16. RIGHT PERSON, WRONG TIME
RIGHT PERSON, WRONG TIME
I’m not sure how long we’ve been lying here staring up at the night sky, the waves crashing loudly in the background.
It could’ve been minutes or hours by now, but it doesn’t really matter to me.
With his body tucked against mine, head on my shoulder, my hand in his, resting on his chest, everything is perfect in my world.
Kenneth’s heart beats steadily under my hand, breaths deep and calm too.
I don’t know how he does it. Just being around him makes me nervous in a way I can’t explain.
It’s not logical. He’s not doing anything specific to make me feel this way, other than existing.
But the lack of logic to it doesn’t stop my breathing from getting faster, doesn’t stop my heart from pounding even harder and louder in my ears at his proximity.
And when he turns his head and looks into my eyes like he’s doing now?
I swear I’m about to go into cardiac arrest.
His eyes drop to my lips for a beat, then return to my eyes.
I want to kiss him so badly. To feel his lips against mine.
I’m desperate for it. So I lean in, pressing my lips to his softly.
It’s a chaste kiss by all accounts, and it lasts only a few seconds, but it revives me all over again.
This—exactly this—is what I need. To love him, and god, do I ever.
I just think if I said the words, I would scare the shit out of him.
He’s still flighty, even though I can’t deny he has improved.
Still, I can never be too careful. I’m waiting for him to make the first move when it comes to the big declarations.
Looking back at the sky, I find my favorite constellation and point at it. Ken’s eyes follow my finger, and he frowns until I start connecting the stars with my pointer finger. “Do you know which one that is?”
“Should I?” he asks with amusement. “I’m not sure I’ve ever paid attention to the stars before.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” I say affectionately. “You’ll pay attention now.”
“So what constellation is it then?”
I connect the stars with my finger again, tracing the sky, then look at Kenneth. “It’s Orion’s belt.” His eyes narrow, and he looks like he’s thinking hard. “Artemis and Orion? Ring a bell?”
“Uhhhh…” He shakes his head.
“It’s a love story,” I reply softly, letting my hand fall to my side. “Greek mythology.”
“Wait—” Ken’s eyes widen. “Isn’t that like a tragedy or something?”
I snort. “Aren’t most love stories?”
Ken looks thoughtful again. “I hope ours isn’t.”
Butterflies invade my stomach, and I lie down on my side to look at him better. He follows my lead, lying on his side with the towel under his face and staring at me again. “Do you know the story?”
“Not really.”
“You’re right—it is pretty tragic.” I sigh, then lift my hand and run my fingers through Kenneth’s hair. We’re definitely going to have sand in unholy places after we leave here. “But it’s also beautiful.”
“How is tragedy beautiful?”
“Because even through the darkness, their love shines.” I smile and close my eyes. “Artemis and Orion were in love, but Apollo, her brother, was jealous of it. He became spiteful and tricked Artemis into shooting a tiny target in the ocean. Turns out, that target was Orion’s head as he swam.”
Kenneth whispers, “Fuck, that is pretty tragic.”
“Artemis was destroyed. She was so sad that she made that mistake, and loved him so deeply that she placed Orion’s body in the sky as a constellation.”
He stays silent, and when I open my eyes, he’s frowning.
“I like to believe we live in the stars after we die,” I whisper, and realize it’s probably one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever shared.
Probably because I’m afraid he’ll make fun of me.
“That people will look at the sky and search for me when I’m gone.
That someone will still love me when I’m not here anymore. ”
Kenneth stares at me.
“I know you probably think that’s silly—” I shake my head. “I just—”
“That’s not silly, baby,” Kenneth says softly, bringing his hand up to my face to trace my jaw with soft fingertips. I shudder and lean into his touch. “That’s beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.”
I stare at him, unsure of what to say. He looks like he wants to say something else, so I stay quiet.
“It feels like I’m drunk, Conrad,” Kenneth whispers. “Drunk on you. On us. I don’t ever want this feeling to go away.”
I suck in a sharp breath. “I think I love you.”
Kenneth’s eyes widen at my words, and I see the panic in his eyes, then on his face.
My breath catches in my throat at the realization of what I’ve just said.
I know I’ve fucked up when he pulls away and breathes hard, lying on his back now.
Before I can try to fix it, he sits up and stares at his hands.
“We should go,” he whispers, voice trembling. “I’m tired, and it’s getting late.”
I swallow hard, over and over, trying to keep bile down.
I fucked up big time, and I’m not even sure how to fix it.
He’s freaking the fuck out. I can see it plain as day.
My plan was to wait for him for the big declarations, so what the fuck made me open my big mouth?
I didn’t even think, just blurted it out.
It feels like I’ve been holding on to this secret for ages.
I thought I’d be relieved to finally let it out.
Instead, I’ve never been more terrified.
I clearly made a mistake. I knew he’d freak out, and I shouldn’t have done it. Can I even blame him for his reaction? The same reaction I knew he’d have? I knew he wasn’t ready. He’s not fucking ready.
