Chapter Eighteen #2
From her spot in the orangery, she saw James trundle up the drive with Stevie Licks in tow.
His head was low, his movements slow. He looked sad and scared, and she had to stop herself from jumping up and running to him.
She forced herself to wait until he’d had enough time to get inside, then headed for the kitchen.
She timed it just right. James was halfway across the room when she entered.
He stopped, stock-still, clasping his hands together as though he was a naughty school child waiting for admonishment.
She gestured towards the hallway and he nodded, waiting for her to lead the way, and followed close behind her, his footsteps heavy with foreboding.
Maddie was heading for the orangery, but as they passed Bowie’s old bedroom, he grabbed her wrist, tugging for her to stop.
“Let’s go in here?” he suggested.
Maddie was surprised. “I didn’t think it was ready yet?”
“It’s almost done. I really want you to see it. Please?”
Maddie relented, stepping cautiously towards the door.
She already suspected she was going to be blown away.
This was a cheap attempt by James to change the direction of the conversation by reminding her how thoughtful he was and how much effort he was willing to put into projects to make her happy.
She should say no, but her curiosity got the better of her.
James grinned and opened the door slowly and dramatically, standing back so she could enter first. She gasped. She was not disappointed.
He’d built a large bookcase from floor to ceiling, complete with compartments of various sizes for decorative impact.
The casing curved around the room, so the bookcase continued between the top of the door frame and the ceiling, completely covering two walls.
It was accessible by a sliding ladder, which Maddie could tell ran all the way around the room.
She marched over to test it, sliding it backwards and forwards. She couldn’t help herself, she beamed.
“How did you know I’ve always wanted one of these?” she asked.
He shrugged. “Women who love books always do,” he said.
Maddie laughed softly, then turned to take in the rest of the room.
In its centre sat a heavy-looking desk, fashioned from large slabs of tree trunk.
It had been varnished a rich, mahogany brown.
It was littered with trinkets, including a vintage banker’s lamp, just like one she had commented on during their stroll around Ware.
“That’s the actual lamp you liked. I went back and got it for you,” James answered her questioning gaze.
Maddie had thought as much. She nodded, turning her attention to several photo frames carefully arranged in one corner of the desk.
She didn’t dare look at their contents properly — Bowie was in several photographs and Maddie already knew they would make her cry.
She admired a set of three wooden trinkets instead, each about the size of her fist. The first was a pig, the second a robin, and the third was a set of wooden bunk beds.
“I have some more to make,” he told her. “I want to make a welly boot, to remind us of that day in the snow, and a little set of boxes with a carrot in them, to remind us of the time we played Carrot in a Box.”
“Broccoli in a Box,” she corrected him, trying and failing to suppress a smile. He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders.
“I can make a broccoli instead,” he said. “I thought I could make them as we go through life, and you could add them to your new bookcase.”
Maddie didn’t know what to say. There was so much to take in.
The rest of the room was tastefully painted a pretty light green, and decorated with patterned side tables, lamps with textured shades, floral vases and textured rugs.
There was a squishy cream armchair that looked like it had been lovingly restored, dried flowers, a mantel clock with a ticking pendulum, and several plants of various sizes around it.
It was beautiful. She took in a deep breath, searching for that familiar smell — the lingering scent of Bowie’s cologne she was absolutely sure was in her head — and smiled when she found it. She was relieved. He was still here.
“Everything in here is second-hand,” James said. “Rescued and repaired, just for you.”
Maddie didn’t know what to say. She turned on the spot in an attempt to take it all in. On her second lap, she noticed a hand-drawn, framed picture on one wall. She stepped towards it, and saw James tense.
“Benjamin drew that,” he said. “I asked him for a picture of the house and this is what he came up with. I hope it doesn’t upset you.”
Maddie smiled as her eyes roamed over the drawing.
She admired the house, and her family sitting on the porch.
Pigglesworth Snortimer and Stevie Licks were there, as was James.
There was another man in the garden, a blond man, drawn lighter than the others.
His presence confused Maddie for a moment, then she realised it was Bowie. She gasped, and started to cry.
“Oh, no, please don’t.” James stepped towards her, reaching her in record time. He faltered before he touched her, clearly unsure if it was appropriate. She marched into his arms and held him tightly. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, kissing the top of her head.
“You didn’t,” Maddie said, trying to compose herself. “I’m just overwhelmed.”
James rocked her slowly from side to side, clinging to her like she might disappear.
Maddie pressed her ear to his chest and allowed the thudding of his heart to soothe her.
She felt herself calming down, the way she always did when he was close by.
She cursed him inwardly, angry that she had to do what she had to do, and it was all his fault.
“You told me once this is where you come when you want to be close to Bowie,” he said. “That you feel at peace here because you feel like he’s nearby. I hope I’ve made this a comfortable place for you to enjoy feeling close to your brother.”
“You have,” Maddie said, stepping away from him. “Thank you so much. It’s beautiful. I love it.”
They stood face to face, staring at each other.
The atmosphere cooled immediately. Things felt suddenly awkward, and Maddie knew it was because James could tell she was not reacting how she would if things were OK between them, which meant they still weren’t.
The room, though beautiful, had not been enough.
He looked tense again, his shoulders pitched high, his face contorted with stress.
He prompted her. “Tell me.” He looked like he might be about to cry.
“I want you to go travelling.” Maddie felt guilty saying it.
She knew she was betraying her heart, well aware he was about to argue the case for the exact opposite, but she was going to force him to do it anyway.
She’d been thinking about it all afternoon and she could see she had no other choice.
Letting him stay here when she’d come to believe there was a good chance he didn’t want to was not an option.
She was worried he would grow to resent her, that this love they shared would be poisoned by the experiences he hadn’t had because she wouldn’t go with him. He needed to go.
James shook his head. “No, you don’t.” He cleared his throat and Maddie knew he was trying to add some strength to his voice, though he looked meeker than she had ever seen him.
“You don’t want me to go, you just think I should,” he corrected her.
Maddie shrugged, too tired to argue. Both had the same outcome.
There was no point in fighting about the terminology.
“If that makes it easier to swallow, then yes, I think you should go.”
He blinked pointedly at her, leaning back slightly, as though trying to get a good look at her face. Maddie stood her ground. She straightened her features and held his gaze. She wanted him to know she was serious, that talking her into changing her mind was impossible. His gaze broke first.
“Don’t do that,” he said, running his hand through his hair.
“Do what?” she asked, genuinely confused.
“You’re doing that thing you do.”
“What thing?”
“Trying to protect me from the way you really feel by lying about it,” he said.
“I know you don’t want me to go, Maddie.
But you’re going to pretend you do because you think it’s the best thing for me.
Look, I know how hurt you were in the café.
You felt like I’d kept something from you, like I’d told Mum something I hadn’t told you. ..”
“Marley knew, too,” Maddie pointed out. James sighed and put his head in his hands.
He mumbled something, but Maddie didn’t catch it.
She continued. “So, yes, I felt pretty stupid. I have no qualms about saying that. And, no, I don’t want you to go.
I’m not going to pretend I do. But I still think you should. ”
“OK, so you’re not doing the exact thing you usually do,” he said, stepping away from her and starting to pace.
“But just because you’re not hiding your feelings doesn’t mean you’re not doing some variation of it.
You’re going to send me away for ‘my own good’, despite the fact it’s not what you want, just in case I’m lying about wanting to stay and it hurts me down the line.
You’re going to hurt yourself to try to protect me.
You’re going to lock up your own feelings and try to put mine first, the way you always do for everyone, the way you have for years, and you’re going to make yourself miserable because you’d rather do that than risk hurting someone you love. ”