18. CHOOSING YOU AGAIN
CHOOSING YOU AGAIN
Kenneth and I enter my penthouse in silence, the same silence that’s been eating at us since this morning.
It’s barely early afternoon, but I’m exhausted.
I could use a nap, and if I’m being honest, a few hours alone.
I need to reset my brain, and I can feel the emotional exhaustion weighing me down.
At the same time, I don’t want to ask him to leave.
Because what if he doesn’t come back? Is that actually what I want?
I exhale a shaky breath as I stop in the living room, back facing Kenneth, and try to muster up some courage to either ask him to leave or beg him to stay.
My brain is at war with my heart, because of course, my heart wants him.
But my brain is telling me to protect myself, sensing that he’s the danger.
Before I can say anything, there’s heat at my back and an arm wrapping around my waist. His chest presses against me, and I close my eyes and tell myself that it’s okay to let him hold me.
“Don’t leave me,” Kenneth whispers. “Please.”
“That’s not fair,” I breathe.
“I know.” He presses a kiss to the back of my neck, and I shiver. “But I’m begging anyway, Connie. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t break me.”
“You don’t care about me.”
“Is that really what you think?” he scoffs, arm tightening around my waist.
“Yes,” I answer truthfully.
“You’re so fucking blind, Conrad,” Kenneth says against my neck, then moves his lips to my jaw. “You can’t see what’s right in front of you.”
“What’s in front of me then?” I snap.
“Me.” He grabs my shirt and yanks hard, spinning me around. “Fucking me. I didn’t go anywhere, doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
I frown. “No.”
Kenneth lets out a frustrated breath, walking into me until I’m backing up. He continues until my back is against the wall in the hallway, then crowds me. His breath is warm against my lips, and I squeeze my eyes shut. Please don’t kiss me. It’ll be over if you do.
“You mean everything to me, Conrad.” His lips brush against mine. “I don’t understand how you can’t see it.”
“Because when it was time to tell me, you fucking didn’t,” I snap, pushing him away, then walking toward the bedroom. “Lock the door on your way out, Kenneth. I need sleep.” I know I’m overreacting. I fucking know that. I just can’t seem to stop. Why can’t I stop?
“Fuck that.” I hear him hot on my heels, and right before I close the door, he pushes against it and crowds me again.
His hand grabs my shirt and pulls me into him, and I gasp.
“You’re mine, Conrad Moore. You’ll always be mine.
And if you think I’m going to let you walk away from me, then you’re crazier than I thought. ”
“Why does it matter?” I ask through gritted teeth. “You—”
“Because I love you, okay?!” Ken yells, chest heaving, hand tightening on the front of the shirt he won’t let go of. “I love you, and it scares me shitless! I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I’m terrified!”
“You don’t have to lie to me,” I say softly, and Kenneth lifts his head and looks at me with clear confusion.
“I pour out my heart, and you don’t believe me?” he asks, bottom lip wobbling.
My voice cracks. “You just don’t want me to break up with you. You don’t have to lie.”
“You think I’d fucking lie about that?” Kenneth growls, wrapping a hand around my throat and pressing his forehead against mine. “Is that what you’re saying?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“Let me make myself clear, Conrad,” he says against my lips. “I didn’t tell you before because I was fucking scared. I still am—terrified, if I’m being honest—but you deserve to know. I had to tell you. I can’t shut you out. I refuse to lose you over being scared.”
There’s a knot in my throat I can’t swallow past, then I whisper, “You make me want to believe in always.” I don’t sound like myself, not really. My voice is choked and tight, as if I’m on the verge of crying, and maybe I am. “Please don’t fucking break me.”
“Never,” Kenneth whispers. “I’d rather die.”
Ken presses his lips to mine again, and with this kiss, I feel myself relax against him. I can feel the emotion he’s pouring into it, as if screaming at me that he loves me. That he can’t live without me. I hope it’s not all in my head.
Please let this be real.
“Say it again,” I whisper.
“I love you,” Kenneth whispers back, grabbing the back of my head tightly, pressing our foreheads together once more. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
My breath catches in my throat. “Show me,” I say breathlessly. “Make me yours. Own me.”
“You want me to own you, baby?” Kenneth says softly, grabbing the hem of my shirt and pulling it up.
I hold my arms up for him, letting him take it off.
He presses himself against me, skin to skin, and wraps his arms around me tightly.
Then, his hands roam down until they’re cupping my ass.
“I want inside you tonight, Conrad.” I shiver when he pushes his hands into the back of my jeans, grabbing me again.
