Chapter Ten. #2
The thought of Ben seeing me with Jared pops into my head, immediately making me want to pull away.
My gut suddenly squirms, telling me I’m betraying Ben by doing this, but I don’t know how to pull away without making it weird, so I keep my arm where it is.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, so I pull it out in my free hand, hoping it’s Ben.
Halting in my tracks, my breath hitches.
“What’s wrong?” Jared leans in to catch a glimpse of what I’m looking at.
Tilting my phone quickly away, I clear my throat. “It’s nothing.”
Unconvinced, he frowns, his eyebrow raising in suspicion.
“I’m good, come on. Let’s go.” A low hum vibrates beneath my skin as I forcefully shove my phone in my back-pocket.
I can’t text him back here with Jared watching.
Hell, I don’t know if I should text him back at all.
Who is he to tell me who should and shouldn’t be touching me? What game is this guy playing?
But even though I’m frustrated at his previous rejection and lack of contact, a small part of me is curious enough to consider playing the game back.
Once we get back into the crowd, everyone, especially the girls, glare at me like I’m a piece of trash who just stole their favorite toy. I immediately remove my arm from his and create distance between us.
He doesn’t argue or acknowledge the action and instead goes back to the party inside, leaving me alone by the pool.
Now’s my chance. Being that weird person who stands alone by a bush, I snatch my phone out of my pocket and stare at the text.
My fingerpads drum on the screen in debate of what to retaliate with.
To my surprise, bubbles appear showing he’s texting back this time. Good. Let’s see what excuse he comes up with.
“Claimed me? Claimed me? Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” I exasperate aloud, rubbing my forehead.
I grow feverish, my eyes darting from side to side to see if he’s around, but there’s no sign of him. Neither sound nor visual of my suddenly talkative biker. How’d he know Jared touched me? How does he know where I am?
Oh good. Another person to treat me like a child.
Screw him. As much as I want to know how long he’s been watching me, I’m not going to get scolded by some stranger who watches me masturbate.
The tightening of my thighs together begs to continue the conversation and see where it leads, but then sweet, sweet Ben comes to mind. No. I choose Ben. If biker boy wants to step up and show himself then maybe we can be friends. Maybe.
Actually, come to think of it…I’ll have to block my laptop camera now…
Stealing some courage from the party, I walk around trying to get my mind off that weird text conversation and find Shirley in the kitchen talking to the guy who must be the cousin, although he looks more like a brother.
His matching long blonde hair, tan skin and side profile are uncannily similar.
The only difference I notice right off the bat is his height.
He must be at least five inches taller. No wonder Shirley didn’t mind getting distracted by him.
I tap her on the shoulder, timidly interrupting her conversation. She turns around with a big grin, grabs my hand and leads me away from him down the hall.
“I’ll be right back!” she yells to the cousin.
She pulls me aside in the hallway and whispers excitedly, “Okay, you can have Jared. His cousin, Jayson is so freakin’ cute and funny, and he actually seems interested in me.”
“That’s really okay. I don’t want Jared. But I’m glad you’ve found someone you’re clicking with!”
“Oh, I figured when he disappeared and left me with his cousin he went to find you.”
“He did… but we just talked. He’s nice and all, but I’ve got my eye on someone else.”
A lonely ache hits my stomach, and my body warms at the memory of hugging Ben earlier, his scent fresh in my nostrils. I wish he was here. A side of guilt throws itself in the mix.
Should I tell Ben about this anonymous biker who keeps contacting me? Is it wrong if I don’t tell him? Is it wrong that part of me wants to masturbate again to the biker and see if he watches? Ugh, this is all getting complicated.
“Ooooh, really? Who?” she exclaims excitedly.
“I’ll tell you later. For now, go back to Jayson! I wouldn’t want him to get distracted by anyone else.”
Half true, half lie. I’m keeping my feelings for Ben close to the chest until I figure out what’s going on in his mind…and mine.
“You’re the best. By the way, thank you so much for being a good friend and trying to set me up with Jared. I’ve had many friends, but you’ve shown yourself to be a true one. The other girls would’ve chosen the guy over me. You’re a good person.”
