Chapter Sixteen #2
She felt her stomach flip and, despite the fact James had told her not to worry, she realised she was nervous about their conversation tonight.
She felt certain he was going to tell her he wanted to be with her — it was unfathomable that he would choose to leave her, given the strength of their bond, and that was exactly what was scaring her.
What if he completely blindsided her and announced that he was, in fact, going away, that he wanted to take a break while he was gone, or to break up completely?
What if he said he was going away but he wanted to stay together?
That would be better than the other two options, but it still wasn’t ideal. Maddie felt sick.
* * *
She successfully managed to push her impending conversation with James out of her mind and be fully present for her afternoon with Autumn, Bluebell and Benjamin.
They migrated to the living room to watch cartoons, eat chocolates, drink wine and chat the afternoon away.
At five o’clock, Maddie went upstairs to shower and start getting ready.
At half five, Bluebell and Autumn came upstairs to help her with her hair and make-up.
Maddie tried on both outfits for them and, though she loved the little black dress, she didn’t quite feel confident enough to wear it, so she settled on the jeans and nice top combination that made her feel safe.
She could dress the outfit up with heels or down with boots.
The jeans were light-blue denim and the top a black bodysuit with a sweetheart neckline and sheer sleeves.
She put in a set of dangling earrings and Bluebell added some texture to her hair with a straightening iron, then helped her position a velvet headband.
She took one last look at herself, added a smidge of red lipstick for colour and decided boots would be best. Then she waited until Autumn had put Benjamin in the bath before she sneaked downstairs and out of the front door.
When he asked where she was, Autumn and Bluebell were going to tell him she’d gone to bed early.
James was right on time, waiting outside in the cream 1990s Rover Mini he shared with his mother.
Her bag was already in the car — she had sneaked it into his boot at his request the day before — so she hopped straight into the passenger seat, gave him a peck on the lips, and then they were on their way.
“Where are we going?” Maddie asked, excitedly.
“Ware,” he said. Maddie had suspected the market town would be their destination.
It was a short drive from their village, just ten minutes or so, and it was quaint and beautiful.
“Our hotel is called the Velvet and it’s gorgeous.
It has a restaurant that has pretty good reviews so I reserved a table there for eight o’clock, but we absolutely don’t have to eat there if you would rather go somewhere else. ”
“Sounds good to me,” Maddie said. James pulled onto a country lane, then he reached for her hand. She cradled his palm with her own, stroking his wrist with her thumb.
“I think my mum might be on to us,” he said.
Maddie snapped to attention. “Don’t panic, it’s all good.
She didn’t say it, but I could just tell by the way she was looking at me.
She didn’t seem to believe me when I implied I was meeting a stranger for a first date, in fact, she asked me what you were up to this evening. It was... pointed.”
“Oh, God!” Maddie groaned. Jennifer and her own mother had been spending more time together recently, visiting each other at home, and popping out for coffee and brunch.
If Jennifer suspected, it was only a matter of time before she spoke to Emma about it.
Perhaps they’d compare notes on this evening.
“Maddie,” James said, squeezing her hand. “I want you to think very carefully about why this bothers you so much. The idea of people knowing about us, I mean.”
Maddie sighed and shook her head. She already knew why it bothered her so much, but she didn’t want to have the conversation until James had told her what his plans were. She didn’t want her fears for the future to sway his decision.
“Are you embarrassed of me?” he asked. Maddie stared at him, aghast.
“Are you kidding?” she asked. “Why the fuck would I be embarrassed of you?”
“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “If it’s not that, I can’t figure it out.”
Maddie supposed that made sense. She felt terrible. She wanted to tell the whole world this man was hers, that she was his, but she wanted to be sure they really did belong to each other. She didn’t know what to say, so she held his hand up to her mouth and kissed it.
“I’m not embarrassed of you,” she said.
“Then what’s going on?” he asked.
Maddie sighed and stared out of the window.
She too did not understand why she was feeling like this.
