38. For The Best
THIRTY-EIGHT
FOR THE BEST
? You’re Losing Me - Taylor Swift
CLIO
Auggie’s nose is practically plastered to the glass between his flattened palms as Lexi holds him by the waist so he can see the ice cream in the case. He points to the rainbow one in the back row, licking his lips.
“I want that,” he says.
Lexi sets him back on his feet and orders them each a scoop of rainbow ice cream in a waffle cone with sprinkles. She carries on toward the register.
I’m so entranced by the view, I forget to follow behind them.
Noah’s fingers thread between mine, and he tugs me along.
When I open my mouth to place my order, he recites it perfectly before I get the words out.
“She’ll have the dark chocolate mocha in a chocolate chip waffle cone with two cherries on top, and I’ll have a scoop of vanilla. ”
While the teenager behind the counter works on our order, Lexi and Auggie head over to a booth near the windows.
Noah wraps his arms around me from behind, his scent enveloping me.
A flood of warmth spreads through my chest. Not so long ago, gestures like this were for show.
Now, I savor each one, knowing how much effort it takes for Noah to let anyone in, let alone allow the whole town to see this side of him.
I spin in his hold, slipping my arms around his neck. “I think you’re going soft, Noah Weston.”
His knuckles trace the contours of my face like he’s trying to map its curve for more of his sketches. “Only for you, princess.”
“Order up,” the employee says.
I take Lexi and Auggie’s cones, and Noah grabs ours, then we head over to the booth and slide in across from the kids. Auggie licks his lips as I hand over his rainbow monstrosity.
He dives in face first, smearing it all over his chin and nose.
Lexi laughs, shaking her head. “It tastes better than it smells, little dude.”
“S’good,” he mutters, completely missing the joke and going in for a second mouthful.
I pluck the first cherry off the top of my ice cream and slip it into my mouth, closing my eyes and savoring the flavor on my tongue.
Noah’s gives my thigh a light squeeze. When I look over at him, his pupils are blown.
His lips ghost over the shell of my ear, and he whispers gruffly. “I’m hanging on by a thread here, so unless you want me to take you out back and fuck you senseless, you need to stop doing that.”
Goose bumps skitter across my skin. “It’s not my fault you can’t control yourself,” I whisper back.
“No, but it is your fault for being so goddamn tempting.”
I take the second cherry and do the same. His grip tightens, and he lets out a low, “Fuck.”
“Down, boy.” I shoulder bump him and jut my chin towards the kids.
They’re too busy to pay us any mind. Auggie’s ice cream is melting down his hands and Lexi’s doing her best to mitigate the disaster with a bunch of napkins.
“Here. Take this.” I hand my cone to Noah and step out of the booth. “Come on, Super Auggie. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
I take him into the family bathroom and wet a few paper towels, wiping the sticky substance from his hands and face. It’s still all over the front of his shirt, but there’s nothing I can do about that at present.
Noah’s not in the booth when we return. Lexi’s still where we left her, holding onto my ice cream with one hand while she takes the last bite of her cone.
“Where’s Noah?” I ask.
She swallows. “He went outside to take a call, but he said he’ll be right back.”
“Ok…” I take the ice cream from her and slide back into my seat.
Noah returns a few minutes later, thin-lipped and shoulders set in a hard line. “Are you ready to go?” he asks, his voice devoid of any warmth.
My heart leaps into my throat as my fight-or-flight instincts engage. “Lexi, why don’t you take Auggie home to get changed? We’ll meet you there in a little while.”
“Sure.” Lexi stands and tosses the pile of napkins into the trash. “Thanks for the ice cream, Noah.”
“Any time, kid.”
“Bye, Cici,” Auggie says, wrapping his arms around my legs.
I return the embrace. “See you later, buddy.”
Noah ruffles Auggie’s hair before they leave hand in hand, talking and laughing, and my heart swells with pride.
A drop of chocolate ice cream lands on my thumb, and I lick it off, cleaning up the sides of the melting cone. “Take a walk with me?”
He nods once, tossing his own half-melted ice cream into the trash can. Without a word, Noah holds open the door and waits for me to exit. I dig into my ice cream, hoping the sweet treat will distract me from the dread coiling in my stomach.
As we pause on the sidewalk outside of Saps & Swirls, Noah’s thumb swipes across my bottom lip, and he brings it to his mouth, licking it off. Our eyes lock and hold for one tense moment before he breaks away and swallows hard. “Where to?”
I reach for his hand, but his fingers don’t curl around me the way they normally would. I try my best not to read too much into it, but it unsettles me all the same. Nothing makes sense right now. Everything feels… wrong.
I shove down the panic threatening to drown me, instead focusing on the sidewalk, hoping for a sign and maybe a little luck from Aunt Penny—anything but this overwhelming sense of dread.
NOAH
Jonah’s getting out.
Everything after that—the explanation about new evidence and an alibi—is a blur. Emma is ecstatic, and I don’t know how to feel. A good person would be happy to have their brother back, but truthfully, I’m petrified.
