25. Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Five
Flesh and Bone by CJ Starnes
April 15, 1912
The boat deck is pandemonium. People are running in all directions, scared and confused. Everywhere I look I can see families and couples in the midst of goodbyes, unsure if they’ll see each other again. To my left, a father comforts two small children, telling them to stay with their mother. I overhear him promise them he will be okay. To my right, a couple on their honeymoon tearfully hold each other as the husband pleads with his new wife to step into the boat. It is heartbreaking. We are on the starboard side of the ship. I watch helplessly as lifeboats are lowering at barely half capacity, with passengers still on board begging to get in, some even jumping. There’s fear in the air so heavy I can hardly even think or breathe.
I lean over the rail, watching the chaos unfold. I look back at Ben, and I can see him a distance away discreetly tapping the camera on his walking stick as he turns in all directions. I wish I could say I envy his ability to compartmentalize and carry on business as usual, but I have a feeling he is struggling on the inside as well.
I hear a voice and a tug on my arm that’s so forceful it spins me around. “Miss Alice!”
I turn and see Edward staring back at me. His eyes are wide, and his hair is slightly out of place. He’s still dressed in his evening suit from dinner. He looks at me in confusion, likely wondering why I am in an evening gown when I wasn’t in the dining room.
“We have a spot in this boat, Miss Alice.” He pulls on my arm toward the lifeboat Officer Murdoch is loading.
"No," I say forcefully. I anchor myself to the spot, making my body dead weight.
“Alice. Come.” He pulls harder and calls me toward him like he owns me. It’s not a request, it’s a demand. I can feel his anger and tension. His grip on my arm is quite painful. I focus all my energy on getting away from him. He looks down at his hold on my arm, as if surprised I’m not coming along easily for him. He’s clearly not used to being rejected or defied. I keep fighting and attempt to pull myself out of his grasp.
“Don’t touch her!” Charlie yells as he steps between us and pulls my arm free of Edward’s grasp. “Get your hands off her!”
“Don’t speak to me,” Edward says looking both shocked and insulted. His voice is practically a growl, finally baring his teeth and showing the monster he truly is.
Charlie puts his arms on my shoulders, ignoring Edward completely. He looks me over to make sure I’m unharmed. “Are you alright, love?”
I nod. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Edward facing us, looking on and finally deducing what lies before him.
He looks at me and then over at Charlie. His brow furrows as his jaw tenses. “You? And you?” His voice snarls as his eyes are ablaze with disgust. He takes a step toward me again until Ben, having seen the commotion from afar, jumps in. He grabs Edward’s arm to command his attention and squares up to him, face to face.
“Touch her again, and you won’t live to tell anyone about this night.” Ben’s tone is ice cold and menacing. This is a side of him I’ve never seen before. He’s always been protective, but I’ve never had to see him under circumstances like this. He stands over Edward, piercing him with an icy glare and a clenched jaw.
Edward stares at Ben for a moment, calculating his next move. He backs away. I am not worth all this trouble to him. He steps into the lifeboat and turns back toward us. “Fools. All of you,” he says with a sly smile as he clicks his tongue. I find it amusing that he only fights back once safely in a lifeboat and a distance away from Ben and Charlie. I flash him a wicked smile as I take Charlie’s hand. Charlie chuckles in amusement, but I also sense a bit of pride from him. I’m glad this is the last sight Edward will have of me as his lifeboat lowers. It’s more of a real depiction of me than any he has seen this week. He watches as other passengers attempt to find safe passage off the ship, many jumping to the water or trying to enter the lifeboats by force. There’s anger and arrogance in Edward’s eyes, but there’s fear there too. It’s the first time I’ve seen anything humanizing in his face. This tragedy struck fear into even the boldest men.
Ben leads us to the port side of the ship to collect more data. It feels nothing short of morbid to take photos of people in the last moments of their lives while they endure utter terror.
