17. AN ORDINARY KIND OF HEARTBREAK
AN ORDINARY KIND OF HEARTbrEAK
It’s been ten days since I told Kenneth I’m in love with him, and we’ve come to some sort of unspoken agreement to never bring it back up.
It’s all so very confusing, because he still wants to spend all his time with me, and I don’t know how it makes me feel anymore or what it all means.
All I do know is that I can’t seem to move on from him not saying it back.
His explanation should’ve been enough to calm me down, but all it’s brought me instead is more pain.
More stress. More worries. Because what if he never loves me?
I know I’m being crazy. Unreasonable. Insane.
I can’t seem to stop.
Why can’t I stop?
I’ve been sitting in the living room staring at nothing for hours now.
Since three in the morning. I love watching the sunrise from my floor-to-ceiling windows, but even that didn’t happen today.
I’ve been too busy wallowing in fucking self-pity.
I think I have to break things off with Kenneth.
I’m not strong enough to keep doing this.
Knowing he doesn’t love me is too much for me to handle, especially because it’s all I’ve wanted from the beginning.
All I’ve ever wanted is to love him and be loved by him.
One of those things is true now, and I can’t do this anymore. I can’t—
“Conrad?” Kenneth questions softly. “Are you okay?”
I snap out of my trance, lifting my eyes to his and nodding slowly. I don’t trust my voice not to betray me, so I don’t speak. But still, even though I haven’t said the words, it’s probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told, and I know he can tell.
“What are you doing out here?” He’s frowning now, and I look away.
I clear my throat. “Watching the sunrise.”
“That was three hours ago.”
“Didn’t feel like going back to bed,” I reply, refusing to make eye contact so I don’t do something pathetic like burst into tears. I clear my throat again. “I have to get dressed. I need to go to the office today.”
“On a Sunday?” he asks, sounding perplexed.
“Yep.” I sigh, getting up from the couch. He blocks me. “I do that sometimes.”
“You can’t just go tomorrow?” His frown is so deep there’s a crease between his eyebrows. “I kind of had a surprise for you today.”
Say no.
Fuck.
Say no.
“Sorry.” I shake my head, looking away again. “I have things to do.”
“Conrad—” Kenneth calls after me as I walk away, headed toward my bedroom. I open the closet door and disappear into it, looking for a suit. “Please, I—”
“Sorry, Ken,” I mutter.
“Wait!” He hurries after me as I make my way to the bathroom. “We can talk about this. What can I do to fix it?”
“Nothing.” I sigh. “There’s nothing you can do.”
“There has to be something,” he whispers. “I can’t lose you. I—” He shakes his head, tears in his eyes, and for a moment I’m hopeful that he’ll finally say the words I’ve been wanting to hear. “I don’t want to lose you.”
My hopes are crushed again, and I chuckle humorlessly.
“You haven’t been the same since…” Kenneth takes a deep breath. “Since that night at the beach, and I—”
“No shit, Kenneth,” I snap, and he flinches. I know he hates it when I call him that, but it’s hard to have sympathy when I’m hurting this badly. “I don’t want any more of your apologies. I think I just need some space.”
Ken shakes his head. “No,” he says through gritted teeth. “I’m not giving you space. I won’t let you break up with me!”
I shake my head now, too, then enter the bathroom and shut the door in his face.
I know how ridiculous and unfair I’m being.
But even though I know it, I can’t help how I feel.
And I can’t seem to stop acting this way, no matter how much I tell myself to give him time to say it back. Maybe that’s all he needs. Time.
So why the fuck can’t I give it to him?
Why does this make me feel so goddamn broken?
“Conrad!” he yells, smacking the door once. He’s crying now, and I rest my forehead against the door and try to catch my breath. It’s coming so fast it hurts my chest, and for a brief moment, I remember the panic attack I had at the Harborwalk. “Please, baby, please.”
My hands shake as they hang limply by my sides.
“Just come with me, please,” Kenneth whispers. “I’ll leave you alone after that if that’s what you want.”
I sniffle, trying to fight back the tears that keep trying to break free.
But I manage to compose myself and open the door, causing Kenneth to stumble forward.
He grips my shoulders as he tries to catch his balance, and my body tightens with this uncontrollable need to feel him close again. I want him so badly it hurts.
