30. Two Sides of a Tarnished Penny
THIRTY
TWO SIDES OF A TARNISHED PENNY
? Save Tonight - Eagle Eyed Cherry
NOAH
“Auggie. Time to wake up, buddy.” I’m not sure why I’m speaking. He can’t hear me. I jostle him slightly, trying to rouse him from sleep. If he could hear me, I’d remind him it’s Christmas morning, and Santa paid a visit to Clio’s apartment.
He groans, rolling from one side to the other.
He’s started doing this thing where he’ll keep his eyes closed in the mornings if he’s not ready to get out of bed. That way he can ignore me completely, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it short of dousing him with water. Not that I’d ever do that.
In a last-ditch attempt to get him out of bed, I pull open the curtains, and sunlight floods the room. There’s still snow on the ground, which makes everything outside these four walls almost unbearably bright.
“Noooo,” he whines, using his forearm to cover his eyes.
I pull on his hand, but it pops right back into place.
Finally, I give up and pull out my phone to call in reinforcements.
Me: Can you come over?
Princess: Be there in a few.
Me: Doors unlocked.
Five minutes later, soft footfalls carry down the hallway, and Clio appears at the door in a set of red pajamas with Christmas cookies all over them. She places a matching set in my hands. “Go put these on and I’ll take care of Auggie.”
I shove them back toward her. “No. No way in hell am I wearing matching pajamas.”
“You will because you want Auggie to have Christmas magic, remember?”
“You can’t guilt me, princess.”
“I just did, sunshine. Go on. Be a good boy and put on your matching pjs.”
“Fucking hell,” I mutter as I trudge to my own bedroom and slip into the ridiculous garments, begrudgingly participating in my personal hell.
The fabric smells like her, making it a little easier to bear the humiliation. My heart lurches as I realize this is our last day together. It all ends tomorrow.
When I return to Auggie’s room, he’s already dressed in his set, ears on, his eyes wide as he talks a mile a minute. I stand in the doorway and watch them with my heart in my throat, trying desperately to commit this to memory.
“Uncle Noah!” Auggie rushes over to greet me, hopping up and down on his feet. “It’s Christmas! Can we go open presents now?”
I lift him into my arms. “That’s up to Cici, bud. She’s in charge today.”
“Please, Cici.”
“Well, alright then,” she says. “Let’s go. Christmas magic awaits!”
Clio hands me a cup of black coffee in a reindeer mug and takes a seat beside me on the couch. Auggie’s elbow deep in his stocking as she brings a matching mug of steaming liquid to her lips. “What’d I miss?”
“Not much.” Lexi reaches under the tree and pulls out another gift. “Noah. This one’s for you.”
“Me?”
“Mhm.” She hands me a small green gift bag. “It’s from Mom.”
I set my coffee down on the table. “You didn’t have to get me a gift.”
Clio laughs. “Wait until you open it first before you say anything.”
I reach into the bag and pull out a small bundle wrapped in tissue with a ribbon tied around it.
Inside is a hand-knit beanie that matches the one Auggie brought home from school last week, mostly grey with horizontal teal stripes, only this one doesn’t have a pompom on the top and it says ‘Uncle Noah’ on the front.
I can’t remember the last time I received a Christmas gift made with this much care—probably before my mom died. I must linger too long.
“Do you like it?” Clio asks, her voice tinged with apprehension.
Despite the voice in my head telling me not to, I pull her into my arms. “I love it, princess.”
Behind her back, I bring the beanie to my nose, the scent of orange blossom flooding my senses.
At least I’ll have this to remember her by when it’s all over.
I keep thinking of her in the past tense as though she won’t be right across the hall, but that’s not enough.
I’ll forever be left thinking about the time when she was… mine.
I summon enough strength to let her go and slip the hat onto my head. “What do you think?”
“Perfect.”
She’s perfect, and I’m a damn fool for thinking I can walk away from this—from her. How can I stay when I have no future to offer?
“Thank you. I have something for you, too.” I walk over to the tree, pick up the envelope I slipped between the branches earlier, and place it into her upturned palm. “It’s not much. Just something for you and Lexi.”
Why am I nervous?
Clio slips her index finger under the fold and pulls out two passes to the romcom festival at the Grove next spring.
“Opening night is all Richard Gere movies. Starting with—”
“Pretty Woman?” She squeals and throws her arms around my neck. “Thank you, Noah. This is perfect.”
Her fingers tangle in the hair at my nape. Our eyes meet and my thoughts quiet. Against my better judgement, I lean in and press my lips to hers. Her eyes drift shut, and I let mine follow, knowing this could very well be the last chance I get to kiss her.
I wonder if she feels it too, this gut-wrenching sense of impending doom that’s been simmering beneath the surface for weeks. It’s like standing in front of an avalanche that’s moving in slow motion; we could run, but it would be useless, so we stand there and wait for it to bury us alive.
If anyone could convince me to run, it would be Clio.
CLIO
This day has been bittersweet from one moment to the next.
I’ve done everything I can to black out the heaviness in the air, but there’s no ignoring it anymore.
Lexi took Auggie back to Noah’s apartment an hour ago when the sugar crash hit.
Noah stayed behind to help me clean up the aftermath of a successful Christmas Day, but now, it’s time for us to part ways.
Like Cinderella, at the stroke of midnight this relationship turns back into a pumpkin, but there’s no happily ever after waiting down the road.
Noah slips his beanie into his back pocket and picks up the bag of gifts Auggie left behind. “I should go.”
A lump lodges itself in my throat, and I silently will him to stay at the same time bracing for the inevitability when that fails.
A tear tracks down my cheek. I can’t move. Can’t speak. Couldn’t do either even if I tried. Noah steps closer, cradling my face in his palm. Does he know he’s holding my heart too?
His thumb ghosts over my cheek, wiping away the evidence of my pain. “Need you to do something for me, princess. Need you to find someone who loves you in a way I never could. Someone who sees you for who you are and doesn’t settle. Someone better—someone… stronger.”
I want to scream at him. I want to beat on his chest and tell him he’s better and stronger than any man I’ve ever known, but I know it wouldn’t change anything.
He has it in his head that he’s incapable of love, and I don’t have the capacity to prove him wrong because I have it in mine that I’m incapable of being loved.
We’re two sides of a tarnished penny, and no matter what side it lands on, we both lose.
I curl my hand around his and press it to my lips, pinching my eyes shut as my heart splinters. “Goodbye, Noah.”
I let his hand drop and take two slow steps back. As his fist closes around the doorknob, he glances back over his shoulder like he wants to say something.
Tell me this isn’t over.
Ask me to stay.
Say anything.
He doesn’t, and in a heartbeat, he’s gone.