38. OUT OF TIME, OUT OF LUCK
OUT OF TIME, OUT OF LUCK
It’s been six days since our fight. Since Kenneth walked out and left me.
I’m not sure what I would’ve done if he hadn’t found me a couple of hours later, but I’m glad I never had to find out.
Emerson is taking his sweet time to come around, saying Ken should’ve blindly believed me from the beginning, but I can’t really hold it against Kenneth.
It did sound pretty crazy. I’ve tried putting myself in his shoes, and while I think I would’ve given him a chance to explain everything to me the first time around, I can acknowledge how it sounds.
But my friend, my best friend, wants nothing to do with excuses.
I love him for it too, even if he’s being a pain in the ass and trying to convince me to make the love of my life suffer a little bit longer.
He said I forgave him too fast, but doesn’t he understand I can’t stay mad at him?
I don’t even think I understand it sometimes. But it’s my reality.
Kenneth has kept his promise so far, though, not letting me drive for any reason.
We have been taking Ubers to visit his mom, and it kills me to know it’s almost her time.
The nurse told Ken, too, but he’s in denial, saying it can’t be time yet.
It breaks my fucking heart, especially knowing this is it, and I can’t fucking tell him.
All I can do is comfort him when we inevitably get that call today.
Which is why I’ve been urging him to hurry up and get ready.
I need him to say his goodbyes to his mom.
He can’t have regrets about their final moments together.
He needs to say everything he feels, hold her hand, kiss her one last time before she’s gone for good.
He needs to hear how much she loves him and know that even though he’ll be an orphan now, he will never be alone in the world.
He’ll always have me. Only his mom will be able to make him understand that.
Now all I need to do is stay with Kenneth, no matter what.
I can’t get in a fucking car tonight, or I know I will die.
Today is my day, and I feel fucking nauseous over it.
I didn’t want to tell Ken, but he pried it out of me—the exact date of when the car wreck happened.
Now he won’t let me out of his sight, which is comforting and everything I need right now.
I feel safe with him. As long as I’m by his side, everything will be okay.
At least that’s what I keep repeating to myself every five fucking minutes.
Everything will be okay. There’s only one thing I haven’t told Ken—
“I need to know, Conrad,” Kenneth says, clearly exasperated. “How did you die?”
I sigh. “I already told you—in a car wreck.”
“Yeah, but you never said exactly what happened,” he huffs. “I need you to fucking tell me.”
“You don’t need to know the details, Ken,” I reply, but he’s pacing—back and forth. Back and forth. He’s losing his mind. “It’s hard enough to know I did die.”
“Which is why I need to fucking know!” He hasn’t lost his temper like this—well, ever, really. Which is why it’s such a shock to my system when he yells. I flinch, and his features soften immediately. “I’m sorry, baby,” Ken whispers. “I didn’t mean to yell.”
“It’s—”
“—not okay,” he finishes.
I nod, knowing I’m about to give in. “I was on my way out of town. It was raining—no, it was worse than that. It was a thunderstorm. The rain was coming down so hard that I couldn’t even see the taillights in front of me.
I was going to pull over to the side of the road.
At least I think I was. But you sent me a message, and I guess I got distracted replying and didn’t see the truck about to crash into me. I think they were changing lanes.”
“So it’s my fault,” Ken sobs. “I-I—”
“No, baby.” I close the distance between us, grabbing him by the back of the head and hauling him into me. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and sobs. “I shouldn’t have opened the message—that’s on me. But I’m glad I did. It was important. I needed to come home.”
“What if we run?” Ken whispers, pulling away.
I frown. “We can’t outrun this, Ken. It’s going to happen if it’s meant to happen.”
He shakes his head. “No. I won’t let it happen. I can’t fucking lose you, baby.”
I open my mouth to reply, though I’m not sure exactly what to say. But then his phone rings, and he pulls it out of his back pocket with a frown. When his hands start to shake, and he turns pale, I know exactly who it is.
“Answer it,” I whisper, but Ken just shakes his head. “You have to.”
Reluctantly, Kenneth accepts the call and brings his cell phone to his ear.
“Hello?” Someone talks to him, and though I can’t hear what they’re saying, I know exactly what they’re saying.
“No. It’s too soon,” he whispers. “Tell her I’m coming.
” And then the call is done, and he falls to his knees and sobs uncontrollably.
