guaranteed heartache if I don’t try. Why didn’t I say those things? Is it too late?
I get to his door, anxious and unsure. I knock twice, taking a deep breath in, then blowing it out with force. The street sounds disappear, and the chirping of the birds in the trees in the courtyard silences. My eyes gloss over. Glaring at the heavy metal door of his top-story condo, I wait for him to answer.
Nothing.
I knock again, this time harder, quicker. My ears grow warm with fear. I wonder if he’s not answering for me.
“Carter?” I whisper yell into the door.
Nothing.
Did I miss my chance? Maybe he’s on a flight or at the airport flying his plane.
I throw my hair into the hole in my baseball cap because my neck is sweaty from nerves. Leaning against the side of the wall, I knock again, this time reddening my knuckles from the force of impact. Defeat.
Tears fill my eyes. Crossing my arms at my chest, I stand here, continuing to wait. A million thoughts race through my mind. Did he already move? No, that’s impossible. Maybe he already flew to Florida to accept the job? An overwhelming sense of dread fills me.
I bet I’m too late. Carter left upset and heartbroken that day. Neither of us planned for this. When did all this happen? Was it always there? He’s unlike any man I’ve ever known. He’s fiercely protective and passionate. He loves hard and isn’t afraid to go after what he wants. Carter knows my secrets. He knows my dreams. He’s in my fucking head.
His body had been talking to mine for months but was waiting for my brain to catch up. And now that it has, I pulse with fear. Fear about losing something now that I’ve always believed I’d never get. Carter makes me so happy. If the world faded away tomorrow, he’d be the only one I’d want to live for. I can’t believe I’m thinking these things and yet—I let him go.
With my head down, I watch teardrops splatter on the floor at my feet. Dazed and blurry-eyed, I hear a door open behind me. I whip my head up and around to see who it is.
Abby and Ashley, Carter’s neighbors, with their dog Snickers. They’re both focused on the dog at their feet, who won’t contain his excitement for the walk they’re about to go on.
I quickly wipe the wetness from under my eyes, then pick at the strings on his hoodie. When they see me, they’re both laughing at each other.
“Hi,” Ashley greets me first, tugging on the red dog leash.
Abby smiles. “Lina, right?”
“Yes.” I swallow hard, trying to keep my composure. “It’s good to see you both again.”
Ashley’s eyes soften. “Are you looking for Carter?”
My body warms at the sound of his name. “Yes, I am. Do you happen to know where he is?”
“I don’t.” Ashley glances at Abby. “Do you?”
Abby shakes her head. “Did you try calling him?”
It is the obvious thing to do. How do I tell them that I have not because I’m not sure he’d answer my call?
“I guess I should’ve tried that first.” I chuckle uncomfortably, playing it off like I had simply not thought of that. “Thank you.”
I turn away from them and start walking down the hall when I hear one of their voices behind me.
“Is everything okay?” I can tell there’s some concern in the tone, and it takes everything in me not to break down in front of two people I barely know. But the fact that they’re connected to Carter makes it all the more difficult to keep it in.
I slowly turn around to face them. My bottom lip quivers. “I’m not sure.”
Abby squats to pick up Snickers. “You know he loves you, right?”
Like a dagger sent directly into my chest, the breath is knocked out of me. Unable to form a response, I simply nod.
“He wasn’t going to accept that job in Florida,” Ashley adds, as if unaware that I’m already aware of this information. I am as big of a mess as I am right now because of it.
“Yeah, I know that,” I tell them.
Abby wraps an arm around Ashley, pulling her close. “Do you love him?”
I nod again.
“Call him,” Abby says with a straight face.
I exhale a heavy sigh. “I’m not sure he’ll answer my call.”
“You’re not going to know unless you try,” she counters.
“I know you don’t know us very well, but we know Carter. He’s like a brother to us. And he has never looked so happy and content as he has the last couple of months. Even with his loss, he’s had this lightness about him. It’s almost like he’d been missing something and finally found it.”
I hang my head low, letting the tears pour from my eyes. I feel so defeated. I can’t stay here talking to them. They’re trying to make things better, but it’s only making everything exponentially worse.
Lifting my head up, my eyes bounce between them. “Thank you. Carter is lucky to have friends like you.”
I turn on my heels and walk away. Before I round the corner at the end of the hallway, I hear a distant “Bye, Lina.”
I can’t fucking do this . I’m not cut out for this weak shit. I square my shoulders, wipe my eyes, and swallow every single painful emotion.