Chapter 6
Things continued as usual, or if there was anything unusual, it was not of great significance.
A new situation, which unsettled me, arose at Kamakura at the end of summer.
Kamakura is a seaside district, about an hour’s journey by train from Tokyo.
It is surrounded on three sides by hills covered in lush, green vegetation, with the remaining side opening out on to the sea.
It is a district of both scenic beauty and historical interest. In addition, it has both Buddhist and Shinto temples and a beautiful large new Buddha image of great artistic merit, called a daibutsu in Japan, for which Kamakura has become famous.
On Saturdays and Sundays, the people of Tokyo flock there in crowds to bathe in the sea and relax, because Kamakura is near enough for just a day’s outing.
And at weekends, especially, various amusements are laid on to cater for the visitors’ particular tastes.
Chao Khun had arranged to stay at Kamakura for five days, which suited Mom Ratchawong Kirati and myself.
We left Tokyo on a Wednesday. When we reached Kamakura, there were not very many people there because it was the end of the hot season.
But the Kaihin Hotel, the best hotel in Kamakura, was still full.
I had booked rooms in advance, so we were greeted on our arrival and made very welcome.
Chao Khun and his wife stayed in a twin-room suite which included a bathroom and sitting room, while I had a single room.
They were both delighted by the splendour and majesty of the Kaihin.
By coincidence, Chao Khun met some friends at the hotel, a Japanese couple and an American couple.
As he had some friends to talk to, Chao Khun was only too happy to allow Mom Ratchawong Kirati and me to slip away occasionally on our own.
Being together day and night at Kamakura brought us very close to one another.
Some days our conversation would begin at the breakfast table, and others, even before that.
We were together nearly all the time, sometimes in a group with Chao Khun’s friends, other times just the two of us out together during the day.
Sometimes we went out in a boat and other times we sat and watched people enjoying themselves on the beach.
In the evenings I usually excused myself and went to bathe in the sea, because at that time Chao Khun liked to take a long walk along the beach, and I thought it only right that he should have time to enjoy himself alone with his young wife.
Thus, when he invited me to join them, I declined – even though I could see he clearly meant it – excusing myself on the grounds that I wanted to go for a swim. Chao Khun readily concurred.
One day Mom Ratchawong Kirati came down to bathe with me.
I could see she enjoyed it very much, even though, from what she told me, she was not normally very interested in going in the sea.
There is one awkward thing about taking a Thai lady bathing with Japanese people: Japanese women are not very particular about covering the upper part of their bodies, and they pay little attention to their rather loose bathing costumes.
Japanese girls may have a perfectly good reason for relaxing their caution, but Thai women who visit the beach avert their eyes and complain afterwards.
I was afraid that Mom Ratchawong Kirati might have been bothered by this, but my fears were unfounded.
She merely expressed surprise and not a word of complaint.
Our last night at Kamakura was on the Sunday.
A grand ball was arranged at the Kaihin Hotel, as was customary on a Sunday night.
Non-residents were permitted to attend if they purchased tickets from the hotel, and that evening the ballroom was packed with men and women.
Besides the Japanese, there were five or six Thais, including the three of us, and in addition, several Europeans, Americans and Filipinos.
Chao Khun Atthikanbodi spent the evening enjoying himself like a young man.
He took the floor for many of the dances, sometimes with white ladies, sometimes with Japanese, and uncorked several bottles of champagne.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati danced two or three times with friends of Chao Khun and sipped champagne, too.
And I danced two or three times with a Japanese girl I knew and likewise sipped champagne.
As it was our last night in Kamakura, Mom Ratchawong Kirati wanted to go for a walk outside.
When he learned of her wish, Chao Khun readily consented, for he was thoroughly enjoying himself with all his friends.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati invited me to go and see the various amusements.
There was mini-golf and skating, and we wandered around the side shows before walking down along the beach and gazing up at the stars above.
Eventually we returned and sat down in the garden in the hotel grounds.
There were only two or three people taking a walk there.
Away from the crowds and alone together, surrounded by nature, we were caught up in our own thoughts and feelings.
The mix of champagne and the soft atmosphere of the dancing had put me in much higher spirits than usual.
Rumba music echoed from the ballroom. ‘Chao Khun must be really having fun dancing,’ I remarked. ‘Rumba music is so rousing.’
‘He’s not going to dance the rumba, surely. It’s too fast for a man of his age. But a young man like you must like it.’
‘I’m not really interested enough in dancing to have any special preference. They’re all the same to me.’
‘I noticed you doing a slow foxtrot. I could see you dance well.’
‘That was because my partner was very good.’
‘Who was she, your partner? She looked too tall to be Japanese.’
‘She’s the daughter of a wealthy merchant.
You’re right, her manner isn’t very Japanese at all, because she was born in America and lived there until she was fifteen.
She came to Japan a year before I did. That’s why she doesn’t seem very Japanese.
When we first got to know each other, she told me she didn’t really get on with her fellow countrymen, so she was happy to mix with foreigners.
Whether she meant it, or whether she was just flattering us, she told me that she liked Thais in particular.
She said there was something unusual about Thais, something endearing. ’
‘She was judging Thais by you.’
‘That’s not what she said, nor what I’d wish.’
‘Nopporn, you’re a sweet and really lovely boy.
