Chapter 10
Mom Ratchawong Kirati continued her story.
‘My father’s pleas were one reason why I considered Chao Khun’s proposal with much less bitterness.
I knew that if I refused, it would disappoint and sadden him very much.
But that wasn’t the main reason. The main reason was because I wanted to.
I had had to spend a full thirty-four years of my life in a confined world.
I was thoroughly bored and lonely. Even a tiny bird leaves its nest when its wings are strong and flies around seeing the great, wide world.
And I’m a human being and fully grown – to the point of being on the downward path – so why should I stay in the same place?
I wanted contact with the outside world.
I needed a change in my life. I needed something different from what I had been doing for thirty-four years.
The only thing that was going to help me achieve this was getting married.
I was extremely unfortunate not to have love, but even so, would it have been clever to close my eyes and shut off my feelings to other things which might offer some measure of enjoyment?
Since Chao Khun was a kind man, how would I be worse off?
He was too old for me to marry, it’s true; but who was it, then, that I was waiting for?
I might have waited for somebody, but who?
Where was I going to meet him? In fact, he might not even have been born yet, or he might have just died.
At the time, I badly needed something real.
I decided to resign myself to marrying Chao Khun because that was real.
I’ve achieved many of the things I wanted to.
I’m happy that I’ve been able to become acquainted with many new and unusual things in a different world. Even without love, I’m happy enough.’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati adjusted her position and sat up straight. She gave a deep sigh and wiped her eyes with her handkerchief. ‘Nopporn, I feel as if I’ve been asleep, and in a dream, while I’ve been telling you all this. I may have rambled on a bit, so I’ll stop now.’
‘I’m fascinated by your story. It may seem just an ordinary one, but I was absolutely absorbed by it. Can I ask you a few more things? Don’t you think that one day you might be able to love Chao Khun?’
‘I think I’ve told you already that there is no way I can love him.
He’s a good man, of course. But what do I want with an old man?
He wants to eat his fill and go to sleep, and to enjoy himself in his own manner.
He has too little time left to be idealistic about life.
He’s not interested in moonlight or even sweet words.
He neither thinks nor dreams about beauty.
He has no future. Only a past and present.
So how can you expect love to blossom? Even a rose won’t bloom on a concrete road. ’
‘Happiness without love? Doesn’t that seem rather sterile?’
‘Nopporn, don’t tie me up with so many questions.
I can’t breathe. Give me a bit of freedom.
’ Her eyes met mine and she smiled gently.
The sadness in her eyes had gone, to be replaced by a lively sparkle.
She took out a mirror and spent a moment doing her face and hair.
I looked at her closely and sensed my own desire.
‘Are you happy today?’ I asked, my voice shaking slightly. She gave a slight nod by way of reply, and in her sideways glance there was a look of incalculable danger. It fuelled my desire.
‘It’s getting late, Nopporn. We’d better start getting ready to go back.’ She began to get up. ‘Ooh, my legs are numb from sitting down too long. I’m hardly going to be able to walk back down.’
‘I’ll carry you,’ I said. I got up and put my arm around her to support her. She declined my assistance in a quiet voice, but I took no notice. When she was on her feet, I was still holding her arm and standing close to her. ‘Are you really happy?’ I asked again.
‘Looking down on the stream from up here, I feel as if we’ve come up a very long way. I’m still wondering how I’m going to have the energy to get back down.’
I moved closer to her until our bodies were almost touching. Mom Ratchawong Kirati leaned back against the cedar tree. I knew that both our hearts were pounding fiercely.
‘When we get down there, I’m going to do a sketch with two figures,’ she said.
‘I’m so happy when I’m this close to you.’
‘And when are you going to let go of me, so that we can get our things together?’
‘I don’t want to be any further apart.’ I drew her body up close against mine.
‘Nopporn, don’t look at me like that,’ she said, her voice beginning to tremble. ‘Let go, now. I’m strong enough to support myself.’
I buried my face against her soft pink cheeks. I no longer had the strength to restrain myself. I held her close to me and kissed her passionately. For a moment I was unconscious, lost in oblivion.
Mom Ratchawong Kirati released my grip and gradually pushed me away from her. I did not resist. I had soon turned into a lamb. She leaned back against the tree breathing heavily, as if she were exhausted after a long walk. The pink hue of her face had turned a dark colour, as if she had sunburn.
