45. Alina
FORTY-FIVE
ALINA
I think I might be in shock. Back when Lily overdosed and disappeared, a lot was left unsaid. Chase was closed off, and I was too afraid of pushing him to pry, so I didn’t hear the details. I didn’t realize he spent hours searching, and when he finally found her, she was on the brink of death. Chase has lived with this memory seared into his brain, torturing him. An entire experience that would shape the rest of his life, and I had no idea of its depth. I never knew. My heart cracks because I never thought to ask.
He tells me about the gas station. My eyes grow wide with every sentence he utters. I’m cozy in a pair of his basketball shorts and a tee, sitting on his couch, watching him pace a hole through his living room floor.
“I mean, I have to do something, right?” he asks.
“You don’t have to do anything. Do you think you should?”
He rips at his thick, dark hair. I’m surprised he has any left on his head after the years of abuse the strands have endured.
“I should have killed that motherfucker. I’m gonna go back. You think he’s still there?” He stops in the middle of the room, spinning to face me. His fists open and close at his sides.
“I think you should take a deep breath.” I inhale and blow it out to show him how it’s done. He mimics me, and some of the rigidity leaves his posture. “Now, come over here. Sit down and we can talk this through.” I pat the spot next to me.
He plops on the couch. I scoot him forward so he’s on the edge, and I squeeze behind him, my fingers kneading the tension out of his shoulders. He groans, his head dropping to give me better access.
“Have you talked to your folks about any of this? I mean, do you ever bring up Lily?”
He blows out a breath. “No. We don’t talk about her.”
My hands pause their movements. His words surprise me. “Never?”
“Never.”
“Well…then I think that’s the first step. You need to talk to them. For all we know, they could’ve been in contact with her and not told you.”
His shoulders tighten. “They wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh, no? Have you given them the impression you’d be open to hearin’ about her?”
He quiets. The old Chase would clam up and change the subject anytime Lily’s name was spoken, so I wouldn’t be surprised if his folks were scared to bring her up in conversation. But I could be wrong because this new Chase is an enigma. He’s more open than he was in the past; this weekend in Nashville proved that.
The Nar-Anon meeting was different than I expected. I’ve been spending the past twenty-four hours processing, and I’m still not sure how I feel. I’ve heard about Alcoholics Anonymous. Heck, I’ve tried to get Daddy to go a thousand times, but I hadn’t heard of a support group for friends and family.
Their stories were harrowing, digging deep inside, and pulling up ugly feelings I’d rather keep buried, exposing the rawness I only uncover in solitude.
I didn’t think there would ever be a day where Chase spoke his story. I spent years hoping he’d share his burdens. Even though I get now why he kept them buried, the fact I wasn’t what he needed to heal is a bitter pill to swallow.
There are some things the heart can’t forget. Loving Chase is one. Being hurt by him is another. But losing my daddy to the devil makes me understand. Chase’s mama ravaged his soul, leaving him to pick up the pieces, and abilities become stunted when something is battered and bruised. It doesn’t excuse his behavior. It doesn’t lessen the phantom pain of his betrayals. But it helps.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he blurts.
“I say a lot of things.” I press my fingers into a knot on his neck.
“About a private investigator to find Lily. I wasn’t planning on doing anything, but maybe this is the universe telling me I need to.”
“Do you think that’s what it is? A sign from God?”
“I don’t fucking know.” He tugs his hair again, leaning into me. “What do you think I should do?”
The lost look in his eyes makes me want to scour the world for him. I chew my lip, considering my words. “I reckon you should talk to your folks before you decide on anything.”
He reaches back, palming my thigh. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Will you come with me?”
My eyes bulge. “To talk to Sam and Anna?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to do it alone.” His voice cracks.
“Okay. I’ll go.” I slide my hands to his chest, wrapping my legs around his waist and squeezing tight.
I don’t tell him how the thought of seeing them makes my stomach roll. How every time I’ve run into Anna, the air grows chilly. I don’t open up about the resentment I feel knowing Sam dropped Daddy like he couldn’t be bothered to help him through his pain.
I don’t mention any of these things, but I sure do think them.
The smell of fresh coffee wakes me the next morning, and I inhale deep, groaning as I stretch my muscles. I take my time getting out of Chase’s bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Snatching my phone off the end table, I check the time. I’m relieved I didn’t oversleep. I don’t want to be late for work, in case Regina’s there.
Grabbing my clothes from my overnight bag, I head to the en suite. I don’t have any of my toiletries—other than a toothbrush—so I’ll have to use whatever’s available. The thought of smelling like Chase all day makes my insides flutter.
Showered and dressed for the day, I walk to the kitchen in search of some caffeine and some kisses from my man. Chase is leaning on the counter, scrolling his phone while he sips coffee. He looks up and smiles. My heart skips. Those dang dimples.
“You feeling good today, Goldi?” he asks.
“Hi.” I grin, planting a soft kiss on his lips. “I feel great.”
His big hand grabs me from behind and squeezes, pulling me further into him. “Fuck, I love having you here in the morning. Did you sleep okay?”
I nod, swiping his coffee and taking a drink. I hum as it hits my tongue. There’s just something about that first sip in the morning that can’t be beaten. Having Chase next to me while I savor the taste is the cherry on top. I could get used to this.
