Chapter 17
About five days after my arrival in Bangkok, I found a suitable time to pay Mom Ratchawong Kirati a visit.
In truth, it was somewhat belated. I should have gone to see her much sooner, but I had several urgent matters to settle, largely concerning my career, which at that time preoccupied my thoughts above all else.
I went to visit her at her home in Bangkapi.
It was a modest bungalow, set in large grounds of about three rai, and surrounded by a thick hedge of morning glory, resplendent with green leaves and purple flowers.
The house stood back some way, clearly visible on raised ground.
At the front was a lawn and, beyond, a garden with different kinds of flowers.
To the left, there was a large pond. Near the entrance gate, among flowerbeds, stood a small pavilion, covered in climbing plants. It made a pleasing sight.
My first impression when I reached Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s house was that, compared with the dozen or so I had passed on the way, it was one of the nicest in Bangkapi.
They were all lovely houses, but the setting and layout of the grounds were not as pleasant and soothing as Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s home.
When I looked at the flowerbeds, among which large stones had been laid, I felt as if I had known this house for a long time.
This was because of the way the garden had been laid out, which was very similar to the Japanese style.
The various plants had not been grouped together in a regulated way but were all mixed up together.
They grew in a dense mass, making the garden look natural, rather than one that had been created.
And even though it had in fact been created, it seemed as natural as the magnificent gardens at Nikko, which I had visited so often.
The gate was already open. The car passed slowly through and, as I looked among the flowers, I saw a woman’s head appear by the orange jasmine bush.
I recognized the hairstyle and told the driver to stop before we reached the building.
As I got out and stood there on the path, Mom Ratchawong Kirati emerged from the bushes and came into full sight.
‘Nopporn,’ she called from a distance.
I raised my hat to her and cut across to meet her.
As soon as I reached her, an Alsatian, which had been playing nearby, ran over and stood right up against me, looking at me in a frightening way.
She bent over and patted it on the head.
Then she called its name two or three times and it lay down quietly at her feet.
‘That’s a large and very scary dog you’ve got,’ I began. ‘It’s eyeing me suspiciously.’
She smiled, ‘Thorwald is my bodyguard. There aren’t many people living out here, so we have to rely on Thorwald as our watchman.
You’re right though, Thorwald is always suspicious of everyone at first. I’ve explained to him that you’re my friend and you mean no harm.
’ As she finished speaking, Mom Ratchawong Kirati patted Thorwald on the head and told him to run along and play somewhere else. He did as he was told.
‘I should be entertaining you inside,’ she continued, looking up. We were standing by a garden table which had been placed among the flowerbeds and which was where Mom Ratchawong Kirati had been sitting before.
‘I really like it here,’ I said, putting my hat down on the table. ‘It’s nice and cool and looks lovely with all these different kinds of flowers.’
‘If you like, then I’ll entertain you here.’
‘I must apologize,’ I said, when we were both seated, ‘for not coming to see you sooner. It was because I had to go and see a lot of important people about my job. I didn’t want to waste any time.’
‘I’d like to congratulate you. I think it’s quite right, Nopporn, that you should think of your work before anything else.’
‘I have to confess that over the last two or three years I’ve been really preoccupied with the thought of work.
It’s not that I want money to satisfy any cravings for pleasure.
The main reason is I want to work. I believe it’ll give me great satisfaction if I can use the knowledge I’ve gained from my studies in my work.
It’s this that has perhaps left me deficient in certain other areas, such as socializing and, for example, coming to see you. ’
‘It’s a deficiency which makes you the more endearing,’ she said with a smile. It was a smile of such tenderness and sweetness, a smile I had known long ago and which I recognized instantly when I encountered it once more.
‘You’ve really grown up, now, Nopporn. Do you realize, there’s scarcely the trace of a young man left in you?’
‘I suppose I must’ve changed. But it’s not something I’m really aware of myself.’
‘You’ve become a fine man. You seem more serious than before.’
‘I hadn’t realized that. But as far as you’re concerned, I see only a slight change.’
