32. A PLACE AT THE TABLE
A PLACE AT THE TABLE
Kenneth’s car drives so smoothly, I’m almost in a trance by the time we pull up to his mom’s apartment building.
He hasn’t told me why we’re here, or even where here is, but I know.
I can’t deny I’m scared to go in there and see her.
The last time I laid eyes on his mom, she was on her deathbed, and it never gets easier to think about Kenneth losing her.
Both of us on the same night. The possibility of it happening again is unthinkable—it’s panic-inducing—and I’m trying really hard to act normal and not freak out in front of Kenneth, but it’s getting harder and harder to do so.
I wish I could tell him what’s going through my mind, why I act the way I do, but it’s simply not possible.
He’ll think I’m crazy. Frankly, I can’t even blame him if he does.
He parks the car in an assigned spot and grips the steering wheel tightly, not making eye contact, chest heaving.
I can tell he’s very nervous, probably even thinks this is going to freak me out.
To meet his mother so soon into our relationship.
It’s not, though. I know how important she is to him, and that she doesn’t have much time left.
That alone makes it understandable that he’d want to do this, but also, the reality is that I would never be freaked out, no matter how fast he was taking things between us.
“What’s going on, Ken?” I ask very, very softly, hoping my voice comes out soothing.
“I—” Kenneth swallows hard, then turns his face to look at me. His eyes are red-rimmed and wet, and he blinks quickly, trying not to spill the tears down his cheeks. “I want you to meet my mom.”
I nod. “I’d love to meet her.”
His face goes from scared to shocked in a split second. “You would?”
“Of course,” I reply easily, trying to make him feel at ease. As if this is no big deal at all, when in fact, it’s the most important thing that’s ever happened to him. “I already love her.”
I already love you.
Kenneth’s bottom lip wobbles slightly, and he bites it hard, the flesh blanching as he inhales deeply through his nose.
I can tell he’s trying to keep his composure, and when he closes his eyes and squeezes tightly, I exhale shakily.
I’m treading carefully here, but we’re on shaky ground right now, and one wrong move will fuck everything up.
I want him to feel comfortable. I need him to know I’m here no matter what.
That he has someone to lean on. A shoulder to cry on if necessary—and I know it will be needed at some point.
“I told her about you,” he admits, and I smile at him even though his eyes are closed. “She’s really excited for me to finally bring someone home.”
“Have you never…?” I know the answer, but I still feel like I should ask. I can’t act like I know everything about him.
“Once.” This time, he opens his eyes and looks into mine. “I never thought I’d be in a relationship again.”
“Why not, Ken? You’re a catch,” I reply, putting a hand up to stop him from speaking.
From the argument I know is coming. From him trying to tell me he’s not.
“You are. You’re amazing—you’re everything.
The full package. There’s no one else for me but you.
I need you to know that. I know I’m intense, and that sometimes I’m too much.
But I need you to be sure of one thing: you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. ”
Ken inhales sharply. “Sometimes I look at you, and you don’t seem real.”
“I’m real, baby,” I say softly, reaching for him.
My thumb brushes under his eye to catch a stray tear, and he gives me a wobbly smile.
His chin quivers as he tries not to cry, and my heart breaks for him a little more.
It breaks for us. “All those dreams of your soulmate? It was just your brain telling you I was coming for you. I’ve been ready for you.
My whole life, I’ve been looking for you.
I—” I stop myself before I can say those three little words, but his eyes widen anyway.
I know he knows. He can tell, and I don’t want to ruin this, so instead, I smile. “I’m happy I found you.”
“I’m happy you found me, too.” Kenneth’s voice cracks, and I feel the emotion in my chest. My heart squeezes painfully. “Also, I just need to put this out there. My mom raised me alone, so I can’t introduce you to my dad. I don’t really know him. I-I’m sorry. I know that’s—”
I frown, interrupting him. “I don’t care about that piece of shit, Ken.”
He smiles, eyes lighting up. “I just wanted to tell you.”
“I care about who you care about,” I reply gently, squeezing his hand once. “Your mom did a great job all on her own.”
“I owe it all to her,” he replies, then turns off the ignition. “Are you ready?”
