46. Chase
FORTY-SIX
CHASE
Goldi steps onto the back deck and sits next to Sam and I want to follow her, but I’d like a minute alone with Anna. There are a couple of things I need to get across before dinner. I didn’t miss the animosity she was spewing toward Goldi, and even though Sam warned me, seeing it with my own eyes is disappointing. It never occurred to me they would blame Goldi for things going sour, and while I can’t go back in time and fix the wrongs of my past, I sure as hell can make sure they don’t continue in the future.
I watch Anna chop tomatoes and drone on about yoga. I’m trying to stay focused on what she’s saying, but I’m too irritated to pay attention. Before this moment, I’ve never felt anything but love and admiration—for that to be tainted so quickly is jarring.
“Anna,” I interrupt her rambling.
She turns from her chopping board, stopping midsentence.
“What was that?” I keep my voice low, not wanting anything to carry out back. The last thing I want is for Goldi to hear this conversation.
“I don’t know what you mean.” Anna glances toward the deck, letting me know she does, in fact, know what I’m talking about. She resumes chopping her tomatoes.
“I mean with Goldi, but I think you knew that.”
“I’m treatin’ her the same way I always have.”
She’s avoiding eye contact even though I’m sure she can feel the weight of my gaze. That’s okay, she doesn’t need to say anything. She just needs to listen.
“Can I ask you something, Anna? Do you love Sam?”
“You know I do.” Her eyes soften.
“Can you imagine what it would be like if you had to live your life without him? How it would feel knowing the love of your life was out there, wanting absolutely nothing to do with you because of things that you did?”
The knife in Anna’s hand pauses.
“And then imagine that by some miracle, you get a second chance. That finally , you get to experience being loved by the other half of your soul.”
“Chase, I don’t know?—”
I cut her off. “I know I’ve never opened up to you. That’s on me, and I’m sorry for any pain that’s caused you.”
Her eyes gloss over and she curls her lips in, her hand rising to her chest.
“But listen to me when I tell you this, Anna, because I’m only gonna say it once. Goldi is it for me. She always was and she always will be. Anything that happened in the past, everything that happened in the past, is on me. I fucked up, and made her think I did things that broke her heart. I did break her heart. Alina did absolutely nothing wrong, other than try to save me from myself. And for some reason, she’s still here with me, so she’s not going anywhere. I lost her once, I won’t lose her again. If you can’t come to terms with that…” I blow out a breath. “If you force me into making a choice…I won’t bring her somewhere she feels unwelcome.”
Anna wipes under her eyes. “She was Lily’s best friend , Chase. Do you really believe she had nothin’ to do with what Lily got into?”
My chin rises along with my eyebrows. “Is that what you think?”
“I find it hard to believe anything else.”
“Lily hid the truth from every single one of us, Anna. Hell—she lived with us and we didn’t know. Or maybe we did and chose to be blind to what was right in front of our faces.” I shake my head. “Either way, projecting that onto Alina isn’t okay, especially since she’s the one trying to convince me to not give up hope when it comes to Lily.” I step closer, leaning my head down to catch her eyes with mine. “She isn’t to blame. Not for Lily. Not for me. I know you love us, and I know we’re your kids…but we’re the ones in the wrong here. It’s us who have to make up things to Alina, not the other way around.”
Anna scowls. “She made you up and leave us. You couldn’t even hear the word Sugarlake without your bleedin’ heart spillin’ through your eyes. You can say whatever you want, but…I struggled for years to have children, and then I finally got two. If it weren’t for her, if she had never been in your lives”—she points the knife toward the back deck—“maybe I’d still have you both.”
I keep my face stoic, but inside, my heart is being wrung out to dry from her words. This is a lot deeper than a simple misunderstanding. Anna and Sam had years of fertility issues. If she’s blaming Goldi for the loss of her children, after years of struggling—that’s going to be more than a ten-minute conversation before dinner.
“That’s not fair,” I argue.
She shrugs, her eyes sad even through her smile. “It may not be, but it’s how I feel.”
My jaw clenches. “Be upset at Lily. Be angry at me. Be pissed off at the hand life dealt you…but please don’t think I’ll sit back and let you take it out on her. I won’t bring her here to be disrespected.”
“I know.” She nods. “You love her more than you love us.”
My stomach sinks at her words. I fucking hate this. “I love you. You have been the best mom a guy could ask for.”
She gasps. It’s the first time I’ve said the words. The first time I’ve called her mom. I pull her in for a hug and she collapses against my chest. I hold her close, years of my mistakes and her longing culminating as tears stain my shirt. After a few moments, she sniffles and pulls back.
I hold her by her shoulders. “I’m in love with her. Try to understand, Anna, please . My world was black for so long, you know?”
“And she’s the light?” Anna asks softly.
“She’s every star in the sky.”
Anna nods. “I’ll try,” she says finally before wiping her tears and heading to the back patio to let Sam and Goldi know it’s time for dinner.
I set the table, my stomach rumbling from the smell of Anna’s cooking. It’s one of the things I’ve missed most over the years.
For the first half of dinner, we talk about Sam’s retirement party. It’s this Saturday, so Anna is trying to get all the last-minute details sorted. She’s excited, almost bouncing out of her seat when she talks. Sam, on the other hand, isn’t. I know for a fact he would rather not be retiring at all, but he’s doing it to appease Anna. Happy wife, happy life.