‘I’ve aged a lot.’
‘Well, I don’t think so. Forgive me, but how old are you?’
‘Over forty.’
‘Well, forgive me, but you do still look very young …’
‘What is all this, Nopporn? Aren’t you going to stop saying “forgive me”?’ There was irritation in her voice. ‘You sound as if I were always blaming you for everything. You really do seem to have changed a lot.’
‘I was afraid I might be saying something inappropriate.’
‘Even so, there’s no need to excuse yourself when you’ve already said it. I’m not the woman you met in Tokyo. Nearly six years have passed since then. Unless you intend to flatter me too much, you can’t say I still look young.’
‘But that’s my honest opinion.’
‘You’re too biased, believe me, Nopporn. I’m over forty, now. I’m well aware that I’ve aged a lot.’
‘It may be that you’re more biased than me,’ I remarked, and then changed the subject. ‘You must be happy here, in this house. It’s beautiful, and just right for you. Please tell me how you’ve been?’
She looked at me uncertainly. ‘Do you think you’re really still interested in what’s been happening to me?’
‘I’ve always been interested.’
‘Now that you’ve returned to Bangkok and there’s work and lots of friends you have to give your time to, I fear you may have very little time to be interested in what’s been happening to me. Things are very different from when we met in Tokyo, aren’t they, Nopporn?’
I was inclined to agree. I had neither the time, nor the extravagant feelings, to think of her in the same way as before.
Events from the past had faded from my memory.
Even the episode on Mount Mitake, which I had once thought such a momentous event in my life, I now scarcely ever thought about.
It all seemed to belong to the past, as if it had come from a time of its own.
The new phase my life had entered revolved around work and my immediate livelihood.
The truth was, my life was devoid of deep or powerful feelings, like those that had been awakened six years ago.
As for Mom Ratchawong Kirati, I could not work out whether she had said this purely out of a desire to express her true feelings or for some other reason.
I did not know whether she, too, had entered a new phase of life or not.
‘I think I’m sufficiently interested in you to listen to what’s been happening to you,’ I said, thinking this an appropriate response.
‘All right, I’ll tell you, as an old friend, without thinking about what you might be now,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati said seriously.
She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts.
‘I should begin after the death of Chao Khun. Just talking about his illness is so upsetting, and I believe I wrote to you about it already,’ she said slowly and pensively.
‘I don’t want to talk about how sad I felt after his death.
I’ll tell you about the main things that have happened to me.
In the first place, he made me wealthier, by passing about a third of his fortune on to me in his will.
The other two thirds went to his two children.
In fact, I didn’t expect to get a share, because I’d only lived with him for two or three years, and we had no children.
Such kindness towards me left me wondering whether I was really worthy of it.
Nopporn, do you think I’m lucky or unlucky? ’
‘That’s a difficult question to answer,’ I replied cautiously.
‘Exactly. I think it’s a difficult question to answer, too.’ As she spoke her eyes drifted into a reverie. ‘I had less than three years of married life before my husband died. Then I became wealthy, but at the same time, I have to live alone. Life’s strange, isn’t it, Nopporn?’
‘Why didn’t you go back and live with your father?’
‘I’d lived with him for thirty-five years already. I love him dearly and I go to visit him and stay with him frequently. But I wouldn’t go back to that kind of life. It was the life that condemned me to misfortune, emptiness and bitterness, such as I’ll never forget for the rest of my life.’
‘In that case, you should opt for getting out and about and meeting people.’
‘Indeed, I should. But I’ve chosen not to.
’ She spoke as if she had some doubts about her decision.
‘I’ll tell you my story briefly. After Chao Khun died, I came to live here.
Our old house passed on to his eldest son.
I had no wish to continue living there. For one thing, it was too big, and for another, it would’ve been a constant reminder that Chao Khun had gone for ever.
Chao Khun bought this plot of land several years before his death, and we used to say we’d build a little holiday home here.
After he died, I set about having it done, as we’d planned.
