Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
Only once her lips met his did Karvek truly respond. He kissed her savagely, angling her head exactly how he wanted, guiding her hands where he wanted, pressing her to him in just the way he wanted.
He wasn’t just controlling; he was dominating. She remembered what he’d said about his tastes requiring privacy. She could imagine that easier now.
Her stomach flipped, and she felt sick. Kissing him back was painful, but also somehow freeing. He knew how broken she was, and he was so twisted himself that he didn’t care. His touching her was the kind of pain that almost felt good against her shredded heart.
It was the type of affection she deserved.
He pulled away first and chuckled darkly. “We’ll explore that later.”
She didn’t know what to say, so she just watched him, letting him see the emotions on her face. The vulnerable confusion.
“Not to say I’m not flattered, but why did you kiss me?” Again, there was a questioning look in his eyes.
“I am tired of not belonging,” she said truthfully. “Of being pushed away.”
He smiled at that, and it would have almost seemed warm if he were capable of such a thing.
“My father was a strong, unyielding man. But he eventually grew complacent, thought he had everyone and everything in line, and that got him killed. He never saw his enemy coming. Power is how you stay alive in this world.” Karvek looked over her shoulder, a mask of indifference on his face.
“My brother has no ambition; he is more than willing to let others have power over him, to wait for someone to come for him. I’ve tried to make him see reason; he is still family after all.
The only way he can protect himself is by taking the power I offer him.
He could have been my major if he played his cards right, second only to me. ”
He tsked, like it truly bothered him. “It’s going to get him killed.”
Iryana wondered if Karvek would have truly ever let Pyetar have that much power, be that close to him. She doubted it.
Karvek continued. “But you’re not as foolish as my brother. Trust me, let me guide you, and I will give you a place to belong.”
If he weren’t a murderous sociopath, if he weren’t threatening the people she loved, and if she didn’t need him to die to protect her family, it would be a tempting offer.
He was probably the only person who could truly care for her, she realized sadly.
After Karvek dismissed her, Iryana had every intention of sneaking out to the river to scrub herself raw. She walked along the wall toward the closest tower, dipped into the dim space and climbed down the ladder, trying to process everything.
She ached to be touched gently, to be worshiped, but it would be far too short-lived. Iryana didn’t deserve soft touches, soft words; she’d only destroy them. Turn them into regret and disgust. And that was a pain she couldn’t handle.
Karvek’s touch scared her, disgusted her even, but it was also comforting.
Because he wanted her despite knowing how broken she was.
He already knew, so there was nothing to destroy.
Pyetar had said his brother would toss her away if she stopped being useful to him, and in some ways she knew it was true.
But in others… it felt like she could trust Karvek because she understood him.
Knew exactly where she stood with him and what his limits were.
It was predictable. Safe, in a twisted sort of way.
He didn’t touch her like she was precious, like she was something beautiful. He touched her like she was broken and he wanted her anyway. Like he would take her in all her pieces and do what he liked with them. Nothing about Karvek, or the way he handled her, was soft.
She felt more broken than she ever had, raw.
It would all be over soon, she reminded herself.
Climbing down, she heard someone walking in the tower, and quickly wiped the emotions from her face before turning to see who it was.
Pyetar was waiting at the bottom of the ladder, the room dim and empty. Only a bit of light shone through the arrow slits in the wall. His hair was a mess, as if he’d been repeatedly running his hands through it, and his cap was crumpled in one of his fists.
He stopped his pacing when he saw her, relief instantly softening his sky-blue eyes.
“How did it go? I was worried that he’d—” Pyetar’s face twisted painfully. “Is he mad that you didn’t turn me in?”
“Everything is fine,” she drawled casually as she stepped off the ladder. Then she lowered her voice. “After two days, your brother won’t be a problem anymore.”
Pyetar froze, not moving for a long moment as his face seemed to cycle through degrees of terror.
She watched him carefully as she stepped off the ladder. When he finally focused on her again, a look of realization settled on his features. Hope twinkled in his eyes.
He covered the few steps between them, staring at her mouth.
She knew it was coming, knew she shouldn’t let him do it, but she was so desperate to pretend she deserved better that she didn’t so much as hesitate as he collided with her.
His arms were protective around her, his mouth persistent against her own.