I nod and smile. “Yeah, baby. Let’s do this.”
The walk to the lobby is short, and I look around at the very fancy space as we make our way to the elevator.
Kenneth grabs my hand tightly as we wait for it, and then we step on and press the button for the eleventh floor.
It’s so quiet that I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.
The blood rushing is making a loud whooshing sound, and I know if I focus too much on it, I’m bound to get dizzy.
I might just pass the fuck out. What if she doesn’t like me?
What if she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her son?
I want her to like me. I want her to know I’m going to take care of him when she’s gone.
But what if I can’t? What if it’s all a lie?
What if there’s no other fate for me but to die on the exact same night as she does?
What if Kenneth is left all alone in the world all over again?
Fuck.
My hands begin to sweat, and I wipe my free one on my leg.
The one Kenneth is holding becomes shaky, and he looks at me with an unreadable expression.
I smile reassuringly, but I’m not sure if it works, or if I just look constipated.
The look on his face tells me it’s the latter. I’m fucking this up already—
“Breathe, baby,” he whispers, and I do, taking a deep breath. “I know she’s going to love you. You have nothing to worry about.”
I nod, but before I can reply, the elevator door opens, and Kenneth is pulling me forward down a hallway.
Halfway through, we stop in front of a white door, and he unlocks it and opens it gently.
Once we’re both inside, he closes it and locks it once more.
Rachel is peeking into the hallway, the same way she did last time, and I get hit with déjà vu so hard it almost knocks me on my ass.
“I didn’t know you were coming, or I would’ve made lunch for you!” she says, walking toward us until she’s standing a few feet away.
No, God.
Please no.
“It’s okay, Rachel,” Kenneth says with a smile—the same smile from the same day at the same time as he brought me here last time. Fuck. “This is Conrad. My, um… my boyfriend.”
I take a deep breath and smile. How can I change this conversation? How can I change the course of today? I don’t want to relive everything again. I don’t want anything to be the same, for fuck’s sake. I want to change it all. I can’t let this ruin it for me, though. I have to do something.
“Hi, Rachel.” I offer my hand, and she closes the distance between us to take it. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too.” She grins. “Alicia is ready for you, Kenneth.”
“Aw, damn it,” he complains half-heartedly. But he smiles. “I wanted to surprise her.”
“That woman knows everything you’re doing at all times,” Rachel whispers conspiratorially. “I don’t know how she does it. I think she might be psychic.”
This is much better. We’re in safe territory now, I think. Far, far away from what I’ve already lived before. Now, I need to find a way to keep it like this. “Aren’t all moms?” I grin.
Rachel chuckles. “You might be right, Conrad.” Then she looks at Kenneth. “How do you guys feel about grilled cheese and tomato soup?”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that, Rachel—”
“Nonsense,” she says calmly, though she looks ready to argue. “Alicia is going to want to eat lunch with you. I know you want to do what she wants, right?”
Kenneth purses his lips. “I—fine.”
Rachel grins triumphantly, leading the way into the living area.
I stop short at the sight of it all, the same way I did so long ago.
The sight of her in that hospital bed doesn’t get any easier to witness.
Neither does the fact that it’s as if I’ve stepped into a mobile hospital room.
IV pumps beep in the background, but a television is playing a little louder than they are.
Alicia seems engrossed in what she’s watching, and I breathe in deeply to try to calm my nerves.
It’s a terrible idea, as the scent of antiseptic and vanilla overpowers my senses.
I blink once, and Ken is already beside his mom, giving her a kiss on the forehead.
She looks sickly, skin ashen, and lips dry.
It doesn’t stop her from gazing adoringly at her son, though, and I’m rooted in place as I give them a private moment to say hello.
In all honesty, I wouldn’t mind staying here a while longer.
I’m terrified to move. But as if she can smell my fear, she notices me standing in the middle of the living room, a ship without sails.
Alicia lifts her arm to beckon me, and I walk quickly toward her as I watch her struggle to hold it up in place.
Kenneth’s face pinches in concern, and he brushes his knuckles over her cheekbone.
They look so much alike that it feels like I’m looking at him—he definitely takes after her.
