7 Stupid Perfection #2
She turned and gave Ross a strange look, and Ross looked over at Will as if to ask him for help. They had this kind of alien mind-meld; they never had to speak to know what the other was thinking. Will jumped in while I asked myself what exactly Ross was uncomfortable with.
“You should come over for dinner whenever you like,” Will said.
I chomped on my pizza and monitored every movement of Ross’s smile.
Placing her perfect hand on her perfect knee, Lana asked, “Sure…so…you guys don’t have anything to tell me? I mean, I’ve been talking the whole time.”
We know.
Will said there was nothing much new. I looked down at my plate. Ross said, “Same old, same old.”
“How sad,” Lana remarked. “But anyway, I’m having a welcome home party next week. You guys will come, right?”
Naya said, “I never miss a party,” Will said he was in, Ross said he was in, too. Sue, obviously, said nothing, and then it was my turn. “Sorry,” I said, “I can’t make it.”
“Why not?” Ross asked.
“Just because.”
He had probably seen the bitterness in my expression.
I didn’t care though. At least everybody was pretending not to notice.
I didn’t want to talk, but that was probably inconceivable to Lana, who smiled again , revealing her gleaming white teeth and said, “Well, if you change your mind, let me know. It’s gonna be at my sorority house.
The girls are so cool. They organized the whole thing for me.
And there’s an open bar, so you don’t even need to bring anything. ”
“I’m going to get soooo drunk,” Naya said.
Lana talked more about France, about the other countries in Europe she’d visited, about her perfect grades, about every other stupid thing in her perfect life.
And everybody listened like it was just the most fascinating tale they’d ever heard.
The most irritating thing of all was the way she kept looking over and asking me questions like she wanted me to be a part of the conversation, and then, just as I was about to answer, she’d start talking about something else.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I stood and announced that I was tired and was going to bed.
“But it’s only eleven!” Naya pleaded.
“Yeah,” I responded, “but I’ve got to get up early tomorrow.”
“It was a pleasure meeting you!” Lana called out in her singsongy voice.
“Same!” I said, thinking, Whatever, bitch.
Cursing wasn’t my thing, but as I shut the door behind me, I let out a long string of them into my pillow, including the C-word, which would have made my mother’s hair fall out.
I didn’t care; I was livid. The only thing that stopped my outburst was Ross coming in looking glum and confused.
He shut the door and asked, “Is everything OK? You seemed like you weren’t feeling good during dinner. ”
I sighed and shrugged. He could be so perceptive about some things and so blind to others.
But why should he have guessed what I was feeling anyway?
We were just friends . And it was borderline crazy to be jealous of someone because they had another friend.
I was embarrassed at how unfair I was being.
“I…uh… Nah, I just need to lie down a bit.”
I could tell he wasn’t buying it. He knew there was something more. He reached over and put his hands on top of mine. I hadn’t realized until then I’d been fidgeting. “Listen,” he said, “whatever it is, you don’t have to say. Just tell me you’re OK.”
I nodded, my face feeling hot, and said, “Ross, you’ve got a guest out there. You should go entertain her. I’m boring right now.”
“You’re not boring.”
I wanted to ask him then, Why do you always say that? but I just nodded. He told me to let him know if I needed anything, and I said OK. Once the door closed, I felt like I could breathe again, and I turned to grab my phone. I called my sister. I needed her advice. Right now.
I walked around the room frantically trying to get a few bars, in vain until I reached one small corner of the balcony. It was freezing, and I’d closed the door so no one could hear me, so even the heat from the apartment didn’t reach me. I dialed.
“Jenna,” Shannon greeted me right away.
“I’ve got a problem, Sis. And I can’t call Nelle because she’s completely ignored me since I left.”
“So I’m your plan B. Great,” she said.
“Shannon, this is important. I’ve got a problem. I’m…jealous. I think it’s really bad.”
She sighed and waited a moment before saying, “Jenna, jealousy’s not a bad thing as long as you understand where it’s coming from and you don’t cross certain lines.”
“Sure. But the thing I’m jealous about…I’m not sure if it’s right.”
I could almost see her smiling as she said, “Let me guess: It’s about the guy you’re staying with? Now this is getting interesting. So what is it exactly you’re jealous of?”