’ At these words I felt my heart racing, but before I could reply, she continued, ‘Earlier this evening Chao Khun told me he was very pleased to see that you and I are getting on so well. He said that you were a sweet boy and that he’d been quite right in guessing that I’d like you a lot. ’
‘Did he mean it quite sincerely when he said he was pleased? Is it true that he doesn’t mind us being close?’
‘Why do you ask?’ she retorted. ‘What is there to mind about our friendship? And what makes you doubt the sincerity of Chao Khun?’
I was silent for a moment. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me and made me ask such a silly question. I haven’t the slightest reason for doubting his sincerity.’
‘Are you sure?’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati retorted.
I was silent once again, unable to give an immediate answer.
‘What’s the matter with you this evening? You’re not as quick with your answers as usual.’ She patted me gently on the arm and we smiled as our eyes met. ‘Are you afraid Chao Khun is jealous of you?’
I was stunned. ‘Why should I be afraid of that?’
‘You haven’t told me whether I guessed correctly or not.’
‘You must be psychic.’
‘How awful,’ she said, laughing. ‘Why should you think Chao Khun is jealous of you? Aren’t you worthy of his complete trust?
‘Isn’t that for you and Chao Khun to answer?’
‘Aren’t your thoughts suitably innocent?’
‘That’s true. I shouldn’t have any fears at all.’
‘That’s right. And since your thoughts are suitably innocent, Chao Khun is not a jealous kind of man.’
‘I’ve known him a long time. He’s a very kind man. That’s why you must love him very much.’
It was Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s turn to be silent. ‘I like him the way children should like a kind old man.’
‘You didn’t say anything about love. I mean love between a husband and wife, between a man and a woman.’
‘You’ve seen what I am and what Chao Khun is. There’s a huge difference in our ages. It’s like a tall mountain acting as a barrier to love between us, preventing our love from meeting.’
‘But love can exist between an old man and a young woman, can’t it?’
‘I don’t believe in love between two such people. I don’t believe it can really exist, unless we tell ourselves it does, and that may be telling ourselves something that is not true.’
‘But you seem happy in your marriage. Yet, according to you, the love you each have can never meet.’
‘If a woman appears contented, or is contented, that might lead people to think that love can occur between an old man and a young woman. But when a woman is reasonably contented, she tends not to be interested in the problem of love. Whether there’s love or not, as long as she’s happy, what else does she want?
That’s the way people live. People believe that love is the mother of happiness.
But the way I see it, that’s not always true.
Love can bring bitterness and all kinds of terrible things into our lives.
But for those who do love, their hearts are engulfed in a wonderful sweetness which lasts for ever.
This isn’t something I’ve experienced for myself. I’m speaking from what I believe.’
‘And what else do you want, when you’re already content with life the way it is?’
‘I didn’t say I wanted anything else. Or, to put it bluntly, as I guess you’d prefer, I didn’t say that I still desire love.
I know I have no right to it. But I can’t know whether love will come into my life or not, nor guarantee that it won’t, even though I’m not looking for it.
I may be content, it’s true. But please believe me, there can be contentment without love. ’
‘And if love were to come along, what would you do?’
‘Oh, I don’t prepare answers to questions like that in advance because it may never happen.
Dwelling on that kind of thing only makes you unhappy.
There’s nothing sillier than worrying about some non-existent thing or some dream.
Remember, “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”.
Contentment without love is better than dreaming about love without contentment. ’
‘And what about Chao Khun? Does he love you?’
‘I can’t answer for him. I know he’s fond of me. Perhaps he loves me in the way an adult loves a child. But that’s not love in the sense you mean, is it? I’ve already said I don’t believe in love between an old man and a young woman, so I don’t expect him to love me deeply.’
‘You mean he doesn’t want love, that he’s not looking for love, not even from his wife?’
‘That’s right. That is what I mean. And I believe that’s the truth.’
‘Why?’
‘Because his love has dried up with old age. His days of loving have passed. Now he doesn’t know how to love. He can’t love me because he has nothing to love with, to give me the love I dream of.’
‘But why does he seem so happy with you then?’
‘You’ve got a really bad memory. I’ve already told you that there can be contentment without love. He’s in the same position as I am.’
‘If it wasn’t for love, why did he marry you?’
‘He wanted contentment, just the same as others like him. Human beings crave contentment and will seek it right up until the last hour of their life, no matter how old they are. He married me because he believed it would bring him contentment.’
‘And what about you? Why did you marry him, since it wasn’t for love?’
‘You want to know why I married him? Oh, that’s a long story.
There’s not time tonight.’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati stood up.
‘We’ve been out a long time, Nopporn. Chao Khun will be waiting.
’ I got up and, as we started to walk back, she said, ‘You’ve asked me a lot of things tonight, Nopporn.
I’ve answered a lot of questions that I shouldn’t have, but I thought you wanted to find out about these things. ’
‘No,’ I replied quite openly. ‘I asked because I’m interested in your life.’
‘If I’d known that was why you were asking, I wouldn’t have answered a lot of your questions. You shouldn’t be taking an interest in my private life.’
‘You wouldn’t deny that we are very good friends.’
‘But that’s no reason for you to be taking an interest in my inner feelings.’
‘Well, I have taken an interest, and you’ve answered all my questions.’
‘Because I was tricked.’
‘You can be tricked by contentment.’
‘And you’re beginning to get on my nerves.’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati tugged my arm to make me walk faster. ‘A bit faster. I’m worried about Chao Khun.’