23. WRITTEN IN LIGHTNING
WRITTEN IN LIGHTNING
Ipull my pants up and slip on my shoes as I watch Kenneth pace the bedroom.
He looks sad, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m leaving him when he’s clearly falling apart.
We just showered, and his towel is still wrapped around his waist as he comes to stand in front of me.
I straighten my body and reach out, brushing my knuckles over his cheekbone and smiling softly at him.
He doesn’t smile back. Instead, his bottom lip trembles.
“I’m sorry I have to go, baby,” I whisper, leaning in to kiss his forehead. “I know you don’t really want to talk about it, but I think you need to go see your mom tonight. Spend some time with her.”
Kenneth nods. “I’m sorry I pushed you away.
” I shake my head at him, pressing our foreheads together and looking into his eyes.
I’m about to tell him not to apologize anymore, but he squeezes my arm and continues talking.
“I should’ve told you how I feel. And the truth is, I feel helpless.
I’m not sure how I’ll ever recover from this, Conrad.
It feels like someone is ripping out my heart slowly. ”
“I know, Kenny,” I breathe, and his eyes tear up. “I’m here for you. I want you to know that I know how you feel right now. And I’ll do whatever you need me to do. If you need someone to talk to, I’m your guy. If you just need me to hold you and say nothing, I can do that too. I’m here for you.”
Ken sobs, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in the crook of my neck. His tears soak my skin and shirt, and I rub a soothing hand over his back. We stay like that for long minutes, and when he stops breathing roughly, I pull away and cup his face in my hands.
“I love you so much,” I tell him, hoping he can hear the emotion in my voice that’s overwhelming me right now. “Please call me if you need anything. Anything at all, Ken.”
He nods, “I will. I love you too.”
With that, I grab my backpack and suitcase and walk towards the front door.
Kenneth follows after me, giving me one last chaste kiss on my lips before I open the door.
I step out and stop in my tracks, turning towards him once more.
We stare at each other, and I reach out again and caress his face, my thumb brushing over his bottom lip.
I want to pull him into me and hold him.
I want to never let him go. I want to stay right here with him. But I can’t.
I close the distance between us once more and kiss his forehead softly, which makes him sniffle, and he grips my waist tightly like he never wants to let me go. “Be here when I get back,” I whisper. “Wait for me.”
“Always,” Kenny whispers back. “It’s Kenny and Connie forever, remember?”
I smile and lift my left hand, showing him the ring on my finger, and his eyes light up. “Forever and ever.”
Before we get too emotional again, I take a step back and sigh, then turn around and walk quickly toward the elevator.
But before he’s completely out of view, I look back over my shoulder one last time.
He’s still standing at our door, watching me walk away.
There’s obvious pain in his features, and I almost run back to him, but I turn around and get in the elevator, all the while wondering if I’m making a grave mistake by leaving him here alone.
I look down at my ring again as the elevator doors open in the parking garage, and I walk quickly towards my car and shove my bags in the trunk.
It’s raining hard when I drive to the entrance of the garage, and I sigh as I flick on the blinker and turn left onto the street.
It’s not busy at all due to the rain, and before long, I’m almost out of the city.
I look in my rearview mirror as if I could find Kenneth standing behind the car in the middle of the road, waiting for me, but instead, all I see is nothing but water striking the glass.
The road is dark and slick as I get on the highway, and I think about how I should’ve left a little earlier when there was better visibility.
Rain is pounding against my windshield, slowing me down, and at this rate, I’ll be lucky if I make it to my destination at all.
I’m tempted to pull over and wait the storm out, turn on my hazard lights, and just hope it doesn’t take hours.
I can’t see shit as I set my wipers to the fastest setting, slowing down significantly, at least twenty miles under the speed limit. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough.
Of course, there are no lights to illuminate my way, and I can no longer see the taillights in front of me, either, which means the car ahead of me either pulled over or got off the highway at what I’m assuming is an exit.
An exit I can’t fucking see at all. They must have been using a damn GPS.
Mine tells me to stay here for the next fifty-five miles, and I sigh.
My phone buzzes from the cupholder, and I lift it up, taking my eyes off the road, smiling at Kenneth’s name on my screen.
I unlock the phone with Face ID and frown, feeling a sense of déjà vu sink into me, but when I go to his messages, I see it’s a voice note, so I play it on my Bluetooth.
There’s heavy breathing on his end and a sob that makes my heart freeze in my chest, and then he begins to speak.