“Let me show you. Let me make you feel good.”
I nod slowly, and he removes his hands from inside my jeans and takes a step back. I unbutton them and remove my shoes, then take off the rest of my clothes until I’m standing bare in front of him.
Kenneth’s cheeks are flushed as he looks at me, and I watch silently as he takes off his clothes now, too.
My cock throbs at seeing how hard he is, and when he wraps his hand around himself and strokes, I shiver in anticipation.
He wants to fuck me. I’ve never let anyone do that before.
I can’t help but feel excited, though. And scared.
So fucking scared. Scared he’ll leave me after all.
“Stop thinking so loud,” Ken says, then opens the nightstand drawer and pulls out a bottle of lube. “I can hear it all.”
“Then what am I thinking?” I snap, raising an eyebrow.
“You’re thinking shit that isn’t true, Conrad,” he replies softly, ignoring my attitude. “I’m not leaving you.”
I swallow hard.
“Now get on the bed,” he demands. “On your belly.”
It’s embarrassing how fast I turn around and comply, climbing onto the mattress and settling on my belly, cheek pressed against the bed as I look at my dresser.
Kenneth’s fingertips run up my calf, then the inside of my thigh, and he pushes my legs apart gently.
He settles between them, and then I feel his lips on the back of my thigh. I jolt in surprise, and he chuckles.
“Don’t be nervous, baby,” he whispers. “It’s just me. Just us.”
I exhale shakily, and he trails his soft lips up and up and up, until he’s kissing one of my ass cheeks.
And then his warm tongue licks a path across my skin, and my hips buck involuntarily, rubbing my cock against the bed, making me moan.
I feel him smiling against my skin, this time closer to my crease, and then he licks me again.
In the next breath, soft hands are spreading me apart, and I feel him breathe against me.
It makes me squirm, makes me self-conscious, but then his lips are pressing against my hole, and my brain short-circuits.
“Fuck,” I whisper. “J-just do it.”
Ken chuckles, and then his warm tongue presses against my hole, circling it and prodding it gently, and I whimper embarrassingly loudly.
He keeps going, licking and kissing. Nipping gently and biting a bit harder.
Sucking softly, then roughly. He keeps alternating, completely unpredictable, and it’s driving me crazy.
It feels so good, though. Too good. If I’m not careful, I could come just like this.
The tightening of my balls has me moaning, and then I’m humping the bed roughly.
My entire body tightens as I get closer to my release, and I begin to push back against his face, searching for more, though I’m not entirely sure what that is.
Until he thrusts his entire tongue inside me, and I buck forward.
He doesn’t let me go far, grabbing my hips tightly and pulling me back towards his mouth.
I begin jerking my cock furiously, my hand tightening to almost the point of pain as I chase my orgasm.
Kenneth moans against my hole, sending vibrations to my balls, and I groan. “Ken,” I pant, my cock beginning to throb as I shake. “I’m gonna come—”
“No, you’re fucking not,” he growls, slapping my hand so I stop touching myself. I whine at the loss of contact, and he chuckles. “You’re going to wait until I’m inside you. That means no more touching your cock.”
“Fuck,” I pant, my thighs trembling as I hear the cap of the lube snap in the silence of the room.
I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and breathe in slowly, trying to force myself to calm down.
I grip the sheets so hard my knuckles blanch, and when cold, wet fingers probe at my hole, I stiffen.
“S-sorry,” I whisper, then make myself relax.
“That’s it, baby,” Kenneth says softly, circling his finger over my rim, then pushing just the tip in.
I gasp at the intrusion, but then Ken’s hand wraps around my cock and strokes it from behind.
I groan at the feeling, and relax even more, making his finger slip in a little further.
“You’re so warm and tight,” he says through gritted teeth. “I’m going to fucking die in there.”
“Don’t die,” I breathe. “Ken… please, more.”
Kenneth’s hand tightens around my cock as he withdraws his finger almost all the way, then another one joins it.
He thrusts them in slowly, giving me time to adjust, and then scissors them in a way that has my entire body tightening.
He’s stretching me out for his cock. I’m going to fucking bottom for this man. Fuck, what if I hate it? What if—
“Oh, baby. Yes!” I moan loudly when his fingers rub against what is surely my prostate. It feels as if I’ve been struck by lightning, and my entire body jerks in response. “Ken—”
“Right there?” he asks, and I know he’s smirking, even though he sounds breathless. “Tell me I’m making you feel good.”