Chapter 21
LYRA
By the time I made it back to my room, I had rehearsed at least six explanations for where I’d been.
Every one of them was a lie. Some were better than others.
None survived the moment I opened the door.
Vareena sat cross-legged on her bed with one of her training bracers balanced across her knee, a needle caught between her fingers as she worked black thread through a tear in the leather.
She didn’t look up. “I covered for you.”
I stopped with one hand still wrapped around the door handle. “What?”
“Calis asked where you disappeared to after drills.” She pulled the thread through and inspected the stitch. “I told her you were sick.”
The door clicked shut behind me.
Vareena bit through the thread. “You’re welcome.” I stared at the back of her head. Her dark hair had been twisted into a loose knot that was slowly losing its battle against gravity. Several strands had already escaped around her face. There was no anger in the set of her shoulders.
“I was going to tell you.”
“Were you?”
“Yes.” She finally looked at me. Extremely dark eyes swept over me once, taking in the sweat-damp hair stuck to my temples, the dirt on my knees, the blood dried along my side.
Then they dropped to my waist. The place where she’d last seen me clutching at myself in the courtyard.
“I’m not going to ask if you’re all right.”
I let out a breath. “Good.”
“Because you’re a terrible liar, and I’m getting tired of giving you opportunities to insult both of us.”
My mouth opened. Closed. Vareena returned to her bracer.
“I don’t know what happened in that courtyard, Lyra.
I don’t know where you went afterward. And apparently I don’t know why you’ve been disappearing every chance you get for the past several days.
” She tugged another length of thread free.
“But I know what pain looks like. I know what fear looks like. And I know you looked at me like you were terrified I might see something.”
My fingers tightened around the strap of my satchel. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel stupid.”
“I know.” That stopped me. Vareena sighed and set the bracer aside. “I don’t think you’re sitting around inventing elaborate ways to lie to me for fun. At least I hope not, because frankly, you aren’t very good at it.”
“I could be.”
“You told me you were tired while actively bleeding through your clothes.”
“That was one time.”
“It was yesterday.”
“Still only one.” Her mouth twitched, but the humor disappeared almost as quickly as it came.
“I don’t need you to tell me everything.”
I looked at her. She unfolded her legs and stood. “But stop making me feel stupid for noticing.”
The words slipped beneath every defense I had ready. Quietly. Somehow that was worse. There was no anger in her voice. She was hurt. And I had done that. “I don’t think you’re stupid.”
“I know that too.”
“Then why—”
“Because every time anything happens, you disappear into your own head and come back pretending nothing happened.” She crossed the small space between our beds. “And then I have to decide whether I’m supposed to believe you or pretend I do.”
My throat tightened. “I don’t know how to tell you.” That was the first completely honest thing I’d said since walking into the room.
Vareena was quiet for a moment. “Okay.”
I looked away. Beyond the window, the Sanctum carried on as though nothing had happened. Steel rang somewhere below. Voices drifted up from the courtyard. Someone laughed.
Everything sounded painfully normal. My entire life had stopped being normal weeks ago.
Years ago.
I just hadn’t known it. “I’m scared.”
The admission came so quietly I almost hoped she hadn’t heard it. She had. Vareena didn’t move. “Of what?”
I looked at her. “That if I tell you, you’ll look at me differently.”
Her brows drew together. “Lyra.”
“I mean it.”
“So do I.”
“You don’t know what it is.”
“No. I don’t.”
“What if it’s bad?”
“Then it’s bad.”
“What if it’s dangerous?”
“Then we’ll figure out how dangerous.”
I gave a humorless laugh. “You make everything sound very simple.”
“No. I just don’t see the point in fearing an answer I don’t have yet.”
“You might.”
“Then give me the opportunity.”
I stared at her. She stared back. No impatience.
No demand. Just Vareena. The girl who had sat beside me when I’d first arrived here knowing absolutely no one.
Who had answered questions I was too embarrassed to ask.
Who had never once treated Hollowborn like an insult.
Who had somehow decided I belonged beside her long before I’d decided I belonged anywhere in the Sanctum.
And I couldn’t lie to her again. Not completely. “Lock the door.”
“Lyra—”
“Please.” She did. The first latch slid into place. Then the second. I crossed to the window and pulled the curtains closed. The room dimmed, and when I turned around, Vareena wasn’t teasing anymore. “What happened?”
My pulse hammered. I reached for the buckles at my waist. Her gaze followed my hands. The leather came easier this time. Kieran had fixed the strap he’d straightened earlier, and the ridiculous thought of his knuckles brushing my waist flashed through my mind before I shoved it aside.
One buckle. Then another. I pulled my tunic upward just enough. Vareena’s eyes went first to the silver-blue lines beneath my ribs.
