Chapter Nine #4
“I don’t know if I’m that kind of woman.
” Maddie dipped her chip. She knew Autumn would understand what she meant.
Maddie saw nothing wrong with casual sex, it was just that she’d only ever done it a few times before and she had never really enjoyed it, so she’d sworn she’d never do it again.
Plus, she hadn’t had sex in years. The idea of going to bed with someone made her feel nervous.
“Fair enough.” Autumn nodded, turning to look at her.
Maddie tried to straighten her face, but she couldn’t.
She knew she was in a mess. She’d not taken a single shred of joy from her little brother’s jesting about being attracted to James.
She’d felt possessive. His joke had made her feel sick.
She hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone about it because she felt like she might be going crazy.
Unfortunately, her feelings of fear had continued to build through the evening, and she needed to tell someone.
Maddie looked right back at Autumn. Autumn sighed. “Something about him being here is bringing you back to life,” she whispered. Those words were all it took to tip Maddie over the edge. She started to cry. Autumn held her arms open for her, pulling her into a hug.
Safe in her friend’s embrace, Maddie realised Autumn was right.
James’ presence was bringing her back to life.
She hadn’t even noticed she’d been metaphorically dead until she’d belly-laughed five days ago and realised it was the first time she’d done so in years.
She’d started singing again, and become playful.
She was thinking about starting yoga once more — a hobby that used to bring her great peace and joy — and she wanted to paint and try wild swimming.
Maddie’s curious nature had disappeared several years ago and she had put this down to growing up, but she could see now it wasn’t that.
When Bowie had died, the innocent part of her, the child within, had died with him.
Her sole focus had shifted from caring for her brother to making sure she didn’t cause her family any pain or worry.
Something about James was bringing her back to herself.
Perhaps it was because he understood exactly how she felt.
There was no need to hide the deep sadness within her, but also no need to make mourning her entire personality.
Maddie could be herself around him, without worrying that seeing her sad or happy might affect him in the way it would her parents and siblings.
She felt free to be herself again now that she had a friend.
She was deeply enjoying this new phase of her life, and knew there was more to be enjoyed — but she was also very much afraid of the consequences of letting go.
James would leave eventually. She would be sad again. Maddie wasn’t sure she could bear it.
“I’m so sorry, please don’t think I’m daft,” Maddie said.
Autumn pulled away and held Maddie at arm’s length. “Why would I think you’re daft?”
“I don’t know, I just feel silly. This might be nothing. Why does it feel like... everything?”
Autumn shook her head, smiling knowingly. She looked like she was about to cry herself. For want of anything else to do, Maddie dug through the wrappers until she found another chip and ripped it in half, passing the biggest half to Autumn. Her friend accepted it graciously.
“Bowie did this to me,” Autumn said. “Honestly, after our first night together, I felt like I might die if I didn’t see him again soon. He was all I could think about. You know me, Mads. Can you ever imagine me simping over a man like that?”
Maddie laughed heartily, because she couldn’t imagine it.
She said nothing because Autumn hardly ever spoke to her about her romantic relationship with Bowie and she didn’t want to interrupt her.
She knew Autumn and Marley talked about their feelings for Bowie all the time, though, having permitted themselves to mourn all the ways Bowie had shown up in their lives, as Marley’s friend and brother, and Autumn’s friend and lover.
“He did something to me nobody else has ever managed to do,” Autumn said.
“Marley is my soulmate, I believe that now wholeheartedly, but I’d never have been open to the kind of love we have if it hadn’t been for Bowie and what we shared.
It was... It was like... I’m a writer, for God’s sake, and I can’t describe it. ”
She threw a spring roll across the greasy takeout paper, frustrated. Maddie sighed and grabbed her hand. They sat in silence for a moment.
“Bowie saved me,” Autumn continued. “He didn’t mean to, but he did.
And you know me, Mads, I hate this narrative.
I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him, he didn’t do anything particularly special.
It wasn’t that my life was without fun or empty of happiness before he appeared, it’s just that he was his best self when he was with me, and I was my best self when I was with him.
I felt safe and so did he. So, when our worlds collided, it was this beautiful.
.. thing. It opened me up to everything I have now and made me the woman I am. ..”
Autumn stared at the table. Maddie watched her friend and felt suddenly very sad. They should be taking time to talk about this stuff more often. She vowed to make clear it was OK for Autumn to come and talk to her about her love for Bowie whenever she wanted to.
“I find explaining it to anyone else really difficult,” Autumn said.
“Even Marley.” Facing Maddie, her eyes glistened with tears.
“The only person who will ever know what it felt like is Bowie, and he’s gone.
And perhaps it felt that way because he was going, I don’t know.
But I do know that there was magic in it.
There had to be magic in it somewhere. You know I never believed in that stuff.
I was adamant everything was a fortunate coincidence.
Bowie thought the same. Bluebell and I used to argue about it all the time, but, honestly, I’ve given it years of thought, and concluded there’s no other explanation for it. ”
“I’m scared,” Maddie admitted. “I’m scared of that feeling. I’ve never felt it before and I know it would be wonderful, but what do I do when he leaves me to go travelling? How do I cope then?”
“You just do,” Autumn said, shrugging her shoulders.
Maddie was frustrated by that. She wanted a clear plan, a strategy, a way of moving forward if she fell in love and had that love ripped away from her, but Autumn — who knew more about this than anyone — couldn’t give her one.
“If I can survive Bowie dying, Maddie, you can live through James going travelling,” she added.
Maddie felt like she was being scolded, and she probably deserved it. She narrowed her eyes comically at Autumn, who grinned in response. “All right, Ms Reality Check,” Maddie said. Autumn laughed, and Maddie couldn’t help it, she laughed, too.
“Life is too short, Mads,” Autumn continued.
“Honestly, it really is. And even if it isn’t, and we’re lucky enough to be rattling around here when we’re ninety, do you really think you’ll look back on your life and think, ‘Gosh, I’m so glad I didn’t shag that really funny, sweet, good-looking man when I was thirty-three.
Thank God I protected myself from having my heart broken’.
No. You’ll look back and think, ‘I wish I’d let that sexy bastard give me a good seeing to’. ”
Maddie giggled, blushing. “You’re disgusting,” she said, shaking her head.
“I’m right, though, aren’t I?”
Maddie nodded with a sigh. “Yeah,” she conceded. “You’re right.”