His eyes darken as he watches me. “You better stop that.”
“Stop what?” I murmur, taking another gulp.
“Everything you’re doing. You’re making me want to bend you over this counter, and we don’t have time for that.”
My body heats as I imagine the feeling of him behind me, pushing my hips into the granite with his thrusts. I shift and bite my lip, arousal zinging between my legs.
He interrupts my daydream. “I’m gonna be at the main office all day. I’ll talk to Sam about getting together for dinner tonight. Will that work for you?”
I rub my thumb over his lips. “Yep, works for me.”
His teeth snap at my fingers and I squeal, jerking my hand away. He chortles, standing to grab his keys from the counter.
“I’ve gotta get going.” His hands frame my face, his tongue parting my lips and dipping in my mouth for a quick taste. My eyes flutter closed, and the threads of our connection dance—content that we’re finally together.
“Stay as long as you like, make yourself at home,” he whispers against my mouth.
My fingers circle his wrists. “Maybe I’ll just come straight here after work…if that’s okay?”
“Baby, you could move in tomorrow and I’d be okay with it.” He brushes my cheeks with his thumbs, leaving me with one last kiss.
That night, we pull into Sam and Anna’s driveway, but I’m stuck looking at the house three doors down. I haven’t talked to Eli or Daddy since our fight. Eli texted and tried to call, but I need to calm down before I answer, otherwise, who knows what will come out of my mouth. I may say things I’ll regret, or I might ask what the heck he was thinking letting Daddy go to a bar. Or how come my best friend’s acting a fool over him getting hitched.
“Hey, you okay?” A squeeze on my thigh makes me realize I’ve been staring in a daze.
I muster up a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just worryin’ is all.”
“Do you want to stop by there after dinner?” He tilts his head toward where I’ve been looking.
Do I? Yes. No. Maybe. Nothing good can come of it, but I can’t help that I miss Daddy even if I know he isn’t missing me.
“Maybe. Let’s just deal with one thing at a time.”
As we walk the pathway to his front door, my nerves grow tenfold, jumping around at the thought of seeing Sam and Anna. Chase walks right in, pulling me with him. Being here after so long is a bit surreal. There are so many memories tied up in this place, and I spent years trying to forget them.
The smell of good home cooking makes me pine for my mama. I missed my weekly visit to her grave on Sunday and feel guilty for not making it a priority once I came home. Tomorrow, I’m makin’ time.
“Anybody home?” Chase hollers.
Anna swings around the corner, her long blond hair twirling as she rushes into Chase’s arms.
“Hi, honey.” She palms his cheeks. The hole in my heart where Mama’s love used to be aches.
“Hey, Anna.” Chase beams. “Smells good in here, thanks for having us.”
She smacks his shoulder, shushing him. “This is your home, you’re always welcome.” She glances at me, her blue eyes cooling. “Alina. How are you?”
She’s polite—her southern roots strong—but that’s the extent of her hospitality.
Chase looks between us, reaching out and pulling me into his side. I don’t miss the way Anna’s eyes swing to where he holds me. Her lips purse.
I’m antsy, her judgment making my palms sweat. “Anna, thanks so much for havin’ me. It smells delicious.”
“Mmm. My pleasure.” Her smile looks painful.
She turns back toward Chase, leaving me forgotten in the hallway, as she links their arms and walks to the kitchen. I follow behind, my stomach sinking at her disregard. What did I do to make her hate me so much?
“Is there anything I can help with?” I ask, looking around.
Anna doesn’t spare me a glance. “I’ve got everything handled, thank you kindly. Make yourself at home.”
Chase starts to walk toward me, but Anna grips his arm, stealing his attention back as she tells him about the new yoga group she’s in. He gazes at me over her shoulder and I wave him off.
What the heck do I do now? I peer out of the sliding back door and see Sam lounging in a chair, beer bottle to his lips. I head toward him.
Stepping outside allows me to breathe easy for the first time since we’ve shown up. The twilight sky bathes the ground in orangey-pink hues, showcasing beauty that’s lacking every other time of day. I plop in the lounge chair next to Sam.
“Beautiful evening, isn’t it?” He smiles.
“One of the best Tennessee sunsets I’ve seen,” I agree.
“That’s high praise coming from a native.”
“I call it like I see it, Mr. Adams.”
He angles his head, his gray-speckled sandy-brown hair flopping as he looks at me from green eyes. “When have you ever called me anything other than Sam, Alina? Don’t start being formal now, just because it’s been a few years.”
“Okay, Sam.” My lips curl in a smile, relieved the animosity from inside hasn’t followed me.
“So, how ya been? It’s been a while.”
“I’m great, thanks for askin’.” It’s an automatic response, and even though it isn’t one-hundred-percent true, it’s the only answer he’ll get.
He bobs his head, staring at the horizon. “And your dad?”
I hesitate. My knee-jerk reaction is to say he’s fine, great. Better than ever. But I can’t find it in myself to lie for him. Not anymore.
“He’s…strugglin’.”
Sam frowns. I glance at my hands, the urge to vomit out the truth overwhelming me, but the back door opens before I have the chance.
“Dinner’s ready, y’all!” Anna sings.
Sam looks like he wants me to keep talking, but I give him a small smile, shaking my head like it isn’t a big deal.
Daddy’s secret is safe for another day.