25 Never Have I Ever #2
Sue looked at me cruelly and said, “Never have I ever had a sex dream in the last three months with the person sitting to my left.”
All eyes were on Jack now, and he seemed amused and expectant, waiting to see if I would drink. I looked down into my glass, gathered my courage, and took a drink. Jack looked more surprised than anyone.
“Can we ask what happened in the dream?” Mike asked.
“No!” I was trying to calm down. My face was on fire. “I don’t even remember.”
“I’ll bet you do,” Jack said, laughing.
“Can we drop it?” I shouted.
The jokes and laughter rose up and subsided, and finally Lana said, “You’re up, Ross.”
He thought about it for a moment and said, “Never have I ever had a sex dream with Jack Ross while I was going out with someone else. And never did I love it.”
“Dammit! We said we were going to drop it!”
“Come on, now, Jenna, you have to respond,” Will said, looking at Jack and grinning.
“I hate you guys,” I announced. As I took another drink, Jack pulled me toward him and kissed me on the cheeks. I nearly choked and shouted, “Careful.”
“So you wanted me as bad as I wanted you, huh?” he asked.
“Jack, dammit,” I protested again. I wriggled away from him and asked Chris, “Can you save me, please?”
“Sure,” he said, and seemed to be thinking before calling out: “Never have I ever sent a naked or half-naked photo to someone.”
Oh for heaven’s sake. Jack naturally was splitting his sides by this point.
We kept the game going for a while, until all of us were good and drunk.
I had tried to restrain myself, but even I’d drunk two whole beers, which was more than enough for me, and I was getting drowsy, leaning my head on the sofa.
The only one who was sober was Jack. He had been drinking water the whole time, much to the irritation of his brother, who wouldn’t stop making fun of him for it.
But with every joke and jibe, Jack just smiled.
I tried not to think about what Lana and Naya had told me about Jack’s former problems as we decided to have one more go-round before we fell asleep on the spot.
“I’ll start,” Naya said. “Never have I ever had sex in a public place.”
I don’t know about the others, but I certainly saw Jack take a drink. I raised an eyebrow and he smiled at me like a perfect little angel.
Lana: “Never have I ever had sex with someone without knowing their name.”
Jack drank.
Sue: “I’ve never had a three-way.”
Jack drank.
Sue: “Four-way?”
Jack drank.
Mike: “Five-way?”
Now he didn’t drink. But as he refilled his glass, he tried his best not to look at me.
“Never have I ever filmed myself having sex,” Mike said.
It was clear at this point that no one cared what anyone else had done.
They all just wanted to see how far Jack had gone.
Me, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to picture those things in my mind, but I didn’t want to get left in the dark, either. Jack grinned, embarrassed, and drank.
Sue: “Never have I ever had sex with two people in the same day.”
Everyone watched Jack take a drink as Sue continued, “Three? Four?” Thankfully, Jack left his glass on the table for that.
Chris: “Never have I ever had sex with someone and then thrown them out.”
Jack drank.
Sue told me it was my turn, and I replied that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep playing.
Jack remarked that it was getting late, but Naya told him to stay where he was.
I tried to pretend I didn’t care about all I’d just heard, but I’m sure he could read my feelings on my face, and he sighed with frustration.
Now they started in on how many people he’d slept with.
The number rose from five to ten to fifteen.
Jack kept drinking, reluctantly, and asked if we really had to keep playing.
Could this really be happening? Could my boyfriend really have slept with more than fifteen people?
Wasn’t I supposed to know these things? I remembered how we’d argued about his refusal to tell me about his past. How he was upset when he learned that Lana and Naya had spoken of it to me.
Was he ever planning on being honest with me?
A part of me knew the answer. And I didn’t like it at all.
And I especially didn’t like that he didn’t trust me.
And on and on it went. Never have I ever slept with someone I knew had a partner.
Never have I ever gotten in a fight. Never have I ever gotten in five fights.
