33. Lily
THIRTY-THREE
LILY
I’m broken. I know this.
There’s nothing I can do to change it, but it feels nice to let somebody else in. I never thought I would have someone in my life to share the weight with. I was always led to believe that fucked-up people don’t deserve good things. And while I’m definitely fucked up, Alex is the best thing I’ve ever had.
Tonight turned into so much more than I expected, and the aftereffects of our talk have left me reeling, the bond between us pulsing as it strengthens.
Storm clouds rumble in the distance, and Alex hops up, leading me to his bike so we can outrun the rain. Pulling into a gas station on the edge of downtown, he pulls up to a pump. Standing up, I unlatch my helmet, pulling it off my head. I don’t mention the fact that while he makes sure I’m wearing one, he never does himself.
He wraps his arm around my waist and kisses my temple. “Do you want anything from inside?”
I shake my head, smiling like a loon as I imagine all the filthy ways I want him to take advantage of me when we get home. After such an intense conversation, it’s a visceral need, the want spinning a web inside of me, hoping to catch his soul and entangle it with mine. I need to feel him close.
He nods, leaving to walk inside the station, and I take the moment to stretch my legs, glancing around. There aren’t many other cars here, a dented red Toyota a few spots away and an expensive black car, the back windows entirely shaded from view. It looks like a car you’d see in the movies, and I squint, nosy enough to try and see through the tinted glass, wondering what kind of person it could be.
I snort, imagining what life in that type of luxury would be like. What it must feel like to be driven around without a care in the world. Idly, I wonder if what they say is true. If money really can’t buy happiness. To me, it seems like financial stability would allow space to focus on the things that bring you joy, but I guess I don’t have much experience in the matter. Here I am, excited over the fact I just had a full meal and won’t have to make rice and beans for the next month to make up for it.
Shaking my head, I let out a chuckle and close my eyes, breathing in the fresh nighttime air, reveling in the fact that while I may not have money, this is the best my life has felt in years. And no matter what happens tomorrow or otherwise, I know I’ll take this night with me forever, living in the memory of my happiness, using its strength to help keep away the nightmares.
Alex walks out of the gas station doors, and a grin lights up my face as I take him in, a heavy ache throbbing between my legs. He makes me crazy and alive and free. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
The only time I’ve ever come close is the first time I got high. But that type of elation is artificial and fleeting, leaving you lower than you were before.
I got sober for my son.
I’m staying sober for me.
Alex is looking down as he walks toward me, slipping his wallet in his back pocket, and I’m transfixed by the sight of him, lost in visions of the future.
That is, until the back door to the fancy car opens and steals my attention away.
Red-bottomed heels pop out of the door, my gaze sliding up perfect legs, over toned curves, and into the face of one of the most stunning women I’ve ever laid eyes on. Like a goddess, she emerges, and I feel small simply standing in her view.
She’s tall enough to tower over me, and I briefly wonder if she’s a supermodel. And then all of my thoughts freeze in place when her eyes zone in on Alex, her perfectly manicured hand covering her mouth. Even from a distance, I can see it’s trembling.
“Alexander?” she gasps.
My head whips to Alex and he freezes in place, his head snapping so fast it makes my neck hurt.
I watch, my gut somersaulting, my mind screaming to turn around, to not witness whatever is about to take place. But I’m rooted to the spot. Unable to do anything but watch as this beautiful woman walks up to my man as if she has any right.
Only, he’s not looking at her like a stranger.
He’s looking at her like a ghost.
“Alexander?” she asks again, her voice shaky.
My heart drops to my stomach.
His eyes swing to me, widening slightly, like he’s asking for understanding, but how can I grant understanding when I don’t know what the fuck is going on?
He turns his attention back to her and a curtain is pulled, his entire demeanor changing, jaw tensing, spine growing rigid. Such a difference from the carefree man who walked out of the store less than three minutes ago.
“Olivia.” His voice is as cold as the foreboding chill that’s coasting over my skin. I reason with myself that she’s obviously from his past. He said he grew up in luxury, that his father is a politician. My eyes trail over her form, envy stewing in my gut at how effortless she is.