Same blue eyes, same lips—and it hits me that I’ve had these same fucking thoughts before.
I hurry and take her hand, and she finally lets her arm fall. It looks like that move took all her strength, and she smiles weakly.
“Do I know you?” Alicia asks me, eyes assessing me. “You look so familiar…”
I gulp. “Um, no. I’m sorry,” I lie.
“I’m so silly.” She chuckles. “It’s nice to meet you, Conrad.”
“Hi, Alicia.” I beam at her. “I’m so glad to meet you, too, finally.”
“Wait, how did you know it’s him?” Kenneth asks her, incredulous. “I didn’t even introduce you!”
Alicia chuckles. “As if it would be any other person.”
“Fair,” Ken says, rolling his eyes.
Kenneth’s cell phone rings, and he looks down at the screen with a frown.
He mutters that he has to take the call because it’s work-related, and he leaves the living room.
For a split second, I feel guilty. Everything about this encounter is different now, and it feels like I’m manipulating fate.
But what if I am? What if I fucking change it all?
I’m already in love with him. I can’t fucking lose him.
We stare at each other for what feels like forever, and I can tell she’s taking in every single detail about me. It should make me nervous, but now that I have her this close, all I feel is a sense of calm. I want her to trust me. To like me.
“My dad died a few months ago,” I tell her softly, and her eyes widen in surprise, clearly not expecting me to tell her about this. “Cancer.”
She nods. “I’m very sorry to hear that, honey.”
“I’m sorry about you, too,” I reply gently, because it’s a delicate topic, and I realize I’m implying she’s also going to die. But she knows that. I know she does. “I’m really, truly sorry.”
“He’s going to be devastated,” she whispers. “My poor Ken will not know how to move on.”
“I’m going to take care of him,” I tell her with as much conviction as I can manage. “I swear it. He will never be alone again.” I almost flinch at my promise, and I hope to all that is holy I can keep it this time.
A tear spills down her cheek. “I can’t even tell you how grateful I am. He needs you. I’m sorry to put that on you. I am. But I need you to be there for him.”
“I want to be here,” I reply. “I want to marry him.”
Alicia’s smile is a slow thing. Like a flower blooming in spring after an arduous winter. It’s almost as beautiful to witness as it is when he smiles at me. “Are you asking for my blessing, Conrad?”
“Yes.” I nod. “I am.”
“You have it.” Her chin quivers. “Kenneth is so lucky; you’re perfect for him.”
“I’m the lucky one,” I whisper, hearing Kenneth walk into the room again, clearly done with his call. “Loving him is the best thing I’ve ever done.”
“He loves you too,” she whispers back, looking behind me as his footsteps get closer. “And I love you for him.”
I smile now, too, then squeeze her hand gently. “I’m so happy to be here.”
She looks at me with recognition in her blue eyes, but surely I’m imagining that. “I am so happy you’re here too, dear boy.”
Kenneth stands next to me now, squeezing my shoulder as if he knows exactly what we were talking about. It’s possible he has an idea, that’s for sure. “What did I miss?”
Alicia and I look at each other, that same glint in her eyes, and I grin. “Oh, I was just about to tell him about that one time you tried to play soccer and sucked at it,” she says, to which Kenneth gasps.
“I’ve never sucked at anything in my life!” Kenneth replies, outraged. But I can tell he’s happy.
Alicia laughs loudly at this. “I only told you that because I’m your mom.”
“So you’re saying you lied?” Kenneth asks playfully.
“Absolutely.” She grins.
They spend the rest of the afternoon talking, and I sit back and listen.
They include me, but I’m happy to watch them, so I mostly do that.
It’s nice, seeing them love each other. I want this for him.
I want him to cherish the time he has left with his mom.
The way I wish I had been able to with my dad.
His illness caught us all by surprise, and he died shortly after.
I didn’t have months—only weeks—and he was so sick he spent the entire time in the hospital.
I was able to get there in time to say a very hard goodbye.
Possibly the most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever done.
I want Kenneth to have that this time around—a proper goodbye—and I will make it happen.
Whatever it takes.
That’s my promise to him.