Chapter Seventeen #3
Maddie theatrically stuck out her bottom lip, nodding sadly.
It was true, she was never her best self in winter, and that was partly because her favourite form of exercise was undoubtedly walking.
She loved the snow when it came, the way it glistened in the sunlight and crunched under her boots, and she liked crisp winter mornings.
But she hated the dark because she never felt safe, so her evening walking ceased as the darkness expanded between autumn and winter — a thick, black, heavy blanket across an otherwise enchanted landscape.
“You should get yourself a dog,” Jennifer said. “Most of them are daft as rags these days, but they offer a little protection, at least. A dog would make someone think twice, I reckon.”
“That’s a good idea,” Maddie said. “We have Stevie, of course. I could walk her in the dark, I suppose, though I’m not sure she’d be much good if someone attacked me.”
Emma laughed. “She might kiss them to death,” she said, clearly doubtful.
Maddie smiled, content. For the first time in a long time, she felt as though things were moving mostly in the right direction, towards a happiness she finally felt she deserved.
James’ promise, mere minutes ago, to stand beside her and help make the business work had doused her remaining nerves.
She knew what she was doing and where she was heading. She felt capable and strong.
Unbeknown to her, Maddie was sitting in a ‘time before’ moment.
She had no way of knowing that everything was about to change.
When she thought about it later, she’d swing wildly between wishing she’d never been so deluded and being glad that she had been, at least for a little while, more content within a relationship than she’d ever thought possible.
When Jennifer replied, she spoke her words pointedly. “Yes, but you won’t have her for very much longer. When James goes away, he’ll take her with him.”
Maddie’s heart somehow sank and quickened at the same time.
She felt like it was beating backwards, as though it were trying desperately to go back in time.
She felt her mother bristle beside her and knew Emma was seeking her gaze, but Maddie didn’t dare look at her.
She didn’t want to make it obvious she was devastated by Jennifer’s assumption James was still planning on leaving, either because he hadn’t bothered to tell her he wasn’t, or because there really was some separate, secret plan to go.
While neither scenario was good, the first was obviously preferable, though that didn’t make her feel at ease, either.
As far as Maddie knew, things between James and Jennifer were great.
There should be no reason he hadn’t shared his plans for the future with her.
She felt hollow, like someone had gouged out her insides, so when James returned and put a soya cappuccino and a red-berry croissant before her, she found them both so unappetising she had to stop herself from pointedly pushing them away.
“I got you a blueberry muffin, Mum,” he said, returning to the counter to collect the rest of their order.
Jennifer, who had not asked for food, nodded her appreciation to his back, her worried gaze settling on Maddie, who was quite sure she looked like she was going to be sick.
She knew herself well enough to know what this would do to her.
Any indication James was hiding anything from anyone would push her back into the safety of her solitude.
He was back in seconds, settling himself in the seat opposite Maddie and beside his mother, so consumed by a giant raspberry-and-white-chocolate muffin he didn’t notice the switch in the atmosphere at the table.
He immediately set about devouring his sweet treat, pausing only to take little sips of his latte.
Maddie couldn’t bring herself to look at him, so she stared at a crumb on her plate, wishing she could return to ‘the time before’, swearing she would cling to it tenderly, fully appreciating its value and beauty.
Her head was empty of all rational thought.
She was catastrophising in a way she hadn’t for over six years, back when life was bursting with uncertainty and every experience had been tiring and sad.
Eventually, Jennifer broke the silence. “I was just suggesting Maddie gets a dog to fill the gap when you and Stevie leave.”
James froze, his mouth half full of food. His eyes darted immediately to Maddie, as she had known they would. She dared to meet his gaze, knowing he would read the fear etched in her expression. He chewed frantically, desperate to answer.
“I’m not going away,” he said. There was only one right answer and that had been it, though it didn’t make Maddie feel any better.
This was an old conversation. She’d thought they’d moved past it, that everyone knew he was staying here and they were going to be together.
Maddie’s disappointment didn’t shift. It lay heavy on her chest.
Jennifer stared at James, confused. “What do you mean, you’re not going away?” she asked. “What about Italy? We were talking about it just the other day. You had that interview. You said they loved you!”
Maddie wanted to get up and walk out. She wanted to run through the streets and scream.
She wanted to move to the woods and never see anyone again, or get in a boat and sail away.
If she couldn’t go back in time, she wanted to go forward six months from now, to a time when she would hopefully no longer feel the jumbled mess of emotions wreaking havoc with her blood pressure, leaving her feeling light-headed and weak.