This last year hasn’t been easy, but I’ve finally come to terms with my life and everything that led me here. I’ve grown accustomed to having Auggie in my life. He’s happy. Thriving, even. We built our little family with Clio and Lexi. Jonah getting out throws a massive wrench in all of it.
He’ll take Auggie back, then he’ll self-destruct all over again, and we’ll be right back at square one. I love my brother. I will always love my brother, but Auggie deserves stability. If wanting to keep my nephew safe with me is selfish, then I’ll gladly wear that badge.
This is exactly why I tried to keep Clio at arm’s length.
I didn’t want this part of my life to touch her.
She clawed her way out of a life she didn’t want and built this new one for herself brick by brick—I can’t let Jonah walk back in and blow it away.
I won’t let my past ruin her future. I refuse to live with that on my conscience.
I tighten my grip on Clio’s hand, needing the connection. If this is the last time, let it go on forever.
“Do you want the rest?” She offers me the last bite of her ice cream cone—the part she knows is my favorite.
Her hopeful smile pierces me. I want to commit her to memory, etch her into the very marrow of my bones this time. Ink and charcoal aren’t enough.
I lean forward and take it into my mouth, but it tastes like ash on my tongue.
The sun slips behind a dark cloud, and a shadow grows rapidly overhead. The distant crash of thunder is our only warning before rain pours down on us.
Clio squeals, dragging me away until we’re tucked safely under the gazebo in the town square. She’s smiling and laughing, soaked from head to toe. Anybody else would look like a drowned rat, but not Clio. Never Clio. She’s sunlight even in the midst of a summer storm.
I shake out my hair like a dog coming in from the rain, and she covers her face with her hands. A sad smile blooms across my face. I pull her into my arms for a kiss, a short-lived reprieve from my spiraling thoughts.
I cradle her face in my hands and swipe my thumbs under her eyes. She holds onto my wrists like she knows this is the end. My lips brush hers for what has to be the last time, and I stay there, savoring the moment for as long as I can.
When I finally pull away, her expression is pleading.
“Don’t,” she whispers. “Whatever this is. Whatever you’re about to do, don’t.”
“Give me your phone.”
“Why?”
“Just do it.”
She hesitates for the briefest of moments, then, with a trembling hand, places her phone in my upturned palm.
I linger on the lock screen photo of us before Lexi’s prom for only a second, then I tap into her calendar and set a daily reminder for her to take her meds, ignoring the churning in my gut.
Handing back her phone, I press my lips to her temple, then take a long step back. “I can’t do this anymore.”
It will hurt now, but it’ll get better over time. At least that’s what I’m telling myself as the first tear rolls down her already damp cheek.
“Don’t do this, Noah.” Her voice was barely a whisper beneath the downpour raging around us.
“I heard you the other night, you know? You said the one thing I will never be able to give back to you, and it’s not fair of me to take that from someone else.”
She shakes her head, her bottom lip quivering.
“You deserve someone who can love you back. That won’t ever be me. You knew that from the start. This was always supposed to be temporary.”
Anguish turns to anger, her hands fisting at her sides.
“I always knew you were an asshole, Noah Weston. I never thought you’d be stupid, too.
” She steps toward me, pressing her palm against my chest, resting over the heart that’s breaking with every word.
“I know you don’t want to hurt me. You’re doing this because you’re scared of what this is. What we both know this is.”
She’s fighting like hell to save what’s left of us, but it’s not enough. It’ll never be enough. I steel myself, masking the pain as best I can. I never wanted to hurt her, but if this is the only way to save her from future pain, I guess I have no choice.
I run my fingers through my hair, tugging at the roots. “I’m not programmed to love anyone, let alone someone like you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I care about you, Clio, but sometimes… sometimes you’re too much.”
She rears back as if I’ve slapped her. In a way, I guess I did. I open my mouth to speak, but she cuts me off.
“Stop talking,” she chokes out the words between heaving breaths. “If you ever want a chance to come back from this, you won’t say another word. I am begging you. Please. Walk away before we break.”
Time slows to a crawl, and I see the hurt rolling off her in waves like a physical, tangible thing. I pinch my eyes shut and lower my face to the ground as I turn and walk away. My feet don’t feel like they belong to me as I leave behind the only woman I’ll ever love.
My name is a quiet plea that follows me all the way to the apartment. I want to go to her. Tell her I’m sorry, and I made a mistake, but I can’t. This is for her own good, even if I hate myself more with every step I take.
I walk past the apartment door where I know Lexi and Auggie are waiting for our return. Instead, I head straight to the fire escape, waiting for the regret to subside. It doesn’t. I tell myself it’s for the best, but it does nothing to fill the gaping hole where my heart used to be.
Beneath the guilt and the self-inflicted wounds is the gut-wrenching reality that despite my best efforts, I love her.
I love her, and it’s fucking agony like I knew it would be.
In the end, I was too much of a coward to ever say it out loud. She’ll never know, and maybe that is for the best.