The only difference is, instead of being a place to stay now and then, it’s my permanent home. ’
‘And it ought to be a house that brings great pleasure to its owner,’ I added, when she paused for a moment.
‘It ought to,’ she said, looking round the grounds with satisfaction. ‘Everyone who comes here says how nice my home is and expresses envy at the peace and quiet I have. But I’m not sure whether they’re right or not.’
‘Apart from this lovely house, what else do you have to make you happy?’
‘You still can’t stop asking questions,’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati said with an indulgent smile. ‘That may be all that’s left of the Nopporn I knew in Tokyo.’
‘Am I asking too much?’ I enquired politely.
‘No, not at all. But very few people would have asked me that. You’re good at thinking up questions, because even I don’t seem to have ever given thought to what I have to make me happy.
’ She paused and thought for a moment. ‘When I think about it,’ she continued, ‘I can’t help feeling surprised at myself, because my greatest happiness in the past, rather than being something real which had happened to me, was merely a hope, or an anticipation of something.
My life now is no different. Real happiness drifts along ahead of me, and I just chase along behind, snatching at it and hoping and waiting. ’
‘It seems like an exhausting life,’ I remarked sympathetically.
‘What can I do, Nopporn? The powers that be in this world have determined that my life shall be like this. No matter how I struggle, I can’t escape, so I have to face up to my fate.
Your life is worth more than mine and runs a smoother course than mine.
In yours, there are only real things. You derive pleasure from situations that happen, and when one situation has passed, you forget it completely, and move on to new situations and new pleasures.
That’s the way it goes, constantly changing.
My life is confused and blurred. Sometimes I think of happiness, it’s true, but not in any clear or definite way.
It’s like a dream floating above my head.
Sometimes I manage to catch hold of it. Other times it slips through my grasp.
Sometimes I enjoy myself, sometimes I feel worn out.
That’s the way my life is, and that’s what I intended to tell you.
But it would be hard for you to understand. ’
‘It’s a strange, sad life, and it’s not easy to understand, either,’ I murmured sincerely. ‘Now that you’re well off, why don’t you use your wealth to make your hopes come true? Then you’d be happy.’
‘Money is powerful, it’s true, Nopporn, but it’s not everything.
As it happens, what I have been hoping for and anticipating is not something that can be obtained through the power of money.
This is my great misfortune.’ At this point, Mom Ratchawong Kirati rose.
’There you are, Nopporn, let me end my story there.
It’s more boring than interesting. I want to hear about you, now.
We’ll take a little walk, and while we’re doing so, please tell me what you’ve been doing.
After that, we’ll go inside, and I hope you’ll stay and have dinner with me this evening, so I’ll have the chance to hear about everything in detail. ’
I complied with her wishes. There was not much time for a walk before dusk fell.
As we walked side by side through the extensive gardens, there was nothing to interrupt the mood.
We were alone together in the stillness, in an atmosphere which ought to have evoked the intense feelings of six years earlier.
But surprisingly, my feelings were not in the least affected.
It was not that Mom Ratchawong Kirati had lost her former charm and beauty.
Indeed, I could still discern these quite clearly, but with admiration alone, and without emotional involvement.
I stayed to dinner and talked with her until nine o’clock, when I left.
She told me that an aunt and a niece lived with her, but as it happened, they had both gone to visit relatives that day and would perhaps stay overnight with them.
Thus it was that I spent altogether four hours alone with Mom Ratchawong Kirati.
I enjoyed myself all the time I was with her, telling her about what I had been doing, and listening to what had been happening to her, without a moment’s boredom.
At the dining table, the two of us ate and chatted under a bright lamp for over an hour.
I noticed that Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s forty years were beginning to show in the wrinkles that appeared in places on her beautiful skin.
But in her manner and conversation, she had not changed at all from the Mom Ratchawong Kirati of old, sweet and charming as ever.
While she was busy serving the food, I could not help but recall the kindness she had shown me in the past. Yet all I remembered was that she was like an older sister to me.
I felt no passionate turmoil, as I might once have done.
Throughout those four hours, I could not fathom what Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s purpose in life was.