‘Nopporn, you don’t know what you’ve just done,’ she said, her voice still shaking.
‘I know I love you.’
‘And is it appropriate then, that you should express your love for me in such a way?’
‘I don’t know whether it’s appropriate or not, but love got the better of me. It completely overwhelmed me and robbed me of all common sense.’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati gazed at me with a sad look in her eyes. ‘Do you express your love at times when you’ve lost all common sense? Didn’t you know that there’s nothing you later regret more than the things you do when common sense has deserted you?’
‘But I know for sure that I truly love you.’
‘And what meaning is there in expressing love when you’ve lost all common sense?’
‘I really love you, with my heart and soul. What I did will remain imprinted upon my heart.’
‘And do you think it will be profitable for your life if it’s imprinted upon your heart?’
‘In love, do we still think of capital and profit?’
‘You might not, and I might not. But love might think of us in such terms. Haven’t you ever thought,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati continued, ‘of the position I’m in and the position you’re in?’
‘I’ve thought of it a great deal.’
‘And yet you still behave the way you did towards me a moment ago. Don’t you realize, you acted quite unreasonably and, as you yourself admit, thoughtlessly?’
I stood crestfallen, my arms folded. ‘I feel absolutely terrible. I don’t know what to say to redeem myself.
All I know for sure is that I was overcome by love.
Even though it’s true that what I did was wrong, I’m subject to the laws of nature.
I tried to escape them, but when I came face to face with love, I couldn’t.
I was forced into a corner. I beg you, please don’t bring reason into it, and please don’t bring morality into it, either.
I have no answer. These were all set up after the laws of nature, and we’re all subject to those laws of nature. ’
‘Nopporn, if the two of us were to spend the rest of our lives on the top of Mount Mitake, then everything you said would be correct. But in reality, in a moment we’ll go down this mountain and face other people.
And before long, you’ll have to go back to your studies and all your ambitious plans for the future.
As for me, it’s my duty to be loyal to Chao Khun, to follow him wherever he goes, to look after him and wait upon him like a good wife, as long as he still wants me and as long as he doesn’t neglect his own responsibilities.
You and I will soon have to part, and each of us will have to mix in society, which is strict on matters of reason and morality.
So how is it you can want me not to bring them up?
Do you really believe society would accept the laws of nature which you offer as an excuse?
Nopporn, please believe me. You must try to face up to the truth.
Truth is the sole judge of our lives. Laws and ideals might be more attractive, but in practice, they’re worthless. ’
I felt I was facing a woman who was too rational and intelligent for me to keep up with.
She deserved to be some woman from the pages of history, not Mom Ratchawong Kirati, just an ordinary woman of the present.
‘I’m very sorry if I’ve displeased you,’ I said quietly. There was nothing else I could say.
‘You upset me.’
‘Please answer just one question. Do you believe I love you?’
‘I believe you.’
‘Are you very cross with me for what I did?’
‘I’ve already told you, you don’t know what you did. Someday you’ll find the answer yourself, and you’ll feel sorry.’
‘Do you hate me now?’
‘If you don’t refer to what happened today again, I’ll feel that you’re still the same old Nopporn, and will be, all my life.’
‘And I may still love you with all my heart and soul?’
‘That is your right. But as time goes by, you’ll happily relinquish that right of your own accord.’
‘I’m certain my love for you will never fade.’
‘At your age, people have great confidence in themselves. But we’ll have to wait and see. I congratulate you on your confidence.’
‘Are my feelings reciprocated?’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati moved closer and stood almost touching me.
She put her hands on my shoulders and said, ‘My dear boy, I forgive you. We’ll both forget what happened today.
You must go back to being the old Nopporn and be cheerful and happy from now on.
Now let’s hurry up and get everything ready to leave.
Chao Khun will be concerned if we’re very late back. ’
I sensed an almost regal authority in her voice, and I had not the courage to suggest otherwise.
Having spoken, Mom Ratchawong Kirati wasted no time in getting down to packing things back into her bag.
I stood for a moment with my arms folded, watching her absorbed in packing up, until she urged me a second time, whereupon I began to help her.
On the way back, she chatted away quite normally about one thing and another, as if the most significant event in our lives had not taken place on that mountain.