I drop to my knees beside him and hug him tightly against my body as he cries and cries, but I don’t ask him about his call.
A few minutes later, he wipes his face and pushes away from me softly, clearly not wanting me to feel rejected.
Then he turns to me and says the two words I’ve been afraid of hearing.
“It’s time.” His voice cracks. “I have to get to her.”
I nod. “I’ll order the Uber—”
Kenneth shakes his head. “No. I’ll drive. I can’t wait around for a car.”
I nod slowly. “O-okay.”
“I won’t let you drive,” he tells me, trying to reassure me in a time when I should be reassuring him. It makes me feel like scum.
“It’s okay, baby.” I shake my head. “Let’s go.”
He nods, and we grab our jackets and shoes and don’t even bother changing out of our pajamas.
Kenneth grabs my hand as we run to the parking garage, and then he grabs it again when we get in the car, holding on tightly.
It feels like my bones are about to break, but I don’t dare say a word about it.
The streets are surprisingly empty, probably because of the wind advisory.
Thirty miles per hour winds will keep people home, I guess.
The dark sky looks silver from the rain clouds that are clearly about to fucking explode, but I try to ignore everything.
Try to shut out the bad thoughts. It works for a while.
Until we pull up to his mom’s apartment building and park in the empty parking spot next to her vehicle.
That’s when all my worries rush back into my brain, screaming at me, begging me not to leave.
“It’s going to be okay, Ken,” I soothe him as we get into the elevator and he stifles a sob.
I pull him into my arms and hug him tightly as we climb up.
I watch the way the floors change as we ascend, the numbers mocking me.
“You’re going to tell her you love her. You’re going to say goodbye.
And then I’m going to take care of you forever, okay? You’ll never be alone ever again.”
“Swear it,” he sobs. “Say you swear.”
“I swear, baby,” I whisper just as the doors open. “Hey, look at me.”
Kenneth makes eye contact with me, blue eyes overflowing with the biggest tears I’ve ever seen. Is this what I looked like when my dad died? Fuck, it hurts to see his heartbreak. It feels like someone’s stabbing me in the chest.
“I love you,” I tell him. “I love you so much, okay?”
His bottom lip wobbles, his chin trembles. “I l-love you too.”
“Let’s go.” I grab his hand and drag him out of the elevator. It doesn’t seem like his legs have the strength to carry him to his mom’s door. Or maybe that’s his mind that won’t let him.
Ken knocks on the door, and a second later, as if she’s been waiting next to it the entire time, the nurse opens up. Rachel looks at us with wide eyes, stepping aside to let us in.
“What you’re going to see—” she starts, but Kenneth interrupts her.
“I get it, Rachel.” He breathes in deeply. “I know it’s going to be hard. I’m going to calm down now, and then I need a minute alone with her.”
She nods, and I look at him with wide eyes. When he starts to walk down the hallway without me, I make myself comfortable against the wall, but he stops in his tracks, clearly searching for me.
“Conrad?” he whispers. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Giving you time,” I reply softly.
“Get your ass over here,” he snaps, and I stand up quickly, getting to his side at record speed.
We walk into the room, the beep-beep-beep of the machines a comforting sound for once.
Alicia lies eerily still in her hospital bed, and Kenneth looks like he’s about to crumble into a million pieces.
I grab his hand and squeeze once, letting him know I’m here, then let go.
When he makes it to her bedside, his entire body is trembling, and he presses his head against the mattress next to her hip.
I know he’s trying to keep his sobs in, but it doesn’t work for long, and that seems to wake her up.
Alicia opens her eyes slowly, as if it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done, and frowns. When her hand searches the bed, her fingers touch his head, and she strokes his hair for a few moments before he lifts his head and looks at her. It’s the most heartbreaking sight I’ve ever seen in my life.
“M-mom,” he sobs, and she smiles gently. “P-please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you.”
Her eyes well up with tears. “Yes, you can, sweetheart. You’re so strong. You can do anything you set your mind to.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit right now, mom,” Ken cries. “I’m going to be all alone in the world now—for real this time. I’ll have no one.”
“You know that’s not true, Ken,” she breathes, clearly lacking the strength to carry on a full conversation, but pushing through anyway.
These are her last moments. Her last words.
And they’re to comfort him. “You have Conrad now. He’ll always take care of you—he promised me.
And I know he won’t break that promise.”