36. Chase
THIRTY-SIX
CHASE
This past week was a bit surreal. I’ve fallen into a new normal with Goldi and her dad. I went over there the first time because I could see the strain on her face, could sense it in the slump of her shoulders and the circles under her eyes, and I just wanted to give her the night off, let her get some rest. I keep going because I can’t fucking help myself. I look forward to our conversations, even the ones with Mr. Carson. When he’s not sloshed beyond recognition, there are still hints of the man underneath.
When I answered the door on Friday and Jax was on the other side, it was a rainbow of emotion. I’ve missed my best friend, but my anger and jealousy knowing he has Goldi burns the sadness away, leaving an anger in its place that I don’t know how to tamp out. I hate it because it reminds me of when I was a kid, with emotions so big and trauma so strong I spun out of control constantly.
I don’t know what was said between Jax and Goldi when they went out front, but inside, it was easy to hear the raised voices, muffled through the walls. Did she not tell him about me? The thought makes me feel dirty. Like a damn secret.
It hurts , and for the first time, I think I understand what Goldi felt like all those years ago when I kept our relationship hidden in the dark.
Needless to say, I was more than ready to see Doc over the weekend. There were a thousand things to unload and even more for him to read from my journal. He’s always good at giving me guidance.
Especially on the Marissa front.
I’ve been getting messages from her since last Thursday. They started out innocent, asking how I was doing, wondering if we could still be friends. I responded because I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already have, and I figured if we could be friends, maybe it would lessen the sting of the breakup. I quickly realized my mistake when the messages started to escalate. I was in my hotel room getting ready to see Doc the first time she sent a picture of her pussy. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I erased the image and didn’t reply. More came in through the day, like clockwork—every hour on the hour—until I finally told her to knock it the fuck off. There hasn’t been another one since, but I’m not an idiot, and I know it’s only a matter of time before she reaches back out.
Despite all of that, I’ve been eager to get back to Sugarlake. Back to Goldi. Now that it’s Monday, I’m tempted to go straight to the work site to see her, but I need to stop at the home office and do a few things first.
I’m rushing around, fumbling through the papers on my desk, when Sam walks in. He makes himself comfortable in the chair across from me, crossing his ankle on his knee.
I give a wave. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey, son. Just checking in. How are things going with Tiny Dancers?”
“Great. We’re ahead of schedule.”
“I saw that. I knew you’d knock it out of the park. The owner giving you any flak?”
“Nah, I don’t really see her too often.” I narrow my eyes at him. Does he know about Goldi working there? “You’ll never guess who the office manager is.”
“Who?”
“Alina.”
He sits forward, uncrossing his legs. “Craig’s daughter, Alina?”
I can feel the happiness on my face as I think about her. Damn, I can’t wait to see her.
Sam watches me, his jaw pinching more with every moment. “Be careful, Chase.”
“What do you mean ‘be careful’?”
“I mean…last time things went south with Alina, you disappeared for eight years. We just got you back. It would break Anna’s heart if you were to leave again.”
My smile drops along with my stomach. I thought it was beyond obvious the downfall of our relationship was on me. The fact he’s insinuating otherwise is fucking crazy. “Are you blaming Alina ?”
He watches me carefully. “I blame the circumstances. Anna still has a hard time accepting that Alina ran you out of town.”
I frown. “She didn’t run me out of town, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Well, you ran off without telling us anything and we were left to make our own assumptions. The heartbreak was written all over your face, Chase. It wasn’t difficult to put two and two together.”
I’m sure it was. I remember what it felt like—can’t imagine how it came across to others.
Sam’s eyes soften. “I’ve always loved Alina, you know that. I’m just saying maybe the two of you are better apart than together. Don’t put everything you’ve worked for in jeopardy because of some old feelings from back when you were a kid.”
I’m shocked this is even a conversation, and to be honest, it’s pissing me off.
“A lot of things happened, and I know I never opened up to you or Anna, but I’ll say this, and I’ll say it to her, too…and please, listen close because I really don’t want to have this conversation again. Alina was not the problem. It was all me. I was the fuckup. So, if you’re gonna place blame somewhere, make sure it’s in the right direction.”
Sam rubs the back of his neck as he nods.
“Speaking of Alina, how come you didn’t tell me about Mr. Carson?”
