20. MAX
MAX
“Ireally do,” he said, then stopped short, a look of alarm on his face.
“Luc?” I prompted when he didn’t say anything to explain his sudden tension after a few seconds. Sure, he’d said the L-word, but it had been in context and clearly joking; surely he couldn’t think he’d misled me with that?
He shook himself and gave me a smile that was weaker than it should have been for someone who just found out he was still going to keep getting laid. “Hmm?”
“You ok?”
“Oh, yeah.” He started turning the screwdriver, focusing on the headboard instead of me.
Something was definitely wrong. “Hey,” I said, laying a hand on his arm. “Talk to me.”
He shook his head and kept pressing the screw into the wall. “I just...that was stupid.”
“What was?”
Finally, the screw sank the last fraction of an inch and lay flush to the wall.
Three corners down, one to go. I backed up my chair so Lucas could cross to the other side of the bed, where the last corner awaited, but as he passed me, I couldn’t resist brushing my hand against his.
He flinched slightly and looked down at the contact, then continued on to where he’d been walking.
“Saying I love you,” he said so quietly I almost couldn’t hear it. “I mean, I know you don’t…”
Ok wait, hold the phone. He hadn’t said he loved me; he’d been kidding.
But now he was talking like the joke had been meaningful, and did that mean that’s what he’d meant?
And was ‘mean’ even a word anymore? My thoughts were suddenly whirling wildly.
Had he intended to say he loved me? But then he’d immediately said it was stupid to have said that, so maybe he said it but didn’t mean it, and was trying to make sure I knew that?
“I don’t what?” I finally got out, and if my tone was a little demanding, could you blame me?
He winced and turned his attention to the last screw. “Love me. Like I said, it was stupid.”
I sucked in a breath. He thought I didn’t love him?
Well, why would he think otherwise? I’d certainly never told him how I’d felt; I’d been so sure that if he felt anything, he’d say so in his usual forthright way, and if he hadn’t, it meant he didn’t feel the same as me.
What was I supposed to say now? Did I flat-out lie to him and agree that I didn’t love him?
I didn’t think I could stand to do that; I’d choke on the words.
So instead I turned my chair so I was facing away from him and wrung my hands in my lap.
“I didn’t say that,” I finally confessed, still half-evasive.
“What?” I heard the screwdriver scrape against the wall again, but this time he didn’t seem to notice based on the lack of any exclamation about it. “Max, what do you mean?”
I looked down at my hands and shrugged. “I didn’t say I don’t love you. I think I…” I took a deep breath, let it out. “I think I really kinda do.”
This time the screwdriver hit the floor with a clatter. I heard footsteps, and then Lucas was yanking on my shoulder, spinning me to face him. “Are you serious?” he demanded.
I bit my lip and nodded. What did this reaction mean?
Was he pleased or angry? “Yeah. I’m in love with you.
I don’t know when it happened. I mean, at first you were just a guy helping me out, and then you were my friend, and then we were fucking, and at some point along that continuum you started meaning way more to me than I think I do to you, so I just didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make things weird, and then I felt like I was freeloading too much off you and I didn’t want you to see me as helpless or a moocher anymore so I started my job and then once I had some money I really didn’t want to be a drain on you anymore, so I thought I should get out of your hair, and -”
“Whoa. Max.” His hand covered my mouth to stop my verbal diarrhea. I ground to a halt behind his palm. “Breathe,” he ordered, and I did, deeply. “You’re saying you love me?” he asked. I nodded against his hand, eyes wide. “Shit.” He ripped his free hand through his hair.
I winced. This was where he expressed his regrets and let me down easy, telling me he didn’t feel the same, wasn’t it?
To my shock, he dropped his hand from my mouth and replaced it with his lips. His kiss was hot and demanding and it drove my worries out of my head for a minute of pleasure, but eventually reality returned and I pulled away from him. “I get if you don’t -” I began.
“Shut. Up.”
I snapped my mouth shut, stunned.
“You’re an idiot,” he said, and I felt my world crumbling in on itself. “Of course I love you.”
Wait, what? I stared at him.
“You’re a grumpy asshole with fucked up legs who throws his dirty clothes on the floor and is only now learning to cook like an adult,” he informed me.
