Chapter Sixteen #3
“Are you mine?” she asked, searching for words he’d said to her once. “I thought you belonged to... adventure, unpredictability and the open road?”
His eyes crinkled in their corners and he smiled seeming, suddenly, to understand.
“Is that what you’re worried about? That I’m going to run away, or one day I’ll wish I had?
Mads, I haven’t given a single thought to travelling since.
.. I can’t remember the last time I thought about it.
I know this is all happening so quickly, but my heart is here, with you.
I really hope you’ll believe me. It’ll break me if you don’t.
I wish I could bottle up the way I feel and show it to you somehow.
You’d never have to ask me if I was yours ever again if you could physically see it in front of you. I promise.”
There was something so desperate in the way he was talking to her, as though he might explode if she didn’t believe him.
It was exactly the tone she needed, exactly what she had been hoping for.
She really, truly believed he had changed his mind, and of his own accord.
She grabbed his hands, still pressed against her face, and nodded.
“Then I’m yours,” she said, smiling a little stupidly.
James grinned goofily, and Maddie knew, in that moment, they were the two happiest idiots on the planet.
* * *
She had thought she’d want to get out and roam the streets of Ware with James, but when she saw their room at the Velvet, she understood why he’d booked the restaurant downstairs.
The hotel was small, with only six bedrooms. Theirs was on the third floor of the tall, narrow townhouse.
It was painted a deep, royal blue, and had a four-poster bed and a freestanding tin bath set before two giant windows. They looked out over the high street.
“We can give people a show later, if you like,” James quipped.
Maddie laughed, running her hands across the oak furniture and admiring the art on the walls.
There were long candles set in brass candleholders dotted around the room, and a teeny, tiny log burner in one corner.
The bed covers looked thick, heavy and expensive.
“James, this is too much,” Maddie said, overwhelmed.
“Do you like it?” he asked. Maddie nodded, touched by the thought he must have put into choosing somewhere he knew she would like.
“Then it’s not too much,” he said, dropping their bags and joining her at the window.
Maddie caught sight of a flash of red and tracked a robin with her eyes.
It landed on the sill and stared through the window, hopping happily from side to side.
She smiled and turned to James, who was also watching the robin, no doubt whimsically concluding this was a visit from his own brother in the same way she was adamant it was a message from hers.
She squeezed his arm to get his attention and gazed up at him. “It must have cost a fortune,” she said.
“Stop, please.” He reached for her hand. “I wanted to treat you.”
Maddie felt a little guilty, but she also couldn’t help but beam.
Internally resolving to take him away somewhere at her expense as soon as she could, she stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his, snaking her arms around his waist and pulling his body close to her own.
James wrapped his arms around her shoulders and they stood like that for a good few minutes, connected everywhere, kissing greedily.
As they did, Maddie marvelled at how happy she felt and how quickly things had turned around.
Just a few short months ago, she had been lonely, anxious and lacking hope.
She felt like a brand-new person, like anything was possible, and the future was no longer a means to distract herself from the pain of the past, but something to look forward to.
Eventually, James pulled away. “I hate to break this up because I am actually gagging for you, but I’m also starving,” he said.
“Quickie?” Maddie suggested. His eyebrows shot up in surprise, and she felt a flicker of excitement course through his body, his desire pressed against her torso.
He pushed her back towards the bed, grinning.
They toppled upon it, giggling happily, their bodies entangled.
James set about undressing her immediately, ripping off her jeans and pulling down his own trousers, his urgency evident in the pace of his breath and the speed of his actions.
She, too, was breathless with desire. She manoeuvred him away from foreplay and insisted he enter her immediately, moaning with relief when he complied.
Despite their agreement, their sex was not quick, it was slow, tender and passionate.
Maddie hadn’t thought this side of their relationship could get any better, but their conversation in the car had freed something within her, and the romantic setting — the mood lighting, the privacy, the luxurious bed — added to the intensity of the experience.
The sex lasted well over an hour, but Maddie didn’t want it to end.
She couldn’t get enough of him. The moment his body left hers, she wanted him back again.
“I promise we can do it all night,” James said. “But I need feeding or I won’t have the energy.”
Maddie laughed at that and it made him smile.
They re-dressed quickly. As they did, Maddie worked hard to squash a feeling of foreboding, a concern bubbling up from somewhere deep within her, determinedly trying to douse her fiery happiness.
She had barely known this man for four weeks, but she was falling in love with him, and he with her.
She was heading for a level of happiness she had never dared dream she’d know.
She only wished it was with a man who hadn’t wanted something else with such mad passion so recently.
It didn’t make her feel safe. Maddie had no fear of James cheating on her or disrespecting her in any way — if he did either of those things she would hurl him out of her life in a heartbeat — but she was worried she would hold him back and he would grow to resent her.
She was concerned she had accidentally presented him with an ultimatum that, if he stuck to his original plan to live abroad most of the time their relationship would end, and so — while languishing blissfully deep in the throes of obsession that so often comes with a budding romance — he felt like he had no choice but to stay here and foster it.
Perhaps he even wanted to. Her concern was that he would regret doing so when the novelty wore off.
“Ready?” He interrupted her deep thinking.
Maddie nodded, smiling at his reflection in the mirror.
He stared at her for a few seconds, as though it was the first time he’d ever laid eyes on her, before marching determinedly towards her and wrapping his arms around her from behind.
He pulled her close. “God, you’re so gorgeous,” he said, his breath against her neck.
She felt him harden, his erection pressed against her bum.
“Stop.” Maddie groaned. “Or we’ll never get out.”
He kissed her then held out his hand for her to take. They made their way to the restaurant downstairs.
* * *
They both chose pasta dishes. Maddie opted for a tomato-based bake, James selected a vegetarian creamy mushroom and courgette carbonara.
Maddie chose the wine, a bottle of red, and they settled in by the fire, the only two punters in the Velvet’s quaint, kitschy restaurant.
Because he was hungry, James ordered bread with vinegar and olive oil, then he fidgeted impatiently, his face twisted in discomfort.
“I haven’t eaten all day,” he explained. “I was so nervous about our chat tonight, I couldn’t stomach anything.”
“Why?” Maddie asked. She knew why she’d been nervous — she’d had no idea how he was going to answer her questions about him travelling — but she was sure she’d been clear about how she felt about him, so she didn’t understand why he’d be worried.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged, thoughtfully. “Actually, I do. I’ve never asked anyone to be my girlfriend before. You’ve never made me worry about how you feel about me, so it’s not that, but I’ve also never been in a situation where I could be rejected and I’d be bothered.”
Maddie tutted. “That must be nice,” she said.
“Sorry.” He shrugged.
“Pretty privilege.” Maddie sighed, shaking her head.
“Fuckboyery, more like,” James said, wincing in clear mental discomfort.
“I was so ordinary at school, so gawky and awkward. Invisible, really. I don’t know what the hell happened when I went to university, but suddenly girls found me attractive.
I grew into my looks, I guess. Started dressing better, smelling better.
I didn’t know how to deal with it and I didn’t bother to learn for a long time.
I just did what I wanted and never thought about the consequences.
I’d spent so long feeling miserable in the wake of Harry’s death and because of my issues with Mum, I just didn’t care about anything but myself.
The way I look helped bring people to me, sure, but that wasn’t what made me push them away.
I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. Ghosting and the like.
I had no business messing around with anyone, given my insides were all over the place.
When I think about it now, it makes me feel terrible. ”
“Hard to disagree,” Maddie said. “It’s easy to remain emotionally avoidant and push people away when you’re fit and you know the next one isn’t too far away.”
James thought about that. “You’re right, I reckon,” he conceded.