His face drops. “What do you mean?”
My chin raises and I squint my eyes. “What do you think I mean?”
“I have no damn clue.” Sam laughs. “The truth is, after you left, it was hard for us to stay close with Craig. He was grieving, and being around Alina was hard for us. Especially for Anna. Can’t really look at the girl and not feel the loss of both you and Lily.”
My heart weighs heavy with his words, stomach sinking at the realization of how much my actions affected the way they are with Mr. Carson. With Goldi. “But you still saw Mr. Carson here at work, didn’t you?”
Sam’s head shakes and he purses his lips. “He took personal time after Gail’s funeral and never came back. I’ve thought about reaching out over the years, but I never know what to say. Other than a wave here and there when I see him in the neighborhood, we haven’t really talked.”
I’m surprised as hell they didn’t try harder with Mr. Carson. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed. But this does answer my question.
Sam doesn’t know about his drinking.
Goldi’s avoiding me. Instead of the shy smiles and eye contact that heats my veins, we’re back to cold shoulders and turned heads. I’m willing to bet it’s because of Jax. Once again, I feel like her dirty little secret and the feeling fucking sucks. I don’t want to come between her and Jax, even though the thought of them together makes me fucking crazy. Okay, that’s a lie. I’d love to come between them, make her realize it’s us who are meant to be, but I’m not going to do that. If he makes her happy, I’ll suffer through her friendship for the rest of my life and find a way to be content.
Work is busy, so I don’t push a conversation with Goldi. If she wants to pretend we’re back to being strangers, I’ll let her be. But if she thinks I’m not showing up to her dad’s tonight, she’s in for a shock. As long as I can help, I will.
There isn’t much conversation during dinner. Mr. Carson’s in one of his moods and has learned quickly if he has nothing nice to say to Alina, he needs to keep his fucking mouth shut—at least when I’m around. But that tension that had all but disappeared between Goldi and me is back, twisting the air and pulling it tight, letting me know things are not okay with us. I’m racking my brain to figure out what the hell it is I did to make this sudden one-eighty shift.
I set her dad up in his recliner after we eat and hang out with him until he starts to doze off and then I head back to the kitchen to check in on Goldi.
She’s at the sink, soapsuds up to her arms as she slowly washes the dishes. It looks like she’s in a trance, staring out the window, lost in her thoughts. I walk up beside her, wedging myself between the corner of the fridge and the counter, watching her rub the wet sponge over the surface of a red plate.
“You feeling good today, Goldi?” Every time I use her nickname, I hold my breath, waiting to see if she gets upset. I’ve slipped up a few times and she hasn’t called me on it, so I use it now to test the waters.
Her arms pause and her jaw tightens, but she doesn’t correct me. She just looks back down to the plate and resumes washing it.
I cross my arms, my forearms flexing. “Did I do something to upset you?”
She peeks over at me but bites her lip to keep from saying anything.
I chuckle in frustration. “Now I know something’s up. It’s not like you to hold back. You finally learn how to hone that filter?” I go for teasing, but it misses the mark as she drops the plate and sponge in the water, twisting her head to shoot me a sharp glare.
Even with the rage that swirls around her irises, she’s fucking beautiful.
“Don’t act cute,” she hisses, pointing a soapy finger at me.
I raise my brows and gesture at myself. “Me? What am I doing?”
“You know exactly what you’re doin’. Comin’ in here, takin’ care of me and Daddy like you have any right. Tryin’ to weave your way back into my good graces, and make me forget about the past. Well, I’m done playin’ your games, Chase Adams. I won’t be made a fool of again.”
“Whoa…that is not what I’m trying to do. There isn’t some ulterior motive here, Goldi.”
She slams her hands on the edge of the sink, the sharp slap making me wince. “Stop callin’ me that! You don’t get to call me that anymore. It’s confusin’. Makes me feel like we’re still…”
“Still what?” I ask, moving closer to her, my heart racing.
She exhales. “Still us.”
My insides burn at her words, and I take another step. “We’ll always be us, Goldi.”
Her head jerks, eyes like ice. “I don’t accept that.”
“You don’t have to.” I shrug. “Doesn’t change the fact.”
