39. IN EVERY LIFETIME
IN EVERY LIFETIME
Ihaven’t even had a chance to open my eyes yet, but somehow, I’m still hit with an intense sense of déjà vu as the pounding in my head brings me back to consciousness.
I can hear the beeping of the pumps, and I’m immediately transported back to seven months ago when I woke up in this hospital room, scared and confused.
Somehow, I know I’m in the same room. Fate is a little bitch playing mind games with me, so when I finally crack an eye open, I’m not surprised when I look at the whiteboard across from my bed to find the same room number on it.
I look at the date now, too—December fifth, and my body sags with relief.
My head pounds to the beat of my heart as I squeeze my eyes shut once more, then take a deep breath and open them both this time.
The effort it takes to keep my eyes open is monumental, but I push through with all the strength I have left.
I’m not sure there’s much of it left, but I have to try.
For my sake, I have to know if any of this is real, or if I’m dead and this is purgatory.
What if the universe is pissed off and forcing me to live in an alternate reality that never happened?
What if I actually closed my eyes and never made it out of the car crash?
It’s dark and quiet, except for the annoying sound of my heartbeat speeding up on the machine.
I can’t make myself hate it, though, because I’m alive.
And though I haven’t looked at Kenneth yet, I can feel his presence next to me.
It’s its own entity in the room, something I can sense no matter where I am.
No matter the circumstances. It brings me comfort, knowing that no matter if I’m alive or dead, he’s by my side.
Even if he’s a figment of my imagination.
I move my hand, sucking in a sharp breath at the pain, and realize maybe I really am alive.
I feel the stitches pulling before I lift my hand to look, and sure enough, the cuts from the glass on the gravel look gnarly in the semi-darkness of the room.
It makes me smile. I wouldn’t have them if it weren’t for Ken saving me.
I try turning my head slightly, but my neck twinges with pain, so I can only go so far.
My left hand moves, though, connecting with soft strands of what I know is golden hair.
The feeling of him, any part of him, on my fingertips makes tears gather in my eyes.
It’s a relief that he’s here by my side, and though I don’t want to cut this moment of wonder short, I need to know he’s real even more than I want to bask in the fact that I haven’t lost him.
I need him to look at me with love in his eyes and tell me he’s real.
That he’s here. And that everything is going to be just fine. It will be as long as he’s by my side.
I search for Kenneth’s hand in the blankets, finding it against my hip, and squeezing it lightly.
It’s enough to make him stir, though, and when I squeeze again, he startles awake and sits up abruptly.
It takes effort to turn my body towards him since I can’t turn my head much, and my body protests, pain shooting to places I didn’t even know got hurt in the crash.
“You’re awake,” Kenneth breathes, getting up so he’s in my line of sight. I’ve never been happier to see him, and tears threaten to spill down my cheeks. “You’re alive. Oh my god. Baby, I was so scared.”
This time, I can’t hold the tears back. “I thought I died,” I croak out, my voice hoarse from not speaking for who knows how long. “Are you real?”
He smiles shakily, then brushes his knuckles across my cheekbone so lightly that I barely feel the whisper of his skin against mine. “I’m real, Conrad. I’m sorry I made you drive. I’m so sorry.”
Kenneth’s bottom lip quivers with his apology, and I realize he feels guilty for the accident. I shake my head almost imperceptibly, my neck refusing to cooperate no matter how hard I try.
“It’s not your fault,” I say, and when he tries to protest, I squeeze his hand extra hard until he presses his lips together.
“Hear me out, okay? If this was our fate, it was going to happen anyway. There’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent it, and the important detail is that you saved me, Ken. You. And now I’m here, not dead.”
He nods, “I can’t even explain what I felt when you sent m-me that voice message, Conrad.
I-I freaked the fuck out. I was already pulling out of the parking garage before you sent it, ready to go home.
But I knew, somehow, that the message you sent me was important.
I’m so glad I listened to it. I still have to apologize, Connie.
” When I open my mouth to argue, he holds up a hand to silence me.
“I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t get this off my chest.”
I nod slowly, then grimace.
“I should never have asked you to leave. I was feeling really vulnerable, and I messed up. There’s no excuse, and I’m ashamed of myself for even making you get in that car after you’ve asked me repeatedly not to let you drive. There’s no excuse, and I fucked up.”
