Chapter 9 #2
She smiled, her eyes sparkling with good humour.
‘Actually, there’s a lot more to it than you might think.
You don’t understand everything about women.
Anyway, I hope you’re not suddenly going to criticize me for wasting several hours a day on something useless.
Have some sympathy for the female sex. We’re born to be decorations, to please the world, and in order to perform these duties to the best of our ability, we have to take care of our appearance.
Of course, that’s not the only duty of the female sex.
But you won’t deny, I’m sure, that it’s one of them. ’
‘I certainly wouldn’t disagree with you, because over and above virtue, men seek beauty in the female sex.’
‘What’s more,’ said Mom Ratchawong Kirati emphatically, ‘a good woman is sometimes completely overlooked if she is not beautiful as well. After my youngest sister got married, although I sometimes used to dream of love, I lived on happily in hope for a further two years, until my other younger sister married the man she loved. It was then that I first began to feel I was unlucky. At the time I was twenty-nine and my sister was twenty-six. Her marriage and the happiness it brought her was rather painful for me. Believe me, Nopporn, I’m not jealous of my sister.
I love her more than I love myself. But I felt pity for my own fate.
Up until now it’s been difficult to tell you how I really feel, because it might have looked as if I were being overdramatic or struggling with some shameful thoughts. Do you think you really understand me?’
‘I’m your closest friend. I feel for you and fully understand you.’
‘You have faith in my moral principles?’
‘I have no doubts whatsoever.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Absolutely, without the slightest wavering.’
‘Your assurance sounds as firm as a pledge. So I’ll tell you my feelings, honestly and sincerely.
’ She gazed past me, her eyes still sparkling, it was true, but with a tinge of sadness.
‘When I was twenty-nine, I was still beautiful and looked younger and more radiant than my sisters. I was lucky to have been blessed with beauty, but unlucky to be without love. It may have been because of that beauty that I, more than my sisters, was shielded and prevented from having contact with the outside world. I wouldn’t feel unfortunate if I’d been born plain.
But when He bestowed beauty upon me, why didn’t God, or whatever sacred powers there might be, create an opening for me?
Why didn’t He give me love? Why did He abandon my beauty to loneliness and solitude, the beauty I’d cherished and fought to preserve in a way that few women could match? ’
At this point, the sadness was clearly visible in her eyes.
‘When my sisters were both married and had their own homes, I felt more and more lonely. But when I considered my beauty and youthful looks, then, at the age of twenty-nine, I still had hopes of finding love and marrying a man whom I loved. Nopporn, you mustn’t think my frank account of my feelings shameful.
Love is a wonderful blessing. It is the greatest thing in life.
Like everyone else, I liked to dream of love and marriage.
I longed for the opportunity to talk about and experience for myself a life in a new world, just as my two sisters had.
I longed to have a house of my own and to mix in the outside world.
I longed for children, on whom I could lavish the love and tenderness in my heart.
I longed for my lap and my arms to benefit another.
And I longed for many other wonderful things which could have been mine if only I had found love.
‘To reach the age of twenty-nine without finding love is bad enough. But for me it was especially unfortunate. Year after year, my dreams came to nothing. My hopes gradually faded, until, at the age of thirty-four, Chao Khun Atthikanbodi came up for my consideration. Chao Khun and my father were very good friends. As he grew older, my father ceased to think very seriously about anything. So when Chao Khun expressed a wish to marry his eldest daughter, who’d been stuck around the house for a long time, he was happy to grant Chao Khun’s wish.
He thought, in all sincerity, that Chao Khun’s request was the last remaining chance for me to get married.
He feared that if I refused, it would be tantamount to saying no to marriage for the rest of my life.
And if that were in fact to be the case, he would have been saddened by my fate.
I knew very well that, of all his children, my father loved me the most and sympathized with me in my misfortune.
He wanted to see me married so that I’d have my fair share of happiness.
He thought that seeing a beautiful woman like me go through life without a husband was more than he could bear.
However, he merely advised me and implored me to accept Chao Khun’s offer; the final decision was left to me. ’
Her eyes met mine and she smiled, a sad and candid smile. My heart melted before the sadness in that smile and those beautiful eyes.
‘When I learned of Chao Khun’s wish, I was stunned, and when I listened to my father advising me and pleading with me to agree to marrying Chao Khun, I cried.
I cried with a mixture of alarm and many other feelings.
My father understood me very well. “My child,” he said, consoling me, “I don’t underestimate you.
I feel for you very much. You’re the best and most beautiful of all my children.
I’m more proud of you than I can tell you.
I know perfectly well that a match with someone who is getting on in years, like Chao Khun, is not ideal.
I wanted you to marry a man you loved, of a suitable age and family background.
But fate has treated you unfairly. It saddens me so much when I think what a wonderful and beautiful girl you are.
But you’re nearly thirty-five now. Marry him, my child, marry the man I suggest. Even though he’s old, he’s a good man. ”
‘I hardly said a word to my father. I remember that all I did was cry. My father comforted me. He kissed me on the forehead in pity and then left me alone. That evening I dressed myself up immaculately and sat in front of the mirror in my bedroom. For a long while I examined my physical appearance with painstaking care. I still had the figure of a girl, and my looks were without blemish. It was awful to think that this body, still young, fresh and beautiful, would have to be wedded to a man of fifty. Was it true that this beautiful figure could exist unloved and without hope of love? I didn’t believe it was possible.
But when I remembered how old I was, I felt alarmed once more.
Tears streamed down my face when it dawned on me that Chao Khun’s request was a symbol of the disintegration of my hopes, a symbol that my chances of finding love and marrying a man I loved had all gone. My time was up.
‘For two or three days after, my father didn’t mention the matter. He waited quietly for my answer. I chose what were, under the circumstances, my most rational moments to think seriously about my decision. Eventually, I decided to accept Chao Khun’s proposal.’
‘Why didn’t you say no? You look so young and beautiful, even now,’ I said, in all sincerity. ‘You were sure to find love if you’d waited a bit longer. You really should’ve said no.’
‘You talk as if it hadn’t happened, Nopporn,’ she said with a faint smile.
‘The world is so cruel,’ I groaned.
‘People might be cruel. But if you just look around you right now, the world is lovely, isn’t it?’ She paused and stared at me for a moment. ‘I’m going to tell you the reason why I decided to agree.’
‘I can’t see any reason. I don’t think it could’ve been a very good one.’
‘My dear young man, please don’t be grumpy, and please don’t forget that we’re talking about something in the past, something that has already happened. There’s nothing for us to argue about.’