38. OUT OF TIME, OUT OF LUCK #2
“Oh, god,” Kenneth sobs again. “H-how—” he hiccups. “How do I get through this?”
“You let him love you.” She smiles shakily. “I love you, Ken.”
“I love you so much, M-mom,” he stammers, then shakes his head. “M-mom. Please don’t. Please.”
“I don’t think I have a choice anymore, sweetheart,” Alicia whispers, tears now streaming down her face.
“But I promise you, no matter where I am, I’ll always love you.
I’ll always watch over you. Look for me in the sunsets, the ocean, and the butterflies.
I’ll be right there. Everywhere you turn, you’ll feel me right by your side. ”
Ken nods quickly, as if those words bring him comfort. Those words bring me heartache instead. He leans in and kisses her forehead, and the monitor starts slowing down slightly, but it’s noticeable enough that Kenneth sobs again.
“It’s almost time,” she whispers, her voice getting weaker. “I can feel it.”
“N-no.” He shakes his head, grabbing her hand. She squeezes gently.
“Conrad,” Alicia calls out to me, and I come to her side. “Please keep your promise.” I nod, a knot in my throat I can’t seem to speak past. “And you have my blessing.” I frown, and she smiles weakly. “When the time comes that you want to marry my son, you have my blessing.”
I never thought I’d need those words until now, but it’s comforting to know she would want me to be with him forever. “I’ll take care of him now, Alicia. You don’t have to worry about anything anymore,” I whisper, tears streaming down my cheeks now. “I promise.”
With a last nod, she turns her face towards her son again, her eyes fluttering closed.
It takes visible effort for her to open them again and look at him, and I hear Ken’s teeth start to rattle with the force of his shaking.
I squeeze his shoulder gently, and he presses a kiss to his mom’s cheek. She smiles at him softly.
“I love you, Kenny,” Alicia whispers. “You’re my everything.”
Ken sobs. “I l-love you, mom. I’ll love you forever.”
She smiles again, and this time, when she closes her eyes, they don’t open again.
The monitor slows down until I’m holding my breath, afraid of what happens next.
When it eventually stops, Kenneth falls back on his ass, burying his hands in his hair and wailing.
I drop to my knees and hold him tightly, kissing his hair over and over again, trying to comfort him. But he’s inconsolable.
Kenneth sniffles after a while, and I cling to him tightly. This is breaking my heart, seeing him this way. It fucking hurts.
He sniffles again and pulls away, looking up at me. “I n-need—”
“Anything, baby,” I tell him, meaning it. “I’ll give you anything you need.”
“I have to be with her a little while longer,” he says, and I nod. “I need to be alone with her until the funeral home gets here.”
I frown. “Do you want me to leave?”
He nods. “P-please.”
“O-okay,” I whisper, scared now. But I promised him I’d do anything he needed right now, and if he needs me to leave, that’s what I’m going to do. “Do you want me to go home?”
“Yeah,” he says with a nod. “Here are my keys. I’ll drive my mom’s car when I’m done.”
I nod too now, grabbing the keys from his shaking fingers and getting up. He gets up too, giving me a tight hug and a gentle kiss. I take a step back. “I’ll be here when you need me, Ken.”
“I know,” he replies, smiling, but the wobble of his lips betrays him. “I’ll be quick.”
“Take your time.” I shake my head. “I’ll be okay.” I smile now, even though I don’t know if that’s true.
With a last squeeze of his hand and a trembling smile, I turn around and walk out as fast as I can.
It takes me no time at all to get back down to the parking garage, and by the time I’m in the car, I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack.
Maybe I should just call an Uber, but I need to get past this fear. I can’t not drive ever again.
Right?
I have to get over this fear.
For him.
I take a deep breath and start the car, deciding to take an alternate route back home.
I pull out of the parking spot and make my way out of the garage, light rain hitting the windshield.
Thank fuck it’s not storming yet. It’ll give me plenty of time to get home.
Instead of getting on the highway, I take the city streets as far as I can.
Until I hit one that has a construction barrier.
So I turn right and then turn right again.
Only to come up to another one of the same barriers.
It’s blocking my path, and I have no choice but to turn around and head left.
Before I know it, I’m spit out right onto the highway, and I start to hyperventilate.
No.
Not again.
I can’t fucking do this again.