“Here’s a fact. You were sleepin’ with someone else while my mama was dyin’ , so…” She inhales a shaky breath, her voice breaking. “You can’t just come back here and expect things to magically be okay.”
My stomach drops to my feet. What? Does she think… I cover my mouth, the realization she’s spent the last eight years thinking I cheated on her making bile burn my throat. What the fuck. I grip her hips, turning her to face me. Her soapy hands soak through my shirt as she tries to push me away, but I glide my palms up her sides until I’m firmly gripping her shoulders, anchoring her in place. I need to keep her here. Make sure she hears what I’m about to say. This is important.
“Alina…” She stops fighting. “I’ve done a lot of things I regret when it comes to you. To us . Got lost in my head and let you slip through my fingers, instead of treating you like the fucking queen you are. I know I’m guilty of that.”
She looks to the side. I put my fingers under her chin and turn her face back. “I have never cheated on you. There isn’t anything in this world that would make me pick a quick thrill over what we had. What we still have.”
“I don’t believe you,” she whispers.
My gut tightens, but I’m not surprised by her words. “That picture on Facebook looked bad. Missing your recital was bad. Being blind to Lindsay manipulating me, allowing her to come between us, was beyond bad. But that’s all it was, Alina. Lindsay’s manipulations and my fucked-up brain thinking she was my penance. A way to right my wrongs with Lily and my mom.”
Tears well in her eyes. I’m desperate to get it all out while I have her attention. “I passed out that day. Do you remember me saying I was about to take a nap?”
She nods.
“Lindsay was there, which I admit, was fucking stupid. I’m not justifying my actions. She turned off my phone and slipped into my bed. But, baby, I was asleep . You have to know—” My voice cracks, and I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Lindsay was a horrible mistake, but she wasn’t that kind of mistake. You have to know I would never do that to you.”
She gazes at me, searching for the truth. “I don’t know anything about you. Not anymore.”
The side of my mouth lifts, even though my chest feels like a bleeding puncture wound.
“You know that’s not true. When it comes to us? We’ll always know each other.” I move my touch from under her chin, dipping down to her neck, her pulse jumping beneath my fingertips. “We could go our entire lives without speaking, and still, I’d know you in the next one.”
She exhales a shaky breath, and I rest my forehead against hers. Her hands are still on my chest and I grab one, moving it until her palm is resting on my heart. “Do you feel that?” I whisper. “Feel how fast it’s racing? Feel what you do to me?”
“Yes,” she whispers.
“My heart fucking beats for you, Goldi. So please, let’s not pretend we don’t know each other. The sole reason for my existence is to know you. In this life, in the next…it doesn’t matter.”
Her fingers tighten, bunching the fabric of my shirt.
“I’m not asking you to forgive me. I’m not even asking for us to be together, although, if that’s something you decide you want, I’ll grab on and never let go. But it doesn’t matter. Call it kismet, call it fate, call it whatever you want, it doesn’t change the fact your soul is meant for mine.” My heart slams against my chest, trying to break through my skin to lay itself in her hands. “ Knowing you is the only thing I’m sure of.”
She leans back, her searching gaze meeting mine. “You really didn’t sleep with Lindsay?”
“That’s what you got out of all that?” I move my hand that was on her neck up to her cheek and cup it. She turns into my touch, and fuck, I’d spend every night for the rest of my life with just this, and I swear it would be enough. “I never slept with her. The only person I’ve ever wanted is you.”
The air thickens, weaving around us and tightening until I’m sure I’ll burst if I don’t get closer. My grip strengthens, pulling her against me. Her hands clench my shirt and she rises up on her toes.
“Chase—” she breathes.
My eyes are locked on her mouth, desperate for just a fucking taste of her. I lean my head down, lightly grazing my lips across hers. The touch shoots a tingle through my body, and my stomach somersaults with anticipation.
Slam.
The sound of a crash breaks us apart. Goldi’s eyes widen as she stares at me, her hand touching her lips. She turns and runs into the living room, and I follow.
Her dad’s fallen out of his recliner, passed out on the floor.
She sighs and walks over to him. “Daddy,” she says, even though we both know once he’s out, he’s out.
I want to go back to a few seconds ago, but instead of pulling her into my arms, it’s Mr. Carson I go for.
By the time I get him settled in bed, she’s already gone.