She just knew that before she told everyone the details of her personal life and how happy she was, she absolutely had to be sure that this was for keeps, and she wasn’t yet.
So much was up in the air, there was so much about their future that was unclear.
The people who loved her would ask her questions and she had no idea how to answer them.
They would have concerns and she would have no idea how to calm their fears.
James loved her family and telling him this might change his mind about what he wanted to do, and Maddie cared too deeply about him to let that happen.
She sighed. It was a mess. Right on cue, James spoke.
“You know I’m crazy about you, don’t you?” James said. “I could follow you around for the rest of my life just trying to make you laugh and I’d be the happiest man on the planet.”
Maddie turned to look at him. He was staring intently at the road, blinking rapidly. She got the distinct impression he was holding back tears.
“You’ve changed my life, Maddie,” he said.
“I never, ever thought I would feel at home again in the village. I had such a happy childhood until we lost Harry. Some of my greatest memories were made in that home, on these streets, and then it was all gone, in an instant. When I came back here I couldn’t wait to leave again, but now.
.. there is nowhere in the entire world I would rather be than here with you. ”
He was holding onto her palm so tightly that their hands were sweaty, despite the snappy January air and an ancient car heating system that worked intermittently.
“Mum and I stayed in together the other night. We sat and watched TV together and laughed. That might sound stupid if you do it all the time, but for us, it was so important. I went to the shop to buy ingredients and we cooked together. When she went to bed, she said goodnight. If you’d told me six months ago my mum and I would share a joke, that we’d laugh together, that she’d kiss my cheek before she went to bed, I’d never have believed it. I still can’t believe it now.”
Maddie gave in to her own tears. James, whose eyes were mercifully focused on the road, did not notice.
“I know we were going to wait to have this conversation over dinner, but I can’t hold it in anymore.
I just want to be with you. Properly be with you.
Here, at home. I want you and me and our tiny village and ‘the big house’.
I want your gorgeous family and my mum, Pigglesworth and Stevie Licks.
I just...” He slowed as they entered Ware, and took the opportunity to look at her.
Maddie self-consciously wiped her face with her sheer sleeve.
It did little to dry her cheeks. James groaned.
“Tell me those are happy tears,” he pleaded.
Maddie laughed and nodded, feeling pathetic.
He rewarded her with the floppy side-smile she knew she’d never get enough of.
“I was out there looking for something that was here the whole time,” he said, suddenly serious once more.
He indicated to pull over, and Maddie saw their home for the evening, the Velvet, a short walk away, at the top of the high street.
James artfully parked the car, but did not turn off the engine.
Instead he unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face her.
He stared straight into her eyes. “I’m falling in love with you,” he whispered, reaching out to touch her cheek.
He frantically brushed away her tears with his fingers, then cupped her face in his hands.
Maddie laughed again, swiping frantically at her own face.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
James leaned in to kiss the tip of her nose. “Don’t apologise,” he murmured. “But I have to ask, why are you so worried about people finding out? Are you sure you’re not embarrassed of us? Of me? We’re from such different backgrounds...”
“God, no!” Maddie said. James looked sceptical. “I promise, James, there isn’t a single part of me that’s embarrassed of you.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
Maddie shrugged. “I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m just... scared.”
James looked thoughtful. “These are big feelings.” He shrugged. Maddie smiled and nodded. He was right, they were. The biggest happy feelings she had ever felt, in fact. Her tears were warranted. “You are mine, aren’t you, Maddie?” he whispered, self-doubt creeping across his features.
Maddie desperately wanted to say yes, but she couldn’t.
Before they tumbled into this mess of emotions, she needed to be absolutely sure he’d let go of the part of himself that longed for something completely different, something she could not — would not — give him.
Her home was here, with her family. She had long since given up wanting anything except to be beside them.
Sure, they would travel away from her — away from the house and Bowie’s resting place — for periods of time, but Maddie had no desire to do that.
She knew who she was and she knew what she wanted.
She just wasn’t one-hundred-per-cent sure James did.