Chapter 5 #2
‘You’re right, I really would. I’d like to go to Nikko, to see the waterfalls and the moonlight shining down on the mountain lakes.
I’d like to go to a seaside district, too, and watch boys and girls swimming and walking along the beach, laughing and giggling together.
I heard Chao Khun mention that he’d take me to these places soon.
There’s no doubt I’d really enjoy it.’ She clasped her hands together and rested her chin upon them, a smile crossing her face as her eyes darted back and forth.
‘I’d like to go to Europe, too,’ she murmured dreamily.
‘I’d like to go and see new kinds of beauty.
I’d like to visit England and France in winter.
I’d cross over to Switzerland and then go on to Norway to see the midnight sun.
And I’d end my trip in Italy, spending most of my time in Rome and Florence, where I could admire the paintings of Raphael, Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo, the three great masters. ’
‘You must be an artist, then?’
‘I love art. I spend time practising drawing.’
‘Oh, I didn’t know!’ I exclaimed with a mixture of surprise and delight. ‘No wonder. You find beauty in everything, and you look at everything in such detail. You never mentioned it.’
‘That’s because I was afraid of your flattery. Besides, my level of ability is nothing to boast about.’
‘How long have you been drawing?’
‘For several years now. At least five or six. Since I first began to feel lonely.’
‘If you were to go to Italy and see some good examples and get some proper tuition, maybe you’d become very famous, like those three masters.’
‘There you go again,’ she scolded me, and frowned.
‘Don’t try to make me forget myself, Nopporn.
I have to keep my feet on the ground if I’m going to remain able to talk to you.
I draw because I really love art. Besides, I have my own special reason.
By directing my interest to something, it greatly helps to ease my loneliness, calm my mind and eliminate fanciful thoughts.
Have you ever considered that mental activity is like physical activity?
There’s a constant flow of movement, except when we’re asleep.
It’s part of our nature, that whenever we do something, we always have to think about it.
We never stop. If we tried to be completely still, it would be like torture.
You can try it now. Keep your hands still and sit perfectly still without moving any part of your body and without thinking about anything at all.
You’ll find it very uncomfortable. When you move, your movements are either beneficial to you, or not beneficial, or actually harmful.
It’s the same with our thoughts. If we don’t think in a way which is beneficial, then we’re thinking in a way which is not beneficial or which is actually harmful.
Since our minds are perpetually active, I think that if we can find a distraction which is useful and which continually absorbs our thoughts, then life won’t be worthless and we ourselves will be able to enjoy our lives to a greater or lesser extent, regardless of our position.
It’s no good just letting our thoughts wander; that way we tend to end up feeling bored with life.
Women in my position need a lot of things to help them in this regard.
If I had nothing useful to think about, I would certainly think about useless or harmful things.
It’s only natural. And I can say that, since I developed a love of art, art has become my good friend, too.
I’ve been going on too long. You must be bored. ’
‘It’s been most enjoyable listening to you,’ I said quite sincerely. ‘I’d like to – but why is it that when I offer sincere compliments, it frightens you? Or is it my sincerity which frightens you?’
‘You’ve answered all your questions. Is there anything else you want me to answer?’
‘You’re just too clever for me. At everything. I can’t keep up.’
‘No, I think you have your own path to follow. You don’t need to keep up with anyone.
You should feel proud of yourself.’ She paused for a moment and pulled the sleeves of her kimono in close to her body.
‘It’s not so humid today,’ she added. ‘There’s been a breeze all day long. My feet are feeling a little chilly.’
I removed the scarf from my neck and arranged it over her pure-white feet.
‘Oh, good gracious!’ she exclaimed, and then laughed softly. ‘Why have you covered my feet with your scarf? The two don’t go together.’
‘Didn’t you know, your feet are more beautiful than my neck? So, they should receive more care.’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati gave a deep sigh. It was her way of letting me know she had no wish to argue further with my compliments.
We were the last to leave our boats that evening.
Both of us were astonished when we looked all around the lake and saw no other boat out on the water except our own.
We were both surprised and amused that we had been enjoying ourselves so much we had not been aware that the others had returned to the bank.
When I looked at the watch I carried with me, I realized that we had spent two whole hours in the boat.
‘How could that be possible?’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati asked in amazement.
‘I was enjoying myself being with you,’ was my response.
‘I thought it was only half an hour at the most.’
‘I’d have said only five minutes.’
That evening Chao Khun returned home about half an hour after us.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati and I had each, of our own accord, come to the conclusion that there was no need to inform Chao Khun of the details of our evening excursion, and since we were both in agreement, we did not offer each other any explanation.
That night I found it difficult to get to sleep.
I wondered how I was ever going to be able to, when my heart was full of Mom Ratchawong Kirati.
Several questions unexpectedly sprang up in my mind.
Had I ever in my life encountered a woman more charming and more beautiful than Mom Ratchawong Kirati?
Had I ever met a woman who had shown me the kindness and friendship that Mom Ratchawong Kirati had?
The answer to all these questions was negative.
Firmly and decisively negative. But why was I asking myself such questions?
Why was it that I had to compare Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s beauty, her intelligence and all her other good qualities with those of everyone else – or to be more precise, with those of all the women I had ever known?
Why was I asking myself these questions?
I kept on wondering but could never find a satisfactory answer.
My search lost momentum and instead of a clear reason coming to mind, my thoughts drifted to my feelings for Mom Ratchawong Kirati.
As she had climbed out of the boat, she had held out a hand for me to support her.
I held her hand lightly, to steady her as she stepped out and on to dry land.
As I did so, a strange feeling, one I had never felt before, ran through me.
It was as if a strong hand had seized my heart and was shaking it so that I felt thoroughly unsettled.
For a moment, this strange feeling possessed me.
‘I can stand all right now. You can let go of my hand.’ When Mom Ratchawong Kirati spoke, I realized I was still clasping her small, soft hand.
With a start I released it, but the strange feeling still pounded away in my heart.
What power dwelt in that tiny hand that had dragged me so far out of myself?
What power lay in that touch, that it still clung to my heart, even though I had come away several hours ago?
When I was leaving, she came out to the main gate to see me off.
As I was saying my farewell, she took my scarf, which I had forgotten, and wrapped it around my neck.
‘There’s a breeze tonight,’ she said. ‘Make sure you don’t leave your collar open.
I’d be sorry if you were to be ill as a result of keeping me company. ’
‘Will you be needing me tomorrow?’
‘I’ll have to think about it,’ she replied in jest.
‘Good. Tomorrow I’ll come round for your answer.’
‘Good. You can come round for my answer every day.’ She smiled happily and then said goodnight. ‘Oyasuminasai, my dear child.’
‘Oyasuminasai,’ I replied. My heart pounded at the sight of her sweet smile and the soft, melodious sound of her voice.
These were the scenes and feelings which filled my mind. The moon was shining down through one of the windows, which I had opened slightly, on to my feet. It made me think once again of those pale, slender ankles and firm, well-fleshed feet.