Chapter 39
Lacey
Guys are idiots, Lace.
My mother's voice reminds me of a time I was crying to her over a stupid high school boyfriend I once had.
I thought I loved the guy, only to find out love was not what I was experiencing. Honestly, I don’t think I have ever been in love, not like my parents, anyway.
My daddy agreed with my mama’s statement that day, adding in his own two cents…
For most of their lives, they think with their second head and not the one connected to their neck. It takes a good woman to set him straight and most men are too stupid to realize a good woman when they have one.
He pulled my mama into him and kissed her on the forehead while she smiled deeply.
My parents are the image I see for myself one day on this farm with my own family, raising the next generation, but there are many different ways to have a family.
I may not ever be able to have children of my own, who knows what my body will or won’t do, but how dare Beckett make that decision for me like he did last night.
Out of all things to scare him off since he has been back, a kid is what did it?
I know he doesn’t want to be like his parents. I know he has trauma he needs to work through, but he had no right to take my decision away from me.
I open the gate of the round pen, leading the filly inside. I feel confident this evening, or maybe I am just running off pure emotion, but I want to try to saddle her today.
Carson’s truck pulls up at the front of the house, getting my attention. He waves at me when he gets out but walks into the house. I half-heartedly wave back. My brother and his ex-best friend are going to give me high blood pressure before I am twenty-five.
“Come on, girl.” I loosen the lead-rope to give the filly some room. “Let’s get some energy out of you.”
She moves with grace around the side of the round pen, her legs moving swiftly; she looks like she is gliding around the dirt circle with ease.
“Good girl.” I praise her, and she licks her lips when I ask her to stop.
A couple of our cattlemen ride by on their horses and nod when they pass by us.
“She looks good.” Briggs comes out of the barn with Gunner on his side.
“Thank you.” I beam. “Think I might saddle her today.”
“You think it’s time?” he looks at me warily.
I nod. “She is doing well. I think she will do great. Just saddle nothing else.”
“Just be careful,” he tells me. “Say goodbye to Miss Lacey.” He tells Gunner. “I’ll be back soon as I drop him off with his grandparents.”
“Bye, little man.” I wave at him. “You tell your daddy to bring you back anytime.”
“Thank you for being so understanding.”
“You know if my mama were here, she would have him on her lap and telling you to leave him with her.” I wink, making him chuckle.
“I sure miss her,” he pauses. “You are a lot like her, Lacey. She would be proud of you. Thank you for dinner last night.”
I choke back my tears. “Anytime, Briggs. You and yours are family here.”
“Goodluck with the two toddlers,” he yells before he gets in his truck, making me roll my eyes at the thought.
I turn my attention back to the filly, “Are you thinking what I am thinking?”
She licks her lips, excitement rushing through me.
“I thought so.”
* * *
Beckett
I didn’t sleep at all last night after walking out of the farmhouse and lying in my bed in the cottage. So much has happened since arriving back home, yet so much has changed.
I only came back to pay my respects for a lady who meant a lot to me. Although the Taylors felt sorry for me, I still felt like I owed it to Jane to say my goodbyes, something I never got to do with Holden.
I didn’t expect anything else.
This cottage, this ranch, Jane’s letter, her daughter.
How do I comprehend it all.
I need to get back to Vegas, focus on my career.
But all I can think about is Lacey.
For a moment, I could see a future with her, kids running around, Carson and me being brothers again.
But that isn’t reality.
Growing up, I lived in a fairy tale world with the Taylors, making myself believe I actually belonged with them. My own parents didn’t exist in that version I had in my head. Only to get hit with reality the night they killed themselves because of me.
I don’t want to even consider doing that to my own child.
So, I just won’t have any. I won’t have a family at all.
I’ll live the rest of my life in the rodeo world until I am old and die alone someday. Because that is what I deserve. Those are the cards I have been dealt.
My parents made sure I would never know true happiness because of the demons they bestowed on me by making a careless and selfish choice.
A choice that ruined my mind forever.
* * *
Lacey
I left her in the round pen to move around freely while I grabbed the saddle and saddle pad from the tack room.
I don’t want to rush things with her, but I do think she is ready for the next step. Just seeing what she will do with some weight on her back before I decide I am ready to sling my legs over her.
“What are you doing?” Carson asks, walking into the tack room.
“I am about to see how the filly does with a saddle on her back.”
“Oh, that’s good. Do you need my help?”
“No, Carson. I don’t. I need you to read your letter from mom.”
“Lace. I am not ready.” He sighs.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t think mom and I will agree on this.”
“I know you won’t. But you know Mom; she has a way with her words.” I grab my brother’s hand and squeeze it. “Can you try to act your age?”
All he does is nod before I grab the saddle and saddle pad, making my way back out to the arena.
I love my brother with all my heart, but I will not bend on this.