24. Lily
TWENTY-FOUR
LILY
“You’re not a shitty mom.”
“Easy for you to say.” My hands reach up, scruffing along the edges of Alex’s five o’clock shadow, the pale of my skin contrasting against the dark tan of his. “But I will be if I just let you slip in and out of our lives without getting answers. You’re always so evasive, and I just can’t let it happen anymore.”
His jaw clenches under my palms, the muscle so tight the tension seeps into my fingertips.
My hips jerk into him farther when his arms squeeze my waist. “The answer is yes , little bird. We’re together. I told you yesterday that you were mine. But you’ll have to work with me here.” He blows out a breath. “I’m not used to having anyone to answer to. I…”
My stomach dips and twists, knotting around the anxiety this conversation is giving, but I’m not leaving until I figure out what’s going on. Until I’m sure about what decisions I need to make going forward. So I’ll sit here, allowing my edges to continue to crack, hoping his answers will be the glue that binds them back together.
My gaze slips to the desk behind us. There’s an expensive-looking laptop, wireless headphones, and a small mound of toothpicks. My lips twitch, realizing how completely Alex it is, but then my gaze snags on something next to it, and the realization is a rock being hurtled a hundred miles an hour into my gut, punching so fast I lose my breath.
A gun.
My vision spins, twisting and turning until all I can see are memories blending into my present.
Driving around town, Darryl’s eyes are lazy while he talks on his phone. “Yeah, I’ll be there. I’m out, runnin’ errands with my girl.”
His hand grips my knee, tight enough to where I know there will be a bruise. I wince but don’t tell him it hurts. He doesn’t like it when I push him away. My eyes fall to his gun, lying haphazardly in his lap. The sight of it makes a sick feeling swim through the bottom of my belly, and I don’t like the way it feels.
Reaching into the center console, my hand fumbles until I feel the cool glass of the pipe hit my fingers. Pulling it out, I glance through the car windows, making sure it’s a safe place to take a hit. The rough edges of the lighter and the sounds of the igniting flame create an almost calming sensation—a precursor to the buzz that overtakes my body moments later, making me float above the worry.
My hands grow clammy, my lungs squeezing so tight I gasp for air as I’m catapulted from one moment into another.
“What the fuck you lookin’ at?”
My stomach jumps into my throat, my eyes trying so hard to focus around the fuzzy edges of my high. I think I’m at Amy’s, but I can’t be sure. I glance around for Darryl, but the living room is empty, soiled beanbags and mismatched chairs strewn against the stained carpet. I’ve been so out of it, I didn’t even notice he left me here with this douchebag of a friend. The one who has now moved closer to me on the couch, his gaze wide and pupils dilated, hiding the color of his eyes.
My brain is muddled, but the cool press of metal between my eyes pulls it from the fog. “Watch your fuckin’ eyes, bitch. I don’t like the way you look at me.”
My mind snaps back to the present, legs scrambling to move off Alex’s lap. My heart careens against my rib cage. Who the fuck have I let in my house?
His grip tightens around me, not allowing me to move. “What just happened?”
My gut twists, head shaking back and forth, my body revolting against his hold.
I can’t go back. I won’t go back.
I fight against him, arms thrashing as tears burn behind my lids, my stomach heaving so hard bile teases the back of my throat. “Stop, stop, let me go, please. ”
I am a bad judge of character. Years of lying with dark beasts clearly weren’t enough to show me all the ways a manipulator can trick you into thinking they’re the light. There’s a grasping of my jaw, my neck twisting, and suddenly my eyes clash with a golden gaze. My heart calms slightly.
“Lily. Stay with me, baby. Talk to me.” His voice is as firm as his hold, and I swallow down more of the panic.
Alex isn’t Darryl.
He isn’t here. He won’t find you.
“Al—Alex,” I stutter. “Why do you have a gun on your nightstand?”
His eyes widen slightly, but his steady grip on my body never leaves. “I’m an investigator.” His voice is strong and quick, like he knows that in order to calm me down, he can’t beat around the bush.
Like he realizes that this is important.
My heart falters, my brain attempting to wrap around his words. “A what ?”
His fingers twitch on my jaw. “An investigator.”
“Like a cop?” My nose scrunches, the fear ebbing back to its dark corner, hiding in the memories I try so fucking hard to erase.
Alex chuckles, his hand moving to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “No, little bird, definitely not a cop.” He pauses, his eyes shifting back and forth between mine, maybe from him deciding what to tell me or maybe searching for some understanding.
Relief pours through my veins, and I take a few deep breaths, centering myself.
He’s not here.
I lean my forehead against Alex’s, our breaths mingling, hot and sweet, allowing myself to sink into his embrace. Letting his tight hold surround me until I feel the safety of his arms.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his hand moving to the back of my head and smoothing down the strands of my hair.
I nod, an explanation in the back of my mouth, but I can’t find the courage to push it off my tongue. So I change the focus to him instead.
“Give me all your secrets. I promise to keep them safe,” I whisper, echoing what he always says, my body trembling from the aftereffects of being thrown into my past.
He blows out a shaky breath, pausing for long moments before he gives in, following my lead and letting me change the subject. “I can’t tell you why I’m here. Not because I don’t want to but because I can’t . I sign NDAs. I’m in contracts. I could lose everything if I do.”
Nodding, my eyes glance around again, my fingers squeezing the material of his shirt as I contemplate what he’s told me…and what he hasn’t.
An investigator .
I let the word flow through me, settling into my psyche, and I replay every moment since he’s come into town. “Okay. Okay, that makes sense.”
His lips tic up in the corner, a small grin that doesn’t reach his eyes, and he leans in, pressing a kiss against my lips. I dive into the moment, desperate for his taste—for the feeling that only he has ever provided.
I stop suddenly as another thought hits. “Where do you live again?”
“Colorado,” he mutters against my lips. “But I can work from anywhere. I travel… a lot , so it’s hardly what you would call a home.”
His words stick to my insides like glue, remembering that Raindale is just a short stop on his way to somewhere else. “So…how much longer are you here for?”
He exhales, his nose flaring, his gaze once again searing through mine. The moment is strained, and my heart aches, desperate to claw its way out of me and sink into him, to soak up the secrets he won’t show.
“I’m not sure,” he admits.
My stomach twists.
Both of his palms come up to grip my face, his thumbs brushing along my cheekbones. “But I know that I want to be wherever you are.”
My chest warms. “Well, I’m here.”
His hands tighten even further, our noses skimming with every inhale. “And I’m here too, Lily.”
“But for how long?” The words catch in my throat.
“For as long as you want me.”
And then he leans in and steals my words with his mouth. I surrender to the feeling, swept away by everything he makes me feel. A moan slips out of me as his tongue tangles with mine, and I sink deeper into his hold, feeling him grow hard underneath me.
I move my hips forward, pressing my body weight down, and he groans, his fingers bruising against my jaw. I love the way he molds my body, the way it feels like as long as I’m in his arms, he’ll protect me from the world. The thought lifts me up like a roller coaster climbing up a hill, the view more beautiful with every rising inch.
And then, for the first time in my life, I truly surrender.
I let myself fall.
I just hope he’s there to catch me when I land.