Never have I ever broken someone’s bones.
And Jack drank and drank. He drank so much I couldn’t imagine how he kept from peeing himself, and every time he lifted his glass, it was like a dagger was being stuck in me.
Not this time, not this time , I kept praying, and with every question, my prayers were frustrated.
Who was Jack? How could I have gone out with him all that time without having any idea who he was?
And where was he? Where was the gentle, tender guy who liked comic books and movies? The one who wouldn’t hurt a fly?
“Never have I ever provoked someone just to have an excuse for a fight,” I said.
“Jen…” Jack began.
“We’re still playing,” Sue reminded him. Angrily, he took a sip.
“Honestly, I can’t believe…” he began, but I cut him off. “Never have I ever beaten someone so bad they had to go to the hospital.”
He closed his eyes. Then he looked at Will, who was obviously deeply uncomfortable, and took a drink.
“Two people?” I asked. He didn’t drink. I was watching him like a hawk.
Reality had slapped me in the face. He stared back at me, looking like he was being tortured.
And I wanted to tell him everything was OK, that all that was in the past and didn’t matter to me.
But it wasn’t true. I had a knot in my throat.
“Jen…” he began, asking me with his eyes to forget everything.
Will made me turn back as he uttered the words, “Never have I ever been in love.”
Naya and he drank. We all knew their answer, but I also knew he had asked that question for us, for Jack and me.
I turned to him, feeling a throbbing in my temples, squeezing the beer in my hand, staring into his pupils.
I was frozen—I could barely even think. He brought his glass to his lips and took a bigger sip than he had all night.
And then everyone’s attention focused on me.
I understood then why Jack hadn’t wanted to tell me about his past. He hadn’t wanted to frighten me. And he had, but it wasn’t because of all that he’d done… It was because I thought I knew him better. And I deserved to, because he knew everything about me.
I felt a dryness in my throat as I saw sadness overtake his stare, darkening it with every second that passed.
He wanted me to drink. Everyone did, everyone expected it, but there was something else happening inside me.
This wasn’t a game anymore, this was something that was happening between Jack and me.
The entire world was moving in slow motion.
Was saying I’d been in love the same as saying I love you ? It wasn’t, right? Because I wasn’t ready to say I love you . Just the thought of it was terrifying. It was stifling. It would take things to a place I wasn’t ready for. And I didn’t know if I’d ever be there.
And yet…my own arm started moving against my will, my body telling my mind what it needed. Jack’s eyes opened wide as I brought the beer to my lips and took a sip.
Silence.
The silence was horrible.
He watched me drink. I swallowed. It was done. And even if I wasn’t ready to admit it, I knew this was the truth: I did love him, even if I wasn’t ready to admit it. Even if this wasn’t the moment.
What felt like ages passed, and Jack blinked and looked away. I didn’t understand. Was that it? Had all that tension, all that inner struggle happened just so he could stare down into his glass?
I passed the time that followed in a trance, and I hardly realized what was happening when Chris asked if he could sleep here because he was a little drunk.
Lana hugged me goodbye. I couldn’t really focus on her, though.
All I could think of was Jack, who had escaped to his bedroom when the game was over.
I caught Will glancing back in that direction.
When he looked up at me, he smiled gently.
My heart was pounding as I went back there to find Jack sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. I closed the door and approached cautiously. He ignored me completely.
I didn’t understand. Hadn’t he taken a drink, too? Didn’t that mean he loved me? Did he regret it? I was shaking all over. No, please, no. Don’t let him regret it . The mere thought made the world collapse around me.
“I’m not going,” he announced.
I had been thinking he might tell me to leave, that it was pointless, that what we had was over. So what was this?
“I’m not going to France,” he said, looking me straight in the eyes. “I don’t want to be so far away from you.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I love you.”
My pulse began racing as I tried to process those words. But I still hadn’t as he stood and held my face to kiss me intensely.
So intensely that I forgot I hadn’t said I love you back.