“I told you not to mention this to anyone,” James said.
Jennifer reeled. “I thought you’d have told them by now.”
“I also told you it wasn’t a sure thing,” he said, his eyes still on Maddie. “That I probably wasn’t going to do it.”
“You said it was an incredible opportunity,” Jennifer said.
James nodded pointedly. “I also said I don’t want to leave Maddie.”
“And I told you that if Maddie really loved you then you’d make it work,” Jennifer said. “I said you’d be silly not to do it and we ended the conversation there. This is your dream, James. To travel and work. To live abroad, where every day is different. It’s always been your dream.”
James widened his eyes at his mother, pursing his lips in a pointed manner. Jennifer faltered, turning her attention back to Maddie.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any drama. Maddie, darling, I thought you knew.”
Maddie realised they were both telling the truth, but that didn’t make her feel any better. She hadn’t yet told James she loved him, but she did love him, and Jennifer’s words were bouncing around in her brain.
‘If Maddie really loved you then you’d make it work.’
“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry,” Jennifer said, her eyes bursting with concern.
Maddie took stock of her facial features and realised she was dangerously close to crying.
She blinked rapidly, shaking her head and trying to force a smile on her face, but she couldn’t manage it.
Beneath the table, she felt her mother grab her hand.
“Perhaps we should go,” Emma said, squeezing. James nodded, moving to stand. “Just us,” Emma said, her tone sharp. Her message was clear — I want to talk to my daughter alone .
James’ eyes went wide. He stared straight at Emma, his gaze pleading. “This is a misunderstanding,” he insisted, his voice cracking.
“I’m sure it is,” Emma said, not unkindly.
James’ eyes flickered to Maddie. “Oh, God, don’t.
..” he whispered, breathless. He reached across the table, his palm outstretched, beseeching her to touch him.
Maddie was reminded of the theatricality that first attracted her to him, but she kept her hands firmly under the table, where her mother’s grip gave comfort.
James wiggled his fingers, growing visibly frantic when she didn’t respond.
“Please don’t,” he said. “Yes, I had the interview, but only because I was curious. I wanted to see what would happen. This is a mistake, that’s all. ”
Maddie nodded, swallowing hard. Beside her, Emma was texting someone.
“Shall we go, darling?” she suggested, popping her phone back in her bag.
Maddie nodded, letting go of her mother’s hand.
James shook his head, desperate, his own palm still open, his fingers splayed across the table like a sacrificial offering.
“I’ll chase you if you leave,” he said. “I’ll get on my knees and beg, Maddie. I’ll make a right dick of myself, I swear.”
“Please, don’t do that,” Emma said, standing. “You know Maddie hates being the centre of attention. You can sort this out later, just the two of you. Right now, Maddie needs to go home.”
Maddie took her mother’s cue and stood, fumbling with her winter jacket and almost knocking over her abandoned cappuccino.
James watched her. His expression dropped, his despair evident.
His arm was still outstretched and he looked down to stare at the table.
His mouth was slightly open, his hair stuck out the way it only did when he had run his fingers through it in frustration.
He looked as far from his true self as he could possibly be — meek and small.
That frightened Maddie in a way she hadn’t been expecting.
She’d never thought herself capable of destroying a man, but she could see now that she could ruin this one if she chose to.
That might make some women feel good, feel safe, but it didn’t make her feel that way.
Instead, she felt the weight of the latest item added to her ‘to-do’ list — Protect James’ heart .
“We’ll talk later,” she reassured him. He snapped to attention and gazed up at her hopefully.
“You’re everything, Maddie,” he said, choking on her name.
Beside him, Jennifer put her head in her hands.
Maddie nodded and faltered, as desperate to put some space between them as she was to hold him in her arms. She’d never felt so confused.
Luckily, she had Emma to guide her. Her mother grabbed her hand and tugged her gently towards the door. Hand in hand, they left.
As she walked out of the door, she heard James draw in a breath, a tangible depiction of the torture he’d endure until he could make this right, and the worry he’d feel that he couldn’t.
It made her want to turn around, but instead she fell into step beside her mother, fat tears rolling down her cheeks.
Through the haze of her despair, she could see Marley’s car waiting on the corner.
Her brother sat in the driving seat, watching them approach.
Maddie wanted privacy, but she wasn’t mad her mother had texted him — she didn’t have the energy to walk home.
She let Emma help her into the passenger seat.
She avoided Marley’s gaze. Mercifully, he didn’t say anything.
Instead he reached across to squeeze her hand, told her he loved her, then set off home.