Chapter Eighteen #3
Maddie was shocked. She knew James was an intuitive person, but she had not expected him to know her quite this well — as well as her own brother did.
Just a few short weeks ago, in ‘the time before’, Marley had expressed his concerns about whether or not she was putting her heart in the right hands precisely because of this tendency of hers, and she had insisted she was sure she was.
Now, here they were, her and James, discussing what he had done to cause her to revert back to harming herself on behalf of others, because seeing the people she loved in distress was the greatest pain she could ever imagine, and she’d rather die than endure it.
“I don’t know what else to do,” she said, exasperated.
She was telling the truth. This was all she’d known since Bowie.
She had helped her brother to die because he had wanted to.
She had hidden her depression about it from her family because they had needed her to.
Whenever there was an opportunity for Maddie to bear the burden of something to save the people that she loved, she would do it because she didn’t know how to do anything else.
“I don’t understand what’s happening here,” James said, stepping towards her and grabbing her hands. “I thought you wanted marriage and kids and all that good stuff.”
“I do,” Maddie said.
His eyes flickered back and forth. She knew he was searching wildly for an answer and then, as she’d known he would, he jumped to the wrong conclusion. He released her hands. “Just not with me?”
“Yes, with you!”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“It’s not what you want,” Maddie said.
“Yes it is !” James said. Maddie stared at him.
She didn’t know what to say to that. They had talked about it, but still, she hadn’t expected such a blatant declaration of his intentions, and it had rendered her speechless.
She watched his features soften. He gazed down at her, worry written all over his face. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
Maddie faltered, then shook her head. She didn’t know what she believed anymore.
James turned away to throw his hands in the air in exasperation.
“I had the interview just to see what would happen. It was stupid, but I’ve been striving for that kind of job security for so long, I just wanted to prove I could do it if I wanted to.
Then I got it. I contemplated it for a split second, and then I decided on you.
It’s not as complicated as you think it is.
There’s no hidden meanings or subconscious regrets, I swear! ”
“You told me before that the only time you ever felt yourself was when you were travelling,” Maddie reminded him.
“That was true until you.”
“So, what, you’ve just changed your mind?” she asked.
“Yes!” he said, clearly exasperated. He stepped towards her again, his eyes pleading.
“You changed your mind, Maddie. I’m pretty sure a husband and a family were the last things you thought you wanted when we first met.
Are you going to try to tell me now that my appearance in your life didn’t force you to consider it more deeply? ”
She didn’t know what to say to that, because it was true.
Until James, there had been no cause to consider what she wanted, because getting married and having children had seemed so far removed from potential future prospects there had been no point.
Meeting James had changed her mind — she had fallen head over heels in love, and when she’d carefully considered it, taken the time to ask her heart what it really wanted, it had been a resounding yes .
“Why is this different?” he goaded her. “Why are you allowed to change your mind, but I’m not allowed to change mine?”
Maddie shrugged despondently. “I don’t know.”
“Great,” James muttered, turning away again. He continued to pace back and forth. Suddenly, he stopped, his features laden with dread. “Is this over?” he asked her.
Maddie shook her head, blinking rapidly. That wasn’t what she wanted, not at all. “I hope not,” she said.
He stared at her. Maddie saw his eyes fill with tears and knew he was about to cry.
She didn’t know what to do next. Her head felt jumbled.
She was immeasurably tired and was being forced to endure the very thing she hated — watching someone she loved in distress.
“So, you want me to go and live in another country,” he said. “But you want us to stay together?”
Maddie nodded, only because that seemed closest to the conclusion she was coming to. She hadn’t had time to properly draw up a plan, but this solution seemed like it might be the best of both worlds. She wouldn’t feel like she was holding him back, but he would still be hers.
“Even though I’ve told you I don’t want to go,” he said.
Maddie nodded again. “You do want to go,” she said. “You just don’t want to go without me. If I told you I’d come with you, that I’d give all of this up and go with you, you would go, wouldn’t you?”
“Of course I would, but you don’t want to, so I’ll stay here with you,” he said.
“But I wouldn’t give up the recovery retreat for you,” she said. “If you said you were going travelling and it was over if I didn’t come with you, I would let you go.”
“So,” he said, petulantly.
“So,” Maddie echoed. “That’s what is making me uncomfortable. You’re giving up your dream for me.”
“So?” he said again, irritated this time.
“Maddie, it doesn’t matter what you would or wouldn’t do in a hypothetical role reversal.
This, right here, what is happening now, is the true situation.
This is real life. The only thing that should matter is that the man standing in front of you wants to be with you wherever you go.
I promise you, I would happily spend the rest of my life doing exactly what you want to do, worshipping every bit of ground you choose to walk on, and I’d be giddy through all of it. ”
“Exactly! You’re so wonderful. Perhaps you should be with someone who wants what you want instead of being with someone like me.”
“Someone like you?” He stepped towards her.
“Maddie, you’re the greatest human I have ever met.
You’re sweet and goofy and kind and funny and caring and devoted.
What you’re trying to do is both the sickest and the sweetest thing I have ever known anyone do for another human — though it kills me to say it, because I wish you would stop. You’re beautiful, and I love...”
She put her hand over his mouth. “Don’t,” she begged.
She couldn’t bear to let him say the words.
Not here, like this, in a tone laden with sadness and out of desperation instead of giddiness and glee.
He said them anyway, but his voice was muffled and hardly intelligible, so she closed her eyes and pretended she hadn’t heard them.
After a moment or so, she let her hands fall listlessly by her sides and forced herself to look at him.
His lips were pursed tightly shut, and all the hope had gone from his face.
She knew he was finally understanding there was nothing he could say to change her mind.
She wondered if he, like her, was marvelling at the fragility of happiness.
It certainly looked like whatever he was thinking about was as tragically flawed as the concept of love — which Maddie had come to realise was blissful only when it didn’t shatter the heart. When it did, it was pure torture.
They stared at each other for a little while.
She thought he might try to touch her, or say it again, but he didn’t.
Instead, he waited until he was sure she wasn’t going to say those all-important words back to him.
Then he turned and walked away, leaving her alone in the purest declaration of love he could ever have given her: the beautiful new version of Bowie’s old bedroom.