My hands shake on the steering wheel as the rain gets as heavy as the last time I was on this same road, and I see the taillights in front of me disappear into what I’m sure is an exit.
There’s no message from Kenneth this time around, but it’s my turn to let him know that I think this is it.
So I pick up the phone and start recording a voice message.
“Hey, baby. I just wanted to let you know I had to get on the highway. I’m so—”
My stomach does that familiar flip as I get hit from my side again, my chest going hollow as the car flips and flips and flips.
I hear more than feel it spin with my eyes squeezed tightly shut, but I know I’m upside down now by the way the seatbelt cuts into my bladder.
My head crashes against the window again, making my ears ring, before the vehicle finally settles.
This time, I don’t scream. I should’ve known I couldn’t outrun this no matter what.
This is my fate. Maybe it’s time I accepted that.
It doesn’t stop the broken sobs tearing out of my throat, though.
I watch in horror for the second time as my voice note sends, my phone on the roof a couple of feet away from me, and I squeeze my eyes shut again.
I’m not even going to try to reach for it this time around.
I know it’s futile, and I have no energy left to fight this.
I’m going to fucking die here again, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
My body is limp with defeat and acceptance, and all I can do is try not to focus on the way the airbag is crushing me.
All I can do is wait for that lightning strike to kill me again.
My phone vibrates on the roof of the car and lights up with Kenneth’s name, and I watch with tear-filled eyes as his messages come through. The same messages as last time. If only he knew how heartbreaking this is for me.
Kenny: Baby? What the hell happened?
Kenny: Are you okay?
Kenny: Answer me right fucking now, Conrad.
There’s an incoming call from him, and it’s as if my body jolts awake, and I desperately try to reach for the phone.
I can’t, though, no matter how far I stretch.
I can taste blood in my mouth, and then I’m coughing, the metallic taste filling my throat.
Turning my head to the side, I throw it up, eyes wide and body shaking.
I remember exactly what comes after this.
Death.
Of course, my Bluetooth is still playing music, the same song as last time.
I shake my head again, my eyes stinging, and tears finally trail down my cheeks.
I lift my hand to my face and look at my bare finger, thankful he didn’t ask me to marry him.
It would’ve been even more painful as his fiancé.
My head starts pounding, and when I touch my forehead, I feel a deep gash.
My fingers are sticky with dark blood when I look at them, and I whimper.
“No,” I whisper. “Fuck this—no!”
I hear thunder in the background, loud and booming and sounding really close. A car honks its horn, and I lose my fight to stay calm. I hear tires screech, realizing that’s new. That didn’t happen last time. I yank on my seatbelt, wiggling, trying to get free. Nothing is budging.
“Help!” My throat feels raw from how loudly I scream, but I’m desperate now. Nothing matters except getting the fuck out of this car right now. “Someone help me, please!”
My door is yanked open, and I whimper, afraid the lightning is going to kill us both when I hear thunder again. I need to get out. Get out. Get the fuck out!
“Stay still, baby,” Kenneth’s voice says loudly. Kenny. It’s Kenny. Oh my god, how did he get here? When did he—“I’m getting you out.”
“I’m s-stuck, Ken!” I yell, getting desperate. “My seatbelt is stuck. Get back! Get the fuck back, Ken! The lightning—”
But Ken does something, and suddenly I’m free, and he’s hauling me out of the car.
My hands get cut on the glass littering the gravel, but still, I crawl out quickly and don’t stop until we’re several feet away from the crash.
I hear sirens, and I realize Kenneth must have called 911.
I sob loudly, and Ken hangs onto me tightly.
Before I can blink again, lightning strikes the car, setting fire to it.
I scream right along with Kenny, and we push back even more.
“That could’ve been me,” I whimper. Ken holds onto me tighter. “You saved me—”
“I got you, Connie,” Ken replies, but my vision is swimming. I shake my head to try to clear it, but it hurts badly. I remember I have a huge cut on it, and try to lift my hand to touch it again. But I can’t.
“Ken—” I slur, and the next thing I know, there are black dots clouding my vision. “I don’t think—I don’t feel so g-good—”
“Conrad?” Kenneth’s voice is full of panic now. “No, don’t close your eyes, baby. You have to stay awake. Help!” he screams, and my body goes cold. I start shivering, and before I know it—
Everything goes black.