She’d seen those before.
Almost everyone had. The Light rune had been examined, documented, and whispered about enough that sometimes it felt less like a part of my body and more like Sanctum property.
Then her gaze dropped. The color drained from her face. I couldn’t breathe.
The Shadow rune curled across my hip in dark, elegant lines, black at its center and silver where the light caught its edges. It disappeared beneath the waistband of my leathers, reaching upward until only that narrow strip of bare skin separated darkness from starlight.
Vareena didn’t say anything. Seconds passed. Too many. My heart began beating harder. “Say something.” She didn’t. “Vareena.”
Her eyes lifted to mine. Then dropped again. “That’s Shadow.
My stomach turned. “Yes.” Another silence.
I couldn’t stand it. “It started before today. The magic, I mean. I didn’t know what it was at first. Not really.
I thought my light had gone wrong, or that whatever touched me in Edenlo had followed me here, but then I started seeing the shadows more and I—”
“Lyra.”
“—couldn’t tell anyone because you know what they do with magic they don’t understand, and Light isn’t supposed to coexist with Shadow.
I didn’t even know if it counted at first because I’m Light.
I’m supposed to be Light. “But then this morning Neseryn’s magic got too close and the shadows reacted and the rune started—”
“Lyra.”
“—burning and I couldn’t stop it—”
“Stop.” I did. Vareena stood perfectly still. Then she walked away from me, and my mind went exactly where I had been afraid it would.
Of course.
Of course she—
Vareena crossed the room. Checked the door. Then slid the heavy iron bolt above the two latches into place. She went to the window next. She tugged the curtains tighter until not even a sliver of afternoon light showed between them.
Then she turned around. “Who else knows?”
I stared at her. “What?”
“Who else knows?”
“You’re not—”
“Going to scream?” She frowned. “Would you like me to?”
“No.”
“Good. Because that would make locking the door rather pointless.” My lungs finally remembered how to work. Vareena crossed back toward me. “Who knows?”
I hesitated.
Her eyes narrowed. “Oh, gods.”
“What?”
“Nyxara.” I said nothing. Her jaw dropped “he knows.”
“Keep your voice down.”
“Kieran fucking Nyxara knows?”
“Vareena.”
“Before me?” I blinked.
Of all possible reactions, that hadn’t been one I’d prepared for. “That’s what you’re upset about?”
“I haven’t decided what I’m upset about yet. There are currently several things competing for the honor.”
Despite everything, a laugh escaped me. Small, but real enough that Vareena pointed at me. “Don’t laugh. I am having a crisis.”
“You aren’t the one with Shadow magic.”
“Exactly. I’m having a crisis on your behalf. It’s exhausting.” I pressed my lips together. The teasing fell away. “Does it hurt?”
“What?”
“The rune.”
I stared at her. Of everything she could have asked. How? Why? What are you? Are you dangerous? Are you even Light born? She asked if it hurt. “It did.”
Vareena’s eyes dropped to my hip again. “How badly?”
“Bad.”
Her jaw tightened. “Today?” I nodded. “In the courtyard?”
“That’s why I left.”
Understanding moved across her face. “And you were alone?”
“No.” Her eyes lifted slowly. I already knew what was coming. “Nyxara?”
“Yes.”
Her lips pressed into a thin line. “I can’t decide whether that makes me feel better or considerably worse.”
“He helped me.”
“I’m sure he did.”
I frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.”
“It didn’t sound like nothing.”
“It was nothing.”
“Now who’s lying?”
Her mouth twitched. I refastened my leathers. Vareena waited until I’d finished before sitting on the edge of my bed. “So he knows about the magic.”
“Yes.”
“And the rune.”
“Yes.”
“How long?”
“The rune? Since this morning.”
“The Shadow.”
I hesitated. Her eyes narrowed again. “A while.”
“How long is a while?”
“Vareena.”
“Lyra.”
I sighed. “Since shortly after I arrived.”
Her face went blank. “You’ve had Shadow magic almost the entire time you’ve been here?”
“I didn’t know what it was.”
“But he did.”
“Yes.”
“And he’s been helping you.” I said nothing. Her gaze dropped to the blood at my side. Then back to me. “Oh.”
“What?”
Her eyes narrowed. “That’s where you’ve been going.” Shit. “You disappear after lessons. Sometimes before dinner. You came back three nights ago looking like you’d been dragged down a mountain.”
“I wasn’t dragged.”
“Thank the gods. That really clears things up.”
“He’s training me.”
Her stare sharpened. “Training you how?”
I gestured vaguely. “To control it.”
“And apparently stab you?”
“He didn’t stab me.”
She pointed at the torn fabric at my ribs. “He cut you.”
“It was training.”