Chapter 38
Beckett
I wasn’t going to come to dinner tonight at the farmhouse, but my boots hit the porch steps anyway, slowly making my way to the front door and reaching for the handle.
I know Lacey is going to want an explanation for why I acted the way I did with the kid earlier. I just don’t think she’s ready for that harsh of a truth from me.
Carson’s truck hasn’t come back this evening, at least that is a positive on my side tonight. Laughter echoes inside the kitchen when I step inside, taking my cowboy hat off, and placing it on the hat rack by the front door.
“Beckett.” Lacey sees me first. She stands at the kitchen island, chopping lettuce near a salad bowl. “Glad you came.” She smiles at me.
I give her a soft grin back and notice Lexie and Briggs sitting on the floor by the kitchen table playing with Briggs's son. The little boy sees me instantly and stands, stumbling a little to get his feet going, and makes his way to me, my heart rate accelerating, not sure how to handle this.
When he gets to me, he reaches his hands up. “Um.” I look around for help.
Lexie giggles. “He wants you to pick him up.”
“Oh.” I bend down at eye level with the little boy, something in my chest tightening, I try my best to ignore it. “Do I need to like support his head or something?”
Briggs chuckles. “No, we are past the infancy stage.” His sarcasm gets a groan out of me making the girls giggle. “Just bend down and wrap your arms around him and place him on your side.”
I don’t associate myself with children for reasons of my own, but the moment I pick this little dude up, he smiles at me, making me smile back instantly.
“Someone likes you,” Lacey teases.
“What do you mean?”
Lacey puts all the salad items in the bowl, moving it to the table. “Kids don’t just walk up to anyone, Beckett.”
“Oh.” Now I am uncomfortable. It’s suddenly getting hot in here.
“Okay, let’s eat.” She smiles at everyone, gesturing to their seats. “Carson is not coming home tonight.” She looks at me. “So, you can stay here tonight if you’d like.”
I know Lexie and Briggs are not moving a muscle to see what my response will be. Nosey fuckers.
“Okay.” I manage a grin.
“Oooooo,” the two of them say, making Lacey giggle.
Lacey has prepared a wonderful-looking meal for all of us tonight. Chicken fingers, salad, peas, and creamed potatoes. It looks almost similar to the chicken-finger nights we would have when Jane cooked.
“I tried making them like mama,” Lacey says when she sits. “So be nice if they don’t taste like hers.”
“I bet they are going to be great,” Lexie says, grabbing Lacey’s hand for reassurance.
I try to put Gunner down so I can sit, but he climbs up my shoulder, holding on. “Um.” I look at the others, unsure what to do.
Briggs sighs. “Come on, buddy. Beckett doesn’t want to hold you all night.”
“No,” Gunner says and clings to me even more.
“Gunner. Now we have to listen to daddy,” Briggs tells him.
“No!” And he clings to me harder; actually, I think his nails are burrowing in my skin as we speak.
“It’s okay,” I tell Briggs. “I can eat, and he can sit on my lap.”
“Are you sure?” Briggs asks.
“Yeah. It’ll be fine, right, Gunner?” I look down at his bright blue eyes.
The little guy smiles back at me, my body instantly reacting with a smile back to him.
What is happening? I have never been like this with kids.
Thankfully, Lacey fixed my plate for me, but the moment Gunner sees the chicken fingers in front of us, he reaches for them.
“Can he have those?” I ask anyone at the table who will answer.
Briggs laughs. “A little bit will be fine.”
“Okay, bud. Let’s half it,” I tell the tiny creature on my lap.
Breaking apart the chicken, I give him a smaller piece to hold in his hand.
“Remember to blow it first, Gunner. Remember?” Briggs tells his son, reminding him how with his own chicken finger.
Ah, right. It’s hot.
He blows on it a few times, and I blow on mine, so he is not alone. We take a bite at the same time, the memories of Jane’s homemade chicken fingers rushing through my mind. Lacey has done it; she has recreated her mother’s recipe.
“They are just like your mama’s,” I grin at her.
A tear glistens in her eye. “I am so glad.”
* * *
“You want to talk about it?” Lacey asks while we stand by the sink washing the dishes from tonight’s dinner. I hold a towel in my hand, drying off the ones she rinses.
“Talk about what?”
Lexie and Briggs left with Gunner about an hour after eating. Little man fell asleep in my lap, and I think every muscle in my body will be sore tomorrow, the way I froze in place not wanting to wake him.
“Why do kids scare you, Beckett?” She hands me the last plate.
I take my time drying it, contemplating how I want to answer this, because I don’t want to lie to her, but I know the moment I tell her the truth, it will ruin us. She is a natural with children; it’s obvious she wants her own someday. As she should.
I place the plate in the cabinet with the others, slinging the towel over my shoulder and propping against the counter.
“Lacey, do you want kids someday?”
The question seems to catch her off guard, but she nods. “Yeah, someday. I would like the next generation to run this ranch.”
“Then whatever we have going on right now needs to stop.”
She looks at me, confused.
“Lacey, I don’t want children. That is why I had a vasectomy.”
She steps back. “Those can be reversed, you know.”
“I don’t want mine reversed.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want children. I never have and I never will. I will not bring a child into this world to deal with my demons like my parents made me deal with theirs.”
“Beckett,” she sighs. “You were a natural tonight with Gunner. How could you not see that?”
“I saw that the child terrified me!” I yell. “I don’t want children.”
“So, you’re just going to end this thing with us, whatever it is, because of the possibility of not giving me children someday. You are making this decision for me?”
“Yes.”
“Have you completely lost your mind?!!”
“I lost my mind a long time ago.” I throw the towel on the counter. “I will go back to the cottage tonight. From now on, we own this ranch together and that’s all.”
“Fine.” She whispers, crossing her arms and walking out of the kitchen.
I hear her bedroom door slam right before I shut the front door behind me.