Chapter 34
I was seated in my chair, slumped against my desk with my office phone muted on speaker during a conference call with a woman from HR who was going over our new benefits package on a Wednesday afternoon. I wasn’t paying attention. Not in the slightest.
Instead, I was fidgeting with a pile of paper clips, my mind preoccupied with the gala this past weekend and what had transpired.
I’d been able to wear a mask of indifference about the whole situation, more so after clearing the air with Morgan, but it was all I’d been able to think about. Because I wasn’t entirely honest with Morgan when we talked on Sunday.
I told her I didn’t know what came over me the night of the gala, going as far as to blame it on too much alcohol. Except, I only had two drinks the entire night. I wasn’t even buzzed. And I knew exactly what came over me. I’d let an emotion consume me that I swore I never would.
I prided myself on not being a jealous man. I always looked at it as some kind of flex, especially when I would see friends of mine rearing their ugly green monsters. Couldn’t be me.
Until it was.
When I saw Morgan walk into that room and realized it was on the arm of Corbin Blackwood, I became someone I didn’t even recognize. Red-hot rage flooded my veins, and one word kept playing on repeat in my head. Mine. Morgan was mine. She didn’t belong on the arm of anyone but me.
I’d spent the last few days thinking about it, consumed by it even.
Morgan and I had a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Nothing more. She wasn’t mine. No part of her belonged to me.
I had no say in what she did or who she spent her time with.
And I certainly wasn’t supposed to give a shit about it.
And I never did before. I’d seen her on dates.
I’d seen her flirt with other guys at the bar right in front of me. It never bothered me.
So why did I feel that way now? Why did it bother me so damn much?
And why, when she told me Sunday that she hadn’t been with anyone else but me since we made our deal over a year ago, did it make me feel relieved? I knew she thought her confession was nothing more than a boost to my ego, but when she told me that, it wasn’t self-importance I felt.
It was satisfaction that I’d had her all to myself and relief that I’d been the only person she both needed and wanted…even if it was only meant to be temporary.
I was being honest when I told her I hadn’t been with anyone else but her, though.
I told myself over time that it was for similar reasons as she gave me—why go looking for it when I knew I had her to fall back on?
But now, after what happened at the gala, I was also questioning my rationale about that.
“Mr. Callahan, does that sound okay to you?”
I snapped from my daze and unmuted the call. “Y-Yeah. Sounds great.” I had no idea what the hell I just agreed to.
When she continued, I muted the call again, blowing out a breath as I leaned back in my chair.
That’s when my gaze fell on the pile of paper clips I’d been fidgeting with while musing about Morgan.
My eyes widened, and I flew up from my chair so fast that it tipped backward.
I pointed at my desk to show who I didn’t fucking know, considering I was the only one in my office.
“Oh no. No, no, no, no. No.” I clenched my hands into fists with an annoyed grunt. “Fuck!”
On my desk was no longer a simple pile of paper clips but paper clip hearts.
That’s right. While thinking about Morgan and my newfound jealousy, possessiveness, and my pride over being the only person she’d been with for more than a year, I unconsciously bent and twisted all of those paper clips into little fucking hearts.
And seeing them was like a blinding light switch being turned on.
I moved away from my desk, palming my temples as I began to pace the length of my office. I stopped and glanced over at the pile of paper clips again, then threw my fists out, punching the air and kicking my legs as I grunted and whispered obscenities under my breath.
“Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck…”
My heart sped up as I raked my hand through my hair. And I was pretty sure I was sweating.
I’d been asking myself why I was feeling the way I had been, why I cared so much…but deep down, I knew the answer.
I’d known for a while now.
It was because I had feelings for her.
The thing I’d been trying to avoid acknowledging, that I tried to ignore for months, hit me full force like a sucker punch right to the goddamn face.
I’d fallen for Morgan.
“Oh fuck!” I punched the air some more before the phone call that was still ongoing pulled my attention again.
“Okay. I think that’s everything. Does anyone have any questions?”
“I’m good,” I heard Gabe’s voice answer from where he was on the call in his office.
“Mr. Callahan?’
I slapped the desk phone to unmute it. “No, nothing!” I said a little more harshly than intended.
“Oh…o-okay—”
I didn’t even wait before I ended the call, then immediately grabbed my suit jacket off the back of my chair and my keys from my desk before rushing toward my door and flinging it open.
I needed to get the hell out of here.
Annie glanced up from her desk, her brow furrowing when she looked at me. She parted her lips to speak, but I cut her off. “I’m leaving for the day.” I left it at that and kept moving.
I saw Gabe emerge from his office a moment later. His dark brows dipped in confusion and concern when he looked at me coming down the hall. “What’s wrong?”
“Paper clip hearts!” I shouted as I threw my hands up in frustration.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I didn’t respond. I walked right by him and kept on going until I got to the lobby and pushed open the front doors.
When I got to my car, I didn’t waste a second before pulling out of the parking lot and onto the main road.
I had a white-knuckle grip on my steering wheel as my mind jumbled with too many thoughts at once for me to even try and sort through while simultaneously concentrating on the road.
I turned up the radio, trying to drown them out.
Once I arrived at my apartment, I walked inside and swung the door shut a little more aggressively than necessary before throwing my keys on the counter and stalking down the hall to my room.
I tossed my suit jacket onto the accent chair in the corner, yanked my tie loose, then started on the buttons of my dress shirt, quickly stripping it off.
I was hot. Why was it so goddamn hot?
After trading my work clothes for a pair of black gym shorts, I began to pace in my room. “Okay…let’s be rational about this,” I mused, as though I didn’t just come from having a full-blown meltdown over paper clips and wasn’t currently talking to myself.
Those thoughts I’d barely been able to drown out with the radio in my car flooded me like a tsunami, and I laced my fingers at the back of my head with a groan. I was a grown-ass man, not a damn teenager. I shouldn’t be agonizing over a woman like this, but I couldn’t seem to help it.
I didn’t do feelings.
I didn’t get attached.
I didn’t want commitment.
There was nothing wrong with those choices. And I was content with them. I was content with my life and with how things were.
Then, Morgan happened, and everything changed. She bore her way under my skin, carved out space in my heart, and I no longer knew where she ended and I began.
And the irony of it all is that I did this. I was the one who came up with the genius plan to make this deal with her. I was the one who approached her with the idea of us using each other simply for a release. But I never fathomed it turning into this.
Every moment we had together since making our deal played through my head in a time-lapse as I tried to pinpoint precisely when these…feelings started.
It wasn’t right away, that much I knew. Despite sleeping together, we barely got along in the beginning. It took a whole year for us to even admit that “hate” was perhaps too strong a word for us to continue using toward one another.
And then I realized it wasn’t one singular moment that made these feelings arise. It was all of them. A slow building progression, stacked from the ground up, brick by brick, with every single little moment between us.
Judgment turned to acceptance.
The bickering and insults faded into playful banter.
The scowls turned into smiles.
Avoidance turned into unconsciously seeking her out.
And moments behind closed doors turned into more. Deeper kisses. Lingering touches. Broken rules.
I knew I began seeing her differently, that a part of me started to crave being in her presence. But I lied to myself. I lied and forced myself to believe it was just our deal and I’d simply grown to depend on it. And I lied because the alternative was acceptance.
Accepting that I’d fallen for the girl I was supposed to hate.
Accepting that there was someone out there who could make me want things that I swore I never would.
Accepting that Morgan made me feel things I’d never felt before.
But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.
As I finally allowed myself to acknowledge it all, to accept it, I sank onto the edge of my bed and leaned forward, burying my face in my hands.
I was fucked. So incredibly fucked.