22. Lily
TWENTY-TWO
LILY
I’ve given into the fact that I have feelings for Alex, and I don’t know where the hell they came from. I haven’t felt anything for anyone in years. Not since I was an impressionable fourteen-year-old girl, confusing manipulation from a narcissist as true love.
But with Alex…I’ve never felt the type of security and safety I do with him. The level of trust—not the type that’s earned—but the type that’s intrinsic, like my soul is reaching out and twining with his.
I’ve never been able to share the dark parts of myself. Never had someone who asked to see them.
But he does. He asks, and it makes me feel everything.
And everything is scary. After years of using every tactic possible to avoid facing emotion, the feeling is overwhelming. Old habits threaten like a thundercloud, looming on the horizon.
Which is why I’m on the phone with Derek.
“So. Alex, huh?”
My heart flutters at the mention of his name, and I have to bite back the smile blooming across my face.
“Yeah,” I sigh. “Alex.”
Chase’s head pops up from where he’s building with Legos on the living room floor, and I cringe, worry seeping through my happy moment, realizing how attached he’s grown in such a short amount of time.
“But…I don’t know, Derek.”
Derek hums. “What don’t you know about?”
I huff out a laugh. “When it comes to Alex? A hell of a lot, actually.”
“So ask.”
I scoff. “Like it’s that easy.”
“Lily…it is that easy.”
Anxiety swirls from the middle of my stomach, wrapping around my chest and squeezing. “What if I don’t like his answer?”
Derek hums. “Well, at least you’ll know. Better to find out now than down the road, right?”
I scrunch my nose, my gut twisting. “Yeah, I guess.”
He’s silent for a few strained moments. “Lily, you deserve happiness. You don’t need to punish yourself for the rest of your life. That’s no way to live.”
My throat swells. “I’m not. ”
He chuckles, but it’s an empty sound. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
I stick a fresh piece of cinnamon gum in my mouth, holding the phone between my shoulder and ear, my fingers rubbing against my wrist.
“I’m just sayin’,” he continues. “You’ve worked extremely hard to get yourself to where you are. If this Alex guy makes you happy, then figure out whatever you need to, and just go for it.”
I chew on my lip. “I don’t know.”
“Let yourself be happy, Lily.”
“You don’t think it’s like…too good to be true? Because that’s how it feels. Like he’s some mysterious knight-in-shining-armor, equipped with a Harley and trips to IHOP, and I’m sitting here in my low-income apartment, hiding in plain sight, waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Derek laughs. “You’ve gotta stop tryin’ to find the bad in every situation. You look hard enough, you’ll always find it.”
My heart stutters when I glance toward the living room where my baby boy is playing with his toys. “And what happens when Chase gets attached and things don’t work out? He doesn’t even live here, Derek.”
“So find out where he does live. If you can’t have open and honest communication, then you don’t have much anyway.” He pauses. “Have you told him anything?”
My body tenses. “No,” I whisper.
“Well.” He blows out a breath. “If you can’t tell him about you and he isn’t tellin’ you about him…what do you both really have, anyway?”
My chest tightens because, even though I call Derek to talk me down and keep things in perspective, that doesn’t mean I always like to hear what he has to say. “Yeah, you’re right.”
“Give yourself some grace, Lily. And when things get to be too much, you know to call.”
A knock on my front door interrupts us. “Hey, someone’s at my door. But thank you. You always know how to get me straight.”
“Yeah, yeah. You’re a pain in the ass, but for some reason I love you anyway.”
Smiling, I hang up, keeping an eye on Chase in the living room as I head to the front door. My stomach tenses when I picture Alex on the other side.
Derek’s right. I need to talk to him. I learned a long time ago that I’m not a good judge of character. And there’s a niggling in the back of my mind that reminds me of it every time I think about letting go of all my reservations and diving in 100 percent.
Opening the door, my breath sticks in my throat because it isn’t Alex on the other side—it’s Susan.
“Wow, Susan! Hi.” I smile, trying to ignore the weight of disappointment that’s sinking in my chest.
“Hi, honey.” She waves. “Just thought I’d pop over and let you know I’m back in town.”
“How’s your sister? Do you want to come in?” I move to the side, gesturing behind me, but she shakes her head, running a hand through her graying hair. “No, sugar, I’m fine, and so is my sister, thank the Lord.” She puts her hands out to the sides.
I smile. “I’m glad to hear she’s doing better.” My stomach tightens as a thought drops into my head. “So you’re all good to watch Chase again?”
“I’ve missed that boy.” She nods, chuckling. “Who would have guessed a toddler would be easier to care for than a grown-ass woman.”
“Wow. Your sister must be a treat,” I joke.
I’m happy to see Susan, but even as relief flows through my veins, my gut sinks to the floor because if she’s here, then Alex doesn’t need to be. And I can’t help but wonder whether he’ll stick around.
Derek’s earlier words flow through my brain, telling me to just “let myself be happy,” but as much as I wish it were that easy to give in and just be , it isn’t. There’s no magic switch to flip that changes the wiring of your brain or the caution that has poisoned your blood. And I learned a long time ago there’s no such thing as a happy ending. There are only temporary falsehoods—illusions that shatter once you’re pushed from the ledge, eyes uncovered to watch yourself fall.
But Derek is right in one thing: I’ll never get anywhere if we don’t talk. And if Alex is going to brand his ownership with a kiss on my lips, then I need to make sure he’s in it for the long haul.
For my sake and for my baby boy’s.
“Hey, do you think you can watch Chase for a few hours tonight?” I ask Susan.
Susan’s eyebrows rise but she bobs her head. “Of course. I’m back for good, honey, so I’m here whenever you need. Just bring him on over.” Her hand reaches out and squeezes my forearm.
She turns to leave and I close the door, telling myself that everything will be fine, that Susan coming back is a sign, letting me know I need to make a decision regarding Alex. Either I let this thing we’re doing continue, or I put a stop to it before it becomes even harder to walk away.
The butterflies erupting in my stomach let me know which way I want things to go.
But if that’s going to happen, then I need some answers.
And tonight, I’m going to get them.