Fuck.
It doesn’t hurt any less to know he might not feel it, too, though.
“I’m sorry,” I say, voice trembling. “I shouldn’t have said that. I—”
Kenneth’s bottom lip trembles, and he shakes his head once. So I shut up, and then I get up and offer my hand to him.
He doesn’t take it.
Kenneth gets up slowly, grabbing the towel and shaking the sand out of it.
He folds it neatly and stuffs it back into our beach bag, which I silently take from him.
I hand him his shoes from the sand and grab my own, and we both walk barefoot toward the entrance.
Once we reach a sidewalk, we slide our sandals back on.
The hotel is within walking distance of the beach, so we didn’t bring the car.
We make our way back in silence, and while I want to say something, anything, to fix this, I stay quiet instead.
He doesn’t look at me once, just stares straight ahead, while I steal glances at him every few seconds.
I’ve never felt this helpless, and quite frankly, this fucking confused.
For some stupid reason, I thought he’d say it back when I finally confessed how I’ve been feeling.
I thought he felt the same. The fact that he doesn’t hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced.
It feels like he took a knife to my heart and stabbed it right in the middle.
As we get closer to the hotel, I try to convince myself that maybe this is moving too fast for him.
Yeah, that has to be it. We’ve only been together for two months, and maybe he doesn’t feel it back yet.
But that doesn’t mean he never will. I’m not sure if that thought hurts more or makes me feel relieved.
By the pain in my chest, I’m going to say it hurts way more.
Because he doesn’t love me. And now he’s so scared that I said it, he’s probably going to break up with me and never ever love me at all.
Fuck.
I fucked this all the way up.
The silence is deafening as we enter our hotel room, and Kenneth goes straight to the bathroom and locks the door, shutting me out.
I drop the beach bag in the closet, then strip down to my underwear and wait for Ken to be done taking a shower.
He comes out with a towel wrapped around his waist, still not looking at me.
Deciding to give him some space, I don’t say anything and go into the bathroom to clean myself up, too.
I was right earlier. I have sand in unholy places, and it takes longer than I thought it would to clean it all out.
I stand under the spray of the water after I’m done, though, too scared to go back to him.
I feel the tears sting my eyes, and even though I take a deep breath to try to stop them, they still fall down my cheeks, mixing with the water spraying down on me.
I bite my lip to keep quiet, silently sniffling as I think about how to act now.
I could ignore the huge elephant in the room and try to talk to him as if this never happened—but he doesn’t seem to want to talk to me in the first place.
Or I could just give him some space and go to sleep.
Wait for him to talk to me. I wonder if he’ll keep me waiting for the rest of my life now.
Shutting off the water, I grab my towel and dry myself thoroughly before going back into the room.
The lamp is on by what is clearly now my side of the bed, and Kenneth is facing away, his back to me.
He’s not moving, but I highly doubt that he’s sleeping.
His body is stiff, and even though I can’t hear his heart beating, I wonder if it sounds like thunder in his ears the way mine does right now.
I wonder if he feels like someone tore his heart out, too.
Once I put my boxer briefs on, I sit on the edge of the bed and stare into nothing for a while.
I hear him move, rustling the sheets, but don’t look at him.
Instead, I reach for the lamp and turn off the light.
It takes me another minute to lie down, and I make sure to stay as far away as possible from him, so I’m basically on the edge of the mattress.
My mind won’t stop spinning, and it’s louder than ever.
I think about apologizing for a stupid fucking second, then decide against it.
What would I even say? I’m sorry for falling in love with you?
“Are you scared?” I finally whisper, and I feel him stiffen even more, even though I’m on the opposite side of the bed. “Or just done?”
Kenneth breathes in sharply, but doesn’t say anything at all.
No fucking reply.
Just an endless silence I can’t take anymore.
The tears fall hot and quick down my face, trailing over the bridge of my nose and soaking into the pillow. I can’t breathe worth a shit, so I’m sure he knows I’m crying, but I can’t really bring myself to care anymore. I hope he hears me. How pathetic I am. Because now that we’re done—
The bed dips with his shifting weight, and suddenly, a strong arm wraps around my waist and tugs me back. His warm chest presses against my back, and my heart begins to pound.
“I’m sorry, Conrad. I-I freaked out. I’m so fucking scared. I wasn’t ready yet…” Kenneth whispers, and my chest burns from the lack of oxygen in my lungs. “You surprised me, and it scared me. I didn’t know what to do. I—please forgive me.”
I nod.
But still, I can’t help but notice he didn’t say the only thing I really wanted to hear.
He didn’t tell me he loved me back.
Just said he’s sorry.
I close my eyes tightly and try to calm my breathing, trying my best to relax my body. Trying my damn hardest to stop being so fucking weak. After a while, Kenneth falls asleep with his nose buried in the hair at the back of my head. But I’m not that lucky.
No.
Sleep never comes for me.