32. Chase
THIRTY-TWO
CHASE
When I asked if Goldi wanted to go for a drive, I didn’t plan to end up at the lake, but here we are. I have so many things I want to say, but I’m silent because I know it’s not what she needs to hear, and I’ve spent enough time over the years being a selfish prick when it comes to her.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I ignore it, already knowing it’s Marissa trying me again. I’m a shit boyfriend for not responding, but when I look at Goldi, it’s hard to care, because for the first time tonight, she looks relaxed, leaned back on her elbows in the bed of my truck as she stares at the water.
I love seeing her like this. It reminds me of when we were kids.
“Do you remember that date you went on with that fuckface Reed? He brought you here to the lake.”
A soft smile grows on her face. “Yep. It was a great date.”
I scoff, decades-old jealousy creeping into my bones. “You mean it was great after the date.”
She laughs. “You really need me to stroke your ego that badly?”
“I was so fucking jealous,” I admit.
Goldi looks at me. “I know you were.”
“The thought of him touching you made me lose my mind. It was all I could think about. And when I found out he brought you out here…” I shake my head, chuckling. “I thought I’d go insane with how much I wanted to take his place. He was doing things with you I wanted to do. Things I wouldn’t let myself do.”
She turns her head, resting against the blanket I’ve laid out and watching me with sad eyes.
“Even after we were together, I never really let myself. I didn’t have the balls to be what you needed.” I suck on my teeth. “I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
“Why do you bring me here?” she asks.
That’s a good question, and it takes me a minute to answer. Not because I have to think of why, but because I’m not sure she really wants to hear it.
“Because life gets noisy, and when I was a kid…when I was in your room, under your makeshift sky with those tacky glow-in-the-dark stickers, the world would get quiet.” I wave my arm at the Tennessee starlight. “I thought maybe this could do the same for you.”
She stares at me, and I watch the delicate slope of her neck as she swallows. “Sometimes…sometimes I look at you and I wanna punch you in the face.”
I laugh. “Don’t sugarcoat it, damn.”
She grins. “It’s the truth.” Her smile fades. “But then…then there are other times, like now, when I’m happy you’re back, and that makes me feel stupid ’cause I should know better than to let you into my life.”
I try to tamp down the emotions her words cause, but the happiness infuses my chest anyway, swirling around and mixing with the sharp stab of knowing she thinks I’m just another bad decision. I turn until I’m on my side, propping my head up in my hands and locking my gaze on hers. “I messed up with you, I know that. I didn’t put you first, and I wasn’t there for you the way you’ve always, always been there for me. The truth is, I didn’t know how to put you first when I had never done it for myself. I’ll live the rest of my life with that regret.”
She blinks at me and then nods. “Good.”
“I’d love to have a conversation where I tell you all the ways I know I’ve fucked up, but I know that’s not what you need from me. Not right now.”
“I may never be ready for that, Chase.”
My heart splinters, even though I’ve known that for a while. Since I’ve been back, if I’m being honest. “I respect that, but can I say one thing?”
“Chase, I?—”
“Just…please.” I reach over and put my finger on her lips. Her perfect fucking lips. My chest aches from what I’m about to say, and I know she can feel my finger trembling. “I’m sorry, Alina. I’m so sorry. I know they’re just words and they don’t make up for shit, and I know they’re eight years too late. But there they are.”
Her lips part, and I watch as my words sink into her. Desperation claws at me and I do my best to ignore it. There’s nothing I want more than for her to forgive my sins, but I won’t ask that.
Forgiveness isn’t mine to demand; it’s hers to give.
She pulls away from me and faces the sky. I follow suit, lying against the blanket, my apology lingering in the space between us.
“Thank you,” she speaks into the silence. “For the apology…and for bringin’ me here. It helps.”
I was hoping it would. Her dad has a serious problem, and he talks to her like an asshole. Blames her for things he has no fucking business laying on her shoulders. I know what that can do to someone’s psyche.
Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I peek at her from the corner of my eye. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
I nod. There are a million things I want to say. You’re beautiful. I still love you. Your mom’s death is not your fault and fuck your dad for making you think it is. Instead, I reach into the space between us and grasp her hand, squeezing lightly, my blood pumping as I wait to see if she squeezes back.
She does.