It’s almost 1 a.m. and Officer Lightoller is supervising the boarding of lifeboat eight on the port side. Through the crowd gathered, I can see Violet and John Kelly waiting, hoping to board. There’s panic in her face as she looks at John for comfort. In his face I can see at least the appearance of strength, though whether it is a front for her benefit, I do not know. He grips her arms and attempts to comfort her. Her eyes meet mine in the crowd and she reaches her arm out towards me.
“Alice! Benjamin!” Her voice is hurried and brimming with fear.
I take her hand and squeeze it. She’s bundled into a long navy blue coat, with her life vest over it. Her green eyes are wide and her trembling face has gone pale.
“My dear, you need to get into the boat.” John’s voice is smooth as he tenderly tries to coax her toward the lifeboat.
“Not without you,” she cries.
John hears them call again for women and children. “I will take the next boat available to men.” He pauses for a moment to look directly into her eyes with a reassuring gaze. “Darling, please,” he implores softly. She finally sees reason and reluctantly nods, though it is quite clear she wants to stay with John. He kisses her and wipes a tear from her cheek.
She looks back at me, her eyes red and puffy from crying. “Are you coming, Alice?” Her voice has hope in it. She doesn’t want to be alone in the lifeboat.
I have to lie. I don’t want to disappoint her or cause her any more harm, but I can’t get into the boat. I can’t jeopardize the spot of someone else or lose Ben. “We have a spot reserved in the next boat on the starboard side. We were making our way over when we saw you.”
She nods in agreement before quickly pulling me into a hug. I take a moment to let myself truly feel her embrace and the beat of her heart against me. I breathe her in. She smells of roses and warm amber. I hug her tightly, hoping it is of some comfort to her. “Be brave, Violet,” I whisper in her ear. It feels as though an invisible baton passes between us, like a plea to continue her work. I’ll take it from here, Violet.
She steps back, takes my hands into hers, and looks me in the eyes. “Godspeed to you, Alice. May we meet again.”
She glances at Charlie standing with us, noticing his gaze as he watches me. I can tell from her face that she realizes this is the man I was speaking of. Her face briefly lightens. She flashes me a hint of a knowing smile as she looks at me and then over at him. It’s as if my great-great grandmother is granting me her approval. I’m grateful one of my last memories of her will be of her smile.
She takes John’s hand as he helps her into the boat. “My love,” he says as he gently kisses her hand. She cries as she loses his grasp. John stands at the rail and watches the boat lower until he is out of her sight. His eyes are glistening from tears, fear finally settling on his face. He turns to Ben and shakes his hand firmly. “Good luck to you both.” He fades into the crowd of other passengers frantically searching for a lifeline to safety. As Ben pulls away, I can see that he also has tears in his eyes.
I wonder if John knew at that moment that he would perish or whether he thought he might have a path to safety. Was his show of strength just a cover to get her into a boat and home to their children? I can only hope that somehow, wherever he is, he knows how much his sacrifice preserved our family.
I also wonder how different things could have been if John and Violet had sought a lifeboat on the starboard side of the ship. Violet boarded lifeboat eight, which was supervised by Officer Lightoller. He was notably stricter than many other officers. Lightoller took the order to mean women and children only , while Murdoch interpreted it as women and children first . Perhaps if John and Violet had attempted to board one of Murdoch’s lifeboats, they would have been able to escape together. Of course, that would have had drastic consequences on my existence, but the what ifs will always make me wonder.
The notion that one step or one small choice can change the entire course of one’s life is both fascinating and tragic. Before Titanic’s maiden voyage, Charles Lightoller was given the role of second officer, demoting the original appointee, David Blair, who did not board the ship. Blair’s exclusion had catastrophic consequences. He held the key to the ship's binoculars, causing the crew not to have access to them, and therefore, a lack of visibility the night of the sinking.