I wonder if Mr. Carson plans on going. No one knows about his drinking, and I’m pretty positive he’s past the point of being able to fake it.
There’s a lull in the conversation, and I know this is my chance. Nausea rages through my gut, and my knee hits the bottom of the table from my jitters. It doesn’t matter; my nerves won’t stop me from this. Now that I know Lily’s in Arizona, I won’t be able to rest until I make sure she’s okay.
“So.” I clear my throat. “Something interesting happened. I want to talk to you guys about it, but I’m not really sure how to bring it up.” I clench my fork, the metal stinging as it presses into my palm.
Anna places her napkin in her lap. “You know you can tell us anything, Chase.”
“Right.” I nod. “I ran into someone who knows Lily.”
The table goes mute. Anna’s smile drops and Sam’s shoulders stiffen.
Goldi reaches over and links our fingers, giving me the strength to continue. “He told me she’s in Arizona. Or at least, that she was a few months back.”
Sam leans forward, his elbows on the table, his attention rapt. “How does he know that? She still talks to him?”
“I don’t know, I wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind for asking questions.” Even thinking about that motherfucker makes the rage bubble in my veins.
“Hmm.” Sam’s eyes are calculating. Anna is still frozen in her seat, her face drawn.
I look between them. “Do you guys still look for her? Has she ever reached out to you?”
Sam’s eyes droop like he’s disappointed I’d ask. “You really think we wouldn’t tell you that, son?”
“I wasn’t exactly open to hearing about her. Talking about her is hard for me.” I squeeze Goldi’s hand tight, using her to anchor me. “I’ve been thinking about hiring a private investigator. Actually, it was Alina’s idea.”
Sam leans back in his seat, sighing. “We hired one a few years back. He looked for over a year, but he never found anything.”
Goldi pipes up. “Do you think it would help if he knew she might be in Arizona? You know, somethin’ concrete to go on?”
Sam considers her words. “It’s possible.” He looks to Anna, who is stone-still, silent as a lamb. “I think his name was Don something. Based in Nashville. He’s a bit seedy, but apparently, he’s the best. I’ll find his info and give it to you. Maybe you’ll have more luck than we did.”
I nod, my heart rising to my throat with the thought of finding Lily. It doesn’t settle back in my chest—even after I go home, sleep, and get ready for work the next day.
After dinner, I thought I’d be able to talk everything through with Goldi, but then Becca called. I could hear her screeching from the driver’s side of the truck, and when Goldi turned her worried look my way, I knew I was losing her to her best friend for the night.
I haven’t seen her yet today. I’m supposed to be taking lunch, but I’m stuck staring at the contact info Sam just forwarded to my phone. Looks like I’m about to call this Don Calhoune guy. Sam warned me again that he’s a bit sketchy, but I don’t give a fuck if he’s the slimiest crook in the world as long as he can find my sister.
With shaky fingers, I press call and bring the phone up to my ear.
It rings…once…twice…three times, before it stops.
“Mason.”
I pull the phone away from my ear, squinting at the screen. Mason?
“Yeah, hi. I’m trying to reach a Don Calhoune? I was told this was his contact information.”
“Uh-huh. And what do you want with Don?”
“I’d rather keep that between Don and myself.”
“Well, considering that you called my number, asking me questions, that doesn’t put you in a very good spot to make any demands, now does it?”
Is this guy fucking serious?
I sigh, exasperated already. “I’m calling for business. He did some work for my family in the past, and I’d like to hire him again.”
“Mmhmm. You lookin’ to find someone or to get lost?”
“I need to find someone. Listen, can you just put Don on the phone, or take a fucking message or something? I don’t really have time for all this back and forth.”
“I’m afraid Don’s not in commission. I’m in charge now, so you can either talk with me or hang up. Doesn’t make a hell of a lot of difference to me either way.”
“Seems like a good business model,” I mumble.
A throaty chuckle comes down the line. “Don’t need a good business model when you’re the best. I can find anyone for you, it’s not a problem, but there’s a price. And I prefer to meet in person before going over the details.”
I lift my face to the sky, frustrated this isn’t as cut-and-dry as I thought it would be. “Okay, that’s fine. I can’t get out of town until Sunday.”
“Nope.”
“What do you mean, ‘nope’?”
“I mean, Sunday won’t work. Saturday’s the one.”
“I’m busy Saturday,” I say through clenched teeth.
“I’ll come to you.”
I consider his offer. I’ll be busy all day with Sam’s retirement party, but fuck it. I can disappear for a few minutes. I give him the info and he says he’ll call if anything changes.
One step closer.
Journal Entry #352
I should probably write about everything that’s going on with Lily, that’s what these journal entries are supposed to be for, right? Exorcising my demons and all that. But I’m fucking tired of thinking about it. So Doc, if you’re reading this, I guess you’ll have to hope I’m in the mood to verbalize my shit when I’m there.
But I’ll write about Goldi. I miss her. And that makes me feel a little pathetic because I saw her earlier today. I keep reminding myself to take things slow. I mean…not physically obviously. If I thought she would say yes, I‘d move her into my place tomorrow. I want to be near her. Always. Is it too soon to have her here all the time? Is it normal to feel like this? The first time around things were intense, but I don’t remember it being this fucking overwhelming. All I see is her. I taste the memory of her on my tongue. I fucking smell vanilla even when she isn’t around. I’m going fucking crazy.
But I don’t care. I’ll live the rest of my life crazy, as long as I get to be crazy for her.