With her eyes closed, she could almost pretend nothing existed beyond his warmth.
That there would be no consequences. Without a thought, Iryana gave into it.
He soothed her fear and worries, and she clung to him, wanting desperately to feel like everything was going to be all right.
Iryana loved the way he felt against her, the way his hands roamed over her. She slipped her hands under his shirt, tracing his muscles up to his chest. Pyetar groaned into her mouth. She wanted his skin against hers.
Pyetar broke their kiss and pulled back, just enough to look at her. He brushed the stray tendrils of hair out of her face, trailed his fingers over her cheek, over her lips. His expression was tender.
She caught her breath, the wildness of their embrace calming. But he was still touching her, gently. Like she was something precious.
Fear returned.
“What are we doing?” she gasped.
His brow tugged down slightly, but the warmth didn’t leave his gaze. “I’ve been fooling myself, pretending I could keep myself from caring for you.”
Iryana tensed in his arms. “I don’t understand. We both agree this couldn’t happen.”
“I’ve been so afraid that Karvek will see the way I look at you, the way I’m drawn to you, despite how hard I’ve tried to stay away.” He swallowed, his throat bobbing. “That Karvek will realize he can control me by hurting you.”
His words made no sense. She knew there was attraction, tension that had been building in the space between them. But what he suggested was more. She couldn’t wrap her head around it.
“I don’t understand,” she mumbled. “You—you can’t.”
“I can’t care for you?” He pulled her tighter, expression growing serious.
“How could I not? You are the most loyal person I know; you will do anything for the people you love. And yet you don’t seek recognition or reward; you just do it because you love them.
And even for me, who you have every right to hate, you’ve looked out for me. No one has ever done that.”
His words tore at the pieces of her heart. “But we can’t.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “Once my brother is gone, we can leave. You’ll have done what you can for your family, I’ll be free of Karvek, there’d be nothing to stop us. I know you can’t go back home, so let’s find a new one. Together.”
She could do nothing but stare at him.
Gods how she wished she could, but she didn’t know how to be with someone. How to keep herself from driving them away. Anything between them was doomed. She didn’t deserve him, wasn’t worthy of it. Any feelings he had for her would slowly die, turning corrupt.
“Iryana?”
She looked back at him wildly, sucking in breath after breath.
“Are you okay?” He was concerned now, curling around her protectively as she fought through her panic.
It felt like she was fracturing, coming undone.
“You’re better off without me, trust me.”
He shook his head, his eyes darkening. He leaned so close that his mouth was inches from her own, and she had to fight the urge to meet them. His breath brushed against her cheek, her lips. Trailed down her neck.
“You are amazing, Iryana,” he growled. “You’re brave and smart and compassionate. You’re so beautiful, and those eyes… gods, I would swim in them if I could. They draw me in, and all I want is to know the thoughts behind them. And you are so strong, you never give up.”
Numbness filled her. He didn’t see her, not really. She wasn’t kind or brave or strong. Perhaps she cared, but it never seemed to stop her from hurting people. And beauty didn’t matter; the way he saw her would be poisoned just like his feelings.
He was just confused, she reasoned. Letting his excitement at escaping his brother and his lust for her make him too fuzzy. She pushed him back a step.
“Pyetar, this can’t happen.” She gestured between them. “Regardless of whether your brother is a threat. That may have been what held you back, but I can’t do this. Even once my family is safe.”
“I don’t understand,” Pyetar said softly. “I’ve seen how you look at me. You’ve risked yourself for me; you’re protecting me. Do you truly not care for me?”
That was the problem; she did care. Gods, it hurt. “It isn’t that. You’re a good man, Pyetar. But that isn’t for me.”
“You’re really so afraid that you won’t let yourself be happy?” His voice was rough with frustration.
“You don’t know me! You may think you do, but you’re wrong.” She was shaking now. “You don’t even know I just kissed your brother!”
Pyetar jerked back, anger flashing in his eyes. “Don’t use my brother to push me away. I don’t believe for a second you wanted him to kiss you. That you didn’t think you needed to do it for your plan to work. You’ll do anything for your family. I know you. You don’t fool me.”
She looked away. “If you knew me, you’d know this will never happen. I don’t want it to.”