Maybe she’s a politician’s wife. She looks the part.
Her gaze is stuck on Alex, her eyes soaking in every inch of him like he’s the water made to quench her thirst. “I can’t…” She takes a step closer. “You look…”
His muscles tense, and he takes a giant step away from her and toward me. I straighten, matching his movement. I have no idea what’s going on, but it’s clear he doesn’t want this woman around him.
“What are you doing in Phoenix?” he cuts her off.
A shadow flashes over her eyes, the corners of her mouth turning down. She glances at her driver and then back to Alex. She doesn’t notice me once. I might as well be wallpaper, just another neutral shade, blending into the background.
She sighs, her hand rubbing at her temple. “I’m here for your father.”
My heart slams against my chest.
His father?
He scoffs, sneering at her. “Of course you are. Always hopping to attention whenever he calls your name, aren’t you?”
She rears back like his words are a gunshot, and my eyes jump between them, trying to keep myself on steady ground. Even though I’m nothing but a bystander, watching their obviously tortured history play out before my eyes makes my insides quake.
“That’s not fair,” she whispers, her arms wrapping around her waist.
He takes another step toward his bike, his eyes softening when they land on me.
And then for the first time, Olivia looks my way.
I stand tall as she takes me in, trying like hell to appear unaffected. But I feel… small. Useless. Like I would never be able to compare.
Apparently she agrees because she dismisses me as quickly as she saw me. “Alexander, can we talk?” She looks back to him. “I had no idea you… I just?—”
His jaw clenches. “We have nothing to say.”
She huffs. “There’s everything to say! You left me. Right before our wedding. There are things you don’t know.” I stare in horror as tears trickle from her eyes and track down her cheeks. “I thought you were dead. ”
My stomach twists, barbed wire wrapping around my chest and squeezing, walls that he spent so much time meticulously taking down being resurrected again in nanoseconds.
Memories from earlier tonight, every word said between us, fly through my brain. He didn’t tell me this. And this …this feels like a big thing not to say.
Maybe it’s the look on my face or maybe it’s the way he always seems to feel what’s happening with my soul, but either way, Alex’s head snaps toward me.
“Fuck,” he curses under his breath and rushes over.
I coach my legs to move, but they don’t obey; they’re frozen in place. Rooted to the spot. He steps directly into me, his hands reaching out, and for the first time since meeting him, my stomach churns violently and I lurch out of his grasp.
He’s always been my exception, but right now he feels just like every other lying jerk.
He tries again, gripping my chin, his gaze searing into mine. “No,” he commands. “Let me explain.”
I scoff, breaking eye contact, gulping down the burn that’s swelling my throat. I don’t want to make a scene in front of his fiancée.
His body grows rigid, and he turns, dragging me with him to his bike. “We’re done here.”
“Alexander, wait,” Olivia begs.
Jealousy rears up and bites me in the chest, spreading its poison through every limb until the green is oozing from my pores. This woman has parts of his history that I never will. Parts he never intended to tell me.
As I hop on the back of his bike, the tension coiling inside of me breaks, anger flooding through my system.
“I can explain,” he rushes out. “This isn’t what it seems like, I swear to fucking God , Lily.”
My mouth opens but I have no words to say. All I have are questions, and so I’ll wait until we get to where we’re going to ask for answers.
Just a few minutes ago, I was fine . I was reveling in the fact that he was mine and that finally, finally , something seemed to be made just for me. That the universe finally gave in and was going to let me be happy.
I know better. When something is too good to be true, it usually is.
He should have told me. I don’t mind that he has a past. I mind that he’s kept it from me when he’s had plenty of opportunity to bring it up. I’ve given him every piece of me, and still there are parts to him that remain cloaked from my view.
The realization nicks at my insides like a thousand paper cuts, and I hate the way it feels.
So I decide not to feel it.
Like a light switch, I click it off, allowing a blanket of calm to take over. My eyes unfocus from where they were locked in Alex’s gaze, and I paste a smile on my face. “It’s fine, Alex.”
His nostrils flare. “No.”
No?
“Don’t you do that with me, little bird. You stay with me when you’re with me.”
But it’s too late. I’m already gone.