“Conrad, please turn around. Mom passed, and I-I didn’t get to say goodbye.” His voice cracks, and he lets out another sob. My stomach churns. “Come home, please. I need you. I can’t do this without you.”
I shake my head quickly, hitting the button to voice record to tell him I’m turning around right fucking now, but suddenly I hear more than feel a boom echoing in my ears.
But then I do feel it, the way my stomach dips, the lightness in my chest as the car flips and spins on its roof, the way my head crashes against the window, and the glass shatters right before the vehicle settles.
The scream rips from my throat as I let go of my phone, and it lands a few feet away from me.
I watch in horror as the voice note sends, and I realize what this means.
Kenneth is about to get a front-row seat to this car crash.
I frantically try to reach for my phone, but I’m upside down, and it’s just out of reach.
I try to unbuckle my seatbelt to no avail.
It’s stuck. It’s fucking stuck! My lungs burn as I frantically pull at it, the way it’s constricting my chest and pelvis making me panic, but it just won’t budge.
With trembling hands, I inhale sharply, then try again.
It’s absolutely futile. I push against the airbag, trying to get away from it, but that’s crushing me too.
My phone vibrates on the roof of the car and lights up with Kenneth’s name, and I watch with tear-filled eyes as his messages come through.
Kenny: Baby? What the hell happened?
Kenny: Are you okay?
Kenny: Answer me right fucking now, Conrad.
There’s an incoming call from him, and I try to reach for the phone desperately, but I can’t, no matter how far I stretch.
I can taste blood in my mouth, and then I’m coughing, the metallic taste filling my throat.
Turning my head to the side, I throw it up, which I just know can’t be good.
My eyes widen when I see it land on the roof, and I shake my head.
No. No fucking way I go out like this. I haven’t said goodbye to Kenneth. I can’t—
Of course, my Bluetooth is still playing music, and a song about dandelions and forever comes on, taunting me, mocking me.
I shake my head again, my eyes stinging, and tears finally trail down my cheeks.
I lift my hand to my face and look at the metal band, glinting at me mockingly.
My eyes begin to blur as my head starts pounding, and when I touch my forehead, I feel a deep gash.
My fingers are sticky with blood when I look at them, and I whimper.
“No,” I whisper. “Fuck this—no!”
I hear thunder in the background, loud and booming and sounding really close. A car honks its horn, and I scream again.
“Help!” My throat feels raw from how loudly I scream, but I’m desperate now. Nothing matters except getting the fuck out of this car right now. “Someone help me, please!”
And then it dawns on me. My dream, the one I had months ago, is happening right now. To me. It’s real. How the fuck is this possible?
My body turns cold suddenly, and my eyes start drifting closed.
I try to open them, but they feel so heavy.
So I don’t. Instead, I think of Kenny as I feel myself grow even colder.
I’m shivering now, shaking, and the rain is pounding against me through the shattered window and windshield.
But even through it all, I see his face clearly.
Kenneth smiling as he sat across from me on our first date.
Him smiling as he wrote our names into the sand.
The way he looked under me the first time we had sex, head thrown back and lips parted.
His body, with moonlight shining over him.
Kenneth’s face the first time I said I love you.
When he gave me my birthday presents. And just a few hours ago, when he put the ring on my finger.
As if that’s not enough, I see him walking down the aisle alone, with me waiting at the end of it.
He’s happy, really happy, but I can still see how sad he is beneath it all, because his mom isn’t there to walk with him.
His golden hair is a little longer, almost brushing his shoulders, curls still wild the way I love.
Blue eyes crinkle at the corners with his smile the closer he gets to me, and I feel the tears streaming down my face as if it’s actually happening.
My life plays behind my eyelids like a highlight reel of beautiful moments.
Unforgettable moments. But no one tells you that when you’re about to die, you also see the future you didn’t have.
The life you could have had if fate had been on your side.
As I sit here, upside down in my car and soaked to the bone, I can’t help but think that I never thought this could be my life.
I took it all for granted. I should’ve loved him harder, held him tighter, kissed him longer.
And most importantly, I should’ve never left him tonight.
“Ken…” I whisper, hearing more than feeling my heart slow down. My body is cold, so, so cold. It’s hard to stay awake, and I keep startling myself as I come back to. “Kenny…”
Thump.
Thump.
Thu—
A bright light.
A loud boom.
Then darkness.