She hugs me by surprise, squeezing me tight. I lean into the hug and squeeze her back just as hard. Wow, a true friend. One I’ve only ever had in Ben, and never a girl.
This is my opening to get closer with Shirley this summer before college.
It’d be nice to have a girl best friend to talk to about womanly things instead of a boy who turns his nose up at it.
I grin thinking of Ben’s reaction whenever I talk about my period.
His scrunched-up nose and spitting his tongue out dramatically is my favorite.
She wiggles her fingers playfully to say bye and walks back to the kitchen to resume her conversation with the cousin.
I return to the pool area, kick my shoes off and walk over to the side where I recognize some cross-country girls.
Julie, Yuni, Kelly and Porter are sitting on a shelf in the pool in the deep end, lounging and laughing together.
With an inhale so deep my ribs expand to the max, I pull my pant legs up to my mid shin and stick my feet in the water next to them, the icy cold water a lifesaver in calming my nerves.
“Hey guys,” I say cheerily.
They all stop talking and smile up at me. That went better than my original fear. I half expected them to ignore me.
“Charlotte! Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you’re out and about. Look at you. You look great!”
I revel in their compliments and let it build a small amount of confidence. This isn’t so scary after all. I should’ve done this sooner, should’ve tried sooner, been braver sooner.
“Aw, thanks so much, guys! You look good too. I promised Jared I’d come, so here I am. Are you all excited for the summer?”
As they excitedly tell me about their plans, regret buries into my chest. Regret that I never tried to make friends and settled with what was easy.
I always had an excuse not to put in the effort.
I think I’ve always feared rejection from them.
Keeping them at an arm’s length was the safest way to protect myself from hurt, but now looking at it, all it did was keep me isolated.
I always believed this was just how things were and that was that. Always telling myself they didn’t want to be my friend for this reason or that reason but never trying to disprove that theory. I could’ve had so many more moments like this and now I won’t.
My eyes begin to burn, and I bite my lip to keep the tears from rolling out. I really hate this window where the tears flow easier. Ugh.
“Hey, Charlotte. Since school’s over and you cannot possibly tell us you’re busy all the time, do you want to come to my bonfire next weekend?
We’re going to have a girl’s only night and a sleepover.
Although, you don’t have to sleepover if you’re not comfortable with it.
” Julie grins, her wet hair sticking on her shoulders so thickly it’s as if she has a drenched animal on them.
Wow, I can’t believe I’m getting invited to a sleepover! After constantly rejecting them, they’re still trying and being so nice about it. I should have given these humans a chance much earlier than this, but this is my moment. I’m not going to mess up this opportunity. I’m going to be brave.
“I’ll be there,” I say brightly, leaning back on my palms and kicking my feet in the water.
“Yasss. Get your phone out so we can exchange numbers. That way I can send you my address.” She rattles off her phone number and instructs me to text her, so she has my information.
This summer might be greater than I expected after all. Excitement bubbles under the surface of my chest. My life can be different than what I’ve had. I don’t have to be a loner like my mother; I can have a social group.
It’s sad I have to convince myself there’s nothing wrong with having a collection of friends.
For some reason, I’ve always looked down on groups of friends, as if they weren’t strong enough to be by themselves and had to lean on other people.
But that’s not the case. Those people were strong to lean on multiple people and be vulnerable with their peers.
There’s no reason I can’t become one of them now.
Become someone who has that group, that collection of humans they can trust more than anyone.
All I have to do is keep taking these small steps in putting myself out there.
I send her the text with my information and linger in the messages, staring at Ben’s text line. Pausing, I hover for a second over it before clicking on his name and texting:
A response pings through immediately.
I love when he says, “hey, you”. It always makes me feel so special.
I laugh out loud and send a silly face emoji back.
Shit.
Saying I wish you were here is much too forward too fast. He’s going to suspect something.
Shit.
Falling back, I belly laugh out loud from hearing his caveman voice in my head. Not wanting to push my luck, I sit my phone down beside me and return to the conversation with the girls.
Of course, the biker boy on Xypher is what they’re giggling about.
But this time, I gladly participate in the conversation about how hot he is, while simultaneously shoving the knowledge down of what I do to myself during those videos, even though I’m mad at him right now. I wonder if any of them have either.