If the Titanic had never sunk, it wouldn’t be remembered in history. I never would have come here, and I never would have met Charlie. I never would have met Violet or learned the truth of Alice Carney. I never would have taken a step outside the tiny box I had spent years cramming myself into. One small choice changed the entire trajectory of my life. I’ll never be the same person as the Ali that left Dr. Conrad’s lab. A part of me will always be here, with Charlie, and with Violet.
Charlie, Ben, and I remain huddled together in the chaos unfolding on deck. It feels bizarre to stand so still while everyone around us is panic-stricken and frantic. Ben pulls out his pocket watch to check how much time we have. He is eager to get back to our suite, where Sarah and Eric are waiting for us. If we have any hope of getting safely back to the suite, we need to do it quickly. The ship has just over an hour before it plummets to its grave at the bottom of the ocean. We have even less time before the upper decks flood. I know that the window of time for a safe journey back to our cabin is dwindling.
But I can’t leave Charlie. I don’t want to. My heart isn’t ready, nor will it ever be. I know how this story ends, and yet I’d willingly endure the icy waters for another moment with him rather than a lifetime without.
Charlie exchanges a look of silent communication with Ben. I can tell they’re agreeing that it’s time. Charlie knows we need to leave, and he knows I won’t make the first move to do it. Like my great-great grandmother, my heart leads me in one direction and logic and reason in another.
Charlie pulls me into his arms. “It’s time, Alice.” He smiles at me, a beautiful but sad smile. He’s trying to be strong for me, but I can see in his eyes he is as anguished as I am.
I can’t let this go. I can’t let him go.
“No.” I shake my head rapidly. “No, I won’t leave you,” I cry desperately as I cup his face in my hands.
He clasps his hands over mine. “You have to, love.”
I bury my head in his chest and weep. Suddenly the words of Dr. Conrad radiate through my mind, maybe even through my heart. Anything you’re holding will come back with you.
I look at Ben and repeat the phrase out loud this time, speaking it both to him and to myself. “Anything you’re holding will come back with you?” I repeat it as a question, almost surprised this idea never occurred to me before now.
“Ali, you can’t be serious.” His face looks worried. He knows what I’m suggesting, though Charlie looks at me in confusion.
I turn back to Charlie. “Come with me.”
Ben interjects. “Ali, remember the consequences. We can’t change history.”
I turn back toward Ben frantically. All logic and reason have left my body. I just want him. I want us. “It would work! He doesn’t have any family left, it wouldn’t change anything. Please!”
Ben looks at Charlie helplessly. He doesn’t have the heart to stop me and I think he knows I’m beyond a place he can pull me back from on his own.
Charlie pulls my arm back toward him. “Alice, I can’t change my fate. I’m meant to stay here.”
“Why can’t you? Why can’t anyone change their fate? You’re meant to be with me. Charlie, please, come home. ” I look up at him, my eyes flooded with tears. “I don’t want to be without you.”
Charlie takes my hands in his. “You never will be, Alice. From the moment…” Charlie’s voice breaks. “From the moment I met you, the moment our hands touched on the suitcase, I knew my heart was yours. Wherever I am, wherever you are, it’s yours. Keep hold of it and I’ll always be with you.”
He turns to Ben and extends his hand out. “Take care of her, Ben.” Ben nods, shakes his hand, and takes a step back, allowing us a final moment to say goodbye.
He gently brushes a wisp of hair from my face. “My Alice,” he says sweetly. He kisses me one last time. My hand wraps around his neck, his hair between my fingers. I can feel his tears drop onto my cheeks as our foreheads press together. He pulls back, looks into my eyes and smiles, before disappearing into the chaos of the panicked crowd. I feel my entire world crumble around me. I search the crowd for one last look at him, to no avail. There is far too much mayhem on deck. He has disappeared into the crowd as if he never existed at all. I’m almost relieved I couldn’t see him walk away, that my last memory of him is the kindness in his smile and the warmth in his eyes. Instead of fear or sadness, his face only conveyed gratitude and affection.
I just can’t believe he’s really gone .