Chapter 11. Harriet – The fallout
It had been three weeks since I’d last seen Blake.
Actually, that’s not true. He drove past all the time, but we didn’t speak, and I didn’t acknowledge his presence.
His mom called me last week after I failed to show up for dinner.
Blake must have told her everything because she was so upset and apologetic.
I told her she didn’t need to apologize.
She’d laughed through her tears and said “I birthed that idiot. I have a small degree of accountability.” We chatted about the pregnancy, and she offered to come and stay with me, but that felt weird.
I had Sean and Belle, and my boss Eliza had been amazing.
I’d given her a very vague outline of the past few months, and she’d patted my hand and offered to help in any way she could.
Jacqui had dropped off a few meals and offered Leo to help with any maintenance, but I knew he had a bad back, and Blake had been doing those things anyway. The whole interaction had been unsettling.
“Let me know if we can do anything. I remember being pregnant with Ben and I was an emotional, tired mess. Even with Leo around.”
“Thanks Jacqui. It’s just a bad patch. I’m not sure when Blake will be back but he’s still helping out.”
“Bad patch, huh? Well, you know I’m here,” she said determinedly.
“What do you know, Jacqui?” I asked. I wasn’t pussyfooting around with anyone lately. Jacqui was nice but I wasn’t keen for my business to be anyone else’s business.
“Rose told us what happened. And for what it’s worth, I don’t believe a word. And if it’s true, Blake is an asshole.”
“What did Rose tell you?”
“That she and Blake were in love but playing it cool until you two sorted out the house,” Jacqui said, looking disgusted.
“Honestly, with the time that man’s been hanging around and all the secondhand flowers you give me, I know that’s not true.
She’s a viper, that one. I told Leo to stay the hell away from her. ”
“Unless Blake is lying, she’s tried her best, but he’s not interested. I hate all of this. This gossip, this feeling of not knowing.”
“We’re not gossiping, I promise. If anything ever comes up with the other neighbors, I’ll shut it down. I’m sure this will all settle. Colin is a sick man, and he really should be in care at this point. You just need a fresh start.”
We left it there. I’m sure Blake would love a fresh start.
It reminded me of playing games with Sean when I was younger.
I’d make a mistake or kick the ball wrong, and say, “Make it that wasn’t in it,” and I’d ask for a redo.
Sean would humor me and let me do it, but we were children.
Grown adults don’t get that chance. You can’t move your checker back and make a different move; you can’t undo hurt and betrayal.
You could pretend, but it would always be there.
I knew I had to speak to him soon. I was approaching 30 weeks, which meant it could be just six or seven weeks before the baby was born.
I’d spoken to my midwife Cathy about everything, and she was so kind and understanding.
I wasn’t sure if I’d want Blake with me at the birth.
He was the father, but he also put me on edge.
I saw him and felt instantly uncomfortable and just plain sad.
Could I spend hours with him when I was at my most vulnerable?
Belle had agreed to be my partner if it came to that.
Sean had offered too, but I wasn’t convinced my brother would be the best person to support me during birth.
He struggled to deal with me when I was in pain.
I think it reminded him of our childhood.
Cathy told me that there was no rush to make a decision but urged me to think about things because leaving myself in limbo might just prolong my pain.
All I could think was that I wanted a separation.
I don’t want to think about divorce just yet.
Sometimes, I let myself fall into a pattern of thinking where I let myself wonder if I was overreacting.
I don’t think I was. It’s not like my reactions were designed to hurt or get back at Blake.
I just didn’t want to see him, so I didn’t.
But I did know we couldn’t keep on like this.
Me: We need to talk. Are you free tonight after dinner?
Blake: Yes, for sure. I’m free. I’ll come at 8?
Me: Okay.
Blake: Thank you, Haz. I’m really looking forward to seeing you.
Blake knocked on the door at 7:55 pm and I let him into the living room. He sat anxiously on the edge of the sofa. He’d given up on flowers but set a bag of groceries on the coffee table. Cookies, chocolate, and other goodies were flowing out of the top.
“I’m so glad you messaged, Haz. I’ve been doing so much thinking, and I want to tell you that I am sorry. I see now what I did, and I know how much I hurt you. I was thinking we could do some couples counseling or something?”
“No.” I said, but my tone wasn’t sharp.
He looked at me in surprise.
“I’m trying here, Haz. I’ll do anything.”
“Blake, I’m in my third trimester of pregnancy.
I’m working full time and living alone. I’m tired and emotional.
Why should I go through counseling when I’ve done nothing wrong?
What do I have to contribute other than having to go through all the horrible things you’ve made me feel and think?
You want me to cut myself open to help heal you, but honestly, I don’t even know that I want to save us, so why should I go through that, especially when I’m spread so thin right now? ”
A tear slid down his face.
“I want to save us, Haz. I’ll do counseling alone. All I ask is that I can be with you so we can work on it. I’ll come home and I’ll leave you alone except to help you with appointments and housework. We still have to do the nursery, I know you’ve been so excited about that.”
“The nursery is done,” I informed him.
He looked sad. So sad.
“How? Who helped you?” he asked.
“Sean. He came over and did most of the painting. Mick came and assembled all the furniture last week.”
“I wanted to do that with you, Haz. That was my job. I was looking forward—”
“No, you weren’t. You put me off at every opportunity. I’ve been planning this for months and you never even offered an opinion. The nursery is done, and I planned it all myself. This is my house, and if we don’t work, you can plan your own nursery at your place.”
He put his head in his hands. Was he crying?
“I fucked everything up. I know it. I just want a chance, Haz. Please. I’ll beg.
I’ll do anything you want. I’ve been doing a lot of reading.
I know my actions were cheating, but I didn’t know it at the time.
I don’t say that to excuse myself, only to assure you that at no point ever was I unhappy with you or seeking someone else.
I let myself be the helpful guy without stopping to think about what I was doing.
Rose meant nothing. She means nothing. At this point, I think she might be a little crazy and I’m sorry for letting her into our lives. ”
“I can’t think about all that. I’m trying to stay healthy, to relax as much as possible, and finish up at work. I have nothing to give you right now.”
“Please don’t say you’re not sure if you want to save us. We love each other, Haz. We’re worth saving. This baby is everything to both of us. I want to be there for both of you, to give you both a happy life. If I have to save us on my own, I will. Just give me a chance,” he begged.
“I don’t know, Blake. For now, you can come to my appointments.
You can talk to me about the baby, and we can plan things that need to be done before she arrives.
But I don’t want to talk about the future.
We can do that when the baby is born. Maybe you can come home and stay when the baby arrives, but just to help.
I can’t keep relying on Belle and Sean,” I finished.
He paused, thinking about his options.
“Okay, I’ll do all of that. But I think I should come back home. Even if it’s just a few weeks before the baby arrives. You’re going to find it harder to do things, and someone should be here in case you go into labor.”
That seemed reasonable.
“Fine. You can come home when I’m 36 weeks. But we’re not playing happy families. We are two adults expecting a child and we need to learn to coparent. We’ll revisit the arrangement when the baby is a bit older and I’ve physically healed.”
I know he wanted more, but he held himself back from saying anything and agreed to my terms. Well, at least I could stop doing the laundry now.