33. SOMEWHERE WE STILL EXIST
SOMEWHERE WE STILL EXIST
We’ve been dating for months now, and I’ve been committed to taking things slow.
But my control is slipping, and I think tonight is the night.
Ken has been dropping hints since we sat down to eat dinner at the fanciest restaurant in the city, my treat.
I’ve been wooing him, I would say. I’ve wanted him to fall in love with me for me, not because of sex.
I’m not sure if he feels that way yet, but I think I can relax a little bit.
He’s not just using me, and I know that.
I guess I’ve just been scared he’ll get bored after fucking and never talk to me again.
It’s what he would’ve done way back when.
I know he’s given me no indication that those are his intentions, but I can’t help the paranoia that’s gripping me.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore, though.
I think the only way to replace this thought process is to finally go through with it. Let him prove me wrong.
He’s tried making the first move many times now, but I’ve redirected us back to blowjobs and frotting, too fucking scared to go through with it.
Now, I’m ready, but I’m not going to assume I’m getting lucky tonight.
I’m going to be a gentleman, and if he doesn’t invite me in, that’s okay too.
I’ll get my kiss and go home, even though what I really want is for him to sleep in my arms. And I do get that sometimes, just not nearly as much as I actually want.
If it were me, I’d be moved in already. He seems to be ready for it, but I want it to be his idea.
I’m not going to influence his decision in any way.
I pay for the check and add a generous tip for the server, then close the fancy leather folder and get up.
Kenneth gets up too, and I offer him my hand when he comes to my side.
The way he smiles at me, so softly and surely, makes my heart speed up in my chest. Moments like these make me believe he loves me, and I don’t want to tell myself he does yet, because what if he doesn’t?
But I also want to be delusional a little longer and believe in my fairy tale.
That he thinks we’re soulmates. That he believes we belong together.
That he can’t live without me anymore. Fuck, I know I’m crazy.
It’s only been three months. But three more months of loving him have been a gift, one I was sure I wasn’t going to get.
The universe seems to be in my favor—though clearly for a limited amount of time—and I’m not going to question it.
Kenneth grabs my hand as we step out of the restaurant, directing me to the sidewalk across the street.
We’re near his place, one block away to be exact, and he seems to be ready to get there as he walks a little faster the closer we get.
He’s pulling me, hand tightly clasped in mine, and I match his strides to stay at his side.
My mind is whirling with possibilities, memories playing in a highlight reel as we step into his apartment building.
Images of him on his hands and knees for me, back arched as I flatten my palm between his shoulder blades and push until his cheek meets the mattress.
Him on his back as I push his knees toward his chest and enter him.
Us lying on our sides as I spoon him and fuck him from behind.
Every possibility. Everything we’ve ever done, replaying on a loop.
My hands shake slightly when we make it to his door, and then we’re staring at each other.
I wonder if my eyes are as wide as his, and when I let go of his hand, he looks down at our severed connection for a moment before meeting my eyes again.
He licks his lips nervously, and my eyes follow the movement.
I’m miserable, crawling out of my skin with fucking need for him.
I can’t take it anymore, but I promised myself I would let him decide.
I won’t influence him. If he wants this, he has to ask for it.
So I lean in and kiss his cheek, ready to say good night and walk away.
My lips linger for a bit longer than necessary, and he sucks in a sharp breath.
Right as I take a step back, he grips my arm.
“Do you want to come in?” Kenneth asks softly, eyes searching mine.
I know what this means, and I’m not sure if I’m more nervous or relieved.
I do want to come in, but it’s the biggest step we’ve taken, and I know if I give myself to him, there’s no going back from it.
If he breaks it off, he’s going to shatter my fucking heart.
I guess in a way I’ve been protecting myself from what feels like the inevitable pain that’s coming, but I want to throw caution to the wind and—
Fuck it.
I nod.
He smiles slowly.
My heart thumps louder.
Faster.
Kenneth unlocks the door quickly, hands shaking just like mine are.
