Chapter 18
Because I was occupied with work, two months or so passed before I went to visit her again.
My father informed me that he had made arrangements for my wedding to take place in three months’ time.
Once I knew the date of the wedding, I thought it my duty to inform Mom Ratchawong Kirati as a matter of courtesy.
On my second visit, she received me in the living-room, but even so, there was no one to disturb us or interrupt our conversation.
Although Mom Ratchawong Kirati had not intended to show her disappointment at the two months’ interval I had allowed to pass between my first and second visits, I could see clearly from the very beginning of our conversation just how disappointed and saddened she felt that I had behaved differently from the way she had expected.
However, I was unaware of the cause of such feelings.
Whether her feelings of good will towards me were deeper than I realized, or something else, it was beyond my comprehension.
Despite what I noticed about Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s feelings, I made no reference to the matter, as I had no wish to make the excuse of not being able to come and see her often because of being tied up with various matters.
Such an excuse might merely have made her feel more bitter, so I did not let on that I was aware of her disappointment.
After we had chatted for a while, I brought up the matter I had come to tell her about.
‘I’ve got some news, Khunying.’
‘I hope it’s very good news for you. It must be to do with some promotion at work.’ She awaited my reply eagerly.
‘No. It is good news, but nothing to do with work. I’m sure you’d be pleased if I were to be getting married soon.’ I noticed that she looked slightly stunned, perhaps because she was not expecting such news.
‘You’re getting married?’ she repeated uncertainly. ‘It’s the lady who went to meet you the day you arrived in Bangkok, isn’t it?’
‘Oh, so you knew about us all along, then?’
‘No, I had no idea. I just guessed. Have you known each other long?’
‘She’s my fiancée.’
‘Since when?’ Instead of glowing with happiness, Mom Ratchawong Kirati looked astonished.
‘Seven or eight years ago. A little before I left for Japan.’
‘But all the time I knew you in Tokyo, you never said a thing about your fiancée to me.’ Her voice registered even more astonishment.
‘Maybe that was because I wasn’t in the least bit interested in the engagement myself.’
‘And now you’ve resigned yourself to marrying a lady whom you’ve never been interested in.’
‘It’s my father’s wish, and I have no objections. The fact is, she’s an educated lady and from a suitable background. Marriage will give my life a more solid base than I have at present.’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati looked at me for a moment before she spoke, with a look that was difficult to interpret. ‘You haven’t told me your fiancée’s name yet.’
‘It’s Pree. Pree Buranawat.’
‘A pretty girl, a pretty name.’ She smiled absent-mindedly. ‘I do congratulate you.’
She held her hand out to me and, at the same time, I said, ‘You’re the first to congratulate me.’
‘I regard that as a great honour,’ she replied in a reserved manner.
We were both silent for a while, during which time I could not think of anything to say. Mom Ratchawong Kirati spoke first. ‘Nopporn, what are your ideals for marriage?’
‘I’m at a bit of a loss for an answer. I’m not very good at answering that kind of question.’
‘You used to ask me all kinds of detailed questions, and I never tried to get out of them, so now, when it’s my turn, you mustn’t either.’
‘I wasn’t thinking of getting out of it. But I’m afraid I have no ideals about marriage to speak of.’
‘Are all men like you, Nopporn?’
‘Not all men, but maybe most.’ I said what I thought. ‘Men probably have ideals about their work more than anything else. Like me, for example.’
‘Do you love your fiancée?’
‘We haven’t known each other long. We both like each other well enough, and I hope we’ll be able to love each other when we’re married.’
‘Isn’t love necessary for young people, then, before they decide to commit themselves to marriage?’ she asked, full of surprise. ‘All I’ve ever heard is “love, but don’t marry”, but here you are, Nopporn, getting married and falling in love afterwards.’
‘If we loved each other before getting married, it would be better. But I think that love is too complicated and full of pain and suffering.’
‘What’s made you see love in that light?’
‘Because once I loved someone.’
‘Please tell me all about it.’ Mom Ratchawong Kirati’s eyes began to sparkle.
‘You already know all the details. It happened when you came to Japan and carried on until you left me. At first, love brought me happiness, but it ended in terrible pain and suffering. Later I came to think that I’d allowed myself to be carried away by my feelings in a very inappropriate way.
I should’ve loved and respected you as an older sister.
I realized that I’d behaved very wrongly.
Ever since, I’ve tried to completely forget the events of that time.
I learned just how much pain and suffering such passionate love causes.
I believe I’ll never love like that again. ’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati gazed ahead, with a far-off look in her eyes. She said nothing.
‘I didn’t think I’d ever talk about this with you again,’ I said. ‘It makes me feel ashamed and despise myself.’
‘People have different ideas about love, but I agree with you that love torments us, sometimes more than we can stand. You did the right thing, like most people who manage to escape torment and forget the past. But some fools may be incapable of doing as you did. Let me congratulate you once again.’ She paused for a while, and her eyes avoided mine.
When she turned back to me, she asked, ‘Have you fixed a date?’
‘My father said in about three months’ time.’
‘Let me offer my best wishes in advance. I believe in love, so I shall wish that the two of you will love each other, whether before or after you marry, and that you will quickly come to love each other deeply.’ She picked up the teacup in front of her and raised it rather energetically, smiling brightly as she added, ‘I drink to you, my dear friend, and to the love and happiness of the pair of you.’ She took a sip from the cup and then put it down.
‘I’ll be the first to give any help at your wedding,’ she added.
After we had been talking for some time, I noticed that she was not very well, but seemed to be trying to hide it so as to appear perfectly cheerful and happy in front of me.
I did not let on that I had noticed, but simply hastened to take leave of her, on the grounds that I had business to attend to.
Even so, I had been talking to her for almost two hours.
I was sorry that I had brought such important news at a time when she was not very well.
Under normal circumstances, Mom Ratchawong Kirati would have shown much greater excitement and pleasure and certainly would not have allowed me to leave so quickly. Those were my thoughts at the time.