“Are you done?” I ask softly, and he makes a pained sound at the back of his throat.
“I don’t blame you for your state of mind.
Your mom just died, Ken.” He brings his knuckles to his mouth and bites them hard, clearly trying to snap out of the emotional pain he’s carrying.
But the load is too heavy. “I will never blame you for that. I will always give you what you need.”
“I need you,” he sobs, and I open my arms for him.
He settles next to me on the bed, fitting into my side perfectly.
He makes sure not to disturb any of my lines and watches my face for all traces of pain.
But I hold back as best I can, not wanting him to move.
“M-my mom is dead. And I almost lost you.”
“I know, baby,” I murmur, kissing the hair at the top of his head, the only place I can reach without straining. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t lose you, too, Connie,” Ken hiccups, holding onto the blanket tightly. “I don’t know how to survive without you loving me.”
“You’ll never have to,” I vow. “I’m here to stay.”
“I love you,” he says softly, and I squeeze him a little in reassurance. “I will always love you.”
“I know,” I reply with a smirk, and he narrows his eyes, pinching me lightly on my leg. I grin. “I love you too.”
Before he can say anything else, the door opens, and three people stroll in: a nurse dressed in royal-blue scrubs, and my parents.
Kenneth’s eyes widen, and he tries to jump off the bed, but I hold on to him tightly, regardless of how much my body screams in agony.
The nurse purses her lips but doesn’t tell him to get off me.
She’s looking at all the intact tubing connected to the pump, and she smiles at him.
“Mr. Moore,” Nurse Agnes, the same woman as last time, directs her attention back to me. “Are you in pain?”
I grimace and nod. “Yes.”
She asks me how bad my pain is, on a scale of one to ten, then leaves to get some medication to give me in my IV.
My parents take a step forward as soon as she exits the room, and Kenneth tenses, but gives them a soft smile.
My mom and stepfather seem to be at a loss for words, so I open my mouth to speak, just to close it again.
I don’t even know what to say. I kept him to myself all these months, and now they’re together in the same room.
I should feel ashamed that they knew nothing about him, but he’s the only thing that’s been just mine in this lifetime.
I didn’t want to give that up yet. Also, I guess part of me didn’t want to experience the same pain as last time if I lost him again.
“Hi,” Ken murmurs, trying to get up from the bed. I hold on to him tightly again, and my mom looks between us with a small smile now, too. “I’m Kenneth.”
My mom’s eyes widen, and then she grins. “I guess there really is a Kenny, huh?”
Kenneth’s eyes meet mine at her words, and I nod slowly. “Yeah, Mom. There’s always been a Kenny. I already said that to you.”
“Why didn’t you bring him around then?” Mom sounds hurt, but I can’t make myself feel bad about it.
“Because he’s mine,” I reply softly. “You didn’t believe he existed, and I wanted him to myself.”
She nods. “Do you love him?”
“He’s everything to me,” I tell her earnestly. “I’m going to marry him.”
Ken tenses next to me. “Conrad—”
“What?” I ask, slightly annoyed. “Are you saying you’re not going to marry me?”
“Well, I mean—I am, but—”
“Then it’s settled.” I squeeze him. “He’s mine, Mom. Forever.”
Her eyes soften. “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to find your person.”
“He found me,” Kenny says with a smile directed at my mom, though it feels like the smile is more for me than her. At least I hope it is. “Against all odds, he found me.”
My stepdad steps forward now, coming to Kenneth’s side of the bed and extending a hand towards him. He introduces himself, and Ken takes his hand gingerly. It brings a smile to my stepdad’s face, and it turns into a grin when Ken squeezes slightly.
“Welcome to the family, son,” he says, and Kenneth sucks in a sharp breath. No man has ever called him son. It makes me shaky, knowing someone made him feel like he mattered. I make eye contact with my stepdad, and he nods. “It’s very nice to meet you. You can call me Paul.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” Ken replies, voice trembling. Then he looks at my mom. “And you. It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Hughes.”
My mom grins and shakes her head. “Oh, sweetie, you can call me Natalie. Or Mom. You are going to marry my son after all.”
His eyes well up with tears. “Thank you.”