At least he’s nervous. It seems he’s just as invested in this thing between us as I am, and it does make me feel better.
The relief that hits me is all-consuming.
When we enter, and he closes the door, I stand in the middle of his living room with no direction.
I don’t know what to do with myself, and he stands six feet away from me, staring.
Unmoving. Lips parted, chest heaving, eyes wide, and cheeks flushed.
And then he’s finally moving.
Quick.
Quicker.
Until I open my arms and he flies into them with so much force I rock backward, grabbing my face and crashing his lips to mine.
He tastes like the strawberry cocktail he was drinking at dinner and all my shattered dreams. I wonder if he’ll be able to pick up all my pieces and put them back together the way he once did back then.
My hands cradle his jaw as I deepen the kiss, shifting my face, fucking my tongue between his parted lips as he gasps.
His hands are everywhere, roaming up and down my back, gripping my biceps, my ass.
And then he grabs my dress shirt and yanks it out of my pants, and I’m so stunned I almost stop breathing.
It also means I’ve stopped mid-kiss, frozen.
His hands move under my shirt, and he flattens his palms on my back, then bites my bottom lip and tugs slowly. It makes me whimper.
“Want you,” Kenneth says, and I nod frantically as he begins unbuckling my belt. He’s undone my pants and shoved them down my legs in mere seconds, and I kick off my shoes and step out of my pants.
I take my shirt off as fast as I can, ripping it off, buttons flying everywhere. I don’t fucking care about the damn shirt. Just need inside of him. I need to feel his body against mine. His soft skin, bare.
Kenneth seems to be racing against me as he gets naked too, and soon, he’s standing in front of me with his cock in his hand.
I swallow hard when he gets as close to me as he can, pressing his chest against mine, sliding a hand behind me until it’s inside my boxer briefs, where he grips my ass.
I suck in a sharp breath when he kisses me again, groaning when he squeezes my cheek hard.
“Want you so bad,” Kenneth repeats frantically.
I moan when he rubs his free hand over my cotton-covered erection, and I moan helplessly. “Need you,” I breathe.
“Tell me I can have you, please, Conrad,” he practically begs, and I nod quickly.
“Yes,” I moan again, and he bites my neck. “Take me. I’m yours.”
Ken hooks his hands into my boxer briefs and pulls them down, and when I step out of them, I get as close as I can.
I don’t wait for him to tell me what to do, don’t wait for direction.
Instead, I bend a little and grip the back of his thighs, hoisting him up.
He wraps his thighs around my waist, hooking his ankles together as I walk us blindly through the apartment, kissing him until we’re in his room.
And then I’m throwing him on the bed, and he bounces, spreading his legs and blessing me with a view I thought I’d never see again.
That’s what has me crawling between his thighs at record speed.
The promise of his tight heat around me.
I can’t fucking take it anymore; this want, this uncontrollable need for him.
And isn’t that the truth? I need Kenneth Dunn more than I need the next breath in my lungs.
I reach under his head, beneath the pillow, where I know he stashes his lube when he’s ready to fuck.
I guess some things never change, because my hand grips the bottle, and I bring it to my side.
He grins shyly now, and I mentally catalog that smile for later.
He’s not shy, not ever. But he is right now.
It makes me wonder what’s going through his mind. Does he want me as much as I want him?
“Hurry,” Ken gasps when I start making my way down his body. I open the bottle of lube and coat my fingers, then kiss the tip of his cock. “I need you inside me.”
“I need to prep you,” I reply softly, circling his rim with one finger, then pushing the tip inside him. I feel his body give way immediately as he relaxes for me, and I smile, then take him in my mouth.
Kenneth whimpers as I take him to the back of my throat, then thrust my finger inside until I rub it against his prostate.
And then I’m withdrawing from his body, inserting a second digit into him and hollowing my cheeks as I bob my head back up.
The sounds he’s making have my cock throbbing.
It feels like my entire body has been doused in gasoline, and someone has lit a match and thrown it right on top.
I’m fucking hot all over, like I’m consumed with flames. I’m going to fucking combust.