“Okay,” I breathe, and Ken looks into my eyes. “I’ll come with you.”
Kenneth doesn’t look relieved. He doesn’t look like he’s happy either.
He just nods and takes a step back, letting me pass him by so I can grab some jeans and a T-shirt.
Once we’re both dressed, we silently exit my building and get in an Uber, the car driving us to a destination seven minutes away from my penthouse.
Which happens to be a different apartment building.
I frown, thoroughly confused, and look at Ken.
But he’s not looking at me as he opens the car door and steps out, expecting me to follow.
We walk through the lobby of a high-rise, take an elevator to the eleventh floor, and step out into a hallway with doors on both sides.
It looks endless, but we finally reach the door he’s seeking about halfway through.
He inserts a key into the lock of the door, and I frown.
Does he own two apartments? I’m confused, but I also refuse to ask questions.
We haven’t said one word to each other since leaving my penthouse, and I don’t plan on breaking the silence first. He’s going to have to tell me what the hell is going on eventually.
He pushes the door open and steps in, holding it for me and staring at me as he does.
I’m not sure why I’m hesitating, but I don’t make a move to enter right away.
Somehow, this feels like a big deal, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I think that.
After a minute of debating, I nod once and head inside. He closes the door.
The first thing that assaults my senses is the smell.
It’s a mix of antiseptic and vanilla that overpowers me.
I scrunch my nose and look around in confusion, but we’re just in yet another hallway.
The head of a younger woman peeks into the hallway, and she grins widely, her face lighting up. What the hell is happening?
“Mr. Kenneth.” She smiles and walks toward us. “I didn’t know you were coming, or I would’ve made lunch for you.”
“It’s okay, Rachel,” Kenneth says with a smile of his own, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. It looks pained. She must notice because she frowns. “This is Conrad. My, um, my boyfriend.”
Kenneth casts a glance at me, grabbing my hand, and I can’t help but notice he’s trembling. He’s nervous. Why is he so nervous?
“Nice to meet you,” I smile at her, and her eyes widen.
“Nice to meet you too!” Rachel’s voice rises about two decibels, and she clears her throat. Then she looks at Kenneth. “She’s not expecting you, but I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you.”
“How is she doing?” he asks in a lower voice, as if he doesn’t want anyone to hear. “Is she in pain?”
“Yes.” Rachel nods, and it’s now that I notice she’s wearing navy-blue scrubs. I frown, trying to understand where the hell I am and who we’re seeing. “But I just gave her some pain medication about thirty minutes ago. It probably kicked in by now.”
Ken nods, then grabs my hand tightly and walks toward the end of the hallway, tugging me after him.
When we finally make it through, I stop short at the sight in front of me, and Kenneth lets go of my hand and walks toward the center of the room, where a woman lies in a hospital bed.
It seems the living room has been transformed into a makeshift hospital room.
There’s the bed, the IV pumps, and the bedside table that rolls toward the bed so the patient can eat.
It reminds me of when my dad was in the hospital.
And then it dawns on me—where we are. My eyes widen and lock on Ken’s, and he looks away.
This is his mom.
I walk closer, not wanting to be rude, but she hasn’t seen me yet.
She’s looking at Kenneth adoringly, eyes full of love and a soft smile on her face.
He smiles down at her too, brushing his knuckles across her cheekbone, then running a hand over her bald head.
The resemblance between them is uncanny.
He has her blue eyes, though hers are rounder than his.
Other than that, even their lips are the same.
It’s a bit alarming how they could almost be twins.
Ken’s mom takes a deep breath, adjusting her nasal cannula, then follows Kenneth’s gaze toward me.
Her eyes widen comically, and she looks at him again.
He clears his throat and looks at her with a soft smile, and something inside of me melts when he offers his hand to me.
I get closer until I’m standing beside him, taking his hand in mine and squeezing once, though I’m not sure what I’m actually trying to tell him with that gesture.
“Mom,” Kenneth clears his throat, “this is Conrad.”
Kenneth’s mom looks at me with wide eyes and her lips in a small O. It makes me frown because I don’t understand why she’s reacting this way.
“H-have we met before, Conrad?” she asks, voice shaky. “Do I know you?”
My frown deepens, and I shake my head. I look at Kenneth, and he’s staring at his mom with confusion as well.
