Chapter Ten
Maddie knew what she wanted, but that didn’t mean she had the nerve to do it. Over the next few days, she tried to increase the flirty banter and instances of prolonged eye contact between her and James, but he either wasn’t taking the hint or was waiting for a stronger indication of consent.
One afternoon, the day before Bluebell was due home, three days before Christmas, he took her to get a tattoo to commemorate Bowie, and she was absolutely certain something would happen.
They’d agreed to take a day off work and drive to Norfolk, where they’d spend the day on the beach in Hunstanton, a pretty little town with a big, beautiful coastline.
James insisted it was home to the world’s greatest tattoo artist, a man he had gone to university with, called Ryan.
He promised her Ryan would do her tattoo idea justice and do everything he could to make her feel comfortable, so he was well worth a four-hour round trip.
“Plus, we can rent out a beach hut and stroll by the stripy red cliffs. There’s a café on the beach, and I know for a fact they sell vegan cakes because I googled it.”
Maddie was already sold on the idea, but she enjoyed James’ enthusiasm, so pretended to falter.
“Please come to Hunstanton with me and get a tattoo from Ryan,” he begged. “It’ll be the best day ever, I swear.”
“Fine.” She grinned. “But I need you to actually book a beach hut, as I have never been in one — and there better actually be vegan cake.”
The day was cold and the air was crisp. They set off early in the morning, stopping for coffee and pastries on the way.
Maddie was driving, so James was in charge of the music.
He spent the entire journey searching for songs she would remember from her teenage years.
They started with the indie tracks they’d danced to at university, then moved onto 00s movie soundtracks, then boy bands.
He monitored her reaction to each song and followed the thread of her excitement, until they ended up at the Spice Girls.
“Which Spice Girl were you?” James asked.
“Geri,” Maddie said. “How about you?”
“Posh Spice.” He didn’t miss a beat. Maddie laughed so hard she spat her coffee on the dashboard. James grinned at her reaction, pouting his lips in imitation. Maddie shook her head.
“You’re a goof,” she said.
“I am when I’m around you.” He turned back to his phone, presumably to choose another song.
Maddie knew she should say something, but she was afraid to.
After her conversation with Autumn, she’d been sure pursuing James was the right thing to do, but now she’d lost her confidence again, frustratingly.
It wasn’t because she didn’t think it was a good idea — he was a distraction from her troubles, which had to be a good thing.
Yes, he’d be leaving, but Autumn had embarked on a relationship with Bowie when she’d known he was dying, and she said it was the best thing she’d ever done.
It wasn’t because she thought he might reject her, either.
She knew with one-hundred-per-cent certainty he wouldn’t.
It was actually because she worried she was messing him about.
She’d given him permission to kiss her then told him they couldn’t be anything more than friends.
Now, just a week later, she was changing her mind again.
She knew there was a good chance he’d ask her why the sudden change of heart — the issues she’d presented as excuses were still there — and she’d have no answer to that, except that her feelings for him had grown stronger since that morning in the kitchen.
Back then, he’d been an irritatingly attractive man who worked for her.
Now, he was the first thing she thought about when she opened her eyes in the morning, and the last thing she thought about at night.
Just looking at him made her lips tingle.
He wanted her, and she liked him too much to resist him any longer.
She wasn’t sure how he’d react if she told him all that.
He might think her too complicated for him, that it had been fine when there’d been no feelings present but that now it would be silly to take the next step.
He might say he couldn’t bear to potentially lose her as a friend, or that he didn’t want to hurt her, or use any one of the countless other excuses men often use when women propose anything besides mindless fucking.
She didn’t want to be rejected like that.
She’d be irreparably disappointed he did, in fact, turn out to be no different from any other man she’d ever met.
The whole thing was a giant mess and Maddie wished she could get out of her own head, but this stuff didn’t come naturally to her.
There was no way for her to control everything to the best of her abilities if she wasn’t perpetually trying to figure everything out.
And Maddie really wanted to control all things. It kept her safe.
They arrived just before midday. The skies were a moody grey and promising rain, but they didn’t let that dampen their spirits.
