Chapter 59
FIFTY-NINE
ANDY
Declan worshipped my body a second time before we finally unwrapped ourselves from each other and left the hotel, hand in hand, to visit one of his favorite food trucks to get smash burgers near Central Park.
He'd always promised to bring me to New York to get one, and here we are, over two years later, finding ourselves in New York at the same time. Not exactly ideal, considering the plan was always to come together, but nevertheless, here we are.
Had I been a fool to allow Declan into my bed and body without at least pretending to be hard to get and making him grovel a bit for the things he's put me through? Probably. But do I regret it? Absolutely not.
Two years later, he still knows my body like the back of his hand.
After getting our food, Declan carries the plates while I carry two water bottles, following him toward an empty bench.
Sitting beside him, I pass him one of the waters, exchanging it for a plate containing a burger and fries.
We eat silently, the air thick with awkwardness and tension.
It was easy jumping into bed with Declan, but now that it's time to talk, I'm unsure how to act.
He still resembles my Declan, but we've been apart for two years. We're different people now. I'm not the same naive girl I'd once been, desperate for a man to make her feel special. I've learned my self-worth and am not defined by a man anymore.
Declan takes our empty plates over to the trash as soon as we're done eating, then returns to my side, leg bouncing nervously. Finally, he breaks the silence, putting us both out of our misery.
"Andy," he turns to face me, taking my hands in his, "I'm embarrassed and unsure where to begin. Saying sorry to you isn't enough for all the shit I've put you through." I mirror him, moving one leg onto the bench between us, "I want you to know I'm sober now, and I understand that may be hard for you to believe because I've lied to you so many times." I remain silent, allowing him to work out the thoughts in his head.
"I've been following your career. You fucking did it, Mama. You accomplished every dream you had." The corner of his mouth curls up in a half smile. "I'm proud of you. And I may have a dozen copies of your book already."
Warmth fills me when he tells me he's proud. I'm proud of myself, but it's different to hear that from someone else—from someone who, after two years apart, still means everything to you. "Thank you," I mutter bashfully. "Have you read it?" I'm nervous about his answer, unsure if I want him to have read my book or not, considering it's our story.
Declan nods, surprising the fuck out of me. When I give him a wide-eyed look, he chuckles before clarifying, "You wrote our story." His thumbs stroke over the back of my hands. "I'll admit, it was hard to read about how much I hurt you. You always forgave me and rarely told me how you truly felt. You poured your heart into that story, which helped me understand you a lot more."
My eyebrows furrow. "How did it help you to understand me?"
"After the night you came to New York to surprise me after my show, you stopped letting me in. Stopped sharing your feelings." I shake my head, pulling my hands away from him.
"No," I close my eyes. "That's not—" I pause, letting out a heavy breath. Looking back, I think he might be right. That moment in our relationship had us heading downhill to our fatal ending.
"You're right," I admit, letting my leg slide down from the bench as I turn away from him to face forward. "I was afraid to say anything that would set you off. You were fragile, and I didn't want to push you over the edge. You tried to kill yourself, Declan." My voice clogs with emotion, and I swallow it down. Tears sting my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. The memory of getting that phone call from Adam haunts me. For months, the what-ifs had haunted me.
What if Adam hadn't gotten to Declan in time?
What if Declan tried again?
"I didn't want you to try again. You have no idea how much it killed me to be there at the hospital. So close, yet so far away from you. Even when you were released and I could see you, I was constantly afraid. Every time my phone rang, I stopped breathing because I didn't want to get the call that you were dead." I lose my fight with keeping my tears at bay, and the first one rolls down my cheek.
Declan moves from the bench and squats down in front of me, arms wrapped around my waist as my legs spread to make room for him. Glossy brown eyes stare back at me.
He opens his mouth to speak, but I press my finger to his lips to silence him. "Walking away from you was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wanted my love to save you, and for a long time, I couldn't understand why it couldn’t. It wasn't until my mom died that I realized it wasn't about me not loving you enough. It was you who needed to love yourself and fight your demons. You needed to realize that you were worth more than the life you were living. You needed to confront your fears, and my love would never change that." Gentle, familiar fingers caress my skin, wiping the fallen tears from my cheeks.
"I love you, Declan. I have always loved you," I whisper. "But I couldn't watch you kill yourself."
"My demons had nothing to do with you, Andy. What I was going through, that was all my own shit. You loved me so fucking much, and I took it for granted. At that stage in my life, I was the only one who could save me, no matter how much you loved me." he buries his face in my lap, shoulders shaking with silent sobs, the warm tears seeping through the fabric of my jeans. "I'm so fucking sorry for everything I put you through. I don't know how you can forgive me, but I need you to know that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you allow me a chance," he says, words muffled by my lap.
His red-rimmed, teary eyes stare at me. His grip around my waist is secure, and for the first time in over two years, I feel safe again in his arms. My hands slide up his arms, leaning forward until I can tangle my fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.
"I don't deserve your forgiveness, so I won't ask for it. And instead of making promises, I'm going to show you how fucking sorry I am and how much I've changed. You are my light in the darkness. You were what helped me find my way out of the darkness that surrounded me for too fucking long." I rest my forehead against his as my heart pounds in my chest, aching at the sincerity of his words. "I don't know if you have room for me in your life, and even though I don't deserve it, I'm begging, please give me another chance. Let me make it up to you. Let me love you how you deserve to be loved. Let me love you how I should've instead of taking you for granted." His warm, minty breath fans across my lips, tears running down both of our cheeks.
I've always loved that Declan was never shy about showing his emotions. While many men consider it weak to cry, I love that Declan wears his heart on his sleeve and isn't afraid to cry. It shows his humanity .
"Declan, I don't know what I can offer you. You broke my trust, and I don't know how you can get it back. I gave you a chance to come clean to me about your drug use, and instead of being honest, you lied and gaslit me. Then you ghosted me, tried to kill yourself, lied again about being sober, and then again gaslit me. I was fucked up for a long time after that." It took months of therapy and writing for me to be able to unwrap and understand everything that we went through in our three-month relationship.
"We went through a lot in a short amount of time." He sighs. "I put you through a lot, and take full responsibility for everything. I'm not going to blame it on my addiction either." He pulls back until he can look into my eyes. "Please, Andy. Give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I am better than that. Let me prove that you are safe with me and that I can be the man you deserve. I've been working on myself every day for two years, hoping and praying I'd have this chance. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm begging."
When I stare into his eyes, I find the truth reflecting in his dark brown hues. It's too easy to fall under Declan's spell, but I'd like to believe I'm stronger now and won't fall for the devilish lure of his lies.
I choose to believe him and give him another chance without any conditions or ultimatums. Maybe I'm a fool, but I love him. And if I end up a fool in the end, then jokes on me. However, something tells me that he won't let me down this time.
"Friends," I say, watching as he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth. "We can be friends. Take things slow and go from there." His eyes light up, and he stands, pulling me up.
Declan slips his hands into my hair, tugging on my curls to tilt my head back. Then his mouth devours mine, and I'm melting in his arms.
I taste him. The man I love. The man I'm choosing to trust with my heart .
"Friends," Declan confirms breathlessly, and then his lips are back on mine.
His kiss sets my soul on fire and repairs my broken heart.
For the first time, I don't taste bitter lies on his tongue.