26. Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Six
The Scientist by Coldplay
April 15, 1912
Officers are frantically loading passengers into lifeboats as members of the orchestra play somber yet comforting melodies on deck. The juxtaposition of something so beautiful existing amongst such devastation seems to embody the experience I have had this week perfectly. I’ve experienced something so beautiful and profound amongst an unimaginable tragedy.
Ben grabs my arm, pulling me back toward reality. “Ali, we’ve got to move.”
I know he’s right. The ship feels unsteady beneath my feet. But I feel anchored to the spot in which I stand. I have no momentum or desire to get to safety. I only feel emptiness. I am surrounded by thousands of scared people, and yet I feel utterly alone. Ben looks back at me, quickly assessing the sorrow on my face. He sees my despondence, and without hesitation, he effortlessly scoops me up into his arms and makes his way back to the pathway toward our deck.
He pushes through the crowds with me buried in his chest, with my hands wrapped around his neck. I can only imagine the physical taxation on him as he essentially swims against the current. Once we get inside near the reception room, he puts me down. B-Deck is flooding. I can feel the icy water crawling up my hemline, making my dress heavy.
Ben turns and puts his hands on my shoulders, both steadying me and pulling me back into the moment. “Ali, I need you to walk from here. Can you do that for me?”
I nod through my tears. As hopeless as I feel, I don’t want to do anything that could jeopardize Ben’s safety. I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to him. As much as I don’t want to leave, as much as I wish I was back with Charlie, I know it’s necessary to go. I may not have the strength to do this for myself, but I can do this for Ben. Take a step, put one foot in front of the other, and do the next right thing. I know it’s what Charlie would want me to do.
Ben takes my hand in his, and we make our way down the hall toward our staterooms. We enter the suite through my room. The adjoining doors to the sitting room and Ben’s room are all open, and Sarah and Eric are hustling back and forth, rushing to pack everything they can back into the trunks. He leads me toward the sitting room, which has become our departure location. Ben moves quickly to help load items onto the luggage cart we used to board the ship.
I stand in the middle of the chaos, unable to move or feel anything. Though it is a muffled sound, I can hear their voices as they pass each other our belongings. It’s as if the world continues on around me, but I feel unable to stop it. They’re all hurrying, and yet to me it feels like slow motion. Like I’m watching it happen, but I’m not really here.
Sarah walks toward me and gently takes my hands into hers. “I’ve packed all your things, Ali,” she says sympathetically. I can hear her speaking to me, but I somehow can’t push words through my tears. All I can do is nod and vacantly stare. She gives me a sad smile, as if she understands I appreciate her help but cannot find the words to express it. I just don’t have anything left in me to give.
Eric pulls the cart full of luggage into the sitting room where I stand. Sarah follows behind him and checks it over, making sure every item is packed and ready. They each check over the staterooms once more to make sure nothing has been forgotten. It feels like we’re hastily checking out of a hotel, minutes before our time is up and we’re running around taking every bit of free soap.
I can hear the screams of chaos and confusion on the decks above us, through the open windows on the private promenade. I feel guilty having an easy way out and not even wanting to take it.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the dinner table on the promenade, still set from my date with Charlie. It feels like just moments ago we were still living in that haze together. Part of me wants to run right now, while they’re all preoccupied, and go find Charlie. Steal one more moment with him. But it’s just delaying the inevitable. I’ll end up right back here. Ben’s eyes stay on me as he moves between the rooms, as if he too is worried I’ll make a run for it. I think he can see the wheels slowly turning behind my vacant eyes and knows what I’m thinking of doing.
As they move around me, I think about what's brought me to this moment. What started as an opportunity to time travel in history has changed the course of my life. I came here to conduct research on the Titanic, the history of the experience and the story of its demise. Instead, I found something quite different. I found love. It was not something I intended to find, here or anywhere really, but the moment I saw him, I knew something special was happening. I tried to deny my feelings, that it was just some kind of intense attraction to forbidden fruit. But I realize now that the moment our eyes locked while grabbing the same suitcase, it was as if something in our souls locked as well.
I was meant to find him, meant to love him. I can lay the blame on fate's doorstep. Fate brought me here to him, and fate is cruelly taking him away.
For the rest of my life, I’ll think about what might’ve been. The life we could have shared if fate had spared us more time. I knew from the start we were doomed. Even before I knew he’d die, I knew this couldn’t go anywhere. We are from two different worlds. It’s not as if I didn’t know how the story would end. I only just avoided it. And yet, knowing all this. I’d do it all over again if given the chance.
I will carry him in my heart for the rest of my life. Even though we have said goodbye, a part of him will always be with me. And for every bit of excruciating pain I feel right now, I also feel grateful. Meeting him was worth it. Loving him was worth it.
And the worst part of it all is that I never even told him I loved him. I believed saying it would make the inevitable goodbye even harder. I thought admitting love for something gives it even more power to break your heart. But in truth, the goodbye was harder because I didn’t say it. I wish I’d had the courage to say it, loudly and often. Because more than anything, he deserved to know. Charlie deserved to know how much I love him. He deserved to be loved out loud, not hidden in the dark shadows of my heart.
I never even thought myself capable of love like this. All my life I’ve believed that love only brings pain, and I’ve put up walls to shield myself from that pain. But love brings joy. It also brings pain; I know that. But the joy far outweighs anything else. And the joy gets you through the pain. You can’t have one without the other, and that’s the beautiful thing about love. It’s not about someone shielding you from life’s pain, but walking through it with you.
I should have told him a thousand times, every single chance I got. When all is said and done, it matters. When there’re no words left to say except the ones that need to be said the most. Those last words are important. They linger, hanging above, long after everyone is gone. Sometimes they’re all you have left of someone. And not everyone gets that perfect moment at the end, that closure.
I held my father’s hand as he passed, as he left this world for another. In his last few days, he drifted in and out of consciousness as we awaited the inevitable. But in that last moment, he was himself, and it was just us. He lightly squeezed my hand and whispered "my girl" before taking his last shallow breath and peacefully passing away. And now that it’s only a memory I have to look back on, I feel grateful that we had that moment of connection. In the last moment of his life, he knew I was there for him and I knew he loved me. And that is mine to keep.
Ben comes back into the sitting room after doing a last sweep of his cabin. He stops in front of me and gently takes my hands in his.
“It’s time, Ali.” His tone is steady and sure, but I can also hear pity in his voice. His eyes are full of compassion. He knows I’m not ready, but I don’t think any length of time would prepare me for what needs to be done. I know that for the safety of Ben, Eric, and Sarah, I can’t prolong this. I squeeze his hand, not wanting to let go of the one thing I have left.
He pulls me gently toward the center of the room where Eric and Sarah are standing. Eric has one hand already gripping the cart in case the water level becomes too high or the ship tilts too much.
Ben opens his hand, revealing his pocket watch. He looks around the circle we have formed. “Are we all ready?”
Sarah nods, removes her brooch and holds it in her hand. Eric follows and displays a pocket watch in the palm of his hand.
Ben turns to me, his eyes looking for acceptance. He nods toward my necklace.
“Ali,” he says gently, keeping his eyes on me. I’m not sure he has the confidence or trust that I won’t back out at the last second as they all leave. Part of me doesn’t have the trust in myself either.
“I know.” I nod as I reach toward the necklace. The ship is creaking and groaning in pain beneath me. With a deep breath, I close my eyes and slide my finger over the button.