What the hell is going on?
“I swear it feels like I’ve met you before. I just can’t place you...” She chuckles, and I do too, though it’s awkward. “Don’t mind me. I’m Alicia, but you can call me Ma. It’s very nice to finally meet you.”
I try my best not to keep frowning and force myself to smile instead. “Nice to meet you, too.”
“He’s told me so much about you,” she tells me, “I’m surprised he brought you, though. He’s never brought anyone home before. Well, not since…”
“Ma!” Kenneth says through gritted teeth. “Don’t.”
I glance at Kenneth, but he’s avoiding eye contact at all costs, glancing down at his shoes with his bottom lip trapped between his teeth. It makes my heart squeeze in my chest, and I can’t help but feel hopeful about her confession.
My voice trembles when I say, “Oh, I’m sure it’s not a big deal.”
Alicia’s eyes are sympathetic, but she shakes her head. “It’s a huge deal.”
Kenneth coughs. “Uh—excuse me. I need the bathroom.”
I can tell he feels uncomfortable, though I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the fact that his mom is telling me all of this. Or maybe he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea? This is so fucking confusing.
For a long minute, we just stare at each other. I’m unsure of how to proceed, so I don’t say anything at all. I wring my hands in front of me, and she stretches one of hers toward me. I take it, noticing how cold to the touch it is.
“He really cares for you,” Alicia says softly, smiling at me when I blink back tears. “He even told me you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”
“He’s definitely the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I whisper, trying to keep my voice from breaking. I fist my free hand in front of me, and she watches with a small frown.
“I really did think I knew you from somewhere. Maybe I just saw you in a dream or something…” she trails off, then looks at me again with a small smile. Almost like she’s embarrassed. “But that would be weird, wouldn’t it? I guess that wouldn’t make any sense.”
I frown again. “Sometimes I think I dreamed of Ken before I met him.” I don’t know why I’m saying this to her. I sound insane. “So I guess it’s not too far-fetched.”
She chuckles. “I’ll try to think about the dreams, and I’ll get back to you on it. I just need to remember.”
“I’ll do the same,” I lie.
“You look a little sad,” she notes softly, squeezing my hand tightly. Hers is trembling. “So does Ken.”
“I might have messed up,” I say. “Maybe moved too fast for him.”
“Ah.” She nods now, her blue eyes tender. “He gets spooked easily. Slow and steady works best with him.”
“I guess I know that now.” I snort. “Might be too late, though.”
“I doubt that. He brought you here.” Alicia smiles at me gently. “I think that says a lot.”
“I don’t really know what to think. He’s so confusing. I—”
Kenneth’s footsteps are loud as he comes back into the room, and I snap my mouth shut, cutting myself off.
I have a feeling he’s been listening the entire time, though I can’t really prove it.
He comes to stand at my side and wraps an arm around my waist, tugging me into his side.
He’s warm, and his embrace is comforting, but I try not to get lost in the emotions trying to drown me.
Why do I have to love him this desperately?
“What were you two talking about?” Kenneth raises an eyebrow at his mom. “I leave for one minute, and you team up against me?”
Alicia grins, then grimaces. “Never.”
Kenneth watches her closely, seeming to notice that she needs her rest. He lets go of me and goes to her side, whispering something in her ear and kissing her cheek.
Her skin has a gray hue to it, and I have to look away.
She looks close to death, and it breaks my heart.
He steps away from the bed, and she looks at me expectantly, spreading her arms wide for me.
My breath catches in my throat as I watch her, and she smiles.
“Come here, son,” she tells me, and I swear to god I almost break down. Kenneth watches me with tears in his eyes. “Give me a hug goodbye. You never know if this is the last time you’ll see me.”
I give her a hug, and she squeezes me tightly, and I whisper, “Don’t say that, Ma. You still have a while longer.”
She rubs my back in soothing circles and kisses my cheek. “Slow and steady, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
Alicia lets me go, and I take a step back.
Ken grabs my hand and says goodbye to his mother, and then he’s leading me out of the apartment and into another car.
But I’m not all here; instead, I’m trapped somewhere in my mind.
Wondering what the hell just happened. Why did he bring me here to meet his mother?
What does it mean? What do I want it to mean?
Can I even handle it if my suspicions are wrong?
I’m not sure I can.