“It’s a girl. His ex, I think. She came over and she’s so perfect. You should see her. Her life’s so interesting. She was living in France! I feel stupid and boring and ugly next to her.”
“So why are you comparing yourself to her?”
“I can’t help it! And everybody else thinks she’s fascinating, too.”
“You don’t care about everyone else, though, do you?” She interrupted me. “The one you care about is dear old Ross.”
“We’re just friends, Shannon.”
“Sorry, Sis, but you don’t get jealous over just friends . So be honest, Jenna. Do you like him? It’s a simple yes-or-no question.”
Toying nervously with the cord of Ross’s sweatshirt, I responded, “Shannon, I have a boyfriend.”
She laughed so loud it scared me. “That isn’t an answer! Not a real one, anyway. But it does clarify some things.”
“I don’t like him!” I shouted.
“Bullshit. I mean, listen, Jenna, if you need to tell yourself you don’t like him, that’s fine, and I’m happy to play along. But in that case, you’re going to have to come up with a decent explanation for why you’d get jealous of a guy you don’t like who’s hanging out with his ex.”
“I don’t know… I don’t know what’s going on with me. And then there’s this issue with Monty. Like, he said we could have an open relationship, but let’s say I did like Ross and let’s say I was jealous of him. Isn’t that bad, somehow?”
“Trust me, I’m not defending Monty, but if you’re worried about it, you should probably stay away from Ross,” Shannon said.
“That’s going to be a little hard. We sleep in the same bed. Not sexually or anything. But…another thing is, uh…” I was nervous, but I decided I might as well let it out. “I’ve been having sex dreams about him like every single night.”
I felt almost feverish. I could tell when I touched my face. I couldn’t believe I was confessing this to another person, even if that person was Shannon. For a moment, she didn’t say anything, and I worried our connection had gone dead, but then she spoke up, “So…how was he?”
“Shannon! Do you honestly think that’s what matters right now?”
“Was he better than your boyfriend!”
“Focus!”
“Oh my God, he was!” She started laughing.
“I love this, this is soap-opera-level drama. Seriously, though, I don’t know what to tell you.
Maybe you should back off? Try to focus more on the friendship thing?
Since you supposedly are just friends. And if it really starts to drive you crazy, tell your dumbass boyfriend to come up and distract you.
I mean, it’s not like he’s good for much else.
You know what I really think, though: I think this is driving you crazy because it reminds you of what happened with… ”
My stomach turned, and I said sternly, “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
“Jenna, it’s been months. Maybe if you did let it out instead of keeping it all to yourself…”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Fine. I know how you get when the subject comes up. I’m just trying to tell you not to freak out right now. I don’t want to have to come pick you up.”
“You’re not going to have to come pick me up, Shannon. I’ll be fine.”
“If you’re not, don’t hesitate to call me, I’m always here for you. Besides, I like your gossip. It keeps me entertained.”
“Thanks, Shannon. And thanks for the advice. Bye.”
I hung up and walked back inside. I could still hear the laughter coming from the living room.
I took off my glasses, but couldn’t sleep.
Eventually, I could make out Naya and Lana telling each other goodbye.
Not long afterward, Ross came in and put on his pajamas.
I had my back turned and closed my eyes. I wasn’t in the mood for talking.
A few seconds later, he got in bed and asked me in a whisper if I was asleep. I didn’t answer. He sighed, but didn’t say anything else. I heard him turning, trying to get comfortable, and I wanted to cry for some reason.
After a while, I opened my eyes and saw he was still awake and rubbing his eyes. He must have known I was looking at him, because he turned almost instantly.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi… I thought you were asleep.”
“I just woke up. How was the rest of the night?”
“Good,” he murmured, seeming slightly confused that I had asked. “Are you feeling any better?”
I nodded and then came out with what I wanted to know: “Did you miss her? Lana, I mean?”
“Honestly? I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her. I got used to being without her. What about you, though?” Finally he smiled again. “Are you sure you’re better?”
“I said I was, right?”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“I guess,” I said, trying to come up with an excuse, “I miss my family a little.”
That was true. And it felt even truer when I said it aloud. I thought of Mom and the fight we’d had when I left. Maybe she wasn’t as hysterical as I thought. A few months really was a lot more time than it seemed. He reached over and pushed my hair out of my face.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” he murmured, and his sincerity almost threw me off.