7 Stupid Perfection #3
“It’s OK. I mean, I’ll see them again at Christmas. My mom and I made a deal. Because she didn’t really want me to even go to school, you know? So I got her to agree to a semester. I’d come here for the fall, and then we could reevaluate.”
“That’s fine for your mom, but how do you feel?”
I didn’t realize till then that his hand was still there, that he was stroking my cheek, running his thumb down my jawline.
We barely knew each other, but the gesture was as natural as if he’d made it a thousand times.
I held my breath. I don’t think even he realized how unusual it was, that spontaneous feeling of being together.
It was something I’d never known before, with Monty least of all.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I never really thought about it.”
“But Jen, you’re the one who matters here. Not your mom, not anyone else.”
“If I go back, though… You guys won’t forget me, right? You and Naya and Will, y’all will stay in touch, won’t you?”
“For sure,” he said.
But then I thought of Nelle, who had promised me the same thing and had ghosted me.
He continued, “Besides, there’s no need to miss your family.
You’ve got a family here. We may be smaller, we may be weird, we may be a little dysfunctional, but you’ve got to take it where you can get it, right?
And one thing I can promise you is that we do take care of each other. ”
He smiled at me, but I wasn’t able to smile back at him. I was feeling something, a tingle in my fingers, that made me want to reach out and touch him, and I pulled myself close and wrapped an arm around his waist, resting my chin on his chest. He was very still. I could feel his halting breath.
“Jen, what are you…?”
“Do you mind if we sleep like this?”
I don’t know how I managed to ask him that. I was never that forward. A silence followed my request. It was terrible, frightening. I closed my eyes, expecting the worst. But then he embraced me, too, got comfortable, and murmured, “No. Of course I don’t mind.”
Now I could breathe easy. One of my legs wove between his.
I could feel his breath in my hair and his heartbeat against my cheek.
His body was warm; my bare legs could feel the heat radiating from his sweatpants.
Our skin wasn’t touching, but it might as well have been.
It was strange, but it was lovely, and I got gooseflesh when his hand moved up to my ribs and he caressed me distractedly with his thumb.
I was a little embarrassed; I didn’t know if he’d noticed how powerfully I reacted.
“Good night, Ross,” I said, not wanting to talk again until the next morning. My vocal cords needed a rest. He told me good night, too. I could feel his lips against my hair.
I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the regular beating of his heart and hoped it would lull my own, which was still pulsating wildly.
And finally—I don’t know how—I managed to fall asleep.
The next morning I put on some rock music, turned it up loud, and ran longer than usual.
I was trying to cool myself down after waking up to find Ross’s body and mine intertwined.
I had told Shannon I just wanted to be his friend, and that had lasted less than half an hour.
It was a disaster. It couldn’t go on like this.
To get a little extra cardio in, I ran up the steps of the building, then stopped, closed my eyes, and tried to catch my breath.
Once I was somewhat confident I could pretend nothing had happened the night before—I mean, nothing had, right?
—I opened the door and looked around inside.
Sue was the only one awake. She was drinking a beer and eating peanut butter off a spoon.
It was disgusting, but I tried to be friendly as I said, “I thought you usually had ice cream for breakfast.”
“We’re out,” she replied as I poured myself a glass of water and drank. I could tell she was watching me. Finally she said something:
“You didn’t like her, did you?”
“What?”
“That moron who came over last night. Lana. I can’t stand her.”
She was smiling—cruelly, but still, at least it was a smile.
“Honestly, I wasn’t crazy about her,” I admitted once I saw there was no one else there.
“People who act like they’re all perfect are the absolute worst. And everyone else swallows it up and treats her like she’s so special. Her coming over here has always been torture.”
“For real,” I said. “That dinner was the most boring thing I’ve ever done.”
Sue looked at me sidelong and grinned. “You know what? You might not be so bad after all.”
I wasn’t sure how to take that, but I didn’t have to worry about it for long, because she got up and walked to the sofa to finish her, um, “breakfast” on her own.
I decided to take a shower. When I came out of the bathroom a little later wrapped in a towel, I found Ross in the hallway yawning.
He gave me a once-over, and I tried to suppress my urge to take off running as I pulled up the towel to hide my cleavage and felt my palms starting to sweat.
“Good morning,” he said. “The towel looks good on you. But if you feel like taking it off, be my guest.”
We’re just friends.
WE’RE JUST FRIENDS.
I couldn’t force a smile, I was so nervous, so I just replied, “Good morning,” and hurried past him. I could sense him turning around and watching me from behind, but I shut the door before the conversation could go any further.
I dressed and went to class, and fortunately, I didn’t encounter any of my roommates on my way out.
It was a long, boring day. I spent two hours in the library working on a group project.
Half the group didn’t show, and the other half was going insane trying to make sure everything was perfect.
Plus I kept thinking about Ross. About the way he had looked at me that morning.
And that made me so tense that by the end of the day I was exhausted.
On my way home, I found Mike smoking a cigarette and staring at the girls on campus, smiling at them and complimenting them and failing to get their attention. When he saw me, he said, “Look who it is! Funny how we keep running into each other. It’s almost like it was destiny.”
“Yeah, destiny,” I said blandly.
“What’s wrong, Jenna? Are you sad?” he said, putting on a fake frown.
“I’m tired,” I corrected him.
“My brother’s not taking good care of you?”
“Your brother treats me wonderfully. I’m actually headed to his place now. Probably you heard I’m going to be staying there awhile.”
“I guess that means Lana’s out?”
“I guess Lana’s out,” I said.
He laughed and made a clawing gesture before remarking, “I take it you didn’t fall in love with her?”
“You could say that. So she used to live there?”
“Yeah, for a while. Then they broke up and she joined that sorority on the other side of campus.” That made me feel worse, like I was taking someone else’s place.
I remembered how touchy-feely she’d been with Ross when she arrived.
And the way Ross had held me the night before.
Were they the same thing, or had last night meant something more?
Had he liked touching her more than he’d liked touching me?
They’d been together a long time. Comparatively, he and I barely knew each other. And that saddened me.
Mike continued, “I wouldn’t worry about it, though. I always thought she was lame. I like you better. And I think my brother does, too.”
A new doubt arose. “You don’t think he invited me to stay with him just to replace her?”
“I wouldn’t say that,” he replied. “I mean, I don’t really know the whole story of their breakup, what happened when she was in France or all that.
And it’s not like my brother and I talk about these things.
You might have noticed he’s not what you’d call wild about me.
But anyway, I wouldn’t sweat it. Now if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got duties to attend to. ”
Just then, he turned toward a girl who had smiled at him and walked after her. I clenched my fists in frustration. My thoughts were driving me insane. I didn’t know if the night before had meant too much or nothing at all. I wanted to cry, and I wasn’t even sure why.
I got home and didn’t need to even open the door to know that Lana was there.
I found her standing in the middle of the living room in a slinky beige dress doing an impression that everyone was laughing at.
They were having dinner. And no one had texted me.
I felt like a complete idiot. Like someone who’d just been filling a hole until she got back.
Everyone was in love with her. They had missed her. And now they didn’t need me.
Will might have been an exception. Something about her seemed to grate on him.
But he was obviously happy to see Naya enjoying herself, so I figured I couldn’t count on him as an ally.
Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to move in there.
I barely knew my way around the place, and already I was starting to regret it.
“Hey, Jenna,” Sue said, bringing me back to reality.
“Hey,” I said, my voice a mere thread.
“We saved you something,” Naya said, but to hell with that. I wasn’t going to stay there with her around. No way. I threw my book bag to the floor with a thud and said, “Actually, I just wanted to drop off my things. I’ve got somewhere to be.”
Will glanced at Ross, who looked down at the floor and told me, “Come on, stick around!”
“No can do,” I replied. “Gotta go.” I didn’t give them time to change my mind.
Out in the hall, I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes.
I was an idiot. I had jumped into something, and now I had nowhere to go.
My stomach was growling, but I’d have chosen starvation over sitting there listening to more of Lana’s bullshit.
Before I could hit the elevator button, Ross’s grandmother opened her door and smiled, almost as if she’d been waiting on me.