“You yell at your PT and you won’t tell me what goes on in your support group and you are hell to play at Trivial Pursuit. And I fucking love you for all of it.”
“I...you…” I stammered, unable to gather my words together enough to use them.
His hand slid gently into my hair, fingers brushing my scalp. “I hope that’s ok with you. Because it’s a little late now, otherwise.”
“Fuck, Lucas,” I finally managed to get out.
“You really…?” He nodded. I grabbed his hand from my hair and squeezed it, hard.
“I fucking love you so much. What are we doing here?” I looked around the room.
“Was it a dumb idea to move out? Should I have just said I loved you earlier and we wouldn’t have been having Ikea fights all day? ”
He shook his head and stroked his thumb over the back of my hand.
“I think this was the right call either way, actually. You need to prove to yourself that you can function on your own. Work your job, get yourself around, have your own place. I’m going to miss you like hell,” he went on before I could say anything, “but I’m also happy for you. ”
I clutched at his hand, unable to shake the idea that if I’d just spoken up earlier, I could be in bed with him right now. “But we won’t see each other as much…”
“We’ll see each other plenty,” he assured me confidently. “We both have cars to go back and forth.”
“But your hours!” I protested. The hours he worked, if we weren’t sharing a bed, some days we’d never see each other at all.
Lucas thought about that for a second. “You still have your key to my place. There’s nothing saying you can’t wait there for me to get home sometimes.
And besides…” He paused, looking apprehensive.
“I’ve been thinking about getting switched to more regular shifts at work.
Some of the guys with kids do it so they can be there after the kids get out of school.
And I mean, obviously you’re not my kid, but it indicates that day shifts are at least a possibility.
If you think that’s something I should try.
Maybe it’s not? I don’t want to seem...” He trailed off, biting his lip uncertainly.
He looked adorably uncertain, but I couldn’t stand to leave him in suspense.
“I think that’s a great idea. I’d love to be able to know when you’d be home and I could come over.
Though,” I added, “you’re welcome to come over here, too.
I guess we’d just have to be quieter so we don’t disturb the other residents.
The walls here are a lot thinner than at your place. ”
Laughing, Lucas leered playfully at me. “As if you’re capable of being quiet, Mr. Dirty Talk.”
“Oh, shut up.” I yanked on his hand, pulling him down into a hard hug. “I love you,” I whispered again, unable to stop saying it now that I’d broken the seal.
He hugged me back just as desperately. “Love you too.” We hung onto each other for a minute, rocking back and forth slightly, and then he gave my chest a gentle shove, forcing me away from him. “Now, let’s focus on getting this room set up so we can maybe test out the bed.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
I smirked and pointed to where he’d dropped the screwdriver. “Back to work, slave.”
While he finished the headboard, I started unboxing the desk. The desktop was one piece, but the drawers looked complicated. I pushed out of my chair and sat on the floor with my legs out in front of me as I started sorting through the pieces.
“Max?” Lucas’s alarmed voice cut through my concentration a couple of minutes later.
I pressed up on my hands until I could see him over the edge of the bed. “Yeah?”
He blew out a breath. “I thought you fell. Are you ok?”
“I’m fine. I got down on purpose,” I assured him. “Figured I’d start on the desk.” I waved the side of a drawer at him. “But I think it’s going to take two sets of hands.”
“Let me just finish this,” he said, nodding and giving the screw one last shove into the wall. “There. Now we just need to line the bed up with the headboard.”
We both looked at the bed, which looked massive all of a sudden, and then at my chair. “We...might need Eli for this,” I confessed. “I don’t think I have the range of motion I’ll need.”
“Yeah, probably. Want to do the desk first, or should I go get him?”
“Let’s do the desk,” I decided, and Lucas crossed to where I sat and sank down with his ankles crossed over his knees.
I wasn’t sure if it was just my emotions talking or whether he really looked almost drunk now, but either way, I was enjoying it. I gave him a smile when he looked up at me from examining the instructions. “What?” he asked suspiciously.
My smile widened. “Just happy.”
“Yeah, well,” he said with a smirk, “tell me that again after we build this thing.”