They parked a fifteen-minute walk from the beach, five minutes from Ryan’s tattoo shop.
He was expecting them, but still reacted as though seeing James was a complete surprise.
The two men marched into each other’s arms, holding each other tightly.
“I’ve missed you, man,” Ryan said.
“This is Maddie,” James said, breaking their embrace. Ryan held out his hand, seemingly thrilled to meet her.
“Hi,” Maddie said, accepting his greeting.
“It’s lovely to meet you. James has told me so much about you.”
Maddie was surprised at that. James was in a group chat with a bunch of lads he’d known since he was young — she often saw him laughing away to himself as he typed a reply out on his phone — but she hadn’t anticipated he might have mentioned her name in such a conversation, let alone told his friends about her. She was secretly thrilled.
Ryan, who looked to be almost seven feet tall, led the way from the foyer of his little shop into a room at the back.
The space was clinically white and spotlessly clean.
The walls were covered in photographs of incredible tattoos — entire sleeves stitched together from individual artworks, giant back tattoos, birds, flowers, portraits and landscapes of all shapes, sizes and colours.
Maddie and James spent a couple of minutes admiring Ryan’s portfolio.
He stood back and watched them, visibly proud.
“These are amazing,” Maddie said.
“Thank you very much.” Ryan grinned.
“I almost feel bad asking you to tattoo me with my simple little design,” Maddie confessed.
“What is it?” Ryan made his way over to her. James nodded reassuringly when she caught his eye. She fished the note out of her bag and laid it carefully on the table. Bowie had written it for his family just a few days before he’d died. James and Ryan took a moment to read it.
My Loves. Autumn has taken me to London for the day. We needed to get out. I know it will give you no comfort to know we’ve taken every precaution we can. Please, try not to worry. We’ll be in touch later today.
Forever yours, with infinite love, Bowie x
“My brother Bowie wrote this,” Maddie explained to Ryan. “He passed away not long after. I’d love you to tattoo that last part — Forever yours, with infinite love, Bowie x — in his handwriting, if you wouldn’t mind?”
Ryan carefully picked up the note and admired Bowie’s penmanship. “What a lovely way to sign off a note,” he said.
Maddie smiled. “Bowie was a real poet. A songwriter, actually.”
“Same thing.” Ryan nodded.
“Yes, well, this note was beautiful, but all of his notes were beautiful. This one is unusual only because it was the last he ever wrote...” Maddie’s words caught in her throat.
That wasn’t strictly true. Before she’d helped him take his own life, she’d asked Bowie to write a suicide note for his family.
Loves. I’m so sorry, I can’t stay.
Yours evermore, Bowie x
To avoid an inquest and prevent Bowie’s cause of death being registered as ‘suicide’ — when it was undoubtedly lymphoma and its terrible symptoms that had in fact ultimately killed him — Maddie had suggested they shouldn’t disclose the note to anyone official.
None the wiser, the doctor had signed off Bowie’s death as being due to his terminal illness.
Less than an hour after his body had been collected — while her family were drowning in grief — Maddie had clutched the note to her heart and taken it into the garden.
She’d lit the firepit, read it one last time, then tossed it into the flames, collapsing in a heap as it burned.
Remembering the extent of her grief, tears streamed down her cheeks afresh.
“Hey.” James was bursting with concern. He put his arms lovingly around her and pulled her into his chest.
Maddie was embarrassed. She hated crying in front of other people, but she couldn’t help herself.
She felt Ryan move away from them and heard him leave the room.
She was so grateful to him. Maddie buried her face in James’ sweatshirt and sighed.
He squeezed her tightly to him, rocking her gently.
“Take your time,” he murmured. Maddie wound her hands in the fabric of his jumper and nodded, resigned to giving herself a few minutes to collect herself.
“I’m so sorry,” she said eventually, pulling away. James was shaking his head. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“Maddie, you don’t have to explain this to me of all people,” he said. Maddie gazed up at him, but didn’t let go of his clothing. She felt warm and safe. She saw his eyes flit to her lips and knew he was stopping himself from kissing her. Her mouth twitched tellingly. James shook his head, amused.
“What